Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E

Oh, wook at the wittle doggie on the packaging for the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E.

Who’s a cute, wittle doggie? You’re a cute, wittle doggie. Yes you are. You wike to wick my nose with your wittle tongue, don’cha. You wook so soft and cuddwy, wittle doggie. If you were here I would use your soft wittle fur to wipe my warge ass.

Don’t bewieve me? Just ask the Snuggle bear.

How could I not buy toilet paper with a cute, wittle doggie on its packaging? It’s hard for me to resist things with cute doggie woggies on them. It’s the reason why I’ve got an unused bag of Puppy Chow, a whole lot of Clifford the Big Red Dog books, every sheet from the 365 Puppies A Year tear-away daily desk calendar from the last five years, and why the website Daily Puppy is at the top of my RSS feed reader.

I was hoping that the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E would be soft and fluffy like the fur of that cutsy wootsy doggie woggie on its plastic wrapper or the lyrics of Jewel song. I was also expecting it would be so soft that I would intentionally eat Ex-Lax just so I could use it more.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t as soft as a doggie woggie, but it felt as good as my usual two-ply Costco toilet paper I get in the über 36-pack that takes me over a year to go through, even after my annual tradition of dressing up as a mummy.

Like Ruffles potato chips or Jabba the Hut’s chin, each sheet of the Cottonelle Toilet Paper has ridges. I thought it glided better over my bunghole compared with other toilet papers I’ve used. I don’t know if the aloe and vitamin E had something to do with reducing roughness, but if they did, I need a shirt made with aloe and vitamin E so that my nipples don’t chafe when I go running. Sure, I enjoy rubbing the Neosporin on them afterwards, but overall, raw nipples aren’t fun.

Oh, if only I were rich or in Europe, I would have a bidet. Or even better, if I were rich, I would be wiping my ass with either the finest Asian silks, 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, or $100 bills. Although, now that I think about it, money can be just as dirty as an Amy Winehouse heroin needle and it’s a pain to wash fine Asian silks. I think I’ll settle for two-ply toilet paper.

Unfortunately, the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is only one ply. The one ply is thick, but just like Jabba the Hutt, it choked when around my “Great Pit of Carkoon.” It tore in non-perforated areas often while ripping away sheets from the roll and while cleaning my undercarriage. This is not acceptable because I didn’t want to accidently have my finger slide up into me. If I’m going to have a finger slide into me, I want it to be the finger of someone I paid to do so.

Unless it starts packaging an actual cute wittle doggie woggie with it, I don’t think the Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E is worth it. It’s one ply, seems to tear easily, is just as soft as the two-ply stuff I get from Costco, and is pricey per roll. The aloe and vitamin E do seem to add less roughness to the toilet paper, but unless you have a bad case of diarrhea or get OCD when it come to wiping your ass, you probably won’t really notice it.

Item: Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E
Price: $6.37 (12 rolls)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Cute wittle puppy on the front. Sewer and septic system safe. Aloe and vitamin E do seem to make paper less rough. Clifford the Big Red Dog. Rubbing Neosporin on nipples. Daily Puppy.
Cons: Seems to tear easily. One ply. Pricey for the amount of rolls. Their “double rolls” look like normal rolls. Paying more than $100 to have someone slide a finger into me.

32 thoughts to “Kleenex Cottonelle Toilet Paper Enriched With Aloe & Vitamin E”

  1. I don’t use Cottonelle very often, I prefer Charmin. I always crack up at those commercials w/ the bears. But I wonder, that look of glee on their faces: is that from the act of pooping itself, or from the fantastic tp?

    Wow, I never had the chance to ask that until now, Marvo. Thanks for the opportunity. 😉

  2. bidet from europe? Upgrade to Japan….with LCD screen and wireless internet mounted on the wall. More options on how many jets of water!

  3. With toilet paper, I prefer the Costco stuff. I only wish I could have a bidet!

    Say, what’s with the animals in t.p. ads? Like the cartoon bears that go behind the tree…

  4. I may never be the same after reading this post.

    Sliding fingers. Nipple chaffing and the undying image of wiping asses with puppies.

    Therapy was inevitable.

  5. Gigi – I really would like to wipe my ass with Winnie The Pooh.

    Lane O – Oh, cutey wooty puppy nappwing.

    govtdrone – I’m glad the r-r-ridges aren’t r-r-rough.

    Chuck – You can watch past episodes at the NBC website. About the Gravatars, I know they were just bought out by the same guys to who do WordPress, so I think we have to reupload our images or I have to mess with the code.

    Domokun – Tits don’t look good in goggles? I thought tits look good in everything.

    Webmiztris – If he eats it, wouldn’t be ironic that he’s wiping the pooped out toilet paper with toilet paper. Wow, that totally blows my mind.

    Brie – I thought bears drag their asses on the ground to wipe…or grab a nearby bunny.

    Peachy – If only I had a Target, I would try their toilet paper.

    jinhamasaki – That sounds pretty cool, as long as they’re not showing my ass on the LCD screen.

    Lane O – If I wasn’t saving money for a Real Doll, I would totally buy one of those. 😉

    demondoll – Yeah, I find it strange that animal are being used too. Like they have to wipe their ass for anything. To be honest, I don’t think most animals can reach their asses with their limbs.

    Mia – You think you need therapy. I wrote the thing.

    Rylan – Sorry about that.

  6. If you do buy a RealDoll, we demand a review from it. Actually, that company should send you one for free in exchange for a funny review.

  7. Chuck – If they send me one for free, I probably won’t do another review EVER. I’ll just spend all my time with the RealDoll.

    Kate – I wish vegetables had cute puppies on it. I would buy more if they did.

  8. 1) Ok, so this is more than you ever wanted to know, but I find Cottonelle paper leaves…fibers…behind. Even the aloe. You want Charmin with aloe. No fibers & keeps the ‘area’ squeaky clean. Charmin wipes, however, are too thin & your fingers will go right through. Cottonelle wipes are thicker & much preferred. Charmin for paper + Cottonelle wipes = an ass you could eat dinner off of.

    2) Shame on you. I have spent the last 2 hours @ dailypuppy.com & am going to die now from the cuteness.

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