REVIEW: Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts

Hello Kitty is a whore!

Seriously, who would allow themselves to have their likeness on every possible conceivable product.

Some of you might say, “Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, so she can’t say yes or no to what products she wants to endorse.”

My answer to that would be, “Well, Hello Kitty has a head, which she can use to nod for, “Yes, I really like the idea of a Hello Kitty sleeping bag,” or she can shake her in disagreement for, “No, I don’t want my face on a bowl of Hello Kitty dried ramen.”

Or if Hello Kitty REALLY didn’t want to have her likeness on something, she could throw her many bows at her agent or manager, which would instantly let that person know that, “NO! I don’t want my face to be on a Hello Kitty vibrator.”

But just like Kate Moss with cocaine, she just can’t say no, and that’s why I think Hello Kitty is a whore. Hello Kitty is like Martha Stewart, who has hundreds of products with her name on it. However, Hello Kitty is a hundred times worse. Martha doesn’t have a Martha Stewart MP3 player, but Hello Kitty does. Martha also doesn’t have a Martha Stewart rice cooker, but Hello Kitty does. Any Martha Stewart video games? No, but Hello Kitty has video games.

Anyway, I wrote a song about Hello Kitty’s whoreness called, “Hello Kitty is Everywhere.”


If your Hello Kitty alarm clock is annoyingly way too loud.
Put in a pair of Hello Kitty earplugs to drown out the sound.
If the earplugs don’t work, put a Hello Kitty pillow over your head.
Maybe next time you should use a Hello Kitty clock radio instead.

You can eat cereal with a Hello Kitty bowl and spoon.
While you wait for your Hello Kitty coffee maker, you watch cartoons.
Your Hello Kitty toaster has inside two slices of bread.
The butter is ready with a Hello Kitty knife to be spread.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

Watching Cartoon Network on your Hello Kitty TV/DVD combo set.
Using your Hello Kitty keyboard and mouse, while you surf the internet.
Looking for the Hilary Duff album in your 20-count Hello Kitty CD case.
You grab a Kleenex from your Hello Kitty tissue holder to wipe your face.

It’s hot, but you use your Hello Kitty electric fan to keep the heat away.
You have water with ice from your Hello Kitty shaped ice cube tray.
You call people on your Hello Kitty cell phone to find out what’s up.
Your throat is dry, so you take a drink from your Hello Kitty cup.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

You ate too much so you have to lift your Hello Kitty toilet lid.
Thank goodness you bought Hello Kitty toilet paper when you did.
Your Hello Kitty air freshener will keep things from smelling bad.
The soap from the Hello Kitty soap dispenser smells really rad.

You slip on your Hello Kitty socks, shorts, shirt, sandals, and thong.
Just incase it rains, your Hello Kitty umbrella should be taken along.
You put on your Hello Kitty sunglasses to protect yourself from UV rays.
The Hello Kitty glitter sunscreen you put on will do the same.

Hello Kitty is everywhere,
Girls think it’s pretty, but boys don’t care.
Turning products pink and cute.
Girls think it’s sweet, but makes boys puke.

It’s night time and you’re bowling and drinking Hello Kitty champagne.
Throwing gutterballs with your Hello Kitty bowling ball, you suck at this game.
By the end of the night, you’re throwing up in your Hello Kitty garbage can.
You pass out in the kitchen because you love the cold feeling of your Hello Kitty pan.

Hours later you’re in the shower behind a Hello Kitty shower curtain.
You dry yourself off with your Hello Kitty towel set, even though you’re hurtin’.
You jump into your Hello Kitty pajamas and under the Hello Kitty comforter on your bed.
Dreams of Hello Kitty circling around your soon-to-be hungover head.

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t believe that all these Hello Kitty items exist, go check out Dream Kitty and J-List.)

I personally wished that Hello Kitty threw some bows at someone when they were deciding to come out with these Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts, because there’s nothing really special about them. They were good, but they were basically regular Wild Berry Pop-Tarts, except with pink frosting and girly-girly sprinkles on top, which come in the shapes of flowers, bows, and Hello Kitty heads.

But I guess the pink frosting and girly-girly sprinkles are enough for a little girl or extremely effeminate little boy to ask you to buy a box for them. They can’t resist the cute innocent face of Hello Kitty on the box and you’ll buy a box for them because probably deep down you can’t resist Hello Kitty’s innocent face too…Or you just don’t want to deal with your kids constant nagging.

Anyway, these Pop-Tarts were as sweet as Hello Kitty herself. But then again, all Pop-Tarts are as sweet as Hello Kitty.

Item: Hello Kitty Meow-Berry Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.99 (12-pack)
Purchased at: Don Quijote
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: As sweet as Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty’s cute innocent face. It’s a 12-pack. Your little girl or extremely effeminate little boy will love you if you buy them. Perfect if you like excessive amounts of pink.
Cons: Hello Kitty has no mouth. Hello Kitty is a whore, selling her likeness to anyone who will show her the money. Nothing really special, they taste like regular Wild Berry Pop-Tarts. Your little girl or extremely effeminate little boy will hate you if you don’t buy them.

Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!

How could you be so politically incorrect, Kellogg’s? How could you call a product Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards?

You don’t see Post or General Mills pulling this kind of stuff.

Actually, it’s something I should’ve expected from you, Kellogg’s, after all you do have Honey Smacks, which has a frog that suggests I dig ’em. I don’t know about you, but a cereal that encourages me to smack some honeys sounds like a very misogynous cereal.

How can you make fun of the mentally challenged? Each day these people make contributions to society just like the rest of us. Sure, they don’t make contributions that involve feeding the hungry, offering shelter to the homeless, or whatever Angelina Jolie does in third world countries and what they do may seem very odd to the rest of us, but they are people just like you and me.

The mentally challenged fill all kind of roles in society, like crocodile hunters, reality television stars, bear wrestlers, naked beekeepers, and all D-List celebrities.

Also, there’s magician David Blaine. Actually, I didn’t want to add the “magician” to his name, because in reality he doesn’t do any amazing feats of “magic.”

All he does is spend large amounts of time in shapes, like a box suspended in air, a block of ice, and a sphere of water. Unfortunately for him, being mentally challenged doesn’t allow him to realize that there are people every day who spend hours in high-rise boxes. They’re called office cubicle workers.

Just because they play with members of the animal kingdom that could possibly kill them, eat bugs for television, do “magic” tricks, or star in movies that get shown on HBO at 2 a.m., doesn’t give you the right to call them Tards, Kellogg’s.

If there’s anything that’s reTARDed, it’s the fact that your Go-Tards can’t be toasted or put in the microwave. They look like Snickers-sized toaster pastries, so they deserved to be put in the toaster. They are filled with strawberry filling goodness and my years of eating toaster pastries has taught me that strawberry filling goodness is much better if it’s warm.

Sure I would’ve preferred to have been able to toast them, but the Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tards were decent. They were pretty moist and I think they would make for a good snack. I also think they would be ideal to use as a distraction for the mentally challenged, so that you don’t have to deal with their mentally challenge-ness.

Oh wait…It’s not Go-Tards. It’s Go-TARTS.

I’m sorry Kellogg’s.

My bad. I guess I might be mentally challenged too.


Item: Kellogg’s Frosted Strawberry Go-Tarts!
Price: $4.00 (10 per box)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Good, but not mind blowing good. Snickers-sized bars. 10 bars per box. Strawberry filling goodness. Might be useful as a distraction for mentally challenged people.
Cons: Can’t toast them. Can’t microwave them. My inability to read. Confusing Go-Tards with Go-Tarts. The misogynous cereal, Honey Smacks. David Blaine.

REVIEW: Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts

I don’t know if Kevin Federline likes Pop-Tarts, but I do know that he has a rap album coming out. If K-Fed does like Pop-Tarts and if he wrote lyrics about Pop-Tarts for his album, I think they would go something like this:

My name is K-Fed, I’m richer than you.
Although it’s Britney’s money, I can spend it too.
I buy cars, motorcycles, bling, and booze,
But I also buy Pop-Tarts, any flavor I choose.

I get them by the crate, carton, or barge container,
The ones with chocolate are much greater.
Sometimes when I really can’t decide on a flavor,
I buy every single one and save them for later.

I’ve got a dozen toasters in a row when I have a Pop-Tarts party,
When Britney is away I consume Pop-Tarts and Bacardi.
If I eat two in a row, I call it a meal that’s hearty.
If I eat more than three, the room is gonna smell a little farty.


When I eat two at a time, I hold one in each limb.
When I want more, I give one to my homie Tim.
Yeah I eat a lot of Pop-Tarts, but how do I stay so slim?
I followed the weight loss plan from that Olsen twin.

I’ll stick one in the toaster before I get ready when I’m on the run.
Because I don’t have any hygiene I’m ready before it’s done.
I’d eat a whole box of Pop-Tarts if I want to do something fun.
Cuz I don’t have chores, responsibilities, or an occupation.

Tryin’ to shove a whole Pop-Tart down your mouth is very funny.
I pay members of my entourage to do it for me with Britney’s money.
I feed Pop-Tarts to Sean Preston when he gets hungry.
But I keep them away from Britney, cuz I don’t want her chubby.

Word.

I know K-Fed’s album hasn’t, as Britney would say, “dropped” yet, but I guarantee the Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts will be one billion times better, cause less headaches, be better at getting the hotties on to the dance floor, get more respected from other rappers, and be a better father to K-Fed’s kids.

The Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts are pretty good, although I’m not sure they are as good as the Frosted Apple & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts I had growing up, which was one of my favorite flavors back in the day. For those of you who are too young to remember “back in the day,” back in the day there were only something like six Pop-Tart flavors, half of them had frosting on them. Now it’s like Baskin-Robbins ice cream, with thirty something flavors.

The Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts aren’t as sweet as I remember the Frosted Apple & Cinnamon Pop-Tarts were, but still pretty tasty nonetheless. I’ve never had an apple strudel before, or any kind of strudel for that matter, so I don’t know if it tastes like one. However, it was apple-ish and a little cinnamon-ish.

I only had one gripe with it. I wished there was more frosting on the top of it, instead of the drizzle they have. I know the drizzle makes it look strudel-ish, but having a solid, huge layer of frosting on top would make it even better. But I guess I should be happy that there is some frosting, because Pop-Tarts without frosting are very lame.

Although, frosting-less Pop-Tarts don’t even come close to being as lame as K-Fed dropping some rhymes.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy has reviewed a whole heck of a lot of Pop-Tarts over its existence. You can read previous Pop-Tarts reviews here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.)


Item: Apple Strudel Pop-Tarts
Purchased Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Purchased At: Safeway
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Good. Apple-ish and a little cinnamon-ish. Made with real fruit.
Cons: Needs more frosting on top. Not good frozen. K-Fed’s hygiene. K-Fed’s rhyming ability. K-Fed reproducing. PopoZão.

REVIEW: Cookies and Cream Pop-Tarts

Cookies and Cream Pop-Tarts

Being the number one source for quasi-product reviews, the Impulsive Buy get several hits a day from people looking for reviews of products via search engines. Recently, the top products that have brought visitors to the Impulsive Buy have been Chocolate Lucky Charms and the Motorola V180.

However, we do get the occasional visitor looking for things other than product reviews. Numerous people have visited the site looking for Terra Reid boob shots (I know Tara is spelled wrong, but that’s how they spelled it).

Another person was looking for a way to make tea from ganja, which I believe is a total waste of ganja. It’s great for brownies…not so good for tea.

Finally, we had a person looking for Kids Next Door porn. For those of you who don’t know, there’s a cartoon called Codename: Kids Next Door on the Cartoon Network. Now I don’t know if this person was looking for porn involving the characters from the cartoon, but I hope that person isn’t a teacher…or a priest…or Michael Jackson.

Despite all the reviews we’ve done, the most looked at reviews by those visitors that come by via the Google, Yahoo, MSN, and AOL search engines are Pop-Tarts reviews. Oh wait, that reminds me, there was this one person who was looking for, and I’m not making this up, doo-doo Pop-Tarts.

Anyway, here at the Impulsive Buy we’ve reviewed five flavors of Pop-Tarts and we add another today, Cookies & Creme Pop-Tarts.

One of the great things about these new flavors of Pop-Tarts is the ability to eat them, not only, toasted and straight out of the box, but you can also eat them frozen. However, I wouldn’t recommend freezing the Cookies & Cream Pop-Tarts, because for some reason they tasted kind of funny.

Now I don’t know if they tasted funny because they weren’t meant to be frozen or because of the abundance of year-old frozen fish in the Impulsive Buy freezer.

When I ate one that wasn’t frozen, I really liked them, especially when it was toasted.

Despite enjoying Cookies & Cream Pop-Tarts, they still weren’t good enough to knockoff my undisputed heavyweight champion of Pop-Tarts flavors, Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.


Item: Cookies and Cream Pop-Tarts
Purchase Price: $3.00
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Cookies & Cream. Great tasting, but still doesn’t beat out Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-Tarts.
Cons: May taste weird frozen, if you have an abundance of frozen fish in your freezer. Doo doo Pop-Tarts?

REVIEW: Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix

Sharing is one of the important lessons we all learned while growing up.

Some of us learned sharing from our parents, some of us learned it in school, some of us learned it from Sesame Street, and others learned it from passing around a bong.

Thanks to my parents, I learned sharing at a young age and throughout my life I have passed on this lesson to others.

In kindergarten, I shared my crayons.

In grade school, I shared my glue.

In middle school, I shared my toys.

In high school, I shared the answers for the multiple-choice part of a history test by pretending to scratch my back, but really showing with my fingers what the answers were.

Finally, in college, I shared my heart. Unfortunately, I never got it back and ever since then I have roamed this planet as an empty shell, not being able to feel emotions or show love.

Sharing is a wonderful thing and the Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix is a wonderful way to promote sharing. Each Snak Stix can be broken up into three parts, thanks to the perforations on the pastry.

After you break it up, you can share it with your kids, friends, or your fellow stoners, who probably have a case of the munchies.

As I have done with previous Pop-Tarts, I tried the Snak Stix both frozen and toasted. Usually, freezing the Pop-Tarts creates a nice chewy snack. However, with the Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix I ended up with something that was significantly harder than the other Pop-Tarts flavors I stuck in the freezer.

Whether frozen or toasted, the Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix was damn tasty, but it wasn’t good enough to dethrone my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor, Hot Fudge Sundae. Although, it’s definitely somewhere in my top five list of favorite Pop-Tarts flavors.

If there was a problem with the Snak Stix it would be that the box came with ONLY six Pop-Tarts. A regular box of Pop-Tarts comes with EIGHT of them.

Having two less Pop-Tarts may not seem like much, but my stoner friends tell me that when you’ve got the Mary Jane-induced munchies that difference turns out to be pretty big.

Item: Pop-Tarts Frosted Caramel Chocolate Snak Stix
Purchase Price: $1.99 (on sale)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Easy to share, if you want to, but you should. Tastes pretty good. Perfect for stoners.
Cons: Not the best Pop-Tarts to freeze. Only comes with six pastries.