Whoever was the marketing guru responsible for naming the Oreo Cakesters must’ve been inspired by their hours spent watching professional wrestler Hulk Hogan, who went by the self-given nickname, “The Hulkster.”
I don’t know if they realized it, but it’s an appropriate name, since the Oreo Cakesters look like they’re regular Oreos on steroids, much like “The Hulkster” was in the 1980s.
I’m surprised the swollen-looking Oreo Cakesters didn’t have an enlarged forehead, shrunken testicles, ‘roid rage, or hit 74 home runs in a season.
Oreos are one of my weaknesses, just like female asian classical instrument musicians, especially those who like to put a cello in between their legs. I don’t know what it is about those black and white discs of sugary comfort that warms my heart and spikes my sugar levels, but whenever they’re around I’ll eat one or two or however many I can stuff in my mouth during an episode of The Daily Show.
The Oreo Cakesters are significantly different than their older, harder brethren. First off, they’re soft, like cake or anything by Metallica after 1990. This means you can’t crush these to make an awesome Oreo cookie crust for a pie, an ice cream topping, or something snortable through a rolled up hundred dollar bill.
Instead of coming packaged on a tray with three rows of ebony and ivory goodness, Cakesters come in a box with six twin-wrapped packs. These packs make it easier to take some on the go, but make it hard when you want to pelt someone with Oreos. The amount of time spent opening each pack means more time for your target to run away, unless your target is Britney Spears, because she does everything lethargically now, like putting on clothes, parenting, and MTV VMA performances.
The biggest difference between these new fattening Oreo Cakesters and regular fattening Oreos is that they don’t taste like Oreos. If you enjoy ho hos and ding dongs from hostess bars, I suggest you get checked for sexually transmitted diseases regularly, but if you like Ho Hos and Ding Dongs from Hostess, you will probably like the Oreo Cakesters because they taste like those wonderful chocolate cake products.
Not having the Oreo flavor is disappointing, but I do think they taste delicious and if I wanted to look like Rosie O’Donnell for Halloween, I might just use the Oreo Cakesters to help build body mass. Sure, steroids would probably give me faster results, but I want tastier results without the ‘roid rage, and I think the Oreo Cakesters would be able to provide that.
Besides, I already have a enlarged forehead from my huge brain filled with worthless information and Metallica song lyrics.
(Nutritional Facts – 2 cakes – 12 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 2.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 260 milligrams of sodium, 125 milligrams of potassium, 36 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 23 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, a measly 2% RDA of calcium, and 8% RDA of iron)
(Editor’s Note: If you’re looking for an Oreo Cakesters review that uses the word “fuck” more, go check out this one by Dionne Galace.)
Item: Oreo Cakesters
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Tastes like Hostess Ho-Hos and Ding Dongs. Soft and cakey. Tastes good. Zero trans fat. The Hulkster.
Cons: They look like Oreos on steroids. Don’t taste like Oreos. Unhealthier than regular Oreos. Shrunken testicles. Can’t make Oreo cookie crust with them. Twin-wrapped packs makes it hard to pelt people with Oreos. Britney Spears’ VMA performance.