REVIEW: Popeyes Red Hot Popcorn Chicken

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Popeyes Red Hot Popcorn Chicken

The Popeyes Red Hot Popcorn Chicken combo meal kicked my ass.

I eat fast food once a month, maybe less. Until this most recent adventure, I had never even been to a Popeyes. This probably makes me a terrible American. Having publicly admitted to these failings, I doubt they’ll let me back into the Midwest unless I overcompensate with an NRA card and at least two prominent Jesus-themed accessories.

It wasn’t the heat that got me. In fact, I fear my Sriracha sauce addiction is beginning to screw with my heat sensors. It’s just so delicious on everything! Today, I think I may have some on chocolate. Maybe a Sriracha s’more. This won’t even be a new low for me, assuming it doesn’t taste worse than canned Chinese water bugs or KC Masterpiece on a Twinkie.

Based on my damaged sensibilities, I felt that while the popcorn chicken offered a nice kick, the heat didn’t ever seem to build, likely thanks in part to the biscuit and ranch dip, both of which offer up tongue relief in addition to scary quantities of buttermilk (more on those supporting characters in a few paragraphs).

In the end, it was the sheer amount of greasy carb-loaded things that brought me down. The meal itself comes in a box roughly the same size and shape as a brick, which is exactly how it felt once it hit my stomach.

No one warned me that combo meals are a thing one needs to train for. I should’ve started on this months ago with a small order of Cajun fries every few days, maybe a sweet potato pie on the weekends. But I like my new jeans and wish to continue fitting into them, so it’s probably better that I didn’t make that much of a commitment.

The oh-so-convenient brick box is supposedly designed to be easy to eat on the go. I ate a good portion of it on the way home without incident, only to spill ranch all over my coffee table ten seconds after getting home. To my roommates: I am sorry if the Swiss army knife on the shelf smells like rancid buttermilk forever. Just try not to get it near your faces. It’s not my fault that those things have so many strange, hidden crevices. Point being, dip will always be the downfall of on-the-go meals.

Popeyes Red Hot Popcorn Chicken Meal

Oh – and sorry everybody else. I never properly introduced the cast of today’s lunch. The meal includes Cajun fries, the new Red Hot Popcorn Chicken, a signature biscuit, and ranch dip (the nameless character actor visible in the background of so many of chicken’s greatest appearances). The ranch felt like an afterthought, at worst the lazy answer to an otherwise one-note tub ‘o carbohydrates, at best a beacon of salvation for the stereotypically wimpy American palate. When the girl at the counter lovingly flung my ranch dip into the bag as she handed it over the counter, even the best five star service was put to shame, and my mounting ranch doubts were all but confirmed. That’s not to say the goop didn’t function as a delightful contrast to the spices in the chicken. There’s a reason ranch has earned its place of high acclaim alongside chicken bites and wings from sea to shining sea. I just wish Popeye’s had used this opportunity to shine by offering up some sort of creative twist harkening back to the bayou, perhaps gator sauce or fresh, warm oil.

The Popeye’s website describes the Red Hot Popcorn Chicken as being marinated in a “unique four pepper blend of Cayenne, white, black, and Habanero peppers.” Right. Okay then. For starters, black and white pepper are technically the same thing: shriveled almost-berries on a vine. For real. I found this out when I moved to California. Habaneros and Cayenne, like all other chili peppers, grow as flowering plants and are part of the nightshade family. Those guys also offer capsaicin, which makes them hot, unlike black peppercorns, which just sit there looking like a cluster of sun-baked BBs. So really we’re dealing with two heat-producing peppers and two standard, under-achieving spices in this red hot popcorn chicken. Color me unimpressed and pour me another shot of Sriracha. This concludes your horticulture lesson for today, kids.

What else have we got here in this box of wonders? Oh yes, the biscuit. I kind of love the extraneous biscuit thing Popeye’s does. It’s like a little acknowledgement that there is no hope in your meal choice. At this point, the most they can do is go ahead and throw the buttery behemoth in the box from the get-go to save you the shame of ordering it separately. So thank you, Popeye’s, for understanding me so well and reacting with discretion.

Everything inside the box was flavorful, providing the illusion of variety. The combo even seemed to hit all three of the main fast food groups: meat, starch, and sugar.

I’d declare this box my food of choice for bad days if the nearest Popeye’s wasn’t inconveniently far away, in the opposite direction of my workplace, nestled back into that one strip mall out by San Diego State where everyone goes for the good FroYo.

If you’re looking for nutritional sustenance or the five-star treatment, look elsewhere, but if you’re feeling rebellious, either toward your digestive tract or to the world at large, this is your winner. Remember to allow for the standard post-fast food bathroom time the next morning, and to bring along an extra dollar on your Popeye’s trip for some sweet potato pie. The unassuming little sign at the register burrows into one’s heart like a sad puppy and does not let go. Mmm… pie.

(Nutrition Facts – conspicuously impossible to track down, which is probably ultimately for the best)

Other Popeyes Red Hot Popcorn Chicken reviews:
Brand Eating
An Immovable Feast

Item: Popeyes Red Hot Popcorn Chicken
Price: $2.99 with chicken, fries, biscuit, and ranch dip ($3.99 with drink)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Popeyes
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Excellent crunchy/meaty ratio amongst all the popcorn chicken bites. Good baseline spice level. Sriracha. Black pepper vines. Chicken is juicy. Cajun fries-based training regimen. Biscuit!
Cons: Sad puppies. Barbequed Twinkies. Bringing shame to my Midwestern relatives. Sriracha not already present in this meal. Half the featured peppers not actually the hot kind. Buttermilk funk permeating certain areas of my living room. Oil spill joke too late to be topical, yet not outdated enough to no longer be in bad taste.

REVIEW: Starbucks Artisan Bacon, Egg & Gouda Breakfast Sandwich

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Starbucks Artisan Bacon, Egg & Gouda Breakfast Sandwich

As a non-coffee drinker, I’ve never had a particularly close relationship with Starbucks.  I know many of you reading this have connected with them in a deep, meaningful way I’ll never truly understand, like the bond between a man and his dog, or occasionally his wife.  I admire that, but there’s no reason for me to pay three dollars for a small hot chocolate when Swiss Miss is free at work.  (With OR without marshmallows!)  That being said, I don’t have anything against Starbucks, beyond the vaguely sinister-looking logo.  Their willingness to keep charging high prices in the midst of a massive recession was ballsy to the point of being almost endearing, and they really know how to tie a Barnes & Noble together.

So when they recently began offering Artisan breakfast sandwiches, I seized on it as a way to join the java junkies and really get the full Starbucks experience.  There are currently two varieties of sandwiches — I chose Bacon, Egg & Gouda because the soul is what makes it taste good, but those who claim dominion over plants but not yummy, yummy animals have their own option with Veggie, Egg, & Monterey Jack.  Vegans, sorry to say, are S.O.L.; apparently that’s a demographic Starbucks feels they can do without, at least until they roll out their Lentils, Gravel & Soy sandwich next quarter.  What makes it “Artisan” is the use of fresh ciabatta bread, which has the dual quality of being fun to say and automatically adding a dollar to the price.

All kidding aside, the bread IS good.  I would’ve been fine with just a biscuit because that’s the kind of low-brow guy I am, but it smells delicious and manages to be crispy but not hard on the outside and soft on the inside.  You may rest assured your barista isn’t just slapping some stale wonder bread left over from her kid’s lunch on your plate.  (Well, maybe yours is.  Perhaps you should consider tipping more than a buck every third visit, hmm?)  It’s also offset well by the bacon, which isn’t spilling out every side but still manages to seem pretty plentiful.  That’s key, because a common lament of food that aspires toward being more gourmet (even just a little) is that they tend to bolster the quality of the ingredients at the expense of quantity, with meat often being the first casualty.  You’re not going to feel like you’re eating a whole pig, but he’ll know you were there, by God.

Starbucks Artisan Bacon, Egg & Gouda Breakfast Sandwich Half

The cheese also comes through in a big way, partnering with the bacon to make your mouth salivate even as somewhere the Grim Reaper knocks another three pegs off your “Days ’till first heart attack” tally.  If any element is underrepresented, it would have to be the egg.  There’s nothing wrong with it, it just doesn’t pack nearly the smell or the taste of its more aggressive sandwich-mates.  And you can’t really blame this on Starbucks (okay, maybe the barista), but when I broke it in half, all of the bacon and most of the egg ended up on one side, which is kind of like having a rollicking threesome with Scarlett Johansson and Cloris Leachman — yes, technically it’s still a threesome, but you’re really better off just splitting the difference.

A final word of caution — the pictures make it hard to judge scale, but these are not massive sandwiches.  The bread is roughly five by five inches, so think of it more as a tasty mini-meal to help you power through a morning of inane coworker babble, rather than something that’s going to enable you to skip lunch.  (That’s what the schnapps in your lower left desk drawer is for.  Don’t worry, your boss doesn’t know.  Yet.)  If it were a little larger and a little cheaper I’d be able to recommend it even more highly, but as is, it’s still delicious.  Anyone used to paying Starbucks prices already probably won’t mind, but if you’re strictly a Dunkin’ Donuts kind of person, this is not the largest quantity of food you could get for your money.  Though from what I understand, pairing it with a 12-ounce coffee will net you a pretty good discount on both, so… yep, hosed again.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 350 calories, 18 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 170 milligrams of cholesterol, 840 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar and 17 grams of protein.)

Item: Starbucks Artisan Bacon, Egg & Gouda Breakfast Sandwich
Price: $3.45 ($3.95 w/ 12 oz. coffee)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Starbucks
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Non-coffee drinkers have a reason to visit Starbucks.  Enhancing Barnes & Nobles.  Sandwich options for both conscienceless murderers and hippie wimps.  Smells as good as it tastes.  Does not skimp on bacon.  Hiding booze at work.
Cons: Illuminati logo.  Vegans shafted again.  Damn well better be gourmet for what you’re paying.  Gross threesomes.  Only a full breakfast if you weigh 110 pounds.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder

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McDonald's Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder

Besides helping to increase toilet paper usage more than other foods, using the same ingredients to create new menu items is what Taco Bell does best. But it appears McDonald’s took a page from Taco Bell’s playbook when they came up with their Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder.

The latest addition to the McDonald’s Angus Third Pounder lineup combines the 100 percent Angus patty, bun, bacon, cheese, onion and pickles from a Bacon & Cheese Angus Third Pounder with the Chipotle BBQ sauce McDonald’s includes in their Chipotle BBQ Chicken Snack Wrap.

I didn’t expect McDonald’s, the 800-pound gorilla of the fast food world, who by the way probably got to 800 pounds by eating McDonald’s food, to stoop to the same level as the company who couldn’t be honest enough to name their Fourthmeal, which happens between late night drinking and breakfast, what it really is — Drunkfast.

Just like all of the other Angus Third Pounder burgers, the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder has a bit of heft thanks to the meaty 100 percent Angus beef patty. Or maybe they feel heavy because the only regular arm exercise I get is lifting 20-ounce bottles of Pepsi Max. The Angus patty is, by far, better tasting meat than what’s offered with other McDonald’s burgers. Too bad its flavor gets lost in this burger.

McDonald's Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder Booyah

The Chipotle BBQ sauce is one of the main ingredients of the Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder, but it’s also the burger’s main problem.

The Chipotle BBQ sauce is like a telenovela without the sensuality — all flavor, almost no heat. But that was to be expected since the McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Snack Wrap also isn’t spicy. While it may not provide any heat, what it does have is a sweet and smoky flavor. However, that sweet and smoky flavor dominates the Angus beef and all of the other burger’s ingredients, because it appears the burger jockeys in the McDonald’s kitchens have their sauce guns set to splooge.

The burger also come with three strips of bacon, pickles, red onions, and cheese, but, again, the chipotle BBQ sauce doesn’t allow any of them much face time, just like I’m not giving them much attention by only talking about them in this one sentence paragraph.

The Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder is my least favorite Angus Third Pounder variety. Not only is its flavor disappointing, but also its lack of creativity. What was so impressive about the original Angus Third Pounders was that McDonald’s was able to take a giant leap away from what we thought a McDonald’s burger should be, with better beef and colorful, fresh ingredients. They’ve shown they can make that leap and create a decent burger, so I’m disappointed all they could do is swap condiments to make something new. All they’re showing now is that they perhaps no longer want to take leaps, just baby steps.

Just like Taco Bell.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website. But I’m pretty sure it contains trans fat and enough sodium to make dogs want to lick you when you sweat.)

Other McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder Reviews:
Grub Grade
Brand Eating
An Immovable Feast

Item: McDonald’s Chipotle BBQ Bacon Angus Third Pounder
Price: $6.99
Size: Regular Value Meal
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Great if you’re really sick of the other Angus Third Pounder varieties. Three decent sized slices of bacon. Angus beef patty. Hefty burger. Pepsi Max. The original Angus Third Pounders.
Cons: Chipotle BBQ sauce brought no heat, and it’s sweet and smoky flavor dominated all of the other ingredients. Setting sauce guns to splooge. Swapping condiments isn’t very creative. McDonald’s take a page from the Taco Bell playbook.

REVIEW: Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger

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Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse

Children have such innocent minds, and those minds ask silly, but innocent questions, like:

Does chocolate milk come from a brown cow?

Why is the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?

Does daddy like to drive a car with no top because daddy has no top on his head?

Another silly question a child might ask a parent is: To make the new Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger, do they make the cows eat jalapenos and cheese?

If a child asks a parent that, it’s the responsibility of the parent to set them straight and tell them that pieces of jalapenos and small chunks of cheddar cheese are added later to the ground beef. However, if a child turns the question into a statement, he or she might be eating glue.

Stuffing a burger patty with ingredients that are usually on top of it isn’t something Burger King came up with first, although they are the first of the fast food giants to do so.

Almost exactly two years ago, Burger King released the Angry Whopper for a limited time. When I reviewed it back then, I was disappointed to discover it wasn’t as angry as I hoped. I would consider it having a level of anger that could easily be controlled with taking a timeout or deep breathing exercises.

However, the Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse is definitely angrier than the Angry Whopper, but not drunk Mel Gibson talking on the phone to his girlfriend angry. It’s angry enough that I think it might need to take anger management classes or a low dose of prescription drugs.

Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Patty

The jalapeno pieces in the burger patty aren’t the only ingredients that make the Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse spicy hot; it’s also the creamy poblano sauce, which tastes like a spicy thousand island salad dressing. These spicy ingredients not only brought the heat, but they also gave it a flavor that I think makes it tastier than any other BK Steakhouse burger I’ve tried. Although, in my eyes, that’s not hard to do, since I think other Steakhouse burgers are quite bland.

Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Split

The Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse has the same lettuce, tomatoes and bun as the regular Steakhouse, so I’ll only spend these 26 words on them. Surprisingly, the thick burger patty didn’t turn out as dry as I thought it would be. Perhaps my slightly juicy burger turned out the way it did because of the liquid from the jalapenos, or maybe the Burger King I went to has a flame-broiling master.

As for the cheddar stuffed in the ground beef, it does add to the flavor of the burger, but the spicy ingredients are definitely the screaming children trying to gain your attention. I’m just glad they didn’t go all Pizza Hut on this burger and stuff the cheese into the bun.

Oh great, I probably gave Burger King another idea. I hope if Burger King does come up with a Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse with a stuffed bun, it’s as good as the regular Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 590 calories, 34 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,240 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice heat from jalapeno and poblano sauce. Tastiest of the Steakhouse burgers. Poblano sauce tastes like a spicy thousand island dressing. Stuffing jalapenos in burger patty and not under the bun means no falling jalapeno slices. Surprisingly slightly juicy burger patty.
Cons: Probably not good to eat daily, or every other day. Lame iceberg lettuce. Buying a convertible to make up for balding. Eating glue. Mel Gibson drunk dialing.

REVIEW: Whataburger Green Chile Double

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Whataburger Green Chile Double

Whataburger restaurants are currently only located in ten states, all in the southern part of the United States, and I happen to be privileged enough to live in one of them. For those of you who live in the other 40 states, consider Whataburger something to look forward to when you take your cross-country road trip on the run from the Feds. For those of you living in Hawaii, I don’t know what to tell you. You’re on an island and Dog the Bounty Hunter lives there. There is no escape. You have no Whataburger to run to.

Another aspect of this product I’m reviewing, which, in case you have a handicap that prevents you from reading post titles, is the Whataburger Green Chile Double, is the green chiles. I live in a world where you can go to the grocery store and there’s a man outside roasting green chiles. He will give them to you straight off the grill, charred to perfection. I realize that many of you may not have this luxury. Instead of seeing this review as an act of torture as I dangle this hamburger in your face, consider myself an ambassador of Whataburger and roasted green chiles. As long as this burger doesn’t suck. In that case, consider yourself warned. And fortunate.

Whataburger is what I would consider to be high-end fast food. Way better than, say, McDonald’s, but not quite up to the quality of In-N-Out or Five Guys. You’ll wait a little longer at the drive thru, but it’s worth it. The hamburger patties are large and taste like actual hamburger, the ingredients always seem fresh, and the buns are tasty. Their fries are pretty standard fast food fries, but they make a country gravy I use as a fry dip that makes everything okay. Note to other fast food restaurants, offer a delicious country gravy on your menu and much will be forgiven.

We’re not here to talk about gravy, although I could probably write a disgusting amount of words about it. We’re here to talk about the Green Chile Double. Here’s what Whataburger had to say about it in the email they sent me:

“Whataburger’s new Green Chile Double stacks up two 100% pure American beef patties, two kinds of cheese and roasted green chiles. Come try one today. Hurry, it’s here for a limited time only.”

Whataburger Green Chile Double Halves

Limited time only. Three words I can never resist. Roasted green chiles, three more words I find difficult to ignore. I was more than ready to put my car in park at the drive-thru window to wait for this burger. I might have been more cranky if it had been summertime and 115 degrees outside. Living in green chile territory does have its disadvantages.

It was worth the wait, however, because the Green Chile Double is freakin’ delicious. Whataburger scores as usual for having great patties and fluffy buns. Fluffy Buns was my stage name back when I was a stripper, but that’s neither here nor there. Their burgers are already quite sizable, and making it a Double meant that I had almost half a burger left to enjoy the next day. Whataburger plays hard-to-get by not telling me what the two cheeses on the burger are, but I’m guessing American and Monterey Jack. They added a nice creaminess to go with the burger.

But that’s all pedestrian. The real star here are the chiles. They definitely didn’t skimp on them, which is good, because they add a nice little crunch and the perfect amount of heat. They’re roughly chopped, and you can actually see the char marks on the pieces, which means they really have been roasted. The crunch and that organic heat is what makes this burger stand out from just a regular burger. Whataburger does offer jalapeños on their regular menu as a topping, but green chiles have a different flavor and spice.

My one complaint would be that, while the green chiles do make the Green Chile Double different from other burgers, if you take them off, you’ve just got a standard Double Whataburger. They haven’t exactly reinvented the wheel. That said, roasted green chiles are a pretty unique topping, but they are just a topping after all.

After doing a little research, I discovered that the Green Chile Double is only available at restaurants in 2.5 of the 10 states that have Whataburgers. The rest get a Steak Sauce Double. I gotta say, I think we got the better deal. So when you’re cruising across the country using a fake identity in hopes of losing the fuzz, make sure to stop in west Texas, New Mexico, or Arizona. Make sure to commit that felony soon, though, since the Green Chile Double ain’t gonna wait around for you to hide that body.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger/382 grams – 1,020 calories, 570 calories from fat, 64 grams of total fat, 26 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 165 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,867 milligrams of sodium, 66 grams of carbohydrates, 8 grams of dietary fiber, 13 grams of sugars and 50 grams of protein.)

Item: Whataburger Green Chile Double
Price: $4.74
Size: 1 burger
Purchased at: Whataburger
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Roasted green chiles had char, added nice crunch and perfect heat. Fast food that serves country gravy. Big, juicy burger patties. Living in green chile territory. Creamy, melty cheese held everything together.
Cons: Definitely not for someone on a diet. Dog the Bounty Hunter. Take off the green chiles and you just have a regular cheeseburger. Fluffy Buns, stripper extraordinaire. Burger only available in 2.5 states.

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