REVIEW: Burger King Quad Stacker

Burger King Quad Stacker

One of the goals in my life is to be a speaker at a high school graduation. I don’t know how I’m going to do it or why anyone would invite me to speak, but I want it to happen. So in preparation of this goal, I wrote the speech I would present to some graduating class, and I’d like to share it with all of you.

I’d like to thank the graduating seniors for inviting me today. I’m honored to be here at some high school that I didn’t attend, but rest assured if I did go to this school, I would be the one all of you would ignore, beat up, or steal lunch money from.

Students from the Class of (Insert Class Year Here), I’m here to talk to you about goals. It’s something you probably have on your mind as most of you make your way to college or into the work force. Hopefully, my words here today will inspire, but if not that, I hope that you get a good nap from it, much like I did while attempting to listen to the guest speaker at my high school graduation.

I believe there are pillows under your chairs. You may take them out now. Remember, no drooling on the shoulder of the person next to you.

Remember when you were little and people asked what you wanted to be when you grow up. You all probably said occupations like police officer, doctor, lawyer, fireman, astronaut, and pizza delivery guy. But if you think about it, you were kind of forced to say these things because you didn’t really know of any other occupations out there, like data entry clerk, account executive, financial planner, or whatever people do on the TV show America’s Got Talent. Sure you also could’ve said teacher, but even at a young age, you all knew that teachers are overworked and underpaid.

Now that you’re older and wiser, most of you realize how crazy it was to consider being any of those things. Becoming a doctor or lawyer means more years of school and large college loans. Becoming a police officer isn’t as fun as any of the Police Academy movies. Finally, becoming a pizza delivery guy isn’t as glamorous as what was shown on your friend’s videotape, which he stole from his dad’s hidden video collection.

However, there are some of you who aspire to do things that are greater than what you are capable of. One of you probably wants to become a neurosurgeon, but unfortunately lack the hand dexterity and steadiness needed for the job, which was probably lost after taking too many spills on your Rollerblades without wrist guards. Another one of you may have dreams of become a Broadway dancer, but lack the rhythm, flexibility, stage presence, and high leg kick to do so.

Since you lack the skills necessary to do those things, you probably think that hard work and perseverance may help you reach your goals, but as someone older than you and someone who has gained some sort of success, since I’m speaking in front of you today, I’m here to tell you that you should really just settle for something else.

Don’t feel sad about settling, there is absolutely no shame in doing so…Unless your parents live vicariously through you, then you’ll probably feel guilt for the rest of your life. But you shouldn’t think of settling as giving up, you should think of it as Plan B.

For that person who wants to be a neurosurgeon, settle for being a psychologist instead. You still get to cut open the heads of patients, except instead of saws and scalpels, you will use phrases like “How does that make you feel?” and “What do the voices in your head say?” to look inside peoples’ heads.

As for the Broadway dancer wannabe, I’d suggest you settle for becoming a stripper. You still get to dance, the pay is usually better, and I believe you can write off breast implants as a tax deduction.

Personally, I’ve had to settle for many things. For example, I wanted a Lexus, but had to settle for a Toyota Corolla, due to not being able to pay the $800 monthly loan payments. I’ve also wanted to date Winona Ryder, but instead had to settle for ANY woman who wouldn’t say “no” to me, but I wasn’t successful with that either, so I just settled for ANYTHING with legs.

I’ve also had to settle for a Burger King Quad Stacker instead of a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger.

Instead of the 1,410 calories, 107 grams of fat, 45 grams of saturated fat, 229 milligrams of cholesterol, and 2,740 milligrams of sodium from the Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, I had to settle for the 1,000 calories, 68 grams of fat, 30 grams of saturated fat, 240 milligrams of cholesterol, and 1,800 milligrams of sodium in the Burger King Quad Stacker.

It totally feels like wanting the homecoming queen, but instead ending up with one of the other members of the homecoming court. It may seem like I totally regret settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker, but let me tell you, I am content with my decision.

Sure the Burger King Quad Stacker’s four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, eight strips of bacon, BK Stacker Sauce, and sesame seed bun may not seem heavy at 311 grams, compared with the 413-gram Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but as all women know, size doesn’t matter.

I believe I made the right decision in settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker.

Sure there’s really nothing special about its taste, because it tastes like any other bacon cheeseburger out there, but sometimes it’s not the taste that really matters, it’s the fact that there are four beef patties, four slices of American cheese, and EIGHT strips of bacon.

So I hope I’ve made you all realize that settling is okay. Just as long as you don’t look back and think “What if?”

Thank you.

Item: Burger King Quad Stacker
Price: $4.49 (sandwich only)
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Settling. It tastes like any old bacon cheeseburger, except four times bigger. Perfect if you HATE veggies, LOVE meat, or enjoy a little bread. Lots of protein (62 grams). My dream of speaking at a high school graduation. Anything with legs.
Cons: A tall sandwich, but not wide. It’s not a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger, but that’s okay and I’m content with settling for the Burger King Quad Stacker. Being a police officer is nothing like the Police Academy movies.

45 thoughts on “REVIEW: Burger King Quad Stacker

  1. Looking at that thing makes me want to throw up. I can’t believe you were able to eat it all!

  2. I don’t miss the winters in Wisconsin, but I do kind of miss Hardee’s…the closest one to me now is in Louisiana. With the price of gas and all, not worth driving to for a road trip.

    I actually think that the picture makes the burger look pretty tasty. Who knows, I may try one myself today.

  3. I agree with Chuck that the burger does look tasty. I like that the cheese is melted. I hate when you get a cheeseburger & the cheese is just slapped on straight from fridge. It has to be melted!!

  4. This BK QuadStacker looks like the Thickburger’s ugly sister. And you put her in your mouth. How does that make you feel?

  5. I’ve never eaten at Hardee’s without questioning my sanity five minutes later. There’s a reason all the local ones have gone out of business.

    You may have unwittingly struck gold by settling for BK’s version. But, it still looks like what you choose to eat only after all the bars are closed.

  6. This is the nastiest thing I have ever seen since that smooshed squirrel in the middle of the road that my dog tried to eat.

  7. my little brother wanted one of these while we went to a burger after an amusment park. i bet 10$ he couldnt eat the whole thing. well he did…sadly. i now owe him 10$

    funny reveiw though πŸ™‚

  8. Holy Hell Batman… I can feel my arteries turning to cement just by looking at that thing. Does it come with a couple of arterty-clearing aspirin, or perhaps a coupon to a local cardiologist?

  9. Oh Marvo, you’ve dissed me twice in your review! πŸ™

    -I’m a graduate student in Psychology. I was also a Psychology major as an undergrad. Granted I’m headed towards research rather than counseling, but that’s still my field.

    -I own a Toyota Corolla.

    I didn’t settle for either of these things! πŸ™

    The burger looks pretty good though, but I’d be happier with a Hamburger Hamlet burger any day πŸ™‚

  10. That burger looks AMAZING. Not quite a Monster Thickburger, to be sure, but amazing no less.

    I will have one before the week is out.

  11. I’m not a burger kind of guy.And definately not a 4 patty kind of guy.But…..the eight slices of bacon would make Homer Simpson proud.

  12. Settle for a Toyota Corolla? Aren’t cars and gasoline quite expensive on that rock in the middle of the ocean?

    That burger does look good, and nice that it is not laden down with lettuce.

  13. jinhamasaki – It’s really smaller than it looks, but I was also able to eat it because I didn’t order the value meal.

    Chuck – You definitely do have a BK nearby. But don’t you miss the cheese of Wisconsin?

    MAC Dodge – That’s what the microwaves are for…cheese melting.

    Domokun – At least there weren’t pubic hairs and she did come with a bag over her body.

    Lucy – Hiya, Lucy!!! It also looks like a heart attack on a paper burger wrapper. Or a heart attack on a fast food serving tray. πŸ™‚

    Lord Jezo – No wonder it took so frickin’ long to get my order!

    Wednesday – I would die to eat at a Hardee’s once in my life, then I would probably die again after eating at Hardee’s.

    TG – You forgot DISGUSTING!!!! Also, meatastic.

    Peachy – Actually, that is the nastiest thing I’ve heard of. I think I just puked in my mouth a little bit.

  14. B-rad – It just shows that your little brother isn’t so little anymore. He’s all grown up now. You should be proud. πŸ™‚

    Rylan – Stab you in the heart with saturated fat and cholesterol.

    Mooselet – If it did, I would be even more expensive. Insurance would’ve been nice.

    Mir – So how would you like your bucket of lard prepared? πŸ˜‰

    Toni – I’m not dissing Psychology or Corollas. Without the three psychology classes I took in college, I would’ve probably had a 2.2 GPA instead of my 2.4 GPA. Also, I heart my Toyota Corolla, although I wish it had power locks.

    Rhawb – I should just by two of these, smoosh them together, and have myself a BK Octo Stacker.

    Al – Mmm…Bacon.

    klew – $3.23 a gallon for regular unleaded. Thank goodness I only have to fill up my car every two to three weeks and I drive a Toyota Corolla.

    Muneer – I’m gonna guess 50 grams per patty. I would weigh them, but my cocaine scale needs to be calibrated.

  15. Ooh, I see why you didn’t get to give the graduation speech πŸ˜‰
    If the quad has the same sized patties as BK’s double cheeseburger, then I guess it would be good. That’s Bk’s best burger. I’ve been in company with someone who thought the double was too small..so this would be perfect for them

    *gags on beef overload

  16. I think with the 2,740 grams of sodium and the 62 grams of protien, it’s a wash.

    Yikes, though.. I almost had a heart attack reading that review! :-/

  17. That whole ‘no drooling on your neighbors shoulder’ bit would have come in handy at my grad ceremony….. Come to think of it, it would have been nice at any major assembly, homeroom, math class, english class……………
    I’m torn about the burger, I’m not sure if its appetizing, or if it makes me want to vomit.

  18. skibs – Someday I will give that speech, even if I have to crash a graduation.

    Webmiztris – Whenever I hate myself, I find a picture of Simon Cowell and then think to myself, “Thank goodness, I’m not that asshole.” Then I feel a little better.

    BeerGoat – That Big Daddy Bacon Cheeseburger has a lot of sodium, but not enough calories or fat. I think it needs to be the Big Grand Daddy Bacon Cheeseburger. That would rock.

    Rylan – It’s also less messy than being stabbed by sharp objects.

    damasta – I think most people burn a calorie after reading one review, but I think with this review, people actually consumed 10 calories.

    Barb – If you eat it with your eyes closed, it should be all right. Doing that is like the equivalent of putting a bag over an unattractive person’s head.

  19. no freaking way. i was at the SJ airport this morning and walked by a big advertisement for this and figured it’d be a fairly amusing thing for you to review. other weird thing is that i was flying to honolulu.

    i love the internet.

  20. I’m gonna admit that I have not read this entire review…everytime I come here the sight of that disgusting thing makes me barf in my mouth. please Please PLEASE review something else so that hideous photo will go away.

  21. ultradave – I love the internet too. Although I hope I\’m not suffocating the internet, because I hate for the internet to break up with me.

    pink – As a fan of In-N-Out…NO, it is not better.

    Gia on Guam – Ask and you shall receive. Just don\’t ask for money or world peace.

    K – Yeah, I thought you wouldn\’t like it. πŸ˜‰

  22. All of y’all bow down to the king of the stacker!!! I just got home from BK. I ate a stacker with 7, count it, 7 pieces of meat. I also had large fries and 2 large dr peppers. If you don’t believe me, call the manager at BK on 82nd Street in Lubbock, Texas

  23. There is no way the Quad is only 1000 calories. If the Mickeys double QP is 770, how can 2 extra patties plus cheese plus god knows what else be only another 230?

  24. K-Bizzle – K-Bizzle? Does the “K” stand for Kobayashi, the hot dog eating champion, who ate 54 frickin’ hot dogs in 12 minutes. For someone who’s a hot dog eating champion, 7 pieces of meat, large fries, and 2 large Dr. Peppers doesn’t seem like much. Oh, you’re not Kobayashi? Well then, I choose not to bow down to you, because I’m afraid if I lose sight of your bragging gluttonous ass, you’ll try to eat me.

    Lou – All I can say is that it’s probably Burger King magic.

  25. im still not sure how to order this without sounding fat. i thik hextuple sounds better. nothing is better than 6 patties.

  26. jason – Well seven is a lucky number, so I think seven would be a good number to patties. Thirteen is a whole different story.

  27. Hey, it is me again.

    People order this all the time. I made so many of them tonight. I just throw on a handfull of bacon. Some of that thousand island dressing and 4 pieces of cheese and 4 hamburger patties. The thing is so hard to wrap.

    I ate one the first day we had them. I was on my break. I finished the whole thing and the rest of the time at work I wasn’t feeling to well. Last time I will eat a quad.

    I have not heard of anything new yet. I’ll take a look in the managers office and see what I can find.

  28. Matt – Another question. So if you go to McDonald’s or another fast food place, do you get the feeling that The King is watching you and shaking his head in disagreement?

  29. Nope. I once bought a King mask and then I bought a whopper then I walked into work and snuck up behind a worker tapped him on the shoulder and when he turned around I had a whopper in my hand for him. Scared the crap out of him. Then I went out and got candy from different houses.

    The King is so scary. We have posters in the back with him on it. Then we have videos that I watch and the King is the host of the video.

    I don’t feel the King is watching me. I don’t even think about it when I eat a Big Mac.

  30. And by the way. That picture looks way gross. Someone microwaved it to long. I wonder if any of my sandwiches I make look like that.

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