Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Oh Jack in the Box, when will you learn?

You can’t give your food items funny names without them getting teased. First it was Pannido? Now it’s Ciabatta? What are you trying to do, get them beat up?

Well, now that I think about it, it shouldn’t be so surprising coming from Crack in the Box…Oh, wait, I mean, Crap in the Box…I mean, Wack in the Box…

Anyway, here are a couple of examples of how poor Ciabatta could be teased:

Hakuna Ciabatta! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Ciabatta! Ain’t no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem-free philosophy. Hakuna Ciabatta!

Or someone could say, “Hey Ciabatta! Where’s Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon?”

If there’s anyone who knows what it’s like to have their name teased it would be me. For example, there’s Marvo the Retardo, Marvo the Bizzaro, Marvo the Lardo, Marvo the Farto…

STOP TEASING ME!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?!

STOP! STOP! I’M NOT CRYING!!!

NO, NO, NOT A WEDGIE!!!

AAAGH!!!

NO, THOSE AREN’T SKIDMARKS!!!

Oh sorry, I was having a schoolyard flashback.

Anyway, the Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta is a new sandwich with a grilled chicken breast on a lightly toasted ciabatta bun with reduced fat herb mayo, sliced tomatoes, green leaf lettuce, and red onion slices.

Of course, the highlight of the sandwich is the Ciabatta, a bread with a crispy hard crust and a soft center, which is much like regular Italian bread and my pale body when it’s been out in the sun for too long.

Unfortunately, the Ciabatta bread didn’t add anything to the taste of the sandwich. Neither did the reduced fat herb mayo. At least it’s high in protein, which will help me build some muscles on my pale body.

It’s sure a whole lot easier than shooting steroids into my ass.


Item: Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta
Purchase Price: $5.79 (small combo)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Ciabatta bread was fluffy, like hair styles from the 1980s. High in protein.
Cons: Pricey. Ciabatta bread doesn’t add to the taste. Reduced herb mayo was bland. Easy name to make fun of. Hakuna Ciabatta!

REVIEW: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

McDonald's Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

Okay that’s it.

I would like to dispel the following rumor: I do NOT weigh 300 pounds.

Just because I eat things like, the Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, McDonald’s Chicken Selects, and…

Holy crap. You know what, I’m amazed I don’t weigh 300 pounds.

Well at least I’ve consumed some healthy things, like POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate. Then there was the Healthy Choice Beef Franks. Also…Um…Give me a minute…Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink? It’s healthy right? After all it’s low carb.

Okay. Okay. I’ll admit it. There are no rumors about me weighing 300 pounds, but I have gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving on my pale flabby body. (Wanna see pictures? Okay, maybe not.)

Well I may not weigh 300 pounds, but I’ll get a few ounces closer thanks to the McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich.

Being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it’s very rare that I get a chance to eat a Philly Cheese Steak. However, I did have the pleasure of eating a Cheese Steak from the famous Pat’s Steaks in Philadelphia during a trip there over a decade ago.

Now let me tell you, if you’ve tasted the goodness of an authentic Philly Cheese Steak, this poor attempt by a multibillion-dollar, worldwide fast food chain will make you wonder three things:

  1. Were people in Philadelphia offended by it?
  2. Why can’t a company with billions of dollars do a good job of copying a Philly Cheese Steak?
  3. What’s wrong with Grimace?

The McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak was so bad that I decided to write a letter to it. (Yes, I wrote a letter to a sandwich.)

Dear McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak,

You may look like a Philly Cheese Steak. You may be messy like a Philly Cheese Steak. But you sir are no Philly Cheese Steak.

Go back into the kitchen whence you came.

At least the McDonald’s French Fries are still good.

Item: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (Value Meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: McDonald’s French Fries with the Value Meal.
Cons: Overpriced. Messy. Not even close to a real Philly Cheese Steak.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich

Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich

When I first heard about it, I REALLY wanted to try the new Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but there were two reasons why I didn’t:

1. There isn’t a Hardee’s anywhere here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

2. I don’t think I have the balls to consume it. (Come on. 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium would scare many people and make vegans faint.)

Addicted Impulsive Buy reader Aymie asked if I was going to review it, however I told her the previously mentioned reasons why I couldn’t.

A few weeks later, another addicted Impulsive Buy reader, Aymie’s Mom (Who REALLY is Aymie’s mom) told me about her husband’s review of the Monster Thickburger.

I was instantly jealous of him.

Sure the best way I could try to outdo him was to combine two McDonald’s Big Macs, but if I did that I would still be short 200 calories, 40 grams of fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, and 600 milligrams of sodium.

You’ve won this battle TheShu, but if McDonald’s ever creates the Quadruple Big Mac, the war will be mine. Muahaha. Muahaha.

Well to help me overcome the sadness of not eating a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I decided to try the new Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich, with its chicken breast, Swiss cheese, and two slices of ham, in between toasted sourdough bread. (Sacre blu! I know, you French-heads. It should be cordon blu. Don’t yell at me, yell at Jack.)

Despite the plastic looking Swiss cheese (check out the picture), it was pretty good. Sure it’s ONLY got 555 calories, a paltry 28 grams of fat, a tiny 100 milligrams of cholesterol, and a modest 1335 milligrams of sodium, but I think it’s one of the tastier fast food chicken sandwiches I’ve had. It’s sure better than this one.

I wonder if Hardee’s will come out with a Monster Chicken Thickburger.

Item: Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (small combo)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: No heart attack. Tasty. Ham. Sourdough bread.
Cons: Pricey. Not enough calories, fat, cholesterol, or sodium, or in other words, it’s not a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger. Name may upset the French.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake

Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake

I was first introduced to tryptophan by Mr. Claybaugh, my seventh grade history teacher. He told us about how turkey contains tryptophan, which is an amino acid that can make us sleepy. Mr. Claybaugh also told us that the only cure for overcoming the effects of tryptophan was to eat lots of pumpkin pie.

I don’t know if he was telling the truth or not.

Unfortunately, I haven’t really had a chance to prove it. Like most people at Thanksgiving, I always eat lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, ham, and yams. When dessert time rolls around, there isn’t much room for anything else, so I’ll only eat a slice of pumpkin pie, which probably isn’t enough to defeat the effects of tryptophan.

So before going on my trip to Las Vegas, I decided to find out the truth.

So I went to the national grocery store chain I shop at and looked for turkey. Unfortunately, finding a turkey right before Thanksgiving turned out to be a difficult task, because the store sold out. I thought about it for a few moments and a lightbulb popped into my head.

I walked to the deli counter to see if they had turkey and they did. I asked for a pound of turkey, which I received nicely sliced.

Now I that I had my turkey, all I needed was the pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, finding a pumpkin pie right before Thanksgiving also turned out to be a difficult task. Because it was almost Thanksgiving, I needed to order a pumpkin pie 24 hours in advance.

So instead of buying a pumpkin pie, I decided to pick up the new Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake, which is made with pumpkin-flavored ice cream seasoned with nutmeg and cinnamon. Close enough, right?

Now that I had my turkey and my “pumpkin pie,” the experiment could begin.

I ate the pound of turkey and then I tanked the medium-sized Pumpkin Pie Shake. The shake was really good and it tasted like pumpkin pie. Too bad Jack in the Box is only making these for a limited time.

After finishing off the Pumpkin Pie Shake, I sat in front of the television and watched the Tony Danza Show.

Minutes later I fell asleep.

After I woke up and wiped the drool from my face, I realized that maybe the Pumpkin Pie Shake wasn’t a good substitute for an actual pumpkin pie.

I also realized there are other things that will work much better to combat the effects of tryptophan and the Tony Danza Show. These include coffee, caffeine, and crack.

Item: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake
Purchase Price: $2.29 (medium)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like pumpkin pie. Surprisingly good. Don’t have to worry about pie crust.
Cons: Not a good replacement to overcome effects of tryptophan or the Tony Danza Show.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl

Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl

Sometimes I buy a product to please the Television Advertising Gods in hopes that they stop playing the DAMN annoying commercial that promotes the product.

This was the case with the new Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl.

The commercial goes something like this:

Some guy and his cute girlfriend come up to the register. The guy asks the person at the register if it’s true that the employees won’t make a Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, until they order it. The person working the register says yes.

Then the guy jerks around with the Taco Bell employees by not completing their order for the Zesty Chicken Border Bowl. This goes on for a while, until the cute girlfriend interrupts him and finishes the order.

Why is it that some cute and smart women end up with assholes?

Anyway, in hopes of putting a stop to this commercial, I purchased a Zesty Chicken Border Bowl with it’s grilled, marinated all-white-meat chicken; cool, crisp lettuce; fiesta salsa; hot steaming rice; and warm beans. It also came with a dressing, which apparently gives it its zest.

I decided to taste the dressing first to find out if it was going to be another McDonald’s buffalo sauce.

Well the dressing tasted like crap, but I thought the Zesty Chicken Border Bowl wouldn’t be a Zesty Chicken Border Bowl without the zest, so I added it.

To my surprise, mixing it with the Border Bowl made it taste pretty good.

I guess it’s kind of like how fertilizer smells and tastes like crap, but when added to a flower garden, it makes the garden look beautiful.

You might be wondering how this is possible. Well let’s just chalk it up as one of those mysteries that may never get solved because most people don’t care, like whether or not Creed was a Christian rock band.

Despite sacrificing a Zesty Chicken Border Bowl, I still see the DAMN commercial.

It’s a good thing the Zesty Chicken Border Bowl is tasty, because it looks like I’m going to have to eat a few more to please the Television Advertising Gods.

Item: Taco Bell Zesty Chicken Border Bowl
Purchase Price: $3.79
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: A meal in a bowl. Border Bowl tastes good with dressing.
Cons: Damn annoying commercial. Dressing tastes like crap without Border Bowl. Didn’t please Television Advertising Gods.