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X-It Strong Mints with Guarana
By Marvo | June 23, 2005
(Editor’s Note: It’s Day Four of Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy and today I’ll be focusing my attention on energy breath mints. Yes, energy breath mints, which look like smaller Vivarin, except without near illegal amounts of caffeine, withdrawals, and trembling of hands. Enjoy.)
Hey baby doll! How ya doin’?
Yo girl, why you backin’ up? I knows I’m smellin’ good cuz I gots my Tag Body Spray on. I put a spray here. Bam. Put a spray there. Bam. Put a spray down there. Bam. I knows you wanna jump me, like in the commercials. Don’t be shy.
Poser? So that’s how it is now, I’m a poser. Well I’m a poser that can rock your world.
Why you backin’ up some more, baby? I knows my breath don’t smell cuz I gots these X-It Strong Mints in my mouth. They’re powerful mints so they’re gonna make my mouth so minty fresh that you’re gonna wanna faint and let me give you some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Let me pop a few more mints in my mouth right now, cuz I gots wine cooler breath.
So whut if I likes wine coolers? They’re fruity and easy to drink, girl!
An’ you know whut? These mints gots guarana in them to help give me energy, just in case I gots to do it ALL NIGHT. Yeah, you know whut I’m sayin’.
Of course, one tiny mint ain’t gonna do it for this prize of a man. Maybe if I take five or ten mints and I’ll have enough energy to rock your world all night and all day, baby!
Whut you talkin’, girl? I don’t needs to take no Enzyte wit these mints. It’s just that my leather pants are too tight and it’s squashing my huge Johnson.
Another thang about these mints are that they’re sugarfree, so I don’t gots worry about messin’ up my pearly white grill wit cavities.
Yo, why you trippin’ on my braces? They’re comin’ out in a few weeks.
Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should be hangin’ wit you, girl. Cuz you’re sugar sweet, baby! But on second thought, I wouldn’t mind gettin’ a few cavities cuz of you.
Try some of these mints, baby! If you like it, maybe later you can pop more in your mouth and then give some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to my friend Mr. Happy, cuz he’s getting squashed in my leather pants.
SLAP!!!
Aw girl, why’d you slap me for?
Where you goin’?
Damn!
Item: X-It Strong Mints with Guarana
Purchase Price: $1.99
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Strong mints. Clears nasal passages. Sugarfree. Guarana. Freshens breath.
Cons: Takes many mints for the guarana to have an effect. My ability to talk to women. Tight leather pants.
Topics: Personal |
Related Reviews:
High Intensity Monster Mints
Oral Fixation Mints Variety 6-Pack
Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints
Girl Scouts Thin Mints
York Mints
June 23rd, 2005 at 12:25 am
you poor lonely guy
June 23rd, 2005 at 1:09 am
I don’t know what guarana is and I don’t want it anywhere near my mouth. I’d take them to work, though, and offer them to coworkers.
June 23rd, 2005 at 1:28 am
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guarana
June 23rd, 2005 at 1:33 am
hahaha! this was very fun. :p i’d be cracking up but dont want to get caught surfing at work. *shhhh. keep my secret safe*
June 23rd, 2005 at 2:18 am
Marvo, you’d better just tone it down or I’m gonna haveta propose to you again. Damn.
June 23rd, 2005 at 3:15 am
“Guarana” sounds awfully close to “bat poo”.
June 23rd, 2005 at 3:18 am
It’s eyes gave birth to this plant????? EWWWW!!!!!
Mervo- you have some mad skills!
June 23rd, 2005 at 4:32 am
squished up johnson in leather pants…ya know it’s gotta be gettin’ hot down thur
what woman could resist such an eloquent rap comin’ from a guy with too-tight leather pants, minty fresh breath, and a mouthful of metal and pills for energy?
June 23rd, 2005 at 4:42 am
Wow. That was great. You should try one side bigger in the leather pants so your johnson won’t be smashed. I would summit a comment in the same tone you and some of the others can use but I am just a white girl from the suburbs and I have NO skills!! Great review today.
June 23rd, 2005 at 5:25 am
I refuse to comment about the leather pants.
I will say, though, that in Brazil, they make a soda pop out of guarana. It’s delicious, and almost impossible to find here in the USA. In fact, it’s so common there, that many people use the term Guarana to refer to any soda pop of any flavor, kind of like how we often say Coke to apply to any soda here.
OK, my comment wasn’t funny at all, but it was informative. So that’s gotta count for something. Pass the mints.
June 23rd, 2005 at 6:06 am
Leather pants? I feel like those would become uncomfortable rather quickly in Hawaii’s climate. You could always just try a leather thong next time.
June 23rd, 2005 at 8:01 am
I feel like I’ve met this side of Marvo in real life.
“Why ain’t you smilin, baby! I know I’m lookin’ good!”
*shudder*
June 23rd, 2005 at 10:22 am
graceless - Poor. Yes. Lonely. Yes. Guy. Yes.
nat - Why? Do your coworkers’ breaths smell?
DucatiBandit - Thanks for the link.
Megan - Okay….LOOK WHAT MEGAN IS DOING!!! SHE’S SURFING THE WEB AT WORK!!! Do you think your coworkers heard me?
Mir - When you propose to me, just make sure that rock on my ring is huge. I needs some bling, yo!
Jessica - It also sounds awfully close to a nation in West Africa, which was formerly called the Gold Coast, and was the first country in colonial Africa to gain its independence in 1957.
June 23rd, 2005 at 10:31 am
Amy in GA - I gots mad writing skillz, but wit everything else, I gots no skillz.
celebrate woo-woo - Did I mention my fake Rolex watch?
Becky - But if I put on a bigger pair of leather pants, I can’t show off my flat ass.
Bottom Feeder - Come on, I know you want to comment on the leather pants. Something like, “Wow, you eat cows AND you wear cows.”
Chuck - Shhh. That’s for a future review. Although a leather thong doesn’t sound comfortable. Maybe I’ll just wear chaps.
KT - Yeah, baby! I knows you thinks I’m hott. Why you starin’ at my chest? You likes my hairy chest don’cha? It makes me an animal. Growl!
June 23rd, 2005 at 2:00 pm
so why don’t you have a girlfriend again?
June 23rd, 2005 at 2:24 pm
lakitu - I ask myself that question every day and I still don’t know the answer to it. Then I cry.
June 23rd, 2005 at 2:56 pm
Very Interesting Review.
June 23rd, 2005 at 3:15 pm
So sad, yet so funny.
June 23rd, 2005 at 4:47 pm
Damon - I think it made up for yesterday’s review.
akiko - Yes, very sad. I’m going to cry now.
June 23rd, 2005 at 5:19 pm
How big is the tin? Altoids tins don’t seem to hold up well to the rigors of using one as a stove while camping. If this is similar sized, I might be interested. It appears to be more substantial.
Or is that just appearances?
June 23rd, 2005 at 5:26 pm
theinfamousj - The tin is significantly smaller than an altoids tin. It’s 2.25 inches wide and 1.75 inches long. Plus if you open it up, there’s a plastic lid with a spout. Definitely not good as a stove for camping. However, it would be a good place to put cocaine. Just sniff it through the spout.
June 24th, 2005 at 3:07 am
excuse me Marvo may we have our pants back now
thank you
June 24th, 2005 at 3:09 am
Damn fine review you posted here any funnier I might have wet myself
June 24th, 2005 at 3:25 am
WOW CHECK IT OUT!
June 24th, 2005 at 6:47 am
Kent, if you can’t tell it may be time to go here.
June 24th, 2005 at 10:49 am
The 70’s - Do you want them cleaned? Because I went commando in them.
Kent - Thanks, but don’t wet yourself. Especially if you’re wearing leather pants.
bill - WOW, I CHECKED IT OUT! IT WAS SO AWESOME! IT WAS LIKE SOMEONE DISCOVERED A WAY TO BOTTLE CLAY AIKEN, GRASS GROWING, AND PAINT DRYING ALL TOGETHER TO FORM THE MOST BORING COMMENT SPAM LINK EVER. NO POKER? NO BOOBIES? SOFTIES!
tim otero - Or Kent might want to consider using the restroom before reading, but then again one out of fifty review are funny, so wetting himself might be a rare occurrence.
June 24th, 2005 at 10:52 am
Marvo,
I truly appreciate you “droppin’ some knowledge” on me in your previous post. See, I have this friend, we’ll call him V., and he’s originally from S. Africa and currently in a local band, in the city in which I live (Continental USofA), called…. brace yourself…. “The Gold Coast” (that’s the band name — my apologies for my repeated digressions — is that a word?). I, of course, had never made the connection and as I was too star struck to ever ask him the meaning of his band name, I lived in ignorance. Until today. I’m itching to impress.
June 24th, 2005 at 12:08 pm
Yes you are right so I guess you have to take the good with the bad!
June 24th, 2005 at 1:29 pm
Jessica - Wow, it’s like The Impulsive Buy is an encyclopedia set, except not as knowledgeable, but just as heavy.
Becky - Plus, with bigger leather pants, I would need a belt, because with my flat ass, the pants would just slide off.
June 25th, 2005 at 5:27 pm
Wow, I gotta say you just keep on delivering the goods. Another awesome post. Sooner later I’ll get around to writing a review about your site on Jessica Simpson’s Favorite Blog. Until then keep up the good work.
Ps. I’d love to see a review of Montana Bananas
June 25th, 2005 at 10:44 pm
Vn - Thanks for the compliment. BTW, what are Montana Bananas?
June 26th, 2005 at 1:32 pm
hahahahha
June 27th, 2005 at 12:33 am
thayer - Thanks.
June 27th, 2005 at 12:15 pm
Hey, the leather pants squish your Johnson too?
June 27th, 2005 at 3:58 pm
Ken - Don’t you hate it when that happens?