REVIEW: Star Wars Space Punch

Star Wars Space Punch

Star Wars is one of the highest grossing and beloved film franchises of all time. While the actual movies are the biggest draw for most fans, the amount of merchandise and branded junk food that have come from the series is unreal.

Star Wars collaborated hard with the fast food industry, creating toys and limited items with Burger King, McDonald’s, KFC, and Taco Bell. They’ve had their own boxes and shapes of Cheez-Its, Pop Chips, and Doritos. They’ve even made their own breakfast cereal and chocolates, and now, ahead of the release of The Last Jedi, they wanna quench your thirst too.

When I stumbled across Space Punch in the grocery store, I was shocked it wasn’t an energy drink. The shape, style, and placement of the cans immediately screamed Red Bull. But upon closer inspection they proudly sport “caffeine free” above the nutritional information, and low sugar to boot.

Star Wars Space Punch 2

The punch comes in twenty different character-specific cans, and choosing one is a feat. Channeling my inner-assassin I had to go with Boba Fett, even though the golden C-3PO looked real fresh.

Rather than get you artificially boosted and bouncin’ off the walls like Yoda in a deep training session, Space Punch aims to nourish you from within with a sparkling mix of vitamins and hydration to achieve ultimate Jedi zen.

So what the hell does punch in space taste like? According to the ingredients, it should taste like blackberry, blueberry, carrot, grapefruit, orange, pear, and raspberry. Wow. That is quite the combo – my brain is spinning and about to explode like the Death Star on a bad day.

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As much as I love the juice concentrates listed, I’m not a big fan of this drink. It has nice light effervescence to it, reminiscent of many energy drinks, but the taste is artificially sweet and akin to liquefied chewable vitamins. The aroma even makes me wonder if I’ve stuck my nose straight into a bottle of Flintstones’ finest.

The blackberry and raspberry notes are surprisingly more dominant than the citrus. But the most prominent taste is that of the primary sweeteners erythritol and stevia. There’s a sharp and unpleasant fake aftertaste that washes out any of the more subtle and nuanced clean flavors of the actual fruit juice, and the blending of the two is not something I want to drink more of.

For what it lacks in taste, it doesn’t deliver that much of a vitamin boost either. It has 40-50 percent of your daily recommended Vitamin B6 and B12, and that’s pretty much it. While it’s a fun idea for collectors and might be appealing to people who enjoy Vitamin Water Zero, I would much rather pop a vitamin with a glass of water, and leave this to fizzle out in a galaxy far, far away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 20 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 16 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 12 oz. can
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Awesome collectible cans. Nice tight bubbles.
Cons: Strong fake sugar flavor. Not much vitamin boost. No caffeine. Does not turn you into a Jedi.

REVIEW: Star Wars Twisted Cheetos

Star Wars Twisted Cheetos

I’m disappointed with these Star Wars Twisted Cheetos.

Not because of the taste, because they taste great just like regular Cheetos. Also, not because they make my fingers a cheesy mess, because I like to clean my fingers by sucking on them after eating Cheetos.

I’m disappointed because I was hoping the Star Wars Twisted Cheetos would tell me that I belong on the Dark Side of the Force. Instead they told me I’m on the good side of the Force.

So how did the Star Wars Twisted Cheetos tell me I belong on the good side of the Force?

When you eat a bag of Star Wars Twisted Cheetos, which look like normal Cheetos, they will either turn your tongue Yoda Green (good side) or Darth Vader Dark (Dark Side). I bought two bags of it and both of them turned my tongue green, meaning I’m a good guy.

Some of you maybe thinking that this is a good thing, but I REALLY wanted to be on the Dark Side of the Force, because women love bad boys.

Look at Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe. Both bad boys and both loved by women all over the world.

So I guess it’s true that nice guys do finish last. Well I’m tired of being a nice guy and I’ve decided to be a bad boy so I can get all the women to like me.

First, I’m going to get myself a tattoo and get a couple body parts pierced. Maybe I’ll get a tattoo of a dragon on my back and a Prince Albert (Warning: Link not safe for work.) because those things would really make me a bad boy.

Then I’m going to get me a motorcycle, because women love bad boys on motorcycles, no matter how ugly the guy is. Either a nice Harley-Davidson or maybe a street bike. Also, I’m not going to buy a helmet, because I’m a bad boy and I live my life on the edge, baby!

Ooh, I also have to get drunk at a bar, get into a fight, and get arrested by the police. When they arrest me, I have to be dragged because a bad boy would disrespect authority. If the cops beat me, I’ll just tell them, “Naw, that didn’t hurt. Do it again!” That’s what a bad boy would say.

Oh wait. I forgot.

I can’t get a tattoo or a body piercing because I HATE needles and I have a very low threshold for pain. I can’t get a motorcycle because apparently they don’t come with training wheels. I can’t get drunk because I’m usually the designated driver. I can’t get into a fight because I’m such a wuss that I’ll probably get knocked out by a midget.

I wonder what else I could do to be a bad boy?

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to MSNBC blogger and occasional Impulsive Buy reader Gael Cooper for introducing me to Star Wars Twisted Cheetos.)
Item: Star Wars Twisted Cheetos
Purchase Price: 99 cents
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Delicious just like Cheetos. Licking my cheesy fingers. Makes your tongue temporarily change color.
Cons: I don’t belong to the Dark Side of the Force. I’ll never become a bad boy. The pain from a Prince Albert.