Tag: Fast Food

REVIEW: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

Marvo 46 Comments

BK Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch

Dear Darius Rucker,

My name is Marvo and I’m a big fan of Hootie and the Blowfish, except for that last album you guys did in 2003. I will also admit, for about six months, I didn’t know you were African-American until I saw one of your music videos on MTV.

I’m writing this letter in regards to the Burger King commercial you did for the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch. I was wondering how much dignity you have left, because you were a multi-platinum recording artist and now you’re a burger salesman.

Don’t you know that once a celebrity loses all of his or her dignity, they become like Michael Jackson or a cast member on a reality show?

Although, I will admit the song you sing the in commercial is catchy, like your song “Only Wanna Be With You.” The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song has been stuck in my head for the past couple of weeks. As a matter of fact, my roommate swore he heard me singing the song in my sleep one night while I slept on the living room couch.

But this is not about me singing the song, it’s about you singing the song. This burger selling has to stop before it gets worse and you end up singing songs about insurance or cell phone service plans.

Imagine having to sing a song like this:

I love my cell phone service plan
It allows me to talk to anyone I like
Let’s me call relatives and friends
Free calls on weekends and nights

There’s no roaming charges
Almost everywhere I goes
Receiving text messages are free
I can download ringtones

I love my cell phone service plan
Caller ID and voice mail are slick
Keeps me from receiving prank calls
Since my number was on Paris’ Sidekick

Besides, have you actually eaten a Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch? I know, in the song you sing about how you love the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch, but I’ve tried it and I don’t love it.

First off, in the song you sing about how there are streams of bacon ranch dressing, but there’s got to be a drought or something, because at the Burger King I went to they were pretty stingy with it.

Darius Rucker

Also, I know YOU can afford it, but I paid an arm and a leg to buy the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch “value meal.” For the price I paid, I expected you to pop out from behind the counter and start singing the song to me.

I know it’s a very hearty sandwich with chicken breasts that grow on trees, tumbleweeds of bacon, and cheddar that paves the streets, but I wish it tasted better.

So please Darius Rucker, stop with the commercials. Please don’t make me feel sorry for you, because if you do, I’m gonna have to buy your solo albums out of pity.

Your fan,

Marvo

Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch
Purchase Price: $6.59 (Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Hearty sandwich. Bacon and cheddar. The Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch song is catchy. Hootie and the Blowfish’s last album sucked.
Cons: Not a lot of bacon ranch dressing taste. Pricey. Messy burger. Darius Rucker is an insurance commercial away from losing ALL of his dignity.

Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Marvo 15 Comments

Classic Chicken Ciabatta

Oh Jack in the Box, when will you learn?

You can’t give your food items funny names without them getting teased. First it was Pannido? Now it’s Ciabatta? What are you trying to do, get them beat up?

Well, now that I think about it, it shouldn’t be so surprising coming from Crack in the Box…Oh, wait, I mean, Crap in the Box…I mean, Wack in the Box…

Anyway, here are a couple of examples of how poor Ciabatta could be teased:

Hakuna Ciabatta! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Ciabatta! Ain’t no passing craze. It means no worries for the rest of your days. It’s our problem-free philosophy. Hakuna Ciabatta!

Or someone could say, “Hey Ciabatta! Where’s Han Solo and the Millennium Falcon?”

If there’s anyone who knows what it’s like to have their name teased it would be me. For example, there’s Marvo the Retardo, Marvo the Bizzaro, Marvo the Lardo, Marvo the Farto…

STOP TEASING ME!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!?!

STOP! STOP! I’M NOT CRYING!!!

NO, NO, NOT A WEDGIE!!!

AAAGH!!!

NO, THOSE AREN’T SKIDMARKS!!!

Oh sorry, I was having a schoolyard flashback.

Anyway, the Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta is a new sandwich with a grilled chicken breast on a lightly toasted ciabatta bun with reduced fat herb mayo, sliced tomatoes, green leaf lettuce, and red onion slices.

Of course, the highlight of the sandwich is the Ciabatta, a bread with a crispy hard crust and a soft center, which is much like regular Italian bread and my pale body when it’s been out in the sun for too long.

Unfortunately, the Ciabatta bread didn’t add anything to the taste of the sandwich. Neither did the reduced fat herb mayo. At least it’s high in protein, which will help me build some muscles on my pale body.

It’s sure a whole lot easier than shooting steroids into my ass.

Item: Jack in the Box Classic Chicken Ciabatta
Purchase Price: $5.79 (small combo)
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Ciabatta bread was fluffy, like hair styles from the 1980s. High in protein.
Cons: Pricey. Ciabatta bread doesn’t add to the taste. Reduced herb mayo was bland. Easy name to make fun of. Hakuna Ciabatta!

REVIEW: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

Marvo 32 Comments

McDonald's Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

Okay that’s it.

I would like to dispel the following rumor: I do NOT weigh 300 pounds.

Just because I eat things like, the Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, McDonald’s Chicken Selects, and…

Holy crap. You know what, I’m amazed I don’t weigh 300 pounds.

Well at least I’ve consumed some healthy things, like POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate. Then there was the Healthy Choice Beef Franks. Also…Um…Give me a minute…Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink? It’s healthy right? After all it’s low carb.

Okay. Okay. I’ll admit it. There are no rumors about me weighing 300 pounds, but I have gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving on my pale flabby body. (Wanna see pictures? Okay, maybe not.)

Well I may not weigh 300 pounds, but I’ll get a few ounces closer thanks to the McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich.

Being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it’s very rare that I get a chance to eat a Philly Cheese Steak. However, I did have the pleasure of eating a Cheese Steak from the famous Pat’s Steaks in Philadelphia during a trip there over a decade ago.

Now let me tell you, if you’ve tasted the goodness of an authentic Philly Cheese Steak, this poor attempt by a multibillion-dollar, worldwide fast food chain will make you wonder three things:

  1. Were people in Philadelphia offended by it?
  2. Why can’t a company with billions of dollars do a good job of copying a Philly Cheese Steak?
  3. What’s wrong with Grimace?

The McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak was so bad that I decided to write a letter to it. (Yes, I wrote a letter to a sandwich.)

Dear McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak,

You may look like a Philly Cheese Steak. You may be messy like a Philly Cheese Steak. But you sir are no Philly Cheese Steak.

Go back into the kitchen whence you came.

At least the McDonald’s French Fries are still good.

Item: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (Value Meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: McDonald’s French Fries with the Value Meal.
Cons: Overpriced. Messy. Not even close to a real Philly Cheese Steak.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich

Marvo 19 Comments

Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich

When I first heard about it, I REALLY wanted to try the new Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but there were two reasons why I didn’t:

1. There isn’t a Hardee’s anywhere here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

2. I don’t think I have the balls to consume it. (Come on. 1,420 calories, 107 grams of fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,651 milligrams of sodium would scare many people and make vegans faint.)

Addicted Impulsive Buy reader Aymie asked if I was going to review it, however I told her the previously mentioned reasons why I couldn’t.

A few weeks later, another addicted Impulsive Buy reader, Aymie’s Mom (Who REALLY is Aymie’s mom) told me about her husband’s review of the Monster Thickburger.

I was instantly jealous of him.

Sure the best way I could try to outdo him was to combine two McDonald’s Big Macs, but if I did that I would still be short 200 calories, 40 grams of fat, 70 milligrams of cholesterol, and 600 milligrams of sodium.

You’ve won this battle TheShu, but if McDonald’s ever creates the Quadruple Big Mac, the war will be mine. Muahaha. Muahaha.

Well to help me overcome the sadness of not eating a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I decided to try the new Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich, with its chicken breast, Swiss cheese, and two slices of ham, in between toasted sourdough bread. (Sacre blu! I know, you French-heads. It should be cordon blu. Don’t yell at me, yell at Jack.)

Despite the plastic looking Swiss cheese (check out the picture), it was pretty good. Sure it’s ONLY got 555 calories, a paltry 28 grams of fat, a tiny 100 milligrams of cholesterol, and a modest 1335 milligrams of sodium, but I think it’s one of the tastier fast food chicken sandwiches I’ve had. It’s sure better than this one.

I wonder if Hardee’s will come out with a Monster Chicken Thickburger.

Item: Jack in the Box Chicken Cordon Blue Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (small combo)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: No heart attack. Tasty. Ham. Sourdough bread.
Cons: Pricey. Not enough calories, fat, cholesterol, or sodium, or in other words, it’s not a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger. Name may upset the French.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake

Marvo 12 Comments

Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake

I was first introduced to tryptophan by Mr. Claybaugh, my seventh grade history teacher. He told us about how turkey contains tryptophan, which is an amino acid that can make us sleepy. Mr. Claybaugh also told us that the only cure for overcoming the effects of tryptophan was to eat lots of pumpkin pie.

I don’t know if he was telling the truth or not.

Unfortunately, I haven’t really had a chance to prove it. Like most people at Thanksgiving, I always eat lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, ham, and yams. When dessert time rolls around, there isn’t much room for anything else, so I’ll only eat a slice of pumpkin pie, which probably isn’t enough to defeat the effects of tryptophan.

So before going on my trip to Las Vegas, I decided to find out the truth.

So I went to the national grocery store chain I shop at and looked for turkey. Unfortunately, finding a turkey right before Thanksgiving turned out to be a difficult task, because the store sold out. I thought about it for a few moments and a lightbulb popped into my head.

I walked to the deli counter to see if they had turkey and they did. I asked for a pound of turkey, which I received nicely sliced.

Now I that I had my turkey, all I needed was the pumpkin pie. Unfortunately, finding a pumpkin pie right before Thanksgiving also turned out to be a difficult task. Because it was almost Thanksgiving, I needed to order a pumpkin pie 24 hours in advance.

So instead of buying a pumpkin pie, I decided to pick up the new Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake, which is made with pumpkin-flavored ice cream seasoned with nutmeg and cinnamon. Close enough, right?

Now that I had my turkey and my “pumpkin pie,” the experiment could begin.

I ate the pound of turkey and then I tanked the medium-sized Pumpkin Pie Shake. The shake was really good and it tasted like pumpkin pie. Too bad Jack in the Box is only making these for a limited time.

After finishing off the Pumpkin Pie Shake, I sat in front of the television and watched the Tony Danza Show.

Minutes later I fell asleep.

After I woke up and wiped the drool from my face, I realized that maybe the Pumpkin Pie Shake wasn’t a good substitute for an actual pumpkin pie.

I also realized there are other things that will work much better to combat the effects of tryptophan and the Tony Danza Show. These include coffee, caffeine, and crack.

Item: Jack in the Box Pumpkin Pie Shake
Purchase Price: $2.29 (medium)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like pumpkin pie. Surprisingly good. Don’t have to worry about pie crust.
Cons: Not a good replacement to overcome effects of tryptophan or the Tony Danza Show.