As a quirky 20-something looking to recapture my childhood in the nutritionally devoid menace of fast food, you might say I live with unrealistic expectations of fried chicken products which harken back to my childhood. And, as a 20-something reluctant to embrace the finality of entering the “real world,” you might say I have unrealistic expectations of my parents to put up with my avoidance of grown up stuff.

Thankfully, KFC has offered me the chance to proliferate both of these unrealistic expectations with their new Original Recipe Bites. Marketed for “a distinctly grown up taste,” they feature the Colonel’s secret recipe of herb and spices applied to “100 percent white meat.” They also, apparently, will allow millions of Xbox playing bums living in their parents’ basements to prolong their bygone dreams of winning the Heisman trophy in the alternate world of NCAA 13. And while I hardly live in my parents’ basement (Please, I’m above that. No, literally. We all live on the same floor), I am well versed in putting off actual adult things in favor of rushing for 700 yards a game in a video game.

In the world of fast food chicken, the “bite” is a relatively recent if not overplayed phenomenon. Not quite a nugget, not exactly popcorn, and clearly not a finger or a tender, the best comparison for what KFC’s Bites actually are would be Chick-fil-A’s nuggets. Like Chick-fil-A’s moist, juicy, succulent, and nutty-sweet nuggets, KFC’s Bites have a breading that’s lighter than popcorn chicken, but still crunchy in spots. The flavor is classic KFC, which is to say a little pepper here, and little garlic here, and, obviously, a lot of salt all around. Not prone to the same burning or dried out effect that has plagued some versions of McDonald’s “McBites,” they come in an order of either six or ten with your choice of dipping sauce.

For the most part, the bite sized pieces aren’t bad, albeit a little small. My order – which is supposed to be 100 grams – clocked in at a pedestrian 78 grams, although the meat to breading ratio was much more respectable than McDonald’s aforementioned Spicy McBites. That being said, you can clearly see some crunchy ends jutting out of the main “bite.” Crunchy but hardly meaty, they tend to be saturated in oil. Speaking of oil, as someone who has long given into the seductive peanut oil infused taste and melt-in-your-mouth texture of Chick-fil-A’s nuggets, I can’t help but measure KFC’s Bites against them. And when it comes to matching Chick-fil-A’s nuggets, KFC just can’t do it. There’s no sweet aftertaste imparted from the oil, and the white meat itself, while not dry, is plain in flavor and nothing to write home about. All things considered, it’s about as “grown up” as Tommy Pickles in the Rugrats cartoon offshoot.

I probably wouldn’t order KFC’s Original Recipe Bites all by themselves, but the six-piece $3.99 combo deal provides me with enough of an excuse to indulge in one of fast food’s most guiltiest pleasure: KFC’s potato wedges. Potato-ey, greasy, and probably filled with enough chemicals to keep a high school science class happy; they’re not much to behold, but damn are they good.

All things considered, KFC’s Original Recipe Bites probably won’t stave off getting “the talk” about actual life responsibility from your parents, and probably aren’t good enough to convince those parents to invest one more year in exorbitant electric bills earned through Xbox Live play in their basement. Nevertheless, if you’re looking for something with a little more meat than a McDonald’s McBite, or you just want an excuse to eat KFC potato wedges, you could do a lot worse. Like, you know, grade school shake-and-bake nugget worse. Thankfully, I’m too grown up for grade school chicken nuggets.

(Nutrition Facts – 6 bites – 200 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 660 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 27 grams of sugar, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams sugar, and 22 grams of protein.)

Other KFC Original Recipe Bites reviews:
An Immovable Feast
Brand Eating

Item: KFC Original Recipe Bites
Purchased Price: $3.99 combo with 1 side and a drink
Size: 6 pieces
Purchased at: Kentucky Fried Chicken
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: 100% breast meat. Better than shake-and-bake nuggets. Decent meat to breading ratio. Crunchy end pieces. 11 herbs and spices. Excuse to eat KFC potato wedges. Never having to grow up.
Cons: Not as hefty as advertised. No where near Chick-fil-A nuggets in terms of interior moisture or flavor. Kind of bland. Oily. Celebrating a fast food product that celebrates, essentially, bumdom.

I want to mouth kiss the KFC Chickengineer who came up with the KFC Famous Bowl. I don’t care if it’s a man, woman, bionic chicken, or the computer that reads the thoughts of Colonel Sanders preserved brain, which holds the only list of all 11 secret herbs and spices.

When I find that person, I’m going to treat their mouth just as good as they treated mine when I ate their way to feed me popcorn chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and cheese in bowl form.

I also want to mouth kiss the KFC Chickengineer who developed their new KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl, but not because I was to thank them for creating it, but to help me get rid of all the saltiness in my mouth.

You’d think combining a KFC Famous Bowl with bacon would be one of the tastiest forms of gluttony ever and make the computer that’s hooked up to Colonel Sanders preserved brain feel the emotion of happiness, because after all, like resting my head on the bosom of a well-endowed woman, bacon makes everything better. However, with the KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl, that’s not the case.

The bacon comes in small chopped bits and, before being eaten, my KFC Cheesy Bacon bowl looked like it was caught in a bacon hailstorm or a drunk bacon fairy went a little crazy with the bacon dust. Actually, the amount of bacon isn’t surprising because there’s a lot of everything in this bowl, especially mashed potatoes, gravy, and meaty pieces of popcorn chicken. I was surprised by how heavy the KFC Cheesy Bacon bowl was. So much so, that I felt compelled to weight it.

It’s hard to taste the bacon, because there are so many pieces to this fast food puzzle called the KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl. It’s there, but it gets lost among the chicken and gravy. The bacon doesn’t make it better. All it really does is make it saltier, and that’s sad because I had high expectations for the combination of the KFC Famous Bowl and bacon. As matter of fact I was so eager to eat it that I forgot to take a photo of it before mowing it down with my KFC-issued spork, hence the half eaten bowl above.

However, with that said, I have to say I enjoyed the KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl. But just as much as the original KFC Famous Bowl, because they’re pretty much the same tasty amalgamations.

(Nutrition Facts – Not available on website yet, but a regular KFC Famous Bowl has 680 calories, 280 calories from fat, 31 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 2,130 milligrams of sodium, 74 grams of carbohydrates, 6 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Other KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl reviews:
Grub Grade

Item: KFC Cheesy Bacon Bowl
Price: $4.99 (most other places $3.99)
Size: More than a pound
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: As good as the KFC Famous Bowl. Heavy. Lots of bacon bits. Sporks. The KFC Famous Bowl. Meaty pieces of popcorn chicken. Lots of mashed potatoes. Lots of gravy.
Cons: Bacon doesn’t make it better. Bacon makes it saltier. Just as unhealthy as a KFC Famous Bowl. Not being able to meet the KFC Chickengineer who created the KFC Famous Bowl and make their mouth feel as good as they made mine.

Thanks KFC.

The name of your new KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich probably just gave the Black Eyed Peas a title for a new mindless and shallow song that will make my car’s speakers weep as it’s played in heavy rotation on the radio, make my TV’s speakers groan as it’s played during timeouts at NBA games and make my computer’s speakers take their own lives by blow themselves out when that song randomly starts playing on Pandora, thanks to my Miley Cyrus station.

Are you really willing to take responsibility for clogging ears, like you clog arteries with lyrics that may go like this?

You know I’m Doublicious.
This beat is phat and expeditious.
These lyrics make me seditious.
Carrots cake is not nutritious.

And you may think it ends with being overplayed on the radio, at NBA games and on the internet, but thousands of people will have that song set as their muthafrickin’ ringtone. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there either. It will continue to pollute the airwaves by being featured on a Now That’s What I Call Music! compilation, then children are going to cover the song on a Kidz Bop album, and if there’s another direct-to-DVD Air Bud or Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie, it will probably be on the soundtrack.

And that’s still not the end of it because a Black Eyed Peas song never dies, it either gets recycled or comes back to life over and over again to eat away at your brain, like a musical zombie. But there’s no head to shoot off with a shotgun.

Shoving Black Eyed Peas lyrics down my ears is like trying to make me buy the Original and Grilled KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwiches again, because I don’t want to do either regularly.

On paper, both KFC sandwiches look good. The Original Doublicious includes an Original Recipe filet topped with bacon, Monterey Jack cheese and the Colonel’s Sauce, while the Grilled Doublicious has a grilled filet with Monterey Jack cheese, lettuce and honey mustard BBQ sauce. Both sandwiches come with a Hawaiian sweet bread bun.

With the bun, KFC is trying to create a sweet and savory combination, which is perhaps the reason for the name Doublicious, or double delicious, if you will. However, I felt the bun wasn’t as sweet or as soft as the Hawaiian sweet bread I grew up with. The bun also had perfectly placed grill marks on the inside of it, which looked just as off-putting as the grill marks found on KFC’s Grilled Chicken. But what’s even more disturbing was the size of each Doublicious sandwich, which were quite small for the $4.49 I paid for each of them.

While they may not be hearty sandwiches, I did think they were both good, but the sweet and savory combo punch didn’t knock me to my feet. As I mentioned earlier, I thought the bun wasn’t as sweet as the Hawaiian sweet bread I grew up with, but I think its sweetness and flavor gets lost even more with the sweetness of the sauces.

The cheese in both sandwiches don’t have any impact on flavor. The bacon in the Original version makes the sandwich a little more savory and the lettuce in the Grilled one makes it appear healthier. As for the chicken filets, the Original one was a little crispy, while the Grilled one was a little creepy with the weird grill marks on them.

While both sandwiches are sweet and savory, I think they are so because of their sauces. The flavor of the chicken and their secret herbs and spices get lost with the sauces. It makes me wonder why KFC is trying to hide what they’re known for. It’s like they don’t believe the flavor of their chicken can stand on its own.

I wish KFC would believe in what makes their chicken finger lickin’ good, just like I wish a particular hip-hop group would stop making songs with lyrics that go like this:

I’m on the supersonic boom.
Y’all hear the spaceship zoom.
When, when I step inside the room.
Them girls go ape-shit, uh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Original – 470 calories, 23 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat* (*may contain less than 0.5 grams of trans fat), 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar and 33 grams of protein. Grilled – 360 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

Item: KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich (Original & Grilled)
Price: $4.49 each
Size: 187 grams (Original)
Size: 200 grams (Grilled)
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Original)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Grilled)
Pros: Good. Use of Hawaiian sweet bread bun. Good source of protein. Bacon. Black Eyed Peas before Fergie. KFC’s secret herbs and spices.
Cons: Damn small. Pricey for what you get. Sweet and savory flavor is dominated by sauces and didn’t blow me away. Not double delicious. Black Eyed Peas songs being played EVERYWHERE. Great source of sodium. Grill marks on bun freak me out. Can’t kill a Black Eyed Peas song.

The new KFC Original Boneless Filet makes me wonder if the company has choked their creative chicken too many times. After coming out with noteworthy products, like their Kentucky Grilled Chicken and Fiery Grilled Wings, they came out with a product that’s basically the stuff they stick in between buns to make some of their sandwiches.

It’s like KFC came up with the idea during their refractory period after choking their creative chicken, because as every man knows, it’s difficult to get anything to come up during a refractory period. That includes good ideas.

To give you an idea of how big a KFC Original Boneless Filet is, just imagine four McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets fused together into something that would make McNuggets even more unnatural. It’s lightly breaded and seasoned with the Colonel’s secret herbs and spices and then dumped into a sleeve usually reserved for KFC’s potato wedges.

If you’re familiar with KFC’s chicken, then you know what their Original Boneless Filet tastes like. It’s the same flavor you’ve learned to love, although beyond that there’s nothing exciting about its flavor and, even though it looks like a giant chicken nugget, it doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. The chicken was tender and somewhat juicy, but the exterior coating wasn’t crispy and seemed like it was just there to provide some friction to make sure the deep-fried chicken doesn’t slide out of its sleeve. Overall, the KFC Original Boneless Filet wasn’t original, nor does it get me excited.

Personally, I like bones in my chicken because they remind me I’m eating an animal and that I’m higher on the food chain than them. Yeah! Suck on that chickens! While I suck on my fingers, because you’re finger lickin’ good. I also like having bones around in case I have to defend myself against a rancor.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 filet – 170 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 4 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 23 grams of protein.)

Item: KFC Original Boneless Filet
Price: $5.99 (meal)
Size: 96 grams each
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: No bones. KFC herbs and spices. Chicken was tender. Being higher on the food chain than a chicken.
Cons: Same stuff found in their sandwiches. Coating wasn’t crispy. Doesn’t come with a dipping sauce. Refractory periods. Choking one’s creative chicken too many times. Having to defend yourself against rancors.

The new KFC Fiery Grilled Wings aren’t covered in a sauce, like KFC’s other chicken wing alternatives. Instead they’re marinated in peppers and then grilled. I like the idea of having a sauceless spicy wing because it’s less messy. Although I really do enjoy cleaning my fingers when they’re covered in sauce, because when I do it, it’s not a chore, it’s an art.

Starting with my thumb, I lick the entire length of my finger, from the bottom to the top. When I reach the tip, I flick it with my tongue a few times and then lick around the tip, moving my tongue in a circular motion. I count “one Mississippi” in my head to time each circular lick. Then I wrap my entire mouth around my finger, tightly sealing my lips around my finger’s base.

While my finger is in my mouth, I push my tongue up against the underside of my finger to help make sure I’m getting every little morsel off of it. As I slowly pull my finger out of my orifice, I tighten my grip around it with my lips and then count, “one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.” When my lips reach the tip, I smack my lips and then slowly lick them from one side to the other to make sure all the flavor is in my mouth and not anywhere else. Then I repeat the process with the other fingers.

When I want to shake things up a bit, I’ll stick two or three fingers in my mouth at one time. When I’m feeling really adventurous I’ll stick four fingers in. And when I’m under the influence of something, I’ll attempt to fit my entire fist in my mouth.

But again, since the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings aren’t covered in sauce, I won’t need to do any sucking, licking or Mississippi counting.

I enjoyed KFC’s Kentucky Grilled Chicken and I like this smaller, spicier version just as much. However, if you don’t like spicy hot food in your mouth and then coming out your other end, you should avoid these because they will light your ass on fire. On a scale of 1-10 with three being the heat generated by putting your laptop on your lap and 10 being the burning sensation while peeing due to a night of unprotected sex with someone/something you shouldn’t have had unprotected sex with, I feel the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings come in at a seven.

The hot spices also add just enough flavor to not overpower the taste of the Kentucky Grilled Chicken that I know and love. The combination of hot spices with the regular spices added to the grilled chicken make for a delicious bird limb.

If there’s one thing that bothered me about them, it’s the lack of wing pieces. As you can see in the photo above, I received one wing piece and the rest were drumsticks. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t know if it’s really a negative, since I prefer drumsticks over wings because they’re easier to eat.

Overall, I really liked the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings and if you enjoy spicy wings, you’ll probably like them too. But if you enjoy the sensation of sucking and licking sauce off of your fingers in a NSFW way and/or don’t like spicy food, I wouldn’t recommend these chicken wings.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 wing – 70 calories, 4 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 200 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber and 7 grams of protein.)

(NOTE: Because I live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the KFC Fiery Grilled Wings are slightly more expensive than most places. Their advertised price is $3.99 for five pieces. Also, check out Junk Food Betty’s review.)

Item: KFC Fiery Grilled Wings
Price: $4.99
Size: 5 pieces
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Delicious bird limbs. Spicy hot. Flavorful. Lack of sauce makes it cleaner to eat. Being able to spell Mississippi correctly. Sucking and licking sauce-covered fingers in a NSFW way.
Cons: Spiciness might be too much for some eaters. Lack of wing pieces might be a problem for some. Those who enjoy sucking and licking sauce-covered fingers will be disappointed.