REVIEW: Mountain Dew Dark Berry

Mountain Dew Dark Berry

The new, limited time only Mountain Dew Dark Berry is Mountain Dew with a blast of mixed berry. I think it’s fitting that this new Mountain Dew is berry flavored because berry is the fruit of justice.

Actually, I’m not 100 percent sure berry is the fruit of justice. But, when I say, “berry is the fruit of justice” in Batman’s raspy voice, it makes it sound like it is. Although, now that I think about it, if I said, “kumquats are the fruits of justice” or “cherimoya is the fruit of justice” in Batman’s voice, they also sound legit.

Actually, I don’t think there is a fruit of justice. There’s the TV show Sword of Justice, the Super Friends’ Hall of Justice, King Henry I was known as the Lion of Justice, and there’s 1990 National League Rookie of the Year David Justice, but no fruit of justice. Well, berry should be the fruit of justice because berries and justice can both end up sweet or sour.

I should let you know I wrote the previous paragraphs with Christian Bale’s Batman voice in my head. Well, I think it’s Christian Bale’s Batman voice, because I kind of forgot what it sounds like. So instead of re-watching the Christopher Nolan Batman movies, I just did a mashup with Keanu Reeves’ voice from The Matrix with Nicolas Cage’s voice from any movie he’s been in.

Mountain Dew Dark Berry, or as the lazy bottle says, Mtn Dew Dark Berry, has a dark purple color, which is fitting because purple is the color of justice.

Okay, again, I’m not 100 percent sure purple is the color of justice, but it might be because purple is the color of Daphne’s dress in Scooby Doo, and Scooby Doo is all about justice. Yes, I’m totally stretching it, but I really wish this Dew was blue in color so I could say blue is the color of justice because it’s one of the siren light colors on top of cop cars.

Mountain Dew Dark Berry has a berry aroma and flavor very similar to Mountain Dew Voltage, the raspberry citrus-flavored Dew that won the first Dewmocracy. Although, Dark Berry is supposed to be mixed berry, it tastes mostly like raspberries and at times it reminds me of a Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pop. There’s also the obligatory citrus flavor in Mountain Dew Dark Berry, but it’s subDEWed.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Mountain Dew Dark Berry Closeup

I like Mountain Dew Dark Berry because it has a pleasant, sweet berry flavor with a hint of citrus, and a decent amount of sweet, sweet caffeine (91 mg per 20-ounce bottle). But just like Batman is haunted by the images of his parents being murdered in front of him, I can’t get out of my mind that I’ve had this Mountain Dew flavor before.

(Disclosure: I received this bottle of Mountain Dew Dark Berry for free from the folks at Mountain Dew in order to review it. I should also disclose I’m Batman.)

(Nutrition Facts – 20 ounces – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 77 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mountain Dew Dark Berry
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: Received from the folks at Mountain Dew
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Nice berry flavor. Sweet, sweet caffeine. The rebooted Batman series. Louie-Bloo Raspberry Otter Pops. Reading this review out loud using Christian Bale’s Batman voice.
Cons: Tastes too much like another Mountain Dew flavor. Might be too sweet for some. Remember that time Jim Carrey was The Riddler? The Dark Knight Rises is the last Christopher Nolan Batman movie.

REVIEW: Mountain Dew 2011 Game Fuel Tropical

Mountain Dew Game Fuel Tropical

I’m so ready to get my hardcore gaming on now that I’ve completed my thumb stretching exercises and I have a bottle of the new Mountain Dew Game Fuel Tropical. The 121 milligrams of caffeine in the 20-ounce bottle is enough energy to get me through a few hours of a crazy all-night shooting and carnage marathon.

Mountain Dew brought back their Game Fuel line to help promote the upcoming game Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. But since it’s currently October and the game doesn’t come out until November, my shooting and carnage marathon consists of playing Angry Birds: Episode 6: Mine and Dine.

The caffeine surging through my body is making me so amped about doing things to wood, ice, and stone that only karate black belts do to demonstrate their skills. And, I’m ready to do things to pigs that only magicians can do — make them disappear in a puff of smoke.

I’m not sure how long it’s going to take for me to conquer every single level, but I imagine I’m going to need every single milligram of caffeine Mountain Dew Game Fuel Tropical provides because Angry Birds is a total time sink and I could easily end up playing for six hours straight and not even notice the sun went down and I skipped two meals.

But who needs meals when I have Mountain Dew Game Fuel Tropical to sustain me. The 290 calories in each 20-ounce bottle is roughly the same amount I can get with a Lean Cuisine meal, so it’s like a meal in a bottle. Sure, it’s what all nutritionists call “empty calories,” but if they’re so empty, why do they make me fat?

The soda’s green color is slightly darker than regular Mountain Dew and its color also makes it look like I can use it to clean my toilet, floors, and countertops, which I wouldn’t recommend, unless you love ants or are curious about what it feels like to be standing in a roach motel, if you use it as a floor cleaner.

The bottle says it has a “charge of tropical flavor,” which, before I drank it, hoped it didn’t mean lime, because that would be super silly since they currently have a lime-flavored Dew with their Taco Bell-exclusive Baja Blast and had a limited edition lime-flavored Dew called Distortion. Well, it turned out to be lime, but not as strong as the other two flavors I mentioned. Its lime flavor was so light that at times, while drinking it, I thought it kind of tasted like regular Mountain Dew. So it’s really not a “charge of tropical flavor,” it’s more like a light petting of tropical flavor.

Mountain Dew Game Fuel Tropical isn’t horrible, but it tastes as if not a lot of effort was put into it. If Mountain Dew put in the same amount of effort I put into completing every Angry Birds level, perhaps they would’ve come up with something better than Mountain Dew Game Fuel Tropical.

(Nutrition Facts – 20 ounces – 290 calories, 0 grams of fat, 110 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 77 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mountain Dew 2011 Game Fuel Tropical
Price: $1.50
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Not horrible. 121 milligrams of caffeine per 20-ounce bottle. Code under the bottle cap can be used to to double XP while playing Call of Duty: MW3. My mad Angry Birds skills.
Cons: Despite its color it’s not good for cleaning floors. Tastes like not a lot of effort was put into the flavor since it tastes similar to others. Doesn’t taste like it contains “a charge of tropical flavor.” Sore thumbs from mashing buttons for hours.

REVIEW: Mountain Dew DEWmocracy Flavors 2010 (White Out, Typhoon, Distortion)

I now know what it’s like being The Bachelor, thanks to this year’s Mountain Dew DEWmocracy flavors.

However, instead of having a harem of fame-seeking women to choose from and give roses to if I deem them to be beautiful or least craziest, I had to select between three caffeine-fortified and Durex condom-colored flavors — White Out, Typhoon and Distortion. Just like The Bachelor, I got to suck face with all of the contestants and put myself at risk for catching a disease. While The Bachelor had to worry about mono and herpes, I had to worry about diabetes and obesity.

If I were giving out roses, like The Bachelor does, to those flavors I would like to see added to the regular Mountain Dew lineup, I would give the first one to the tropical punch flavored Mountain Dew Typhoon. While those who live in the western part of the Pacific Ocean probably don’t like its name, I thought its pineapple and citrus flavor was the best tasting and most unique of the three DEWmocracy flavors. Although, as much as I liked it, I wasn’t completely blown away by it.

I’d give another rose to Mountain Dew Distortion, but only because it’s a tranny soda, and I’m fascinated by tranny sodas. It’s a tranny soda because it looks like regular Mountain Dew, but once it’s popped open, proof of its true self will dangle in front of your face. Distortion is a “lime blasted” Mountain Dew and not only are its looks familiar, but also its flavor. It reminded me of the Taco Bell exclusive Baja Blast Mountain Dew, which I do enjoy partaking with my Taco Bell meal that most likely contains seasoned ground beef, cheese, shredded lettuce, sour cream, and refried beans in a soft tortilla. Distortion’s lime flavor was a little bit stronger than the Baja Blast, placing it slightly into the territory of sodas that taste more like floor cleaners, but I did enjoy it.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t give a rose to every flavor. So I chose not to give one to Mountain Dew White Out, which I will call, on occasion, in this paragraph, Virgin Smirnoff Ice, because it looks like Smirnoff Ice. According to the bottle, Virgin Smirnoff Ice’s flavor is described as a “smooth citrus Dew,” which I totally agree with because it tasted like a flat Sprite with tangerine/orange undertones. It’s not an exciting flavor and if I had to compare it with a contestant from The Bachelor, it would be the flat-chested one, who can’t hold my interest for more than five minutes. Mountain Dew White Out would’ve been a lot more interesting if I could get high while huffing it.

Overall, I don’t think Distortion and Virgin Smirnoff Ice were as creative as the 2008 DEWmocracy flavors. While each of the 2008 flavors combined citrus with other fruit flavors, the 2010 versions, except Typhoon, were just different shades of citrus. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get checked for diabetes since I made out with all of the DEWmocracy contestants.

(Nutrition Facts – 20 ounces – 280 calories, 0 grams of fat, 105 milligrams of sodium, 76 grams of carbohydrates, 76 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Mountain Dew DEWmocracy Flavors 2010 (Distortion, Typhoon, White Out)
Price: $1.29 each
Size: 20 ounces
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Distortion)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Typhoon)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (White Out)
Pros: Typhoon was the best tasting and most creative flavor. Distortion reminds me of Baja Blast Mountain Dew. 91 milligrams of caffeine per 20 ounce bottle. Participating in a democratic process.
Cons: Distortion tastes like floor cleaner. White Out tastes like a flat Sprite and doesn’t get one high if huffed. More ways to consume high fructose corn syrup. The crazy contestants on The Bachelor.

REVIEW: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback

All right Pepsi, this time I’m ready for your new…I mean, retro Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback sodas. I’ve got money to buy them and space to hold them, so I’m already several steps ahead of you. I’m going to hoard those Throwback bitches like I’m stocking up my fallout shelter for the next decade after someone releases a deadly virus that turns people into mindless zombies or whatever else video game designers think the post-apocalyptic future will consist of.

I already have a lot of regret from not stocking up on Crystal Pepsi, Pepsi Summer Mix, Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Twist and Pepsi Holiday Spice, although my stomach lining probably doesn’t feel the same way. At the time, I thought they were going to be around forever, so it didn’t dawn on me that I should buy out every store within a 50 mile radius. If only I knew then what I know now, I would be sipping on a vintage bottle of Crystal Pepsi as I type this, making retro hipsters everywhere jealous, and I would be making tens of dollars selling an occasional bottle or can on eBay to some kid who saw a segment about it on VH1’s I Love The 90s.

Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback takes drinkers to a time when sodas weren’t sweetened with high fructose corn syrup (HFCS), instead they were sweetened with real, natural sugar. It was also a period when disco wasn’t annoying, Larry King had only three marriage under his belt and all it took for a woman to get a guy horny was to show one of her bra straps.

I thought using real sugar was going have the same effect a bikini has on Jessica Alba’s body — making them much sweeter. But the real sugar seems to mute the flavor of both sodas. Or maybe I’m mistaking that for the lack of bite these don’t have, but the HFCS versions do have, which for a few the bite feels somewhat like you’re a ShamWow spokesperson getting your tongue bitten by a prostitute.

Both sodas also seem to be less carbonated, which makes them easy to drink and smooth as it slides down my gullet. But perhaps it’s too smooth because I could see how some people might think they’re drinking a flat soda. At least all this smoothness and drinkability (yeah, I know it’s not a real word) makes my burps feel cleaner and less harsh.

If you were to have your own personal Pepsi Challenge blind taste test, you could definitely tell the difference between the Throwback versions and the regular versions. I could taste a difference and, despite my belief that the real sugar might be muting the flavor, I definitely prefer the Throwback versions because they have a cleaner and crisper taste than their HFCS cousins.

Unfortunately for me, the Pepsi Throwback and the Mountain Dew Throwback are only here for a limited time, so I’m going to start hoarding them in 3…2…1.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – Pepsi Throwback – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 40 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 40 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 38 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine. Mountain Dew Throwback – 170 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 44 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein and 54 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.)

(Note: BevReview gets all up in the bizness of both the Mountain Dew Throwback and Pepsi Throwback. Here’s another review of them via Pulpconnection. And here’s a review from Gigi.)

Item: Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback
Price: FREE
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Received from marketing firm
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Pepsi Throwback)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mountain Dew Throwback)
Pros: Cleaner and crisper than their HFCS cousins. Sweetened with real sugar. No HFCS. No bite. Easy to drink. Makes my burps feel less harsh. Sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Dear Lord, they have a lot of sugar. Only here for a limited time. Some people might mistake the smoothness of the sodas as being flat. I miss Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Holiday Spice. Getting your mugshot posted on The Smoking Gun. Disco.

REVIEW: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2

Pitch Black II

Over the years, there have been many movies that have been as entertaining as a monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.

But the sequels to those movies have burned me and my wallet, because they were as entertaining as watching water boil, watching grass grow, or listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.

For example, there’s Caddyshack and Caddyshack 2. Caddyshack is probably the greatest movie about golf ever, while Caddyshack 2 is probably the worst movie about golf ever.

Then there was Speed and Speed 2: Cruise Control.

How bad was Speed 2?

Let me put it this way, Speed 2 was so bad that I actually uttered the eleven words that I never thought would come out of my mouth, “I think Keanu Reeves’ crappy acting would’ve made this movie better.”

Finally, there’s Sweatin’ To The Oldies and Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2.

What was so bad about Sweatin’ To The Oldies 2?

Well, besides more songs that were made waaay before I was born, I think Richard Simmons’ shorts in the sequel were shorter than usual, and if you know how short they usually are, then you know that if they got any shorter, it wouldn’t be a pretty sight.

Because I can only take so much glittery and shimmery manliness.

So with all of these crappy experiences with sequels, I was hesitant to try the new limited edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2, which is the sequel to last year’s original Mountain Dew Pitch Black.

If you aren’t familiar with the original Mountain Dew Pitch Black, you can read the Impulsive Buy’s review of it here or if your carpal tunnel is acting up and isn’t allowing you to click anything, I’ll just tell you that it has the same caffeine goodness as regular Mountain Dew, except with a blast of grape flavor.

Also it’s not really pitch black, it’s more like goth purple.

The only difference between Pitch Black 2 and the original Pitch Black is the sour bite, which the original lacked. Personally, I kind of like it better without the bite, but Pitch Black 2 is still good.

However, just like all Mountain Dew variations, Pitch Black 2 doesn’t make me want to do anything extreme, like jump out of a plane, do a backflip on a motorcycle, or jump over the Great Wall of China with a skateboard.

Also, just like last year, Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2 will only be around for a limited time. But thank goodness it will be around longer than the number of days Baby Geniuses 2 spent in theaters.

Item: Mountain Dew Pitch Black 2
Purchase Price: $1.39 (20-ounce)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good grape taste. Same amount of caffeine as regular Mountain Dew. A monkey juggling its own poop while peddling a tricycle through hoops of fire.
Cons: Limited Edition. I prefer the original version, without the sour bite. Caddyshack 2, Speed 2, Baby Geniuses 2, and both Sweatin’ To The Oldies. Listening to Madonna speak about a noble cause.