The Special K Diet

I don’t know how many of you remember the Total Cereal commercial, where the announcer says something like, “It would take 28 bowls of Special K to equal the vitamins and minerals of one bowl of Total.”

Well you know what Mr. Announcer, I don’t need your stinkin’ one bowl of Total Cereal, because I just ate 28 bowls of Special K. How you like me now, beeyatch?

Thanks to those 28 bowls I ate during the Special K Diet, I’m now four pounds lighter, sexier, and I think my man boobs just dropped a cup size. I now can confidently run in “Baywatch slow motion” across a beach and I won’t jiggle…as much.

For those of you who don’t know what the Special K Diet is, it involves eating a bowl of Special K for two meals and a sensible third meal, every day for two weeks. You are allowed to snack on fruit and vegetables in between meals. After those two weeks, you should be about six pounds lighter or drop one pants size.

Although, I really didn’t care about dropping one pants size, since all my pants have either elastic or adjustable waistbands

I think this weight loss will change my life and I’ll be able to do things I could never do when I was four pounds heavier.

I feel like I can jump higher and dunk a basketball…On one of those Nerf basketball rims you stick on top of your door.

I feel like I can talk to any woman…Over instant messaging using the screen name “sxybod” and a fake picture for my icon. (I know. “Sxybod” is probably taken already.)

I feel like I can do a marathon…That involves watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy on my recliner, while eating potato chips and ice cream.

I feel like I can go to every store, purchase every box of Special K on the shelf, put those boxes in a huge pile, douse the pile in cheap alcohol, and light the sucker on fire, like I’m Guy Montag from the book Fahrenheit 451, because I’m frickin’ sick of Special K.

(Holy crap! What’s with the literary reference? I frickin’ feel like Dennis Miller.)

I now hate Special K more than car alarms that go off for more than 30 minutes and grandma underwear.

At first, I thought it wasn’t going to be so bad, because I was going to rotate between regular Special K and Special K Red Berries. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Special K Red Berries really suck because the red berries soak up milk faster than Tara Reid soaks up alcohol.

After the third day, eating the Special K got really old and I decided to enhance the cereal with chocolate and strawberry milk. That helped me get through the two weeks and the two 18-ounce boxes of Special K.

However, the changes in milk couldn’t help with satisfying my hunger in between meals and my addiction to recording Rachael Ray’s cooking show 30 Minutes Meals, burning each episode to DVD, and cataloging them by the color of the shirt she’s wearing on the show.

Now that I accomplished the Special K Diet and lost weight, I think I should celebrate by eating either a Carl’s Jr. One Pound Double Six Dollar Burger or the Burger King Triple Whopper.


Item: The Special K Diet
Purchase Price: FREE (Boxes of Special K not included)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Lost weight. Adding chocolate or strawberry milk helped me tolerate the bowls of Special K. My rare literary reference.
Cons: I am soooo sick of Special K. Special K Red Berries suck. Was hungry between meals. Grandma underwear.

26 thoughts on “The Special K Diet

  1. I like Special K, but I eat it at lightning speed, so it has no chance to get soggy!

    Did your man boobs drop a size or not? Just use that Jergen’s Natural Glow on them, and they’ll be sexier! ;)

  2. Um, Rachael would say to fix yourself something delicious at home in under half an hour, to celebrate. And then she’ll make orgasm-face when she tastes it, which seems like it would probably be a better reward for a guy than just rolling through the drive-through….

  3. And how are you doing on the inch-pinch test?

    Either way, good job on the weight loss. Peeping into your window every evening I can say you’ve been lookin’ good. I say you deserve a box of White Castles as a reward.

  4. Sounds like a lot of work for what’s supposed to be an “easy” diet, Marvo. But hey, at least you got some results! I was on the “daily cheeseburgr and Mexican food” diet while at my Mom’s house on a recent trip, and as you might expect, I had the OPPOSITE of a weight loss happen…guess it’s back to the gym this week for me.

  5. I love cereal but a diet that requires eating Special K for breakfast and lunch seems a bit much. I am impressed, however, that you still lost weight even though you spruced it up with chocolate. You should have just skipped the cereal and had the chocolate. And what’s with your Special K fixation lately? Are they paying you to review them?

  6. What kind of sensible third meals did you eat? I prefer Rachael’s shows where she travels ($40 a day, Tasty Travels) rather than just stays in the kitchen. Have you ever tried to cook a 30-minute meal in real-time with her? You have to go to the website to find what she’s cooking on the next episode so you have all the ingredients and materials with you. Though if you have them burned to DVD, you can cook at your leisure.

  7. I wonder if you lose weight because of magical special K properties or just because if you’re eating anything for 2 weeks straight, you’ll end up eating less of it over time. Kind of like the college dining hall syndrome, which I’m currently experiencing. Sure, it seems fine at first, but the more often you go back, the less you end up eating.

    Oh, and Rachel Ray’s cute but her voice and Baaston accent drive me nuts.

  8. sxyguy says:

    Hi again, sxybod.

    How you doin’? *insert Matt LeBlanc’s voice*

    *wink*

    sxygirl says:

    No he’s mine. How you doin’? *insert Jessica Alba’s voice*

    *wink*

    then you wake up and confirm…nothing special about Special K cereal.

  9. You know, after 3 days of the Special K Diet, I gave up and never ate Special K again…so Kudos to you! ;)

    Oh, and Genny from the Burbs — it’s about calorie control. By substituting Special K with milk for meals, you’re probably doing some serious calorie counting.

    It’s the same thing with the old SlimFast where you drank 2 shakes a day and had one “healthy” meal.

  10. Hey seriously-did you lose some man boobs? Cause I have serious case of a full A cup and would love to get rid of them…I ‘d pretty much eat tonenail lint with a chaser of breast milk if I lost my man boobs. Shit it beats having to diet and excercise…

  11. Elastic-waisted pants are hot, Marvo.

    Really REALLY hot.

    Especially when you have them pulled up past your elbows… *rawr!!*

    I’m on a fried-okra and lots-of-vegan-burritos diet, and my pants are all mysteriously big. I haven’t lost weight, but I’m smaller all around. IT’S NUTS! Maybe try that?

  12. N. Mallory- I wasn’t doubting the calorie control angle, I’m just saying, by the end of two weeks my “two bowls” would be the two spoonfuls I could choke down before the nausea hit. But then, I also couldn’t stay off the doritos for 2 weeks, so it’s really a moot point in my case either way.

  13. Nice book reference. Also, thanks for linking to my blog — should get a lot of readers.

    Oh, and, any cereal without sugar (that isn’t Rice Krispies or Grape Nuts, even without sugar, Rice Krispies kick ass, and Grape Nut O’s are awesome) sucks. Seriously. Let’s anylyze:

    1. Corn Flakes: soggy and tasteless. SUCK.

    2. Smart Start: soggy, tasteless, and has bran flakes thrown in. SUCK.

    3. Special K: stereotypically marketed towards women, makes culture think only skinny people are good, soggy, tasteless, and claims it’s “healthy” when it’s really not good for anything other than weight, and even then, it takes three weeks of eating the crap to take effect. SUCK.

    4. Cap’n Crunch Swirled Berries: I bought a box of these, thinking “Oh, it’s Cap’n Crunch with new berry pieces, awesome.” Bull. I open the box and shove some in my mouth, these things suck. I’m wondering “Why? What happened, Quaker Oats, what have you done?” I look on the side of the box, and in size 11 font, it tells me that the cereal has 2/3 less sugar. Bullcrap, that’s lying and false advertisment. When I think of Cap’n Crunch, I think of two things: sugar and taste to keep me up in the morning, and Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19th. This stuff made me think of neither, because it had no sugar or taste, it wasn’t able to keep me up, and it obviously wasn’t made for pirates, because pirates love sugar. SUCK.

    5. Tiger Power: This was made by Tony the Tiger’s weak relative, Karl the Kitten. This tasted like crap, even diabetics would be offended by this. Soggy, tasteless, marketed to evil moms who lock their kids in cages and don’t let them have candy until 17, and false endorsement from Tony the Tiger. SUCK.

    6. Crispix: The birth-defected cousins of Frosted Mini-Wheats. Please stop selling these, not only are they bad, but they try to live up to the awesomeness known as Chex. Plus, unlike Chex, they’re soggy. SUCK.

    7. Post Bran Cereals: Bran sucks. Period. Post, however, is a much better cereal company than Kellogg’s. Does Kellogg’s have Waffle Crisp, Oreo O’s, or Honey Comb? No, it doesn’t.

  14. nat – I don’t know if my man boobs got smaller. I’ve been fondling them to see if I can feel a difference. Also, getting a little nipple rubbing action, as well.

    Mir – Now that I think about it, if I extract the audio from the shows I recorded, take out the “mmm’s” and the “oh’s” that she always says, I think I can produce something erotic and funny.

    gko – I can still pinch more than an inch. Maybe two. But I think if I exercised during the two weeks, I would’ve lost more weight.

    Webmiztris – I could definitely eat pizza every day for every meal for two weeks. Mmm…Pizza. But I probably wouldn’t lose weight doing it.

    Chuck – Actually, it really was an easy diet. Also a lazy diet. I mean, you don’t have to prepare anything. All I had to do was pour some cereal into a bowl and then pour some skim milk into the same bowl. Then grab spoon and shovel cereal and milk into mouth. Repeat shoveling until cereal is gone.

    Pel – Actually, right now, I’m so sick of Special K that if Kellogg’s wanted me to review another Special K cereal they would have to pay me.

    klew – For my third sensible meal, I ate whatever I usually eat, like chicken, chili, or a sandwich. As for 30 Minute Meals, I read this article about how the author has never did one of her meals within 30 minutes. I believe the author said most of the meals took an hour or more.

    Toni – As they say with all diets, the easy part is losing the weight, but keeping it off is hard to do. I really do expect to gain it back within a week, because I’ve been eating out a lot since my fridge is broken.

    Damon – Hey man, anything for the review! Woo!

    Genny From the Burbs – With all the Special K I ate, if Special K had magical properties, I should either be able to pull a rabbit from a hat, saw someone in half, or make David Blaine disappear forever.

  15. sxyguy // sxygirl – You know what would make Special K special? If it didn’t have the “K,” then it would just be Special. Think about that. Did I just blow your mind?

    Lucy – Nah, they’re pretty perky. No sagging yet.

    N. Mallory – Thanks for the kudos. Speaking of a different kind of kudos, maybe I should invent the Kudos Diet, where I eat Kudos for two meals and then have a sensible third meal. Actually, that would be the worst diet ever. Eating a Kudos for a meal is like a supermodel eating a really big meal and then puking it out.

    JOESTER – Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m fondling them right now and they sort of feel the same. Wait, let me rub my nipples. Those feel the same too. Let me rub them some more. Nope, I guess not. Stick with diet and exercise. Or ask Lindsay Lohan how she lost boobage.

    Wench – If I had unwanted manboobs, I would give them to you, but I need every bit I can get to keep ahead of Kate Moss.

    KT – I’ve been thinking about going vegetarian for a week after eating some awesome spicy fried eggplant and chow mein. Oh, that was good. I could eat that for three days. Then I could switch to fried tofu. Mmm…

    caitlin – At least it doesn’t smell like my belly button lint. :-(

    Brandon – Oreo O’s Ore Owesome. Sorry that was lame.

  16. I was thinking of doing this… I’m tempted, still, even though I get sick of food ridiculously fast. Need to lose my freshman college weight gainage…

    I also read an article on Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals… and since the show is based off an actual 30 minute meal cooking class she conducted, it does work. It’s just that Rachael has mad chopping skills, along with a very well set up kitchen, and (taken from the article I read) “smart kitchen choreography.” Hehe, I’ve been obsessed with 30 minute meals since the start of this school year. :D

  17. Rachel is a total diva beeyotch. And I mean personally. Her shows are fine I suppose, but I prefer Alton Brown – he’s more my nerdy style – or Sarah Moulton (however you spell her name) because her food is good.

    And I’ve eaten Kashi GoLean for 3 years now. I so miss sugar cereals!

    (*)>

  18. I tried the special K diet too! I lost about 5 pounds. Surprisingly I didnt get tired of it though, I heart cereal. Buut I just got back from a 5 day vacation to Montreal, and I think I gained all 5 pounds back… hehe. Soooo I guess that was a wasted 2 weeks of eating only cereal? I’m starting it again for another 2 weeks…yea I know, im crazy!

  19. i’m considering this diet now… wonder if i’ll still have enough energy to go running. it hardly seems likely. and that *surely* would increase the weight loss. but they shouldn’t quote “6 pounds” for someone like me for whom 6 pounds is like more than 5% of my weight…. and i would substitute special K with my favourite (also healthy) cereal

  20. minnie – I think there are 5 different varieties of Special K, so if you do try to do it, you can rotate between them. As for Rachael Ray, if I ever met her, I would do some “smart kitchen choreography” for her. When I say “smart kitchen choreography,” I really mean lap dance.

    birdwoman – I also record and save Good Eats, because I actually learn how to cook normal stuff. I learned how to properly make scrambled eggs…Um, I think that’s all. Alton Brown rocks!

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – I don’t think I could do it again, because I don’t have any Special K. I don’t have Special K because after I was done with the diet, I jumped up and down on top of whatever Special K I had left and smashed it into crumbs, while saying to the cereal, “You ain’t so special now, are you?”

    wyn – If six pounds is five percent of your body weight, I don’t think losing six pounds would be a good idea. Unless you’re four feet tall. :-)

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