Tag: Frito-Lay

Ruffles Light Potato Chips

Marvo 38 Comments

Ruffles Light

I thought I had accumulated enough good karma to prevent something like this.

I didn’t have to open doors for those strangers. I didn’t have to help those tourists who asked me for directions. I could’ve ignored them or said, “Me speaka no Englesh.”

I could’ve laughed and pointed at all those people who fell, tripped, or slipped in front of me, instead of offering them help and seeing if they were all right.

But I didn’t do it because I wanted to accumulate a ton of credits in my good karma bank account. I did all those good things just so I could avoid bad things, like eat a bag of Ruffles Light Potato Chips.

Oh, they tasted much like regular Ruffles and they were less greasy, but any product that turns my ass into a volcano can’t be good. R-R-Ruffles Have R-R-Ridges! R-R-Ruffles Light Causes R-R-Rectal Er-r-ruptions!

If only I were bulimic, all the time spent on the porcelain bowl would’ve meant something.

Although, I should’ve known it was too good to be true. I knew there must have been some kind of catch. How can a potato chip be fat free and have half the calories of its regular counterpart, and yet still taste the same?

Well I found out the truth the hard way.

Who knew Olean was another name for Olestra?

Olean. Olestra. Oh crap…literally!

For those of you who are not familiar with the possible side effects of Olestra, they are: diarrhea, gas, and cramps. I experienced two out of the three, which no matter how you look at it, is a horrible ratio.

Hitting two out of three free throws…good. Getting two hits in three at bats…good. Getting two out of three Olestra side effects…bad…very bad.

At least I didn’t experience another one of Olestra’s side effects, anal leakage. My Jockey Next to Nothing Boxer Briefs were very thankful.

I guess it didn’t help I ate half of the bag in one sitting, while watching Behind the Music: Guns N’ Roses for the sixth time.

I noticed something was wrong when I started having lots of gas. If the amount of gas I was putting out could fuel cars, I could’ve easily dropped gas prices by a dollar.

Then came the constant trips to the bathroom. For two straight days, I attempted to go running, but within five minutes I found myself running to the nearest restroom.

It wasn’t pretty. Even as I type this, I’m still experiencing some the effects of the Ruffles Light, which I finished off on Sunday.

What the hell do I have to do to earn enough good karma to prevent something like this from happening again? Do I have to get Jen and Brad back together? Take down Walmart? Or rescue Britney’s baby shortly after it’s born?

Item: Ruffles Light
Purchase Price: $3.39
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: Tastes similar to regular Ruffles. Zero-fat. Low-calorie. No anal leakage.
Cons: Bag smaller than regular Ruffles. Not enough karma credits. Olestra. May cause excessive use of toilet paper. May cause excessive gas.

REVIEW: Funyuns With Wasabi

Marvo 20 Comments

Funyuns With Wasabi

(Editor’s Note #1: It’s the final day of Reader Request Week here at the Impulsive Buy and today’s review comes from the same person who requested the first review this week, lightpinksheep. This time we will be reviewing the scary, yet intriguing Funyuns With Wasabi.

Don’t know what wasabi is? Well read on.)

(Editor’s Note #2: The following review features stunts performed either by professionals or a not-so-bright quasi-product review blog editor. Accordingly, the Impulsive Buy must insist that no one attempt to recreate or re-enact any stunt or activity performed in this review.)

Otherwise known as Japanese horseradish, wasabi is a very spicy condiment, sort of like mustard, except with wasabi, you may experience pain comparable to having your nipples twisted with metal clamps.

No wait, that actually feels kind of good.

Wasabi is so spicy that it has been known to make grown men cry. It’s green in color and is usually eaten with sushi.

To prepare for this review of Funyuns With Wasabi, I decided that I needed to remember what wasabi tastes like, because the only time I ever tried it was for a dare in college, which involved me consuming a pea-sized dollop of wasabi.

Well the experience was so traumatic, that I don’t remember what wasabi tastes like. All I remember from that is a blur of constant glasses of water and laughter directed towards me. Oh, and the dollar I earned for doing it.

The dollar was sooo not worth it.

As I said before, wasabi has been known to make grown men cry. I’m a total wuss, so imagine how much of a little crybaby I became when I put a dime-sized dollop of wasabi into my mouth to try and jolt my memory of what it tastes like.

Let me tell you, it did jolt.

After swearing like a sailor, drinking several glasses of water and milk, and wiping the tears away from my eyes, my mouth slowly returned to normal. The taste and burning sensations of wasabi are now tattooed on my brain permanently.

Now that I remembered what wasabi tastes like, I could now move forward and try these new Funyuns With Wasabi.

After I opened the bag, I could instantly smell a hint of wasabi coming from it. I gagged a little bit, but composed myself and began chomping them down.

I could definitely taste the wasabi. It’s not even close to being as strong as eating wasabi straight, but I could feel a slight spicy burn from them. I got through about one-sixth of the bag and then I had to stop. I couldn’t eat anymore, so I them gave them to my friend, who ate the rest of the bag.

He thought they were pretty good.

I guess mathematically someone in the world had to.

Item: Funyuns With Wasabi
Purchased Price: $1.29
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Unusual flavor. Waaay better than eating just wasabi. Eating wasabi straight makes for a wonderful dare or prank. My friend likes them.
Cons: The wasabi flavor is definitely not for everyone. Slight spicy burn. Leave eating straight wasabi to professionals and not-so-bright quasi-product review blog editors.