REVIEW: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites

I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to

I’ve never wanted to sing the chorus of the Boyz II Men song “I’ll Make Love To You” to a box of cereal before, until I tried the Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites, which is being marketed to kids. I would sing more than just the chorus if only I knew the rest of the song’s lyrics, because I keep getting the lines mixed up between this song, the other Boyz II Men hit, “On Bended Knee,” and Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up.”

Also, if I sang more I would be breaking a lot of windows with my voice. Not because it provides a high-pitch frequency to shatter glass, but because people will jump through windows to quickly get away from the sound that’s coming out of my mouth.

I won’t sing “I’ll Make Love To You” to just any box of cereal, despite what other cereal boxes, which I won’t name for fear of being snap, crackled or popped, might say about me. The Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites are so good that I just want to stick my face into a bowl of it and lap it up like a dog after playing fetch the ball with Payton Manning.

When I bite into them it feels like there are small pieces of chocolate in each cereal biscuit, which is possible since the ingredients include semisweet chocolate chips. And I’m not talking about fake-ass mockolate. I’m talking about the real shit with cocoa butter. By keeping it real, the cereal tastes like little slices of chocolate cake and that’s why I sing:

I’ll make love to you
Like you want me to
And I’ll hold you tight
Baby all through the night
I’ll make love to you
When you want me to
And I will not let go
‘Till you tell me to

Not only does this cereal taste good, it’s also good for me because it has six grams of dietary fiber per serving, which is about one-fourth of the daily recommended intake of fiber. It’s also made with 100% whole grains, although because the cereal makes me want to spend a lot of money to get into its box, I think it might actually be made out of whore grains instead.

Perhaps the only characteristic I didn’t like about the Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites was its name, which was confusing. Each piece of cereal was nearly half the size of regular Frosted Mini-Wheats, but its name didn’t articulate that because I tend to think that “little” is bigger than “mini.” If the iPod has taught me anything, besides not sticking my Belle & Sebastian collection on it so that people won’t think I’m a pussy, it’s that items from small to smallest should be named mini, nano, and shuffle.

I really hope Kellogg’s never decides to discontinue their Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites because it’s so good and so good for me that if they did halt production of it I would have to start singing the Boyz II Men song, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.”

(Nutrition Facts – About 52 biscuits – 200 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 270 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, 27 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein, and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Mini-Wheats Chocolate Little Bites
Price: $6.29
Size: 14.5 ounces
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like little slices of chocolate cake. Six grams of fiber per serving. Made with 100% whole grain. Contains real semisweet chocolate. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. Tastes best when eaten without milk.
Cons: Name is confusing. Milk kind of weakens its taste. Being caught with Belle & Sebastian on my iPod. My singing.

REVIEW: Froot Loops Cereal Straws

Froot Loops Cereal Straws

I must start by saying that I’ve never really liked Froot Loops. I was always more of a Trix guy growing up. I can’t say why, exactly. Maybe it was my sympathy for the Trix rabbit, or maybe it was because I never really understood the appeal of Toucan Sam. He was boring and dull, nothing like my buddy “Two-Can Sam” who earned his nickname through his method of drinking which led to alcohol poisoning. Perhaps I never really dug Froot Loops because my elementary school would feed me stale ones every morning.

It also could’ve even been the fact that my school district switched from milk cartons to milk bags in the mid nineties, forcing us to puncture the bags like savages. The milk went everywhere but in the bowl, causing me to dress the cereal with tears when the milk from the bag ran out. So maybe it was the horrible traumatization, but I can’t be sure. What I am sure of is that I no longer have to relive those memories, as Froot Loops now come in straw form.

“Straws…made of cereal? This is fucking AWESOME!”

What do you mean? That wasn’t what you were thinking? Okay, you’re probably right. On the list of “things nobody asked for, but we’re going to give you anyways,” cereal straws has to rank in the top five. On that basis alone, it was worthy of an impulsive buy. I need to drink more milk, anyways. I haven’t grown in years and the commercials say it helps prevent osteoporosis in women. I’m not sure if I need that second part, but you can never be too sure.

Upon perforating one of the two packages, the perfume of fake fruit and powdered milk permeated the air and tempted the taste buds (try to say that without sounding like Daffy Duck, I dare you). There’s something about unabashedly artificial flavoring that’s both charming and nostalgic…sexual, even. Alright, maybe not sexual, but something pleasant nonetheless. The straws were thinner than what the box indicated, looking more like real straws than giant-sized novelty pens. They are lined in the middle with that sickly sweet powdered milk that seems to be popping up in granola and cereal bars everywhere. Someone needs to tell these guys that it does NOT replace milk and that we can all tell it’s just sweetened coffee creamer. Fortunately, the flavor of that is masked by the Froot Loop shell.

The straws themselves are rather sturdy and hold up well to milk. They last a long time without getting soggy and do actually work as straws. They basically taste like Froot Loops, which is all you could realistically hope for. Sadly, the cereal straws live in a paradoxical existence; humans cannot eat and drink at the same time. Well…I guess soup makes us do that, but let’s ignore that for a second.

Once you take a single bite of the cereal straw, it becomes too short for drinking and the fun immediately dissipates. If you just sit there and drink the milk, you’ll just be wasting the straw as it imparts no flavor and is generally useless. Once you get to the bottom, you realize you have a half-soggy cereal straw with no milk to wash it down with.

God damn, it’s like a snake eating its own tail!

Alas, cereal straws are apparently too cool for the laws of this universe and exist only as fun, yet impractical novelties.

Item: Froot Loops Cereal Straws
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Froot Loops flavor and fragrance. Snackable without milk. Actually works as a straw. My buddy “Two-Can Sam.”
Cons: Ridiculously pointless. Extremely artificial taste. Alcohol poisoning. Daffy Duck’s speech impediment. Can’t drink and eat at same time.

Eggo Cereal

Update: This cereal was brought back in 2019. Click here to read our review of the 2019 version.

Maple syrup is great for pancakes, French toast, and embarrassing your family name for participating in a maple syrup chugging contest

They are also great on waffles, especially frozen waffles. Actually they’re even better on burnt frozen waffles that were in the toaster for too long because a certain someone was distracted by a Girls Gone Wild DVD commercial on television.

Did you know the Canadian province of Quebec is the world’s largest producer of maple syrup?

Did you know that written things in Canada have to come in both English AND French?

Did you know there’s a Girls Gone Wild Canada?

Many of the pancake syrups you see on your store shelves contain little or no maple syrup at all. So it didn’t surprise me that the new maple syrup-flavored Eggo Cereal didn’t contain any maple syrup.

The only syrup it contained was high fructose corn syrup, which disappointed me like those black censored bars used in the Girls Gone Wild commercials.

Eggo Cereal was supposed to taste like waffles with maple syrup and it sort of did. However, it tasted more like a less-sweet Cap’n Crunch with a strong fake maple syrup scent. Since I’m a fan of Cap’n Crunch, I liked the taste of it.

So with the Eggo Cereal you get the goodness of Cap’n Crunch without the shredded upper palate. It’s like with a Girls Gone Wild DVD, you get the flashing goodness that happens during a New Orleans Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street without the need for beads.

Eggo Cereal was also supposed to look like waffles, but on the box they look like Chex cereal and in reality they look nothing like waffles or Chex cereal.

It’s sort of like when I’m drunk and I’m at the video store and I accidently pick up a Guys Gone Wild DVD. The first three letters of the title make it look like a Girls Gone Wild video, but when you get through the first three minutes of it, it looks nothing like a Girls Gone Wild video because there’s more sausage it in than a New York City hot dog stand.

Oooh, a Girls Gone Wild commercial!!!

Item: Eggo Cereal
Purchase Price: $5.79 (13.5-ounces)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Nice fake maple syrup smell. Tasted like Cap’n Crunch, but didn’t hurt like Cap’n Crunch. Full of vitamins and minerals.
Cons: Cereal didn’t look like waffles and didn’t really taste like waffles. Hard puzzles on the back of the box. Black censored bars in the Girls Gone Wild commercial. Accidently picking up Guys Gone Wild while drunk.

REVIEW: French Toast Pop-Tarts

Kellogg's French Toast Pop-Tarts

If you’re an avid reader of the Impulsive Buy, you know that we like Pop-Tarts. We’re Pop-Tart aficionados, if you will. We consider them to be part of our complete breakfast, and sometimes lunch, dinner, and midnight snack.

In the past few months, we’ve reviewed this one, this one, and this one, which have also turned out to be our top three all-time favorite Pop-Tarts flavors.

Recently, I came upon the new French Toast Pop-Tarts and wondered if they really did taste like French Toast. However, it’s been a while since I’ve eaten French Toast because I’m afraid of eggs, due to the egg cholesterol controversy.

First, they say eggs are bad for me, then they say they’re good for me, then they say they’re bad for me again, then they say they’re good for me again, and then they tell me that they’re good for me if I eat it in moderation.

Since I haven’t had French Toast in a long time, I can’t remember how it tastes. So I decided to overcome my fear of eggs and make French Toast.

Because I watch excessive amounts of the Food Network, I felt like I could cook some mean French Toast. Although to be honest, I mostly watch it for Rachael Ray.

After cooking a stack of French Toast and adding the butter, cinnamon, and syrup, I did my comparison.

Oh, man. I forgot that I made some damn good French Toast.

Hell yeah!

Oh, they were so heavenly.

Then I declared myself the King of French Toast and I thought no inferior French Toast Pop-Tart could beat MY delicious French Toast.

Well, I was wrong.

The French Toast Pop-Tarts were pretty good, with its syrup filling and cinnamon sprinkled on top. However, it’s not the best Pop-Tarts I’ve had, but it’s probably one of my top 5 favorites.

Although, I think that the syrup filling wasn’t that sweet and I wish it had a cinnamon-flavored frosting, instead of just cinnamon sprinkled on top. But overall, they totally do trump my own French Toast.

I guess the King of French Toast is dead.

Now that I think about it, maybe the reason why I stopped eating French Toast was not because of my fear of cholesterol, maybe it was because I suck at making French Toast.

Item: French Toast Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Cinnamon. Gooey syrup filling. Possibly one of my Top 5 favorite Pop-Tarts. Better than MY crappy-ass French Toast.
Cons: Syrup filling wasn’t that sweet. Wish there was frosting. Do not freeze.

Spider-Man Cereal

Spider-Man Cereal

I originally picked this cereal for one reason: It was on sale for $2.29.

It wasn’t until I got home that I realized there was another reason: This box of cereal may make me filthy stinkin’ rich someday.

If you look at the upper right hand corner of the box, it says “Limited Edition.” This cereal is a collector’s item. So if I keep everything in pristine condition, it’s going to be worth something someday. That means I couldn’t open the box and I couldn’t eat the cereal.

Since I couldn’t eat the cereal, I had a dilemma. How could I do a review, without eating the cereal? My problem was solved when I went back to the supermarket and saw that the Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal was still on sale.

I bought two more boxes, one to eat and another one to add to my Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal collection. Unfortunately, I had to search through the boxes on the shelf to get a pristine one. There were quite a few on the shelf I had to look through. I guess people don’t realize the earning potential of those cereal boxes.

For breakfast the next morning I had a bowl of Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal. It felt like I was eating away money. I wonder how much a partially eaten box of Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal would go for on eBay.

Anyway, the cereal is cleverly shaped like spider webs and tastes much like Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries. I don’t really like Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries or Cap’n Crunch because every time I ate them the roof of my mouth would get shredded raw. I have horrible memories of pulling off hanging bits of flesh from the top of my mouth.

You know what would make Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal better? It needs some kind of toy in it. How about an action figure, something that shoots out webs, or a life-sized blowup doll of Mary Jane? If it had a toy, it would make it even more of a collector’s item.

Overall, I’m not impressed with this cereal. I’m not impressed with the taste of it and I’m beginning to not be impressed with the potential value of it. I just checked and someone on eBay is selling an unopened box of the Limited Edition Spider-Man cereal they made for the first Spider-Man movie for $1.99 and no one had bid on it.

Then again, it’s only been a few years since that cereal came out. Give it a few decades and then we will see what it’s worth.


Item: Spider-Man Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.29 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Limited Edition. Will hopefully be worth something someday.
Cons: Needs a Spider-Man toy. Tastes too much like another cereal. My retirement depends on the value of this cereal in 37 years.