Tag: McDonald’s

Okay that’s it.

I would like to dispel the following rumor: I do NOT weigh 300 pounds.

Just because I eat things like, the Burger King Angus Bacon & Cheese Steak Burger, McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts, McDonald’s Chicken Selects, and…

Holy crap. You know what, I’m amazed I don’t weigh 300 pounds.

Well at least I’ve consumed some healthy things, like POM Wonderful Mango Pomegranate. Then there was the Healthy Choice Beef Franks. Also…Um…Give me a minute…Lo-Carb Monster Energy Drink? It’s healthy right? After all it’s low carb.

Okay. Okay. I’ll admit it. There are no rumors about me weighing 300 pounds, but I have gained 10 pounds since Thanksgiving on my pale flabby body. (Wanna see pictures? Okay, maybe not.)

Well I may not weigh 300 pounds, but I’ll get a few ounces closer thanks to the McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich.

Being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, it’s very rare that I get a chance to eat a Philly Cheese Steak. However, I did have the pleasure of eating a Cheese Steak from the famous Pat’s Steaks in Philadelphia during a trip there over a decade ago.

Now let me tell you, if you’ve tasted the goodness of an authentic Philly Cheese Steak, this poor attempt by a multibillion-dollar, worldwide fast food chain will make you wonder three things:

1. Were people in Philadelphia offended by it?
2. Why can’t a company with billions of dollars do a good job of copying a Philly Cheese Steak?
3. What’s wrong with Grimace?

The McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak was so bad that I decided to write a letter to it. (Yes, I wrote a letter to a sandwich.)

Dear McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak,

You may look like a Philly Cheese Steak. You may be messy like a Philly Cheese Steak. But you sir are no Philly Cheese Steak.

Go back into the kitchen whence you came.

At least the McDonald’s French Fries are still good.

Item: McDonald’s Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich
Purchase Price: $5.79 (Value Meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: McDonald’s French Fries with the Value Meal.
Cons: Overpriced. Messy. Not even close to a real Philly Cheese Steak.

Damn, I’m such an idiot!

I knew I shouldn’t have picked the spicy buffalo sauce for the McDonald’s Chicken Selects!

I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

The voices in my head were telling me I should go for the tangy low-fat honey mustard or the creamy ranch dipping sauce, because there was no way the McDonald’s spicy buffalo sauce could even come close to the sauce Hooters uses for their spicy, hot, juicy, voluptuous boob…I mean…Buffalo wings.

Maybe it was the carbon monoxide from the beat up Volkswagon Golf in front of me in the drive-thru lane that prevented me from changing my mind. Or it could have been the thoughts of bouncing Hooters girls.

Yes, Hooters girls…Ummm…

Uh, what?

Oh!

So what makes these Chicken Selects better than the not-so-select Chicken McNuggets?

Most notable: They don’t have the embarrassing name of McNuggets.

Check this out. If you use the word “McNuggets” to replace the word “testicles” in any sentence, people will still understand the sentence.

For example: The Hamburgler was kicked in the McNuggets by Mayor McCheese, as he tried to steal hamburgers from that big fat purple blob, Grimace.

Oh yeah, I forgot: Robble! Robble!

So I was stuck with the spicy buffalo sauce, which wasn’t very good. Just like the voices in my head predicted. However, if there was something good that came out of this, it would be getting a five-piece Chicken Selects meal instead of the three-piece meal I ordered. Bonus, baby!

Two more premium-quality, 100 percent white chicken breast meat, seasoned and lightly breaded so they are crispy on the outside and juicy on the inside that I get to dip into a spicy buffalo sauce that I don’t like.

Thank goodness for universal condiment: Ketchup.

Item: McDonald’s Chicken Selects
Purchase Price: $4.39 (3 pc Value Meal)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: White chicken breast meat. Accidentally got 5 pieces. Heh, heh…McNuggets!
Cons: Spicy buffalo sauce wasn’t that good. Slightly expensive for just 3 pieces. Robble! Robble!

The best way to describe the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich is call it the result of a wild sex romp between a McChicken Sandwich and a Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Salad.

Imagine the oily and wet action with lettuce flying everywhere and sesame seed buns being slapped.

Oh yeah!

Oh wait! What were we talking about again?

Oh yes. After eating the Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich value meal, I have to say that I’m not impressed with it at all. Hence my attempt to make it seem exciting with my “What if they got it on?” introduction.

Nothing really stood out with the sandwich. The ranch sauce wasn’t anything special; I know I could buy a better tasting ranch dressing from the national grocery store chain I shop at. The lettuce was iceberg lettuce, which doesn’t have much nutritional value, but then again if you’re buying fast food, you’re probably not too worried about nutritional value.

I think my friend was right to ridicule me for breaking my no-fast-food rule by going to McDonald’s. Their menu just isn’t very exciting and the food isn’t very good.

The only things I would go to McDonald’s for are their French fries and $1 hot fudge sundaes. Mmm, $1 hot fudge sundae… Mmm…

I’ll be right back.

(15 minutes later)

Ooh, $1 hot fudge sundae.

Oh crap, I got hot fudge on my keyboard.

Dammit! They didn’t give me any napkins! Why don’t they EVER give me napkins?

Well I’m too lazy to walk to the kitchen to get a paper towel, so I guess I’m going to have to lick it off.

There, it’s gone.

Man, this review was as boring as the McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich.

Maybe I should get back to writing about the salad tossing sex romp?

Item: McDonald’s Crispy Chicken Bacon Ranch Sandwich
Purchase Price: $4.99 (value meal)
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: I got a $1 hot fudge sundae.
Cons: Nothing impressive. Uses crappy iceberg lettuce. Ranch sauce wasn’t very good.