(Editor’s Note: The Squeeze Between the Cheese ended up in a draw, so I’ve decided to review BOTH products. So today I’ll be reviewing the Borden Kid Builder Cheese and later this week I’ll be reviewing the Campbell’s Carb Request soup. Enjoy.)
I donâ€™t know exactly how these Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles are able to build kids, but I have three theories.
(1) Since each slice of Borden Kid Builder cheese has calcium and six vitamins and minerals (Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Vitamin D, Vitamin E, Vitamin B6, and Zinc ) theyâ€™re able to give your already born kids what they need to become healthy.
It helps them grow (or build) into video-game playing, cell-phone owning, MTV-watching spoiled little brats that you want to smack a few times, but you canâ€™t because youâ€™re afraid they might call the child abuse hotline on you.
(2) With each slice of cheese you can build your own kids, sort of like paper dolls, to see if youâ€™re fit to become a parent. You can make them as big or as small as you want. Unfortunately, they arenâ€™t real, so you canâ€™t make them do chores like real kids, but then again, you also donâ€™t have to give them an allowance.
If your cheese kids do chores and you do give them an allowance, you most likely arenâ€™t fit to be a parent because youâ€™re probably hallucinating from the crack youâ€™re smoking.
(3) The Borden Kid Builder cheese could be eaten by adults to enhance human sperm and eggs, so that when your kid is born, theyâ€™ll be a lot healthier. I read somewhere that male pornstars drink milk to add some substance to their loads when they blow it.
What does that have to do with enhancing sperm and eggs? Nothing, just a trivial nugget I have stuck in my head that I thought I would never find a use for, but I guess I was wrong.
Unfortunately, I couldnâ€™t test two of these theories because: (1) I donâ€™t have kids I can feed them to. (2) Iâ€™m not willing to impregnate a woman and have a kid. Heck, I canâ€™t even take care of myself, so how can I take care of a kid. Besides, I donâ€™t know of a woman who would be willing to have my children.
Well if I could get my hands on some kids, I donâ€™t know if they would be willing to eat these Kid Builder American Cheese slices, because they tasted kind of funny compared with other American cheeses Iâ€™ve had. It sort of tasted like I forgot to take the plastic wrapper off the cheese before I consumed it.
It didnâ€™t even pass the brand spankinâ€™ new Impulsive Buy ultimate cheese test, the Grilled Cheese Sandwich Test. It melted nicely like other American cheese slices, but the cheese still tasted as plastic as an anatomically correct Barbie Doll.
Please donâ€™t ask me how I know what an anatomically correct Barbie Doll tastes like.
You donâ€™t want to know.
I donâ€™t know if it was the six vitamins and minerals that added the weird taste of the cheese, but if it did, Iâ€™d suggest trying to build a kid in another way, instead of with these Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles.
Item: Borden Kid Builder American Cheese Singles
Purchase Price: $4.99
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Calcium and six vitamins and minerals. Orange-colored. Individually wrapped slices.
Cons: Tastes weird for an American cheese. Didnâ€™t pass the brand spankinâ€™ new Grilled Cheese Sandwich Test. Unsure of how it helps build kids.