REVIEW: Chocolate Cheerios

Are you a young homie trying to impress a young hottie?

Pushing her to the ground or teasing her are first grade tactics and ain’t going to work. I’ve got a third grade solution for you — necklaces.

You know they work because you’ve seen your daddy give your mommy necklaces all the time. He purchases one for Valentine’s Day, their wedding anniversary and after they end up on either Maury and Cheaters. Now you can’t afford the necklaces your daddy buys your mommy because you don’t have an allowance, which probably happened because your daddy buys so many necklaces. So I’m gonna teach all you young homies a cheap way to make your own necklace using the new Chocolate Cheerios.

Why Chocolate Cheerios and not the regular stuff or Honey Nut Cheerios? Well I think it’s one of the better tasting and sweeter Cheerios varieties and using the other stuff will make you look cheap. Also, if you use the good stuff, you can use the line, “I want to give something sweet to someone sweet.” I guarantee that line will get her to share her applesauce with you in the school cafeteria. You can’t pull that shit off with regular bland Cheerios or the not as sweet Honey Nut Cheerios.

In order to make the necklace, you’re going to need a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios and about two feet of thread. If you don’t know how long two feet is, ask your mommy or daddy to cut the piece of thread for you. If your mommy and daddy are having make up sex after he gave her a necklace, use the Chocolate Cheerios box to measure the length since it’s about one foot high.

Try to clean the table before you start, but if you can’t, don’t worry about it since you won’t be eating the cereal anyway. Lay the string on a table and start adding Cheerios to it. Alternate the different colors and she’ll know you put some thought into it. Once you’ve covered the entire string with Chocolate Cheerios, tie the two ends together and you’re done. Pour yourself a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios to celebrate, or if your parents are having make up sex, to feed yourself because they’ll be awhile.

Chocolate Cheerios isn’t quite as sweet as chocolate-flavored children’s cereals, but it does have a decent level of chocolate flavor, thanks to the fact that it’s made with real cocoa. Actually, its chocolatey-ness is exactly where I expected it to be since it’s a health conscious Cheerios product. But if it were any sweeter, I’d expect to see a cartoon character printed on the front of the box, some kind of puzzle on the back and it would be popular with 35-year-old virgins who live in their parents’ basements. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it, but I was more surprised by the chocolatey milk that was left after eating the cereal, which tasted like something that only Cocoa Puffs could leave behind. I have to say that Chocolate Cheerios is my favorite Cheerios variety.

If the young hottie rejects you, but keeps the necklace, an 11.25 ounce box of Chocolate Cheerios can easily make several necklaces, as long as you don’t eat the entire box within three days like I have. If you need another line when you present it to the next hottie, you can use, “I got a neck-lace for your pretty face.”

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup without milk – 100 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein and a bevy of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Chocolate Cheerios
Price: $3.99
Size: 11.25 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The best tasting variety of Cheerios. Made with real cocoa. Creates a chocolatey milk. Makes a nice necklace to impress a hottie. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Made with whole grains. 100 calories per serving. May reduce the risk of heart disease, unless you eat it with lard.
Cons: Needs to come in a bigger box. Only 1 gram of dietary fiber. Pushing or teasing a hottie to get her attention. Ending up on Maury or Cheaters.

REVIEW: Fruity Cheerios

Cheerios are enjoyed by so many people and I think the reason why Cheerios are beloved is because there are so many varieties. Just like 24-hour news networks, reality shows, and crazy publicly drunk celebrities to hate, there’s a type of Cheerios for everyone.

The varieties include, Honey Nut Cheerios, Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, Multi-Grain Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Berry Burst Cheerios, and Yogurt Burst Cheerios.

Because of all these varieties, Cheerios are adored by children, parents, firefighters, police officers, clowns, stoners, account executives, pimps, college students, financial planners, dog trainers, Oprah audience members, Buddhists, professional lacrosse players, telemarketers, the people who rip your ticket when you enter the movie theater, World of Warcraft players, Bittorrent seeders, fluffers, flight attendants, Hookah bar patrons, bums, street performers, towel boys, and shopping cart retrievers.

The love of Cheerios spreads out to Disneyland employees who wear costumes, backseat drivers, sanitation workers, volunteer art class nude models, NASCAR pit crew window cleaners, daytime strippers, spa treatment hair removal waxers, mechanical engineers, indie band drummers, MAC Cosmetics salespeople, Dungeon Masters, coupon clippers, starving people, Felix the Cat, AOL members, porta-pottie cleaners, big rig drivers, Olympic synchronized swimmer alternates, old folks who greet you at the Wal-Mart entrance, internet porn downloaders, 40-something year old pizza delivery guys, quasi-product review blog editors, crossword puzzle creators, dysfunctional former child stars, Colombian drug traffickers, astronauts, reality show contestant losers, loan defaulters, hip-hop artist entourage members, National Spelling Bee incorrect spellers, old school Reebok Pump wearers, and professional nose hair trimmers.

Despite the numerous groups of people who like Cheerios, there has been a small minority group that has been ignored by Cheerios…zombies. That’s right, the living dead hasn’t liked any of the previous incarnations of Cheerios, but thanks to the new Fruity Cheerios it appears there’s a Cheerios out there that appeals to zombies.

No wonder zombies went around killing people and eating their brains and raw flesh. They didn’t have a Cheerios to call their own.

If you don’t believe that zombies like Fruity Cheerios, check out the back of the Fruity Cheerios box, zombie hater. On the back of the box is one happy zombie, with its yellow skin and white pupils. Believe me, I’ve played enough Resident Evil to know what zombies look like, and that my friends is a zombie on the back of the box.

Who knew that Fruity Cheerios would have the power to turn a bloodthirsty zombie into a happy, smiling zombie? But then again, after trying Fruity Cheerios, I can kind of understand why zombies are happy. It’s not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops, but Fruity Cheerios is pretty good, thanks to the fact that it’s flavored with real fruit juice.

The colors of Fruity Cheerios were pleasant and bright, and powerful enough to turn the cold, empty heart of a zombie into a heart filled with love, compassion, and twelve essential vitamins and minerals.

I hope they don’t get rid of Fruity Cheerios, because I’m not going to be the one to explain it to the zombies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Tony, Meredith, and all the people who suggested I try Fruity Cheerios. Now I’m going to go kill some zombies with fire so they don’t eat all the Fruity Cheerios.)

Item: Fruity Cheerios
Price: $4.00 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Loved by zombies, which prevents them from eating human flesh. Good fruity taste. Nice color. Flavored with real fruit juice. Less sugar than leading fruity cereal. 12 essential vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Not as sweet as Fruity Pebbles or Froot Loops. Pissing off zombies if Fruity Cheerios are discontinued.