REVIEW: Metromint Chocolatemint Water

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The Metromint Chocolatemint Water combines something I want, chocolate, with something I need, water, with something that’s nice to have, mint. That’s a triple threat, like Tina Fey’s humor, brains and beauty or Spencer Pratt’s ability to look like an asshole, sound like a prick and act like a douchebag.

Metromint’s line of minty waters each has what the company calls a “chill factor,” which according to their website, “is a comparative scale that measures the range of minty refreshment.” On one end of the spectrum, their Peppermint water has a chill factor of -9 degrees, while on the opposite end, the Chocolatemint has a chill factor of -2 degrees.

Despite their negative chill factors, none of these lightly flavored minty waters has the ability to freeze anything. Of course, this is obvious because the water itself doesn’t come frozen and I’m pretty sure Madonna’s heart is not involved with the bottling process. Although, the Metromint Chocolatemint Water did freeze my attention when I passed by it, but that probably had less to do with the chill factor and more with fact that it’s a bottled water flavored with chocolate.

The water has a pleasantly sweet minty scent with a whiff of chocolate. According to the label, this water get its chocolate from cocoa essence. I’m not sure what “essence” is or if there’s an essence-sized OXO measuring spoon, but it’s a decent amount because it makes this water have a refreshing chocolate and mint flavor. The cocoa essence also doesn’t add any fat or sugar to the beverage. There’s more mint flavor than there is chocolate and if a Peppermint Patty Light Light Light existed, it would probably taste like this water.

To be honest, I didn’t expect to enjoy the Metromint Chocolatemint Water because I thought the concept of drinking chocolate-flavored water was stupid and I actually said it was stupid out loud when I pulled one off of the shelf. But then I later realized that I drink chocolate water every time I prepare a packet of Swiss Miss with hot water.

Damn, now I know what it’s like to sound like a prick.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Metromint Chocolatemint Water
Price: $2.50 (retails for much less)
Size: 16.9 ounces
Purchased at: Shirokiya
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly refreshing chocolate and mint flavor. No fat or sugar. Tina Fey’s humor, brains and beauty.
Cons: May seem weird drink water with chocolate. Not sure how to measure the essence of something. Chill factor seems like a silly marketing concept. The price I paid for it. Spencer Pratt’s ability to look like an asshole, sound like a prick and act like a douchebag.

REVIEW: Glaceau Tranquilo Vitamin Water

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Like all flavors of Vitamin Water, Tranquilo Vitamin Water promises to help you with some aspect of your life that is lacking. Need to boost your immune system? Drink a Defense Vitamin Water. Want something to help with your concentration? Consume Focus Vitamin Water. Need a jolt of energy? Tank an Energy Vitamin Water. Want to bring back someone from the dead so that you can play Resident Evil in real life? Pour a Revive Vitamin Water down their throat.

Tranquilo Vitamin Water helps you to relax and forget your troubles for a little while, like spending a weekend on the beach. But isn’t there another liquid that helps you temporarily forget your troubles much easier?

Alcohol? It somewhat does that, but not fast enough.

Homemade moonshine made with things found in a garage? Yes, it does have that ability, but it also has the power to “permanently make you forget your troubles,” cause you to become blind or make you imagine you’re talking to the 29th President of the United States Warren G. Harding about what’s on his iPod and being surprised that “Regulate” by Warren G is not on it.

What liquid am I thinking of?

Oh yeah, that’s right! Chloroform.

Tranquilo Vitamin Water looks like the water in a public toilet that hasn’t been flushed for days and it is flavored with tamarind and pineapple, although the ingredients list doesn’t directly mention them, but it does include the vague “natural flavor.” It’s also a decent source of vitamins, like A, C and E, but so is a serving of Cocoa Puffs, so that’s not really saying much.

The pineapple seems to dominate the scent and taste of the beverage, although to be honest, I have no idea what tamarind is and the first time I ever heard of it was when I picked up this bottle, so it might be the tamarind dominating the beverage. At first, I didn’t enjoy its flavor, which reminds me of a watered down Pina Colada Slurpee, but after drinking more of it, I began to like it. While it’s not my favorite Vitamin Water flavor (which is XXX Vitamin Water), it’s definitely in my top ten, which actually isn’t so impressive since there are only 13 Vitamin Water flavors.

So does Tranquilo Vitamin Water help me to relax and temporarily forget my troubles?

No, it doesn’t, because I’m getting totally worked up about the name Tranquilo. What kind of frickin’ name is that? Who just slaps an O at the end of something and makes a name from it? That’s just plain lazy.

Bah! Where’s my chloroform? I want to temporarily forget about that name.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 13 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 40% vitamin C, 10% vitamin E, 10% vitamin B3, 10% vitamin B6, 10% vitamin B12 and 10% vitamin B5.)

Item: Glaceau Tranquilo Vitamin Water
Price: $2.39
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Whole Foods
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes decent after I got used to it. It’s got electrolytes. In my favorite top 10 list of Vitamin Water flavors. Contains vitamins A, C and E. Using chloroform to help me forget things. XXX Vitamin Water.
Cons: Tastes kind of weird at first. Lame name. Looks like water in a public toilet that hasn’t been flushed in days. Doesn’t help me relax and forget my troubles.

REVIEW: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10

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I could stuff this review for the Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10 with sexual references in every possible hole I could find, but I’m not going to get behind that and force something like that down your throats, because I’m better than that.

For example, I’m not going to talk about the three antioxidant-filled fruits in this beverage — acai, blueberry and pomegranate — coming together to form a cool, fruity manage-a-trois with so much pomegrindin’ that they would make each other turn blueberry and scream acai at the top of their lungs in orgasmic pleasure.

I’m not going to stoop to the crass level I’ve stooped to in hundreds of reviews before this one and in the previous two paragraph…and in the hundreds of reviews after this one. I’m going to try to be classy and make this review one that I wouldn’t be afraid to share with my parents and second graders, except for the first two paragraphs.

Glaceau’s XXX Vitamin Water 10 is the latest beverage to have the stevia sweetener Truvia added to it. The maker of the sweetener, Coca-Cola, has been pushing it hard up promoting their new sweetener a lot and have been slowly inserting it into adding it to various beverages across their numerous product lines. However Truvia is not the only sweetener in this beverage. Crystalline fructose and erythritol completes the sticky threesome trifecta of natural sweeteners.

Keep it clean, Marvo. Keep it clean.

While the XXX in its name represents the three fruits that provide the 50 milligrams of berry polyphenols and the flavor in this beverage, the 10 in its name symbolizes the 10 inches of man 10 calories it has per 8-ounce serving, which is one-fifth the calories in regular Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water. This is possible thanks to the foreskinned aforementioned Holy Trinity of group of natural sweeteners.

Focus, young Padawan.

While the Truvia-sweetened version has one-fifth of the calories found in regular XXX Vitamin Water, it also has about two-thirds of the flavor. So if you think regular Vitamin Water is too watery tasting, the lower calorie version will seem even more so with a weird aftertaste. Its color and smell also are lighter than the original version. I also wouldn’t recommend drinking it warm.

Yes. There you go. No sinful thoughts. No sinful thoughts.

…DAMMIT! I can’t take it anymore. FAIL.

The Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10 was good and it tasted how I expected it to taste, but it didn’t make me want to wrap my lips around its gloryhole and…(the copy here was taken out after it was deemed to be so extremely explicit it would make strippers blush and pornstars cheer).

Oh, me likey happy ending!

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 10 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of erythritol, 0 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 10% vitamin B3, 10% vitamin B6, 10% vitamin B12 and 10% vitamin B5.)

Item: Glaceau XXX Vitamin Water 10
Price: $1.49
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting when cold. Ten calories per serving. Good source of vitamin C. Decent source of B vitamins. Being able to express myself. Pomegrindin’.
Cons: Weird aftertaste. Tastes bad when warm. Taste not equivalent to regular XXX Vitamin Water. Uses three types of sweeteners. Contains only 1% juice. Trying to write a normal review.

REVIEW: Bawls Guarana G33K B33R

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Aww shit! Bawls Guarana G33K B33R is here.
Raise your bumped glass bottle and cheer.
If you’re with a friend, make your bottles clink.
It takes a real geek to handle this drink.

[Interlude 1]
How do you know if you’re a real geek? Well here’s a little test.
Let’s see if you answer any of the questions with a “yes.”

Do you talk trash to 12-year-olds while in Halo combat?
Can you recite Jabba the Hutt’s lines at a drop of a hat?
Do you open up MS-DOS on a 486 to reminisce?
Does construction with Legos give you orgasmic bliss?
Do you have every episode of BattleBots on VHS tapes?
Does your closet contain Batman’s utility belt and cape?
Does your computer case glow with colored LED lights?
Do you download shit thru BitTorrent by the gigabytes?
Do you subscribe and read Slashdot’s RSS feed?
Do you dress up in cosplay before you do the deed?

[Interlude 2]
You don’t do any of those things? Shhhhiiiit.
Well here are a few others G33K B33R is meant for.

Does the name “Caprica” make your naughty parts tingle?
Can you play on your wind instrument the X-Files jingle?
When you roll, do you only do it with a 12-sided die?
Did the trailer for the G.I. Joe movie make you cry?
Do you get hard playing Risk when you takeover lands?
Can you display the Vulcan salute with both hands?
In Borders, do you flip through books with dragons on the cover?
Did someone break up with you because you’re a WoW lover?
Do you call the Lord of the Rings toys on your shelf figurines?
Does Lara Croft sometimes end up in your wet dreams?

[Interlude 3]
Nothing?
Well then, maybe G33K B33R isn’t for you.
So here’s what you’re missing.

The caffeine in Bawls G33K B33R makes it like root beer on ‘roid
I like this tasty beverage as much as Michael Jackson loves little boys.
It gives me a kick but not as hard as other energy drinks I’ve tried.
The high fructose corn syrup it contains makes me sad inside.
Its low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache.
Bawls Guarana G33K B33R makes cheap root beers taste like ass.
It’s got a little bite, but no bitterness from the guarana can be found.
Cuz it’s only ten ounces I can’t pour one out when a homie goes down.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams potassium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 36 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Bawls G33K B33R
Price: FREE
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Sent by Twitter pal Jokeyhaha
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty root beer flavor. Low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache. No bitterness from guarana. Bottle looks like a sex toy. Trailer for G.I. Joe movie. BattleBots.
Cons: Didn’t give me a kick as hard as other energy drinks. Contains only 10 ounces. High fructose corn syrup. Bottle looks like a sex toy.

REVIEW: SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater with PureVia

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PureVia is the zero-calorie sugar replacement from PepsiCo made from a plant called stevia. A lot of people are talking about it like it’s the new, sexy stripper headlining every night at the club and it makes Splenda look like the 45-year-old hairy, mother-of-four stripper showing off her birthing canal during the least occupied hours at the strip club and using the stage name “Mama Mia.” The new SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater is one of the few products currently sweetened with PureVia.

Oh. I should also mention that stevia-made sweeteners were once banned in the United States and is currently banned in Europe, Singapore and Hong Kong, but that won’t stop me from trying products made with stevia because I’ve consumed things much worse, like creamy alfredo ramen and David Caruso’s acting in CSI: Miami.

Since this particular SoBe Lifewater was blackberry and blueberry flavored I was hoping its taste would be so intense that it would beat my tongue black and blue, like it angered Chris Brown, but it had a mild berry flavor. Neither the blackberry nor the blueberry stood out.

It did have a slight grape-ish flavor, which might’ve been caused by the addition of grape seed extract or my desire to eat grapes at the time I was drinking it. While consuming this SoBe Lifewater I did notice something unusual about the beverage’s consistency, which felt slightly thicker than non-PureVia sweetened Lifewater, but I don’t know if the sugar substitute was the reason for it.

I found the flavor of the SoBe Black and Blue Berry Lifewater with PureVia to be pleasant and it didn’t seem to have any weird aftertaste usually found with artificially sweetened beverages. With zero calories, no sugar, 100% of my daily recommended allowance of Vitamin C and a nice flavor, it’s a beverage I would probably drink again. But unfortunately it isn’t strong enough to wash away David Caruso’s acting or the sight of a 45-year-old, well-used birthing canal.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 25 milligrams of sodium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, 100% Vitamin C, 20% Vitamin E, 10% Niacin, 10% Vitamin B6, 10% Vitamin B12, and 10% Pantothenic Acid.)

(Note: Gigi reviewed the Fuji Apple Pear version of the PureVia-sweeteneed Lifewater. Here’s another review of all the flavors.)

Item: SoBe Lifewater Black and Blue Berry with PureVia
Price: $1.19 (with coupon)
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pleasant flavor. Grape-ish flavor. Zero calories. Zero sugar. 100% Vitamin C.
Cons: Odd slightly thick consistency. Getting Chris Brown mad. A 45-year-old hairy, mother-of-four stripper. David Caruso’s acting in CSI: Miami. Stevia sweeteners are banned in Europe, Singapore and Hong Kong.

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