REVIEW: Star Wars Space Punch

Star Wars Space Punch

Star Wars is one of the highest grossing and beloved film franchises of all time. While the actual movies are the biggest draw for most fans, the amount of merchandise and branded junk food that have come from the series is unreal.

Star Wars collaborated hard with the fast food industry, creating toys and limited items with Burger King, McDonald’s, KFC, and Taco Bell. They’ve had their own boxes and shapes of Cheez-Its, Pop Chips, and Doritos. They’ve even made their own breakfast cereal and chocolates, and now, ahead of the release of The Last Jedi, they wanna quench your thirst too.

When I stumbled across Space Punch in the grocery store, I was shocked it wasn’t an energy drink. The shape, style, and placement of the cans immediately screamed Red Bull. But upon closer inspection they proudly sport “caffeine free” above the nutritional information, and low sugar to boot.

Star Wars Space Punch 2

The punch comes in twenty different character-specific cans, and choosing one is a feat. Channeling my inner-assassin I had to go with Boba Fett, even though the golden C-3PO looked real fresh.

Rather than get you artificially boosted and bouncin’ off the walls like Yoda in a deep training session, Space Punch aims to nourish you from within with a sparkling mix of vitamins and hydration to achieve ultimate Jedi zen.

So what the hell does punch in space taste like? According to the ingredients, it should taste like blackberry, blueberry, carrot, grapefruit, orange, pear, and raspberry. Wow. That is quite the combo – my brain is spinning and about to explode like the Death Star on a bad day.

Star Wars Space Punch 3

As much as I love the juice concentrates listed, I’m not a big fan of this drink. It has nice light effervescence to it, reminiscent of many energy drinks, but the taste is artificially sweet and akin to liquefied chewable vitamins. The aroma even makes me wonder if I’ve stuck my nose straight into a bottle of Flintstones’ finest.

The blackberry and raspberry notes are surprisingly more dominant than the citrus. But the most prominent taste is that of the primary sweeteners erythritol and stevia. There’s a sharp and unpleasant fake aftertaste that washes out any of the more subtle and nuanced clean flavors of the actual fruit juice, and the blending of the two is not something I want to drink more of.

For what it lacks in taste, it doesn’t deliver that much of a vitamin boost either. It has 40-50 percent of your daily recommended Vitamin B6 and B12, and that’s pretty much it. While it’s a fun idea for collectors and might be appealing to people who enjoy Vitamin Water Zero, I would much rather pop a vitamin with a glass of water, and leave this to fizzle out in a galaxy far, far away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 20 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 12 oz. can
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Awesome collectible cans. Nice tight bubbles.
Cons: Strong fake sugar flavor. Not much vitamin boost. No caffeine. Does not turn you into a Jedi.

60 SECOND REVIEW: General Mills Star Wars Cereal (2015)

Item: General Mills Star Wars Cereal (2015)
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 10.5 oz. box
Purchased at: Target

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup cereal only – 110 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 14 grams of other carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein.)

REVIEW: Star Wars Twisted Cheetos

Star Wars Twisted Cheetos

I’m disappointed with these Star Wars Twisted Cheetos.

Not because of the taste, because they taste great just like regular Cheetos. Also, not because they make my fingers a cheesy mess, because I like to clean my fingers by sucking on them after eating Cheetos.

I’m disappointed because I was hoping the Star Wars Twisted Cheetos would tell me that I belong on the Dark Side of the Force. Instead they told me I’m on the good side of the Force.

So how did the Star Wars Twisted Cheetos tell me I belong on the good side of the Force?

When you eat a bag of Star Wars Twisted Cheetos, which look like normal Cheetos, they will either turn your tongue Yoda Green (good side) or Darth Vader Dark (Dark Side). I bought two bags of it and both of them turned my tongue green, meaning I’m a good guy.

Some of you maybe thinking that this is a good thing, but I REALLY wanted to be on the Dark Side of the Force, because women love bad boys.

Look at Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe. Both bad boys and both loved by women all over the world.

So I guess it’s true that nice guys do finish last. Well I’m tired of being a nice guy and I’ve decided to be a bad boy so I can get all the women to like me.

First, I’m going to get myself a tattoo and get a couple body parts pierced. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo of a dragon on my back and a Prince Albert (Warning: Link not safe for work.) because those things would really make me a bad boy.

Then I’m going to get me a motorcycle, because women love bad boys on motorcycles, no matter how ugly the guy is. Either a nice Harley-Davidson or maybe a street bike. Also, I’m not going to buy a helmet, because I’m a bad boy and I live my life on the edge, baby!

Ooh, I also have to get drunk at a bar, get into a fight, and get arrested by the police. When they arrest me, I have to be dragged because a bad boy would disrespect authority. If the cops beat me, I’ll just tell them, “Naw, that didn’t hurt. Do it again!” That’s what a bad boy would say.

Oh wait. I forgot.

I can’t get a tattoo or a body piercing because I HATE needles and I have a very low threshold for pain. I can’t get a motorcycle because apparently they don’t come with training wheels. I can’t get drunk because I’m usually the designated driver. I can’t get into a fight because I’m such a wuss that I’ll probably get knocked out by a midget.

I wonder what else I could do to be a bad boy?

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to MSNBC blogger and occasional Impulsive Buy reader Gael Cooper for introducing me to Star Wars Twisted Cheetos.)
Item: Star Wars Twisted Cheetos
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delicious just like Cheetos. Licking my cheesy fingers. Makes your tongue temporarily change color.
Cons: I don’t belong to the Dark Side of the Force. I’ll never become a bad boy. The pain from a Prince Albert.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Star Wars Cereal

Star Wars Cereal

With Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith opening tomorrow, The Impulsive Buy decided to review a product that promotes Star Wars. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. Products that promote Star Wars? If there’s one movie that doesn’t need promotional products it’s Star Wars.

Star Wars needs promotion like we need another movie with Paris Hilton. Both are very unnecessary.

Anyway, there are literally hundreds of Star Wars-related products available and deciding which one to review was a hard choice. However, I decided to review Star Wars Cereal because there are marshmallows in it. Yahtzee!

The Impulsive Buy was fortunate to interview Jedi Master Yoda for this review, who just so happened to be on the front of the Star Wars Cereal box I bought.

TIB: Yoda, thank you for agreeing to do this interview.

Yoda: Conan O’Brien you are not.

TIB: Sorry, I’m not.

Yoda: Interviews, doing too many I am. Keeping track I cannot. Fire agent I will.

TIB: Anyway, so how does it feel to have your face on a box of Star Wars cereal?

Yoda: Many things my face is on. Cereal box, potato chips, pencils, candy, endless the list is. Prostituted me Lucas has. On the back of adult diapers, if my face appeared, surprised I would not be.

TIB: You also have a marshmallow in the Star Wars Cereal. Isn’t that pretty cool?

Yoda: Seen the Yoda marshmallow have you? Look like me it does not. Blind Kellogg’s must be. Also, Darth Vader marshmallow, blue it is. Even with eyes over 900 years old, the color of Darth Vader I can see.

TIB: I’ve tried the cereal and I thought it tasted pretty good, like Lucky Charms. Did you try it and what did you think of it?

Yoda: Yes, years ago cereal I have tried. Like it I did.

TIB: Years ago?

Yoda: With lightsaber fight scene with Count Dooku in Attack of the Clones help me it did. Without sugar in cereal, bounce off walls and spin around I could not. To get me hyper, in this small body, not much sugar it takes.

TIB: So the Star Wars Cereal is a limited edition cereal. Can you use your Jedi powers to determine if it will be worth anything in the future?

Yoda: On eBay you wish to sell?

TIB: Yes.

Yoda: Jedi powers for profit? Use I will not. But Britney’s first child, typical trailer trash it will become.

TIB: It doesn’t take the Force to figure that out, Yoda.

Yoda: Hmm…True that is.

TIB: Now on the back of the cereal box, puzzles there are. Dammit, Yoda! Talking like you, I am!

Yoda: No, Jedi mind trick that was. No Jedi powers for profit, but Jedi powers for entertainment, another story that is.

TIB: Well I know you’re busy, so here’s my last question. The last two Star Wars movies weren’t very good. Is the last movie any good?

Yoda: Last two movies, my fault it was not. Puppet I am. Act better than Hayden Christensen in first two movies I did. Besides, watch it you will anyway, because last Star Wars movie it is.

TIB: True. Well Yoda, I’d like to thank you for taking the time to visit with us.

Yoda: Welcome, you are.

Item: Star Wars Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.97
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasted like Lucky Charms. Puzzles on the back of box were easy. Limited edition cereal. It may be worth more than retail price someday.
Cons: Yoda and Darth Vader marshmallows don’t look like them. Hayden Christensen’s acting in the first two Star Wars prequels. Revenge of the Sith is the last Star Wars movie.