Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E

Oh, wook at the wittle doggie on the packaging for the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E.

Who’s a cute, wittle doggie? You’re a cute, wittle doggie. Yes you are. You wike to wick my nose with your wittle tongue, don’cha. You wook so soft and cuddwy, wittle doggie. If you were here I would use your soft wittle fur to wipe my warge ass.

Don’t bewieve me? Just ask the Snuggle bear.

How could I not buy toilet paper with a cute, wittle doggie on its packaging? It’s hard for me to resist things with cute doggie woggies on them. It’s the reason why I’ve got an unused bag of Puppy Chow, a whole lot of Clifford the Big Red Dog books, every sheet from the 365 Puppies A Year tear-away daily desk calendar from the last five years, and why the website Daily Puppy is at the top of my RSS feed reader.

I was hoping that the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E would be soft and fluffy like the fur of that cutsy wootsy doggie woggie on its plastic wrapper or the lyrics of Jewel song. I was also expecting it would be so soft that I would intentionally eat Ex-Lax just so I could use it more.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t as soft as a doggie woggie, but it felt as good as my usual two-ply Costco toilet paper I get in the über 36-pack that takes me over a year to go through, even after my annual tradition of dressing up as a mummy.

Like Ruffles potato chips or Jabba the Hut’s chin, each sheet of the Cottonelle Toilet Paper has ridges. I thought it glided better over my bunghole compared with other toilet papers I’ve used. I don’t know if the aloe and vitamin E had something to do with reducing roughness, but if they did, I need a shirt made with aloe and vitamin E so that my nipples don’t chafe when I go running. Sure, I enjoy rubbing the Neosporin on them afterwards, but overall, raw nipples aren’t fun.

Oh, if only I were rich or in Europe, I would have a bidet. Or even better, if I were rich, I would be wiping my ass with either the finest Asian silks, 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, or $100 bills. Although, now that I think about it, money can be just as dirty as an Amy Winehouse heroin needle and it’s a pain to wash fine Asian silks. I think I’ll settle for two-ply toilet paper.

Unfortunately, the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is only one ply. The one ply is thick, but just like Jabba the Hutt, it choked when around my “Great Pit of Carkoon.” It tore in non-perforated areas often while ripping away sheets from the roll and while cleaning my undercarriage. This is not acceptable because I didn’t want to accidently have my finger slide up into me. If I’m going to have a finger slide into me, I want it to be the finger of someone I paid to do so.

Unless it starts packaging an actual cute wittle doggie woggie with it, I don’t think the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is worth it. It’s one ply, seems to tear easily, is just as soft as the two-ply stuff I get from Costco, and is pricey per roll. The aloe and vitamin E do seem to add less roughness to the toilet paper, but unless you have a bad case of diarrhea or get OCD when it come to wiping your ass, you probably won’t really notice it.

Item: Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E
Price: $6.37 (12 rolls)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cute wittle puppy on the front. Sewer and septic system safe. Aloe and vitamin E do seem to make paper less rough. Clifford the Big Red Dog. Rubbing Neosporin on nipples. Daily Puppy.
Cons: Seems to tear easily. One ply. Pricey for the amount of rolls. Their “double rolls” look like normal rolls. Paying more than $100 to have someone slide a finger into me.

32 thoughts on “Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E

  1. At the risk of running an old review into the ground…I don’t think this stuff would have fared well in the habanero jerky torture test. Definitely need two-ply for that, or for many other products you review.

  2. im disturbed that youu want to wipe your ass with a dog’s fur. Hmmmm, if peanut butter were involved, the dog would probably use his tongue…REVIEW that.

  3. I find Cottonelle shreds too much when I use it on, ahem, my delicate areas. And since it’s only one-ply, you have to use twice as much so all in all not a good deal. Oh, and what is wrong with using your own (free) finger, might I ask?

  4. If you go through a 36 pack in over a year that means you go through a roll of toilet paper approx. every two weeks (or longer, I don’t know how much beyond a year it lasts).
    I go through a roll every day or so. Do you ration it? Use only a square at a time? Do you just not wipe very well? I admire your conservationism. What’s your secret?

  5. I actually quite like cottonelle myself. But screw wiping with a furry doggie. I shave for a reason- don’t need any added hair in that region.

  6. stephanie – That dog looks like Gizmo from the Gremlins movie.

    cian – I’ll steal some from my future pregnant wife.

    Ace – I think all dogs like butts. They love sniffing mine. Maybe I should stop eating meat.

    Mir – Well I haven’t told you about the birthmark on my (insert which body part you think it is here).

    Chuck – Before I reply to your comment, have you watched the show Chuck on NBC. I think it’s a good show. Anyhoo, I think I want a bidet installed in my bathroom before I eat that habanero jerky again.

    nicole – Don’t worry, I’d wash the dog after. Or pay someone to wash it.

    Molly – There’s something about sticking myself that I just can’t do. I think that’s the reason why I’m not a heroin addict.

    Anonymous – My secret? I don’t have a vagina, my roommate is never around, and I don’t poop a lot.

    Alisha – I shave too…um, well trim.

    g – I don’t like squatting because it’s hard to read magazines or do stuff on a laptop.

  7. Marvo,
    Thank you for taking the time to get to the bottom of this type of review. I don’t want to make you the butt of my jokes, since reviewing bathroom tissue can be a sticky situation. I am glad you did it rather then me.

    After reading your review, I now know that when I have guests over for my weekly rump roast and hot buttered buns dinner, I had better have something stronger on hand… or they might be left with something stronger on their hands.

    Glad to have this review behind us. I guess this means that should Disney ever decide to branch lower into the personal care market and comes out with the Winnie-The-Poo paper, I know where to look for the review!

  8. I love Cottonelle with Aloe & E but have never noticed it was single ply. After using the sandpaper Scott brand during bouts of diarhea, most anything would be considered soft. I just went to go check my pack of Cottonelle Ultra and found that it’s two-ply. It’s labled as “strong and absorbent” and the cute puppy is napping.

  9. Marvo,

    I’ve heard it’s a good show, but I haven’t watched it yet, since I’m usually at work when it’s on. I’ll try recording it with my DVR.

  10. Cottonelle fan here, and you know how I am about making sure the back door is well-oiled and on its hinges for my frequent guests to enter. Can’t have it lookin’ shabby! The trick is using the Moist Fresh Wipes first. Sorta like using a degreaser on your car’s tires/engine.

    Wuv the wittle doggie! I understand their marketing dept. only has three things to choose from: baby, puppy, tits. And out of the three, the puppy looks best in the goggles their using to hawk the Fresh wipes.

  11. I don’t use Cottonelle very often, I prefer Charmin. I always crack up at those commercials w/ the bears. But I wonder, that look of glee on their faces: is that from the act of pooping itself, or from the fantastic tp?

    Wow, I never had the chance to ask that until now, Marvo. Thanks for the opportunity. 😉

  12. bidet from europe? Upgrade to Japan….with LCD screen and wireless internet mounted on the wall. More options on how many jets of water!

  13. With toilet paper, I prefer the Costco stuff. I only wish I could have a bidet!

    Say, what’s with the animals in t.p. ads? Like the cartoon bears that go behind the tree…

  14. I may never be the same after reading this post.

    Sliding fingers. Nipple chaffing and the undying image of wiping asses with puppies.

    Therapy was inevitable.

  15. Gigi – I really would like to wipe my ass with Winnie The Pooh.

    Lane O – Oh, cutey wooty puppy nappwing.

    govtdrone – I’m glad the r-r-ridges aren’t r-r-rough.

    Chuck – You can watch past episodes at the NBC website. About the Gravatars, I know they were just bought out by the same guys to who do WordPress, so I think we have to reupload our images or I have to mess with the code.

    Domokun – Tits don’t look good in goggles? I thought tits look good in everything.

    Webmiztris – If he eats it, wouldn’t be ironic that he’s wiping the pooped out toilet paper with toilet paper. Wow, that totally blows my mind.

    Brie – I thought bears drag their asses on the ground to wipe…or grab a nearby bunny.

    Peachy – If only I had a Target, I would try their toilet paper.

    jinhamasaki – That sounds pretty cool, as long as they’re not showing my ass on the LCD screen.

    Lane O – If I wasn’t saving money for a Real Doll, I would totally buy one of those. 😉

    demondoll – Yeah, I find it strange that animal are being used too. Like they have to wipe their ass for anything. To be honest, I don’t think most animals can reach their asses with their limbs.

    Mia – You think you need therapy. I wrote the thing.

    Rylan – Sorry about that.

  16. If you do buy a RealDoll, we demand a review from it. Actually, that company should send you one for free in exchange for a funny review.

  17. Chuck – If they send me one for free, I probably won’t do another review EVER. I’ll just spend all my time with the RealDoll.

    Kate – I wish vegetables had cute puppies on it. I would buy more if they did.

  18. 1) Ok, so this is more than you ever wanted to know, but I find Cottonelle paper leaves…fibers…behind. Even the aloe. You want Charmin with aloe. No fibers & keeps the ‘area’ squeaky clean. Charmin wipes, however, are too thin & your fingers will go right through. Cottonelle wipes are thicker & much preferred. Charmin for paper + Cottonelle wipes = an ass you could eat dinner off of.

    2) Shame on you. I have spent the last 2 hours @ dailypuppy.com & am going to die now from the cuteness.

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