REVIEW: Froot Loops Cereal Straws

Froot Loops Cereal Straws

I must start by saying that I’ve never really liked Froot Loops. I was always more of a Trix guy growing up. I can’t say why, exactly. Maybe it was my sympathy for the Trix rabbit, or maybe it was because I never really understood the appeal of Toucan Sam. He was boring and dull, nothing like my buddy “Two-Can Sam” who earned his nickname through his method of drinking which led to alcohol poisoning. Perhaps I never really dug Froot Loops because my elementary school would feed me stale ones every morning.

It also could’ve even been the fact that my school district switched from milk cartons to milk bags in the mid nineties, forcing us to puncture the bags like savages. The milk went everywhere but in the bowl, causing me to dress the cereal with tears when the milk from the bag ran out. So maybe it was the horrible traumatization, but I can’t be sure. What I am sure of is that I no longer have to relive those memories, as Froot Loops now come in straw form.

“Straws…made of cereal? This is fucking AWESOME!”

What do you mean? That wasn’t what you were thinking? Okay, you’re probably right. On the list of “things nobody asked for, but we’re going to give you anyways,” cereal straws has to rank in the top five. On that basis alone, it was worthy of an impulsive buy. I need to drink more milk, anyways. I haven’t grown in years and the commercials say it helps prevent osteoporosis in women. I’m not sure if I need that second part, but you can never be too sure.

Upon perforating one of the two packages, the perfume of fake fruit and powdered milk permeated the air and tempted the taste buds (try to say that without sounding like Daffy Duck, I dare you). There’s something about unabashedly artificial flavoring that’s both charming and nostalgic…sexual, even. Alright, maybe not sexual, but something pleasant nonetheless. The straws were thinner than what the box indicated, looking more like real straws than giant-sized novelty pens. They are lined in the middle with that sickly sweet powdered milk that seems to be popping up in granola and cereal bars everywhere. Someone needs to tell these guys that it does NOT replace milk and that we can all tell it’s just sweetened coffee creamer. Fortunately, the flavor of that is masked by the Froot Loop shell.

The straws themselves are rather sturdy and hold up well to milk. They last a long time without getting soggy and do actually work as straws. They basically taste like Froot Loops, which is all you could realistically hope for. Sadly, the cereal straws live in a paradoxical existence; humans cannot eat and drink at the same time. Well…I guess soup makes us do that, but let’s ignore that for a second.

Once you take a single bite of the cereal straw, it becomes too short for drinking and the fun immediately dissipates. If you just sit there and drink the milk, you’ll just be wasting the straw as it imparts no flavor and is generally useless. Once you get to the bottom, you realize you have a half-soggy cereal straw with no milk to wash it down with.

God damn, it’s like a snake eating its own tail!

Alas, cereal straws are apparently too cool for the laws of this universe and exist only as fun, yet impractical novelties.

Item: Froot Loops Cereal Straws
Price: $2.00
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Froot Loops flavor and fragrance. Snackable without milk. Actually works as a straw. My buddy “Two-Can Sam.”
Cons: Ridiculously pointless. Extremely artificial taste. Alcohol poisoning. Daffy Duck’s speech impediment. Can’t drink and eat at same time.

52 thoughts on “REVIEW: Froot Loops Cereal Straws

  1. Could one drink a milkshake with a straw like this? How does it hold up to other viscosities of beverage?
    And the only use for straws other than drinking: Walrus Tusks. Technicolor idiocy or colorful fun?

    I’m intrigued by the idea of the cereal straw.

  2. I always liked the high-energy Quix alien with the beanie, but I think he died a long time ago. And I always believed Toucan Sam had a touch of the Down’s. Now, I realize he’s also an alchyholic. Whatta loser!

    Cereal straw. I guess they have to do something to keep that stupid bird in that special needs school and AA meetings.

  3. I think this is the stupidest product idea of all time. They must have some really powerful stuff to smoke there in the product development room at Kellog’s.

  4. Wouldn’t eat these with milk, but a tasty looking little snack anyway

    lol @ Fred
    6 inches & ribbed for her pleasure!

  5. i saw cocoa krispie flavored cereal staws today….since your not down with the froot loops.

  6. Yeah, seriously Marvo, what the heck are milk bags?

    And more importantly, how did you not turn a reference to milk bags into a sexy double entendre?

  7. Those sound kind of decent…except for that nasty sweetened coffee creamer crap that they’ve lined the straws with. I’ve had enough of those “milkless” cereal bars to know that the stuff tastes rather terrible and ruins what is otherwise perfectly tasty cereal. It’s all gritty and oversweetened…eeeugh, no thanks.

  8. These are just impossibly weird and I want them NOW. I want a whole breakfast composed of futuristic, jacked-up breakfast treats. What else should I have?

  9. “Milk Bags” sounds slightly sexual as well. I’d sue my school lunch program.

    Where’s the love for Captain Crunch? Crunch Berry’s got me through some serious middle school trauma.

  10. KT – I tried it with a root beer float and it worked. I think I’ll try boba in the future as well. Maybe even use them as glow sticks during raves.

    Natalia – I was big into ring pops, but later abandoned them for fear they would make me look queer. I was a very insecure child.

    Domokun – Mascots tend to lead a very shallow and vapid existence. I’d be an alcoholic too if I could only say the same 1 or 2 sentences for 40+ years.

    Chuck – They probably smoked weed in a real straw and came up with this stuff.

    blender – I think we’re still working on importing those
    panty vending machines.

    Fred – I’m sorry, I guess that’s what separates Marvo from us normies.

    Meredith – It’s literally a plastic pouch of clear plastic filled with milk. They expect kids to stab it and be able to drink out of it. Really.

    Marvo – Well, Twizzlers are kind of like that. Unless you want a hard candy straw, but I’d imagine that the tongue lacerations may turn people off.

    skibs – I was never one to snack on cereal by itself…wait, I should be more specific: I only snack on cereal when I’m in the kitchen at midnight and looking at myself ashamed in the mirror.

    webmiztris – It’s funny how even if something isn’t very good, somebody will say “I bet this would be good in a mixed drink” and everyone just happily nods.

    nicole – That sounds pretty good, but the fake milk stuff is really awful…I would just make my own cocoa crispie straws. It mights take a few hours, but at least it won’t have that powdered milk stuff.

    Zadillo – I’m not Marvo nor the Richard Bachman to his Stephen King. If I was, I’d probably have the noggin to talk about milk bags in more humorous ways.

    Rhawb – It’s really awful. Ugh…cereal bars “with milk” just make me want milk 10x more.

    ultradave – Uhh…steroids and a line of coke. Mixed in with orange juice, of course. Got to have that vitamin C.

    Buffy – Supposedly Captain Crunch cuts your mouth. It might’ve been a smear campaign. I wouldn’t know, since I only ate Trix, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Cookie Crunch and the Froot Loops and Cheerios at school. Nothing like a big bowl of sugar and flour to start the day, I suppose.

  11. Whoops, sorry about that – I didn’t even notice that this wasn’t written by Marvo. My apologies!

  12. i thoguht of gettting these, the problem is while i like Froot Loops (and all cold cereal), i’m never in the mood for a glass of milk.

    so the ratio here is wrong, not enough cereal for the amount of milk.

    suppose you could eat the entire box of straws maybe in a sitting to offset that.

    have to check if the box lists the correct eating scenario, maybe they do want you to have a box at a time.

  13. Yeah, this is just the repurposing of an age-old product: the asian flute cookies.

    http://www.flakmag.com/misc/flute.html

    Go to any asian supermarket and in the snacks section you’ll find these. They’re flakey cylindrical things with a sugary coating inside, in flavors such as coconut (my fave) or strawberry and chocolate.

    As a kid I remember using them drink milk with, it wasn’t very tasty though.

  14. Pingback: Cereal Straws
  15. Zadillo – That’s cool, man. Still very new around here.

    eric – That wouldn’t look too great on the nutritional info, I don’t think.

    Alaska Miller – Yup, but flute cookies are boring…these are FROOT LOOPS.

    Cereal Straws – Hurray for linkage across the web. TIB will soon become “the powers that be”.

    Robyn – Cool! May all our lives be enriched with useless snack items.

  16. Keep eating those things and say hello to your corporate-designed early death.
    Just post the ingredients to see what I mean.

  17. ahh, here we go… (yuck!!!!)

    WHEAT FLOUR, SUGAR, VEGETABLE OIL (PALM, SHEANUT, AND COTTONSEED OILS), MALTODEXTRIN, FRUCTOSE, NONFAT MILK, CONTAINS TWO PERCENT OR LESS OF GLUCOSE SYRUP, EGGS, SOY LECITHIN, SALT, ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR, PGPR (POLYGLYCEROL POLYRICINOLEIC ACID), NATURAL ORANGE, LEMON, LIME AND OTHER NATURAL FLAVORS, YELLOW #6, RED #40, YELLOW #5, NIACINAMIDE, BLUE #1, VITAMIN A PALMITATE, PYRIDOXINE HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B6), TOCOPHEROLS FOR FRESHNESS, RIBOFLAVIN (VITAMIN B2), THIAMIN HYDROCHLORIDE (VITAMIN B1), SESAME FLOUR, VITAMIN B12, VITAMIN D.

  18. Here in Australia we’ve got a similar invention but instead of an oversized fruitloop straw, it’s a plastic straw with balls of chocolate in the middle. Filters on each end prevent the chocolate being directy ingested whilst still providing a delicous drink. According to the box each straw only contains half a teaspoon of sugar which isn’t too bad considering the high sugar content of a regular glass of chocolate milk

  19. Dan – If I read the labels in most of the stuff I eat, I’d believe that I should have been dead several times over.

    Destroyer – I…must…have that. It sounds confusingly awesome.

    Frenchman – Thanks for the heads up!

    Brianron – It’s actually “Cereal Wafer Straws”. Cereal Water sounds tasty, though, I should try making that.

  20. Toucan Sam’s apprehensive “Will anyone buy this crap?” eyeing of the cereal straw is hilarious.

  21. Maybe our youth could snort their Ritalin with the flavored straw then suck up their milk. Accolades and bravo to the new product development folks at Kellogg! You offer an exciting way to deliver a vital childhood medication and drink milk.

  22. dude it’s not that hard to use

    eat all of the cereal in your bowl, until there’s only milk left. Then use the fruit loop straw to drink all the milk. Then eat the fruit loop straw for a second meal!

    Cereallessly!

  23. I was in the store with my 10-year-old the other day, and he BEGGED me to get these things. All I could think of was, “Did Marvo review these yet?” I’ve been a spotty reader of late, but I had to come see. You did not let me down! 3 out of 5 for a grown-up would equal 5 out of 5 for a kid, do you think? I’m still passing on these…

    But you still crack me up.

  24. nat, just so you don’t make the same mistake I did, this was written by the new writer Ace, not Marvo (although it was so funny I thought it easily could have been a Marvo original).

  25. Destroyer – Those are Called Sippahh! straws.
    I love those and they do actually give the milk flavor, you just kind of have to drink them in a hurry. but they come in so many flavor. My favorite is the mint chocolate.

  26. i always preferred trix over froot loops as well. and i do believe it has to do with froot loops from school. they ruined it for us!!! and does damn milk bags as well! how do they expect a child to poke a hole into it?! we could barely open the carton without it spilling all over ourselves. how are we to stab a tiny straw into a bag?! it’s ludicrous!

    i, however, must try out these straws for myself. can you sip alcoholic beverages with them?! haha.

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