REVIEW: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles

Hi. My name is Marvo. It’s nice to meet you…um, what does your name tag say?

Wow. That’s a really long name you have there, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. That’s an unusual name. N-n-no, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with your name, I just think it’s really cool that you have such a long name. Anyway, it’s really nice to meet you Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. So have you ever done this speed dating thing before?

Yeah, I’m new to it too. My friends said I should give it a try since I don’t get out of the house much and all I do is write, sleep, and download internet porn. Oh wait, maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned I download internet porn…unless you do it too?

You don’t? Well you should try it someday. If you do try, remember to lock your bedroom door and close your window shades. Anyway, you know what I do during my free time, so what do you do for fun?

Oh, you like food? I’m surprised by that because you’re so dainty. No, really. You come in a very small package. You have 210 calories and 4.5 grams of fat? That’s not much at all. You also have 1.5 grams of trans fat? Oh…um. W-w-well, I like my dates to have a “little junk in the trunk.” N-n-no, I’m not saying you have a big ass. I just don’t like women who are anorexic and you’re not. I-I-I’m not saying you’re fat. You’re curvy. No, again, I’m not saying you’re fat. You have a nice shape. No, not like a cow. I think you’re skinny…and pretty. Really pretty. You’re welcome.

Anyway, so are you spiritual or religious? You’re into Satanism. Wait…the Satanism with or without the chicken sacrifices? With? Um, I can dig that. Oh wait, chicken sacrifices with or without drinking the chicken’s blood? Without? Phew. Thank goodness you’re not one of those chicken blood drinking Satanists, because those people are crazy.

You do what with the blood? Use the blood to draw pentagrams all over your body and dance naked around the sacrificed chicken to gain immortality and increase your vision? Um, as long as you don’t drink the blood, I don’t find that weird.

So how would you best describe yourself?

Salty, quick, and easy?

You seem like such a nice person that I couldn’t imagine you getting a little salty. But then again, with 580 milligrams of sodium I could possibly see it happening. N-n-no, I’m not calling you short tempered. N-n-no, I don’t want to take this outside. No, I do not want my ass kicked.

So you say you’re also quick and easy. To be honest, I kind of like that. So it takes only three steps to make you hot and ready to eat. How long does it take you to get hot? Four to six minutes is pretty quick.

But I’ll never find out how easy you are? Why won’t you let me? I’m a decent looking guy. I’m not sexiest man in my apartment and I live alone, but I think I’m above average. I don’t think I’m a D+. In the eight minutes we’re spending together, I don’t think we can truly learn enough about each other, but if you spend more time with me you would find out that I’m a great guy. I have not been staring at your breasts all this time. I just think the pendant you’re wearing is really nice.

Time’s up.

Well it was nice meeting you, Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles. I thought you were kind of tasty, although I’m not too sure about your small balls of freeze dried ground beef, but they did add some nice flavor. No, I’m not calling you a man with small balls. Your noodles were tender and your cheesy sauce was decent, but I didn’t expect much since I just mixed cheese powder with water.

Overall, I think things between us went well and I hope we meet again.

Oh, you didn’t think so? Um, I guess it was nice meeting you then.

I should do something about my breath? Oh, thanks.

Item: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good, but not great. Decent cheesy sauce. Easy to make. Kinda quick to make. Four individual pouches. Satanists who don’t drink chicken blood. I’m a decent looking guy.
Cons: Servings are small. A little salty. 1.5 grams of trans fat. Freeze dried ground beef kind of scares me. Satanists who drink chicken blood. Telling a woman they have “junk in the trunk.” Being caught staring at breasts. My breath.

27 thoughts to “REVIEW: Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles”

  1. Hmmmm…instead of junk in the trunk, a little cushion for the pushin? Nah, that line would have probably got your ass kicked right away. However, eating lasagna hamburger helper would probably give anyone bad breath…

    Freeze-dried ground beef is definitely scary. With traditional Hamburger Helper, I usually find adding picante works well…for the cheeseburger macaroni kind, anyhow.

  2. Breasts of noodle?! Perhaps you should be happy it did not work out, because that little Hamburger-Helper-hellspawned-glove entity is freaky.

  3. I’m surprised you even touched the box considering “Glovie” looks like a {shudder} clown. Maybe he’s Hamburger Helper Cheesy Lasagna Microwave Singles’ pimp.

  4. Awww…Marvo…reduced to speed dating and meeting Hamburger Helper. I’m sorry. Was Easy Mac at the same speed dating event? I hear she’s..well…easy. And what about Oodles of Noodles?

  5. Chuck – Yeah, a little cushion for the pushin’ would’ve gotten my ass kicked or I would’ve been sat on.

    ThatSpookyTallChick – Maybe I like them a little freaky. 😉

    Charlotte – If only it heated itself like an MRE.

    Webmiztris – Also, incredibly scary, like milk doesn’t need to be refrigerated.

    Sep – Just cleveage.

    Mad Cow – If the glove is her pimp, it can do some serious bitch slapping.

    jenn – As long as someone doesn’t pour vodka instead of water.

  6. dvs01 – As I proved with the Jamba Juice review the other week, I will eat things that look nasty.

    Ace N. – You know cows like to say, “One cow’s vomit is another cow’s meal.”

    Clevegal42 – I think Mac is a dude’s name. So I would not date something called Easy Mac.

    stephanie – If only it had five fingers and just put its middle finger up. That way, it wouldn’t seem so happy.

    Melanie – I know it’s okay to be happy. Why wouldn’t I be happy? Sure, I couldn’t get a box of Hamburger Helper to date me. That’s not pathetic. I’m too good for that box of Hamburger Helper. She doesn’t know what she’s missing out.

    Brie – Whore! Psycho bitch! If she drank the blood I could call her blood breath, but she doesn’t.

    Noelle – Actually, I haven’t finished writing my profile yet. So much information to cram into 4000 characters.

  7. your site.. is one of the few i visit daily to check for updates 😀 you’ve likely heard it before, but – keep up the good work. i’ll keep reading.

  8. Personally, I’d take “junk in the trunk” as a compliment. Or as a suggestion that it’s time to clean my car out again. Perhaps you should say “two hands full.” Now what lady wouldn’t go weak at the knees hearing that 😉

  9. Tamara – I have an ego the size of a 747 jet so I need constant compliments or else I wither and die. Only kidding! Thanks for the compliment! 🙂

    Erika – Can I use squeezing hand motions when I say “two hands full?” 🙂

  10. Perhaps I’ve just been up too long today, but for a moment I though that glove was flipping the bird.

    As for the “food,” I’ll pass. Freeze-dried beef kind of sounds like the Slim Jim cheese sticks that don’t need to be refrigerated… not altogether trustworthy *g*

  11. I always take out the freeze-dried meat after cooking this. The noodles/sauce are pretty good, but the “meat” is completely inedible.

  12. cybele – Well, you just brought it up. I shall add more hand job references in reviews from now on. 😉

    Diana – The glove is raising a middle finger, so maybe it’s flipping the bird for those with four fingers.

    Faye – Oh man, taking out all the small balls of meat would be a pain, unless I had a small balls of meat filter.

  13. I make my Hamburger Helper the old fashioned way- on the stove. Tuna Helper’s not bad either.

    So Marvo, have you actually tried one of these speed dating services? 😉

  14. As a single doing the damn internet dating thing ( shut up, I had brain surgery, I have an excuse) and one who is also prone to eating total crap (shut up, I DID have brain surgery) this whole review made me slightly sniffly, laughy, and hungry ( I said…shut it)

  15. puglet – If you are still hungry, don’t eat this product, unless you plan to eat all four packages at one time. Because one package isn’t filling for me.

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