The Special K Diet

I don’t know how many of you remember the Total Cereal commercial, where the announcer says something like, “It would take 28 bowls of Special K to equal the vitamins and minerals of one bowl of Total.”

Well you know what Mr. Announcer, I don’t need your stinkin’ one bowl of Total Cereal, because I just ate 28 bowls of Special K. How you like me now, beeyatch?

Thanks to those 28 bowls I ate during the Special K Diet, I’m now four pounds lighter, sexier, and I think my man boobs just dropped a cup size. I now can confidently run in “Baywatch slow motion” across a beach and I won’t jiggle…as much.

For those of you who don’t know what the Special K Diet is, it involves eating a bowl of Special K for two meals and a sensible third meal, every day for two weeks. You are allowed to snack on fruit and vegetables in between meals. After those two weeks, you should be about six pounds lighter or drop one pants size.

Although, I really didn’t care about dropping one pants size, since all my pants have either elastic or adjustable waistbands

I think this weight loss will change my life and I’ll be able to do things I could never do when I was four pounds heavier.

I feel like I can jump higher and dunk a basketball…On one of those Nerf basketball rims you stick on top of your door.

I feel like I can talk to any woman…Over instant messaging using the screen name “sxybod” and a fake picture for my icon. (I know. “Sxybod” is probably taken already.)

I feel like I can do a marathon…That involves watching the Lord of the Rings Trilogy on my recliner, while eating potato chips and ice cream.

I feel like I can go to every store, purchase every box of Special K on the shelf, put those boxes in a huge pile, douse the pile in cheap alcohol, and light the sucker on fire, like I’m Guy Montag from the book Fahrenheit 451, because I’m frickin’ sick of Special K.

(Holy crap! What’s with the literary reference? I frickin’ feel like Dennis Miller.)

I now hate Special K more than car alarms that go off for more than 30 minutes and grandma underwear.

At first, I thought it wasn’t going to be so bad, because I was going to rotate between regular Special K and Special K Red Berries. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that Special K Red Berries really suck because the red berries soak up milk faster than Tara Reid soaks up alcohol.

After the third day, eating the Special K got really old and I decided to enhance the cereal with chocolate and strawberry milk. That helped me get through the two weeks and the two 18-ounce boxes of Special K.

However, the changes in milk couldn’t help with satisfying my hunger in between meals and my addiction to recording Rachael Ray’s cooking show 30 Minutes Meals, burning each episode to DVD, and cataloging them by the color of the shirt she’s wearing on the show.

Now that I accomplished the Special K Diet and lost weight, I think I should celebrate by eating either a Carl’s Jr. One Pound Double Six Dollar Burger or the Burger King Triple Whopper.

Item: The Special K Diet
Purchase Price: FREE (Boxes of Special K not included)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Lost weight. Adding chocolate or strawberry milk helped me tolerate the bowls of Special K. My rare literary reference.
Cons: I am soooo sick of Special K. Special K Red Berries suck. Was hungry between meals. Grandma underwear.

26 thoughts to “The Special K Diet”

  1. sxyguy // sxygirl – You know what would make Special K special? If it didn’t have the “K,” then it would just be Special. Think about that. Did I just blow your mind?

    Lucy – Nah, they’re pretty perky. No sagging yet.

    N. Mallory – Thanks for the kudos. Speaking of a different kind of kudos, maybe I should invent the Kudos Diet, where I eat Kudos for two meals and then have a sensible third meal. Actually, that would be the worst diet ever. Eating a Kudos for a meal is like a supermodel eating a really big meal and then puking it out.

    JOESTER – Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m fondling them right now and they sort of feel the same. Wait, let me rub my nipples. Those feel the same too. Let me rub them some more. Nope, I guess not. Stick with diet and exercise. Or ask Lindsay Lohan how she lost boobage.

    Wench – If I had unwanted manboobs, I would give them to you, but I need every bit I can get to keep ahead of Kate Moss.

    KT – I’ve been thinking about going vegetarian for a week after eating some awesome spicy fried eggplant and chow mein. Oh, that was good. I could eat that for three days. Then I could switch to fried tofu. Mmm…

    caitlin – At least it doesn’t smell like my belly button lint. 🙁

    Brandon – Oreo O’s Ore Owesome. Sorry that was lame.

  2. I was thinking of doing this… I’m tempted, still, even though I get sick of food ridiculously fast. Need to lose my freshman college weight gainage…

    I also read an article on Rachael Ray’s 30 Minute Meals… and since the show is based off an actual 30 minute meal cooking class she conducted, it does work. It’s just that Rachael has mad chopping skills, along with a very well set up kitchen, and (taken from the article I read) “smart kitchen choreography.” Hehe, I’ve been obsessed with 30 minute meals since the start of this school year. 😀

  3. Rachel is a total diva beeyotch. And I mean personally. Her shows are fine I suppose, but I prefer Alton Brown – he’s more my nerdy style – or Sarah Moulton (however you spell her name) because her food is good.

    And I’ve eaten Kashi GoLean for 3 years now. I so miss sugar cereals!


  4. I tried the special K diet too! I lost about 5 pounds. Surprisingly I didnt get tired of it though, I heart cereal. Buut I just got back from a 5 day vacation to Montreal, and I think I gained all 5 pounds back… hehe. Soooo I guess that was a wasted 2 weeks of eating only cereal? I’m starting it again for another 2 weeks…yea I know, im crazy!

  5. i’m considering this diet now… wonder if i’ll still have enough energy to go running. it hardly seems likely. and that *surely* would increase the weight loss. but they shouldn’t quote “6 pounds” for someone like me for whom 6 pounds is like more than 5% of my weight…. and i would substitute special K with my favourite (also healthy) cereal

  6. minnie – I think there are 5 different varieties of Special K, so if you do try to do it, you can rotate between them. As for Rachael Ray, if I ever met her, I would do some “smart kitchen choreography” for her. When I say “smart kitchen choreography,” I really mean lap dance.

    birdwoman – I also record and save Good Eats, because I actually learn how to cook normal stuff. I learned how to properly make scrambled eggs…Um, I think that’s all. Alton Brown rocks!

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – I don’t think I could do it again, because I don’t have any Special K. I don’t have Special K because after I was done with the diet, I jumped up and down on top of whatever Special K I had left and smashed it into crumbs, while saying to the cereal, “You ain’t so special now, are you?”

    wyn – If six pounds is five percent of your body weight, I don’t think losing six pounds would be a good idea. Unless you’re four feet tall. 🙂

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