REVIEW: Glaceau VitaminWater Zero Squeezed

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I don’t know if you’ve ever bought lemonade from kids who set up shop in front of their house and sell their product at a ridiculously high markup that’s usually only seen at Asian-owned convenience stores and shady used car dealerships. If you have, I guarantee it didn’t taste like the Glaceau VitaminWater Zero Squeezed.

The wannabe lemonade stand moguls I’ve bought from make their lemonade either too sour or too sweet or, on occasion, use their short fingers to stir. Now I wouldn’t call myself a lemonade making expert, but I’ve wasted hours of my life that I’ll never get back playing Lemonade Tycoon so I know six lemons, three cups of sugar and four ice cubes make a good lemonade on a hot day, and if the weather isn’t so warm, I reduce the number of ice cubes to two or three.

Of course, I should have low expectations of lemonade made by children who don’t grasp the concept of ratios. However, I would buy lemonade from children who were selling bottles of VitaminWater Zero Squeezed, even if it’s just “lemonade flavored.”

Unlike children’s lemonade stand lemonade, which is always sweetened with pure sugar, the innocence of children and whatever germs are on their hands when they stir it with their fingers, the VitaminWater Zero Squeezed is sweetened with rebiana (stevia extract), crystalline fructose and erythritol.

This trifecta of sweeteners give it just the right amount of sweetness, but keeps the amount of sugar per serving under a gram. It’s also slightly sour, but not even close to making your lips pucker. And, of course, there’s the obligatory wateriness EVERY VitaminWater flavor has. Overall, it’s a refreshing beverage that you’ll enjoy if you like slightly watery lemonade-flavored products or if you’re looking to try every single damn VitaminWater flavor in existence.

The VitaminWater Zero Squeezed also provides 100% vitamin C, B vitamins and electrolytes. These are much better than the bonuses I’ve gotten from children’s lemonade stand lemonade, which has been an occasional lemon seed and diarrhea.

Like all VitaminWater products sweetened with rebiana (VitaminWater Zero & VitaminWater 10), the flavor of VitaminWater Zero Squeezed isn’t as palatable if consumed warm. But it’s still better than the lemon- or sugar-flavored swill that most entrepreneurial eight-year-olds concoct.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 4% calcium, 40% vitamin B3, 40% vitamin B12, 4% magnesium, 100% vitamin C, 10% vitamin E, 40% vitamin B6, 40% vitamin B5 and 10% zinc.)

Read other Glaceau VitaminWater Zero Squeezed reviews:
I Ate A Pie

Item: Glaceau VitaminWater Zero Squeezed
Price: $1.79
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven (Chicago)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing. Right amount of sweetness. Not pucker sour. Much better tasting than the swill produced by entrepreneurial eight-year-olds. Zero calories. It’s got electrolytes. It’s got B vitamins. It’s got vitamin C. Being a virtual millionaire playing Lemonade Tycoon.
Cons: It’s just lemonade-flavored, not actual lemonade. Doesn’t taste as good if consumed warm. Markups at Asian-owned convenience stores and shady used car dealerships. Using fingers to stir lemonade. Wasting hours of my life playing Lemonade Tycoon.

REVIEW: Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley

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The drab color of the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley fruit smoothie doesn’t make me want to drink it, instead I want to use it as a color swatch to help me decide which hue of paint I should use if I ever need to repaint the inner walls of a correctional facility or mental institution.

Odwalla fruit smoothies usually come in vibrant colors that one would find on either the NBC Peacock, handkerchiefs coming out of a clown’s mouth or in any bodily fluid that oozes out of a unicorn. The colors are so vivacious that they say if you stare at the Odwalla refrigerated case at your grocery store long enough, you’ll know what rainbows taste like.

What gives the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley its tan color is the whole grain brown rice it contains, which also gives the smoothie almost 32 grams of whole grains or around two-thirds of the recommended 48 grams one should consume daily.

This fruit smoothie is perfect if you ever want to attempt to overdose on whole grains to see what the effects are. Drinking a few of these along with some whole wheat bread and a bowl of a whole grain-fortified kids breakfast cereal will help you do it. I personally have never ODed on whole grains, but I imagine it takes your dreams, wipes away all of the color and then gives them a brown hue…and maybe constant bowel movements.

Because of its color, that makes me think I’m drinking liquid whole wheat bread, I recommend consuming it with your eyes closed, or if you have one available, cover your eyes with a pink sleep mask that has “Beauty Sleep” embroidered on it. But if you can get past its color, and enjoy tropical fruits like pineapples, mangoes, bananas and passion fruits, then you will probably enjoy the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley.

Thankfully, it doesn’t smell and taste as dismal as it looks. While drinking it, I could detect banana, pineapple and orange scents. As for its flavor, the pineapple and passionfruit stand out the most and I get a little banana and mango at the back end. It definitely has a tasty “tropical” flavor to it. Coconut is also listed in the ingredients, but I couldn’t detect any. I also couldn’t make out any of the whole grain rice flavor, which, now that I think about it, probably doesn’t have any flavor. But the whole grain rice does give this fruit smoothie a very slight grittiness and a weird temporary coating in my mouth.

If you’re sorely lacking in the whole grains department, the Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley will help, although it’s probably not something you want to drink every day, since it can get really expensive paying $2.50-$4 per bottle and because it might give your dreams a sepia tone.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 200 calories, 1 gram of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 350 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 27 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 4% calcium, 10% vitamin E, 10% riboflavin, 10% vitamin C, 2% iron and 10% thiamin.)

Item: Odwalla Wholly Grain! Tropical Medley
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 15.2 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tasty tropical flavor. No whole grain rice flavor. A bottle contains about two-thirds of your daily recommended amount of whole grains. Tasting a rainbow.
Cons: Has a drab color. Dreaming in sepia. Slight grittiness. Leaves a temporary coating in my mouth. Overdosing on whole grains. Constant bowel movements. An entire bottle has almost 400 calories. Being in a prison or mental institution.

REVIEW: Jones Candy Corn Soda

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If Native Americans knew we were going to create a disgusting candy that looks like corn and then make a carbonated beverage that tastes like said candy, they probably wouldn’t have taught the Pilgrims how to grow corn.

Candy corn is the Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt of Halloween treats because they just won’t go away, despite how much people loathe them. Actually, comparing those two no talent attention grabbers to candy corn is rather insulting to the white, orange and yellow candy that has the consistency of wax.

I wonder what’s the appeal of candy corn. I understand the reason why for those who purchase it, because it allows them to give extremely cheap candy to trick or treaters, but I don’t comprehend those who eat it. If I want eat something sweet with the word “corn” in its name, I’ll just consume kettle corn or one of the thousands of products that contain high fructose corn syrup or a chocolate-dipped corn dog.

Like a small catch while fishing, candy corn is one of those things you throw back to the place from where it came. I don’t know about the rest of you, but in my neighborhood, those who would give out candy corn on Halloween would find their front doorsteps littered with candy corn the next morning. Or if we had time, we would spell out the word “cheap ass” using the candy corn.

We did the same thing to those who handed out stacks of pennies, but by the next morning the front doors of those who passed them out were clean because the kids collecting for UNICEF would pick up the loose change.

While I may not enjoy candy corn, the Jones Candy Corn Soda might be the only candy corn product I’ll slightly tolerate, even though it’s urine-colored and doesn’t really taste like candy corn. Its flavor is extremely sweet and its initial flavor is quite off-putting, but once you get past it, it tastes like a cream soda with some spice, which I kind of liked, but it will probably turn off most people. It’s best when extremely chilled and quite nasty when slightly warm.

So if you’ve got some cash to burn and you’re looking to get something special for trick or treaters who stop buy your house this Halloween, might I suggest NOT picking up all the Jones Candy Corn Soda you can find, unless you want the short roly-poly cans thrown at your front door in the middle of the night.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 32 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Jones Candy Corn Soda
Price: $2.99 (4-pack)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Doesn’t taste like candy corn. Limited Edition. Uses cane sugar. No high fructose corn syrup. Getting good candy for Halloween.
Cons: Small cans. Urine colored. Initial flavor was off-putting. Tastes like cream soda with a bit of spice. Getting candy corn for Halloween. Getting stacks of pennies for Halloween.

REVIEW: Monster X-Presso Hammer

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So lemme get this straight.

The Monster X-Presso Hammer has the same amount of energy ingredients and tastes similar to a regular Java Monster Coffee Energy Drink, except it’s made in the Netherlands, comes in a can that’s more than 50 percent smaller, and it costs the same.

I’m sold!

Now I wonder if Monster Energy has a bridge, building or a used 1986 Yugo GV with a faulty transmission to sell me. Also, while we’re at it Monster Energy, here are my credit card numbers with security codes and let me bend over for you.

With only 6.75 ounces of espresso goodness, the Monster X-Presso Hammer competes with the 6.5-ounce Starbucks Doubleshot Espresso in the lightweight coffee drink division. When comparing the two, it’s more than just the size of their cans, albeit the size difference is minimal, with the Hammer being like a 32B cup and the Doubleshot being like a 32A.

The Hammer has a significantly creamier taste than the Doubleshot, which is why it has a flavor similar to the bigger and tasty Java Monster line. However, because it’s creamier, the espresso flavor isn’t as prominent as it is with the Doubleshot.

But what really sets the Monster X-Presso Hammer apart from the Starbucks Doubleshot is its use of nitrous oxide, which Monster also used in their latest line of energy drinks. The nitrous oxide helps creates a froth when the beverage is poured into a glass, making it look like an espresso beverage from a coffee shop. It’s kind of a neat trick, but unfortunately it doesn’t come with a cute barista to make a heart or some kind of art in the froth.

Overall, I’m not sure the Monster X-Presso Hammer is worth the price. It tastes similar and provides the same strong energy kick as the larger Java Monster Energy Drinks, which are also the same price. If you enjoy the bitter flavor of an espresso, the Starbucks Doubleshot would be the better choice. But if you love tulips, windmills, clogs and want to support the Netherlands via their exports, then the Monster X-Presso Hammer is for you.

(NOTE: The Monster X-Presso Hammer is made in the Netherlands, but isn’t available in the Netherlands.)

(Supplement Facts – 1 can – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 50% vitamin C, 100% vitamin B2, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 14% calcium, 9% phosphorus, 4% potassium.)

Item: Monster X-Presso Hammer
Price: $2.59
Size: 6.75 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice creamy coffee flavor. Nice jolt of energy. Nitrous oxide helps create a froth. Slightly bigger can than the Starbucks Doubleshot. The Netherlands. Tulips.
Cons: Tastes too similar to the Java Monster Energy Drink line. If you enjoy the flavor of espresso, the Starbucks version is better. No cute barista to make coffee art. Not available in the Netherlands.

REVIEW: Classic Grape Purple Stuff

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Purple Stuff

The generic looking can the Classic Grape Purple Stuff is in makes it looks like it should be in the food section of your local 99 cent store, but I found it at the 7-Eleven down the street. What also makes it seem like it’s a cheap item is the possible spelling error in the nutrition facts section. One of the last vitamins listed is something called “patothenic acid,” which sounds more like a psychedelic dancehall reggae band. I think they meant to print “pantothenic acid,” which is also known as vitamin B5.

Also, could they put any more words on the front of the can? There are so many words, I wonder if a copy of it is available for the Amazon Kindle. There are so many words, I’m looking for the ISBN number. There are so many words, you could read them to your children as a bedtime story.

But enough about what’s on the outside, let’s talk about what’s inside.

While it comes in a can size that’s common with most energy drinks, Purple Stuff does the opposite of an energy drink. It’s a relaxation beverage that helps the consumer to calm down and focus, as you can tell by reading the plethora of words on the front of the Purple Stuff. It’s like liquid meditation or taking a Calgon bath and sticking it in a can. I guess a better way to describe it would be say it’s like comparing weed, a downer, with cocaine and an upper.

The Classic Grape Purple Stuff does what it does with the help of three ingredients: valerian root, L-theanine and rosehips powder. According to the Great Wikipedia, valerian root is used as a sedative, L-theanine has been shown to reduce anxiety and improve cognition and rosehips are a popular healthy treat for chinchillas.

The beverage has a tasty grape soda flavor, except not as sweet as regular grape soda and it has a very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Thanks sucralose! It’s lightly carbonated, so it goes down smooth and is extremely easy to drink.

But does it make me feel relaxed? I don’t know if I could describe it as being relaxed. You know that feeling when you’re super tired, like during an all-nighter, and you have this sensation across your entire body, like your muscles are about to fall asleep. That’s the feeling I get from drinking a Purple Stuff, so I don’t know if I would drink this during the day. Some might consider that being relaxed, but I think of it as being sleepy, which is a feeling that can also be accomplished by reading the essay printed on the front of the Purple Stuff’s can.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 5 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 13 grams of crystalline fructose, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 100% patothenic acid, 10 milligrams of rosehips powder, 10 milligrams of valerian root and 5 milligrams of L-Theanine.)

Item: Classic Grape Purple Stuff
Price: $1.59
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tasty grape soda flavor. Really easy to drink. Lightly carbonated. Only 50 calories. Lots of B vitamins. 16 ounce can. Inexpensive. Possible great replacement for warm milk, if you’re trying to fall asleep.
Cons: Contains no juice. Makes me sleepy, but not really relaxed. Very slight artificial sweetener aftertaste. Not something I would want to drink before a boring meeting. Can design makes it look like it belongs in a 99 cent store.

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