Little in this world appeals more to my suburban, middle-aged dad sense of adventure than a mystery food product. It’s a little like living on the edge, only if the edge is about as sharp as an end-cap at the Piggly Wiggly. Look, you can die on the track at a NASCAR Fantasy Camp weekend, or break a fibula playing pickup basketball, but the worst that can happen with a mystery product is that you end up out a few bucks if your Pop-Tart turns out to be century egg-flavored.

The problem with a mystery product, though, is that I don’t think I’ve ever gotten closure. Over the years, I’ve gulped many a strange Mountain Dew, and eaten mysterious cereals and snack cakes galore, and not once do I remember hearing later what the mystery flavor turned out to be. Where do they even announce these things? The Nightly News with David Muir? A special newspaper I’m not privy to, like The Gourmand Gazette?

In the case of Cap’n Crunch’s new Mystery Crunch, the thing is, I’m not sure I care enough to go back later and try to figure it out. It’s just… boring. The box has some clues, I guess, depicting the Cap’n on a fruit-filled island holding a scroll listing “Fruity? Coconut. Vanilla? Creamy” with “coconut” crossed out and “creamy” circled. Oh, and there’s a crab drinking a red beverage out of a glass bottle. (Is the flavor Crab Juice?! Hmm. Now I’m hungry for a stick of fresh Khlav Kalash.)

I will say, I tried the cereal before studying the box, and my thoughts went like this, in order:

It’s… plain Cap’n Crunch?

Okay, it’s actually a little orange-ish. Orange-ish, but also still some coconut.

Therefore, for no reason other than the fact that I need to enter something to enter the sweepstakes using the QR code on the back—so I can win a Yeti, a chair, a speaker, or possibly an Airbnb gift card—I’m going to say that the mastery flavor is Boring Tropical Creamsicle. And then I’ll sit back and relax until April when… Lester Holt will tell me on the evening news? A proclamation will be made by the three wealthiest kings in Europe? Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll go to my grave never knowing what this damn flavor was.

Purchased Price: $4.97
Size: 22.1 oz box (Family Size)
Rating: 5 out of 10
Purchased at: Walmart
Nutrition Facts: (38 grams) 150 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

With arctic air blasting through the Midwest, it felt fitting to consume the new Limited Edition Cap’n Crunch Arctic Crunch Vanilla Frost Cereal. Unlike the real feel of a -20°F wind chill, this cereal was actually quite pleasant!

The box graphics took me back to childhood—sitting at the table, reading the box with interesting facts while munching away. I ate a lot of Cap’n Crunch as a kid because, for some reason, it was the only cereal my parents allowed. I remember getting so sick of it, but since my parents never threw anything out, I had to finish the stale boxes. And yet, I still have the fondest memories of the Cap’n!

After opening the box, I realized it was all Crunch Berries—just blue and cream-colored spheres. A sweet deal, since that’s the best part, amirite?!

The texture was as I remembered: slightly rough, with some slight roof-of-the-mouth scraping. It was as satisfying as I remember, like a harder Cheetos puff—a crunch leading to a slight squish and gumminess that gets stuck to your molars.

One thing that surprised me: I remember Crunchberries Cereal getting uber soggy as a kid, but this held up well. The milk did intensify the blue color, but that was about it.

Flavor-wise, it was straightforward vanilla. Nothing fancy—no Madagascar or Tahitian vanilla, just plain ol’ vanilla. For some reason, I wanted the blue pieces to taste different. It’s like when people think each color in Froot Loops has a unique flavor, but nope—it’s all the same. No surprise blueberry twist here!

I was slightly disappointed that my milk didn’t turn blue—though I guess this isn’t called “Star Wars Blue Milk Cereal.” It did impart a mild vanilla flavor to the milk, at least.

Overall, it was tasty, but honestly very safe and boring. If Quaker really wanted to lean into the “arctic” theme, it should have taken inspiration from Kellogg’s Elf on the Shelf and ICEE cereals and added a cooling effect.

Purchased Price: $4.93
Size: 15.5 oz (Family Size)
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 ¼ cup (38g) – 150 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugar (includes 15 grams of added sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol), and 2 grams of protein.

What is it?

Despite looking older than his age for several decades now, Cap’n Crunch is turning 60 this year, and as such, he has made himself a celebratory birthday cake-flavored cereal. What, you don’t make your own birthday dessert? Well, LOOK AT YOU, Mr. I-Actually-Have-Friends-and-Family-Who-Love-Me.

How are they?

Distinctly birthday cake-y. What is “birthday cake” flavor, anyway? Generic vanilla sugar cake? Anyway, the Cap’n manages to capture the flavor admirably with his multi-colored misshaped balls. If I had one complaint, it would be that the flavor is a bit muted; if a full-on grade school birthday party cake is a 10, these were about a 5. Depending on your love for birthday cake flavor, this is either a good or bad thing.

Anything else you need to know?

As mentioned above, this cereal is entirely composed of multi-colored, oddly shaped balls. There are no yellow pillows (barrels?) or brightly and solidly colored “berries.” File this under “mildly interesting.”

Also, it appears from the picture on the box that the irregularly shaped pieces are supposed to be singularly colored; maybe the dye wasn’t set when my box was packed because what I ended up with looks like a hippie’s shirt closet.

Conclusion:

If you like birthday cake-flavored things and Cap’n Crunch, you will likely enjoy this version of the Quaker classic. Just try not to get hung up on the fact that the 60-year-old Cap’n has no one who cares enough to make him a cake.

Purchased Price: $4.78
Size: 14.8 oz
Purchased at: Hy-Vee
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (38 g) 150 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 14 grams of sugar (including 14 grams of added sugar), and 2 grams of protein.