REVIEW: Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla

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I think The Impulsive Buy’s number one hater is right, I need to jazz up my life. Here’s what he/she/it wrote to me:

(Editor’s Note: Yes, the hater is real and so is the letter.)

Dearest Marvo,

I just wanted to tell how much I hate you you 30 year old sits in your pajamas all day fat crusty does nothing but jackoff and eat loser please be so kind and spare the plant another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you respond to this if you have the balls

I know. I know. It’s hard to read the email he/she/it sent to me, so for those of you who don’t understand the language of retarded, let me translate it.

Dearest Marvo,

I just wanted to tell you how much I hate you. You’re a 30-year-old who sits in your pajamas all day. You’re fat, crusty, and do nothing but jackoff and eat. Loser, please be so kind and spare the planet another shitty review and go kill yourself now before we do it for you. Respond to this if you have the balls.

Despite how harsh this douche bag’s letter is, I think he/she/it makes a couple things very clear. (1) Inbreeding is bad. (2) My life is very boring and mundane and I need to “jazz” it up.

So I’ve been thinking about ways to improve my life by doing things beyond the masturbation and eating, which according to he/she/it is all I do. Actually, if I got paid to masturbate and eat all day, I would totally do it, as long as I got free Kleenex.

Anyway, the first thing I would do to possibly jazz up my life is take salsa dancing lessons, because I enjoy shaking my ass…in the mirror…by myself…to Kylie Minogue’s “Locomotion.” I would also like to take salsa dancing lessons because the instructor would have to partner me up with a woman and when the instructor does, it will be the closest I’ve been with a woman in several years.

The next thing I would do to try and jazz up my boring life is to attempt to get my name into the Guinness Book of World Records. According to my number one hater, I may already have the world record for sitting in my pajamas all day, but unfortunately there was no one here to validate that.

Instead, I think I may try to break the Guinness World Records for the number of pints of Guinness stout consumed within 10 minutes. Wouldn’t it be cool to have the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption and then gain about 20 pounds?

If I’m feeling really lazy, fat, and crusty, I could always just drink some Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla to jazz up my life. After all, it’s got the word “jazz” in its name. Much like alcohol provides me with “liquid courage,” Red Bull gives me “liquid energy,” and Astroglide allows me to have “liquid love,” I thought Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla would provide me with “liquid jazz,” but instead all I got was a good tasting diet soda and lots of gas, since I drank about a liter of it pretty quickly.

It maybe good, but it’s not as good as the Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. The cherry and vanilla flavors in the Jazz Diet Pepsi were kind of syrupy, making it a little too sweet, but they definitely covered up the usual artificial sweetener taste in most diet sodas.

Well I guess to jazz up my life all I need to do is get out more, but so does some jerkoff who takes the time to write hate emails in a retarded language to some quasi-product review blog editor.

Item: Jazz Diet Pepsi Black Cherry French Vanilla
Price: $1.59 (2-liters)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good for a diet soda. Zero calories, fat, carbs, and sugar. Getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. Free Kleenex. Getting out of the apartment. Astroglide.
Cons: A little too sweet and syrupy. TIB’s number one hater. My boring, mundane life. Writing hate mails in a retarded language. Drinking the Guinness World Record for Guinness consumption. Inbreeding.

REVIEW: IBC Root Beer (32-ounces)

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IBC Root Beer

Sometimes I like to be an old-fashioned kind of guy.

Not in the sense of opening doors for women, saying please or thank you, or offering my seat to an elderly person on the bus. In all those instances, I’m an asshole.

The old-fashioned I’m talking about is occasionally putting on my acid-washed jean shorts, Hypercolor t-shirt, a pair of British Knights shoes, and listening to C+C Music Factory on my Sony Walkman cassette player with auto-reverse, while playing Sonic the Hedgehog on a Sega Genesis.

(Editor’s Note: For the convenience of TIB’s younger readers, who weren’t born when many of these things came out, I have added Wikipedia links to explain them, except acid-washed jean shorts because there’s no Wikipedia entry for them and I’m ashamed that I actually wear acid-washed jean shorts.)

When I’m bored and lonely in my apartment, I like to get really old-fashioned and put on a pair of polyester bell bottoms, a tie-dye t-shirt, a pair of platform shoes, and an afro wig, while listening to disco music on an 8-track player.

(Editor’s Note: To TIB’s middle-aged readers: I’m not saying you’re really old in any way, shape, or form, even though I did say “really old-fashioned.” When I said “really” I really meant it in terms of prestige and not in terms of time.)

I’m just as old-fashioned as this 32-ounce bottle of IBC Root Beer in its amber-colored glass bottle, but not as dark, curvy, or satisfying. It’s old-fashioned because it’s been around since 1919 and was introduced during Prohibition.

(Editor’s Note: To TIB’s younger readers: If you’re too lazy to click the Wikipedia link above, Prohibition was a time from 1920 to 1933 when it was illegal to produce, sell, or transport alcohol in the United States, but drinking it wasn’t illegal. If any of your great, great, great grandparents are still alive, you should ask them about it.)

Anyway, I’ve been drinking so many of these 32-ounce bottles of IBC Root Beer recently that if they were actually bottles of alcoholic beer I would probably be doing some crazy, possibly illegal stuff like tipping cows, sucking on a cow’s udder, sticking my arm into a cow to help it give birth to a calf, or paying $150 for small slab of Kobe beef.

Personally, IBC Root Beer is better tasting than the highly-distributed Barq’s and A&W root beer, but I’ve also tasted better root beers than the IBC one. It’s got a nice spiciness to it, it made a great root beer float, and it comes in a big 32-ounce bottle. Of course, the big bottle means I can pour one for myself and then pour some out for my dead homies, because I’m old-fashioned like that.

Item: IBC Root Beer
Price: $1.49 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Tastes great. Big 32-ounce glass bottle. Cheap. Great for root beer floats. Darker, more curvy, and more satisfying than I am. Being an old-fashioned guy.
Cons: Not less filling. No caffeine. Drinking the entire bottle in one sitting is bad due to high sugar content. I’m as asshole. Prohibition.

REVIEW: Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream

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Dr. Pepper: How are you today, Marvo? Are you feeling okay? Because it looks like you’re getting a little chubby.

Marvo: Well…

Dr. Pepper: It looks like you’re beginning to form some man-boobies there. Let me touch them.

(Dr. Pepper touches Marvo’s man-breasts)

Dr. Pepper: Yes, you’re definitely forming some man-titties. Pretty soon you’ll need a training bra, unless you lose some weight.

Marvo: Is “man-titties” the clinical term? Anyway, I’m working on it, Dr. Pepper. But the reason why I’m here is because I need your help.

Dr. Pepper: Well, I’m a doctor, help is what I do. Let me guess. Erectile dysfunction?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Irregular bowel movements?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Sexually transmitted disease?

Marvo: No.

Dr. Pepper: Hairy palms?

Marvo: No, Dr. Pepper, I need help…

Dr. Pepper: Pull down your pants, Marvo.

Marvo: I don’t think that’s necessary, Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper: Hey, I’m the doctor here. Do you have the prefix “Dr.” in front of your name?

Marvo: No.

(Marvo pulls down his pants)

Dr. Pepper: Oh, I see what the problem is. Excessive shrinkage. No wait, it’s just really cold in here. Okay, now cough.

(Marvo coughs)

Marvo: I still think this is unnecessary.

Dr. Pepper: This is all necessary. Being unhealthy is a serious issue. Fondling your man-boobies and staring at your schlong are things all doctors do. Cough again.

(Marvo coughs again)

Marvo: Wait, is “schlong” also a clinical term? Anyway, my visit isn’t really about me, it’s about other diet sodas.

Dr. Pepper: Other diet sodas? What do you mean?

Marvo: Can I put my pants up first?

Dr. Pepper: Not yet, I have to check the other side. But explain to me your concerns about the other diet sodas.

(Marvo sighs)

Marvo: Well you know how you have Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, and the new Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream? How come all three of them taste pretty good, while almost every other diet soda tastes like ass?

Dr. Pepper: Hmm, that a good question. Speaking of ass, could you please turn around and bend over? Anyway, I don’t know why other diet sodas taste so bad. I use the same artificial sweeteners as most of them. Okay, now you may feel a little discomfort with your bunghole.

Marvo: Is “bunghole” a medical term? OOOOH!

Dr. Pepper: I don’t really SCREW with artificial sweeteners.

Marvo: OOOOH!

Dr. Pepper: I like aspartame, but I know other diet sodas have tried to RAM Splenda down peoples’ throats.

Marvo: OOOH!

Dr. Pepper: Everything looks good back here. You can put your pants back up.

(Marvo pulls up pants)

Marvo: You know what else is good? Your Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. I’m surprised that I liked it because I’m not a big fan of raspberries. I just don’t like fruits with silent letters.

Dr. Pepper: What did you like about it?

Marvo: Well there’s a nice balance between the Dr. Pepper, raspberry, and vanilla flavors. Plus, there isn’t a bad aftertaste like most other diet sodas. Although I think it’s not as good as your Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper or original Diet Dr. Pepper.

Dr. Pepper: Is there anything you didn’t like about it?

Marvo: Besides the fact that I can’t find the non-diet version of it here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? Nothing else, really.

Dr. Pepper: Well is there anything else you’d like to discuss?

Marvo: Um. I know you’re not a real doctor, much like the doctors on ER, Scrubs, Chicago Hope, Dr. Demento, and Dr. Dre, both the former N.W.A. member and the former host of YO! MTV Raps, but I was wondering if you could tell people that even though diet sodas have zero calories and no fat, drinking two liters of it every day will not help make them skinnier, nor will it help with any diet.

Dr. Pepper: I’ll see what I can do.

Marvo: Thanks, Doc.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy readers Derrick and Uncle C for suggesting Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream. Also, next time you’re in the shower, remember to check your nuts for lumps.)

Item: Diet Dr. Pepper Berries & Cream
Price: $4.00 (12-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good diet soda. Nice balance of Dr. Pepper, raspberry, and vanilla flavors. No bad aftertaste. No calories. No fat. YO! MTV Raps.
Cons: Not as good as Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and original Diet Dr. Pepper. Can’t find the non-diet version of it here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Fruits with silent letters. Getting molested by Dr. Pepper.

REVIEW: Coca-Cola Blãk

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Let me tell you, this bottle of Coca-Cola Blãk sucks.

No, no, no. Not the coffee and cola fused Coca-Cola Blãk inside, just the bottle itself sucks.

Why does it suck?

Because I can’t use it in a bar fight.

What good is a glass bottle if I can’t break it and use it as a shiv to stab some guy messing with my woman? Also, forget about christening a ship with it.

I made a little video to show you how strong these bottles are. Check out the video here.

Come on, when you got to stab someone with a broken glass bottle, it needs to shatter on the first whack on the edge of the bar, maybe two whacks at the most.

Because if it doesn’t, you’re in danger and you can expect the following things to happen to you: someone stabs you with their own broken glass bottle shiv; someone hits you from behind with a barstool; or your body gets dragged across the bar, clearing everything off of it.

Now you’re probably asking yourself, “Couldn’t he just take someone else’s bottle?” I don’t want to take someone else bottle and shatter it, just to stab someone, because that’s just plain rude, especially if they just opened it. That’s a total waste of alcohol, unless it’s a light beer, then that’s a totally different story, because they may not realize it, but I’m doing a favor for that person I took the light beer bottle from.

The reason why the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle won’t shatter is because there’s this wrapper around it, which has all the fancy graphics and the nutritional information. Coca-Cola could’ve just put a sticker with the fancy graphics on the bottle like every beer does, because beer companies know that beer bottles make great shivs.

Also, you don’t really need nutritional information, because there really isn’t much nutrition in Coca-Cola Blãk. There’s 45 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbs, 12 grams of sugar, and zero grams of protein per eight ounce bottle.

That’s another problem with the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle, it’s too damn small. I wish it came in a bigger bottle, because that means more Coca-Cola Blãk and a bigger shiv, unless it shatters and all you have left is the bottleneck, then it doesn’t really matter.

As for the Coca-Cola Blãk itself, it was surprisingly really good. When I opened the bottle there was pleasant spicy and coffee scent, which really grabbed me and punched me in the nose. If I was able to shatter the bottle and stab some guy in the face with it, he would definitely notice that pleasant spicy and coffee scent.

After drinking it, I was surprised by the fact that the coffee taste didn’t overcome the cola. After all, coffee is strong enough to overcome drug sniffing dogs when trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Also, I was surprised by the lack of the typical coffee bitterness.

Overall, Coca-Cola Blãk definitely creates a very delicious fusion of coffee and cola.

But the bottle still sucks.

(Editor’s Note: The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible if you attempt to shatter the Coca-Cola Blãk bottle and injure yourself due to the bottle shattering or any other accident. The editor of The Impulsive Buy was stupid to try to shatter a glass bottle, so please don’t be stupid.)

Item: Coca-Cola Blãk
Price: 50 cents (8-ounces) (it was definitely on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly really good. Nice fusion of coffee and cola. Nice spicy and coffee scent. Zero grams of fat. Low calorie. Glass bottles that break on the first whack.
Cons: Small 8-ounce bottle. Glass bottle won’t break, so it can’t be used as a shiv. Quasi-product review blog editors who try to shatter glass bottles. Light beer. Bar fights.

Vault

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Whenever something comes back from the dead and rises out of its grave, I usually expect flesh-eating zombies or a new Tupac Shakur album.

However, this time around what came back from the dead was a citrus soda called Surge, which now has the witness protection agency-like name of Vault. After Surge was killed off, there was a movement to bring back Surge, and Vault was the result of it.

It’s Coke’s answer to the ever popular, totally xtreme, and Yellow No. 5 containing Mountain Dew. As someone who has done the dew way too many times, I noticed that there are some minor similarities between Vault and Mountain Dew.

1. They both come in the same green that the radioactive rod shown during the opening of the Simpsons comes in.

2. They are both citrusy. Although, Vault does have a better citrus taste, which sort of reminded me of a Sprite.

That’s pretty much it for the similarities.

On the other hand, the differences between the two are pretty significant.

1. I felt Vault was easier to drink than Mountain Dew, because it doesn’t have the same bite as Mountain Dew. However, it’s not as easy to drink as Vault’s clear, caffeine-free, wussy-ass, and 7-Up wannabe cousin, Sprite.

2. Vault has more caffeine than Mountain Dew. A 12-ounce serving of Vault contains 70.5 milligrams of caffeine, while Mountain Dew has 55 milligrams per 12-ounce serving. It may not seem like much, but that difference could mean being able to stay up to watch the ENTIRE unedited Lord of the Rings trilogy or just the edited-for-TV version of the Fellowship of the Ring.

Or for those of you who want a porn reference, a can of Mountain Dew will probably get you through the Whore of the Rings I, while a can of Vault will maybe get you through Whore of the Rings I, II, III, and maybe IV and V.

So which one do I prefer? It’s hard to choose one because I really like them both. It’s sort of like choosing cute kittens at kittenwar dot com.

However, due to the bite of Mountain Dew, I would probably drink one if I needed a slap-to-the-balls-type of wake up. However, if I wanted something easier to drink and with more caffeine, I would do the Vault.

Although, I probably could get the same slap-to-the-balls feeling with the Vault, if I slapped my balls with a Vault bottle.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Alena, Rob, and Damien for suggesting Surge…Er, I mean Vault to review.)

Item: Vault
Purchase Price: 89 cents (20-ounce)
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Easier to drink than Mountain Dew. Good citrus taste. 70.5 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine in every 12-ounce serving. New Tupac albums after his death. Kittenwar.com
Cons: Its green color reminds me of the radioactive rod shown during the Simpsons intro. A slap to the balls. Flesh-eating zombies.

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