Tag: Betty Crocker

REVIEW: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles

Marvo 27 Comments

Hi. My name is Marvo. It’s nice to meet you…um, what does your name tag say?

Wow. That’s a really long name you have there, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. That’s an unusual name. N-n-no, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with your name, I just think it’s really cool that you have such a long name. Anyway, it’s really nice to meet you Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. So have you ever done this speed dating thing before?

Yeah, I’m new to it too. My friends said I should give it a try since I don’t get out of the house much and all I do is write, sleep, and download internet porn. Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I download internet porn…unless you do it too?

You don’t? Well you should try it someday. If you do try, remember to lock your bedroom door and close your window shades. Anyway, you know what I do during my free time, so what do you do for fun?

Oh, you like food? I’m surprised by that because you’re so dainty. No, really. You come in a very small package. You have 210 calories and 4.5 grams of fat? That’s not much at all. You also have 1.5 grams of trans fat? Oh…um. W-w-well, I like my dates to have a “little junk in the trunk.” N-n-no, I’m not saying you have a big ass. I just don’t like women who are anorexic and you’re not. I-I-I’m not saying you’re fat. You’re curvy. No, again, I’m not saying you’re fat. You have a nice shape. No, not like a cow. I think you’re skinny…and pretty. Really pretty. You’re welcome.

Anyway, so are you spiritual or religious? You’re into Satanism. Wait…the Satanism with or without the chicken sacrifices? With? Um, I can dig that. Oh wait, chicken sacrifices with or without drinking the chicken’s blood? Without? Phew. Thank goodness you’re not one of those chicken blood drinking Satanists, because those people are crazy.

You do what with the blood? Use the blood to draw pentagrams all over your body and dance naked around the sacrificed chicken to gain immortality and increase your vision? Um, as long as you don’t drink the blood, I don’t find that weird.

So how would you best describe yourself?

Salty, quick, and easy?

You seem like such a nice person that I couldn’t imagine you getting a little salty. But then again, with 580 milligrams of sodium I could possibly see it happening. N-n-no, I’m not calling you short tempered. N-n-no, I don’t want to take this outside. No, I do not want my ass kicked.

So you say you’re also quick and easy. To be honest, I kind of like that. So it takes only three steps to make you hot and ready to eat. How long does it take you to get hot? Four to six minutes is pretty quick.

But I’ll never find out how easy you are? Why won’t you let me? I’m a decent looking guy. I’m not sexiest man in my apartment and I live alone, but I think I’m above average. I don’t think I’m a D+. In the eight minutes we’re spending together, I don’t think we can truly learn enough about each other, but if you spend more time with me you would find out that I’m a great guy. I have not been staring at your breasts all this time. I just think the pendant you’re wearing is really nice.

Time’s up.

Well it was nice meeting you, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. I thought you were kind of tasty, although I’m not too sure about your small balls of freeze dried ground beef, but they did add some nice flavor. No, I’m not calling you a man with small balls. Your noodles were tender and your cheesy sauce was decent, but I didn’t expect much since I just mixed cheese powder with water.

Overall, I think things between us went well and I hope we meet again.

Oh, you didn’t think so? Um, I guess it was nice meeting you then.

I should do something about my breath? Oh, thanks.

Item: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but not great. Decent cheesy sauce. Easy to make. Kinda quick to make. Four individual pouches. Satanists who don’t drink chicken blood. I’m a decent looking guy.
Cons: Servings are small. A little salty. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Freeze dried ground beef kind of scares me. Satanists who drink chicken blood. Telling a woman they have “junk in the trunk.” Being caught staring at breasts. My breath.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights

Marvo 38 Comments

A couple of months ago, Impulsive Buy reader Muneer asked if I could review the Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights. About a month later, I picked up a package, but did so with a lot of trepidation.

When I picked it up, it was about the same time that Impulsive Buy reader Ultimate Best Vamp Ever sent me an email asking me to review the Warm Delights. I told her I would, but didn’t tell her about my dark, deep secret, which prevented me from actually trying the Warm Delights.

Finally, this week, Impulsive Buy reader Jamie also asked me if I could review the Betty Crocker Warm Delights. With this many people asking for a review of the Warm Delights, I’ve decided to overcome my fears and let you know about one of my dark, deep secrets.


I trim my pubic hairs…

Oh wait, that was the wrong dark, deep secret.

Um…the actual dark, deep secret I wanted to tell is that I REALLY suck at baking.

Much like Trivial Pursuit, Connect Four, expressing myself emotionally with women, double dutch, shuffleboard, getting girlfriends to not break up with me using pathetic amounts of begging, and getting change back after sticking a twenty dollar bill under a stripper’s thong, baking is something I’m not very successful at…especially brownies.

I’m not talking about baking brownies from scratch, because I wouldn’t even dream of attempting that. I’m talking about from the easy-to-make brownie mix box. I have attempted to make brownies twice in my life and both times I failed miserably.

The first time I made brownies was in college, while playing Crash Bandicoot on the original Playstation. I added all the ingredients, except two eggs, which I kept out to make a “healthy” brownie.

About 30 minutes later, when I had to stick a toothpick into the brownies to see if they were done, the brownies broke the toothpick because the surface of the brownies was as hard as the pan they were in. It was so hard, I could’ve probably used it if I was in a tag-team wrestling match and wanted to knock out my opponent when the referee wasn’t looking.

The second time I made brownies, I added a little too much liquid and ended up with something that was less like brownies and more like chocolate cake.

So for years, I’ve stayed away from baking brownies, because I’d like the number of failed brownie baking attempts to be significantly less than the number of David Blaine “magic” television specials.

So it was with a lot of caution that I attempted to “bake” the single-serving Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights. On the packaging there were several “easy” steps, but not so easy for someone who not only sucks at baking brownies and pleading with women not to leave him, but also sucks at unit conversion.

After adding the brownie mix to the provided bowl, the instructions say to just add one tablespoon of water plus one teaspoon of water. Unfortunately, I only had a tablespoon spoon and I didn’t know which unit of measurement was larger. However, this problem was quickly solved thanks to our future overlords, Google.

So after mixing the water and brownie mix, the whole thing went into the microwave for 45 seconds. Yes, only 45 seconds. Enough time to get milk from the fridge, but not enough time to get milk from a cow.

When I pulled it out of the microwave, I had a decent-sized brownie that was about four inches in diameter and three-fourths of an inch thick. It definitely had more substance than Nicole Richie.

Included with the Warm Delights kit was a pack of fudge topping, which I drizzled on top (see picture above). I was surprised by how much topping there was to put on top of the brownie. It was enough to make people say, “Would you like some brownie with that fudge topping?”

After letting it sit for a while, I dug into it with a fork. Fortunately, the fork didn’t bend. With it still being a little warm, the brownie was a little bit on the cake-y side. So since I prefer my brownies to be chewy, I ate half of it and stuck the rest in the fridge, which really didn’t do much.

Overall, it was surprisingly good. The fudge topping added a lot of flavor to it, but if you’d like to make it a little better, you might want to think about adding some ice cream on it, chocolate chips in it, or going to your friend’s place that always smells like incense and getting some “special” ingredients to put in it that they grow hydroponically in their closet.

Item: Betty Crocker Hot Fudge Brownie Warm Delights
Purchase Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty with the fudge topping. Lots of fudge topping. Takes less than five minutes to make. Convenient. Microwaveable. More substance than Nicole Richie. Trimmed pubic hair.
Cons: A little too cake-y for me. My abilities to make brownies from a boxed mix. David Blaine. My ability to express myself emotionally with women. My unit conversion skills.