Those moments when I use the Hilary Duff Tooth Tunes toothbrush to clean my choppers are the only times you will ever hear Hilary Duff lyrics come out of my mouth, unless you get me drunk enough at a karaoke bar, but if you get me that drunk, I would pretty much do anything.
Technically, I am not singing the lyrics. The music is coming out of the brush’s head, which plays a two minute clip to encourage the target audience tweens to brush. The particular Hilary Duff song I got the pleasure of listening to every morning and night until the non-replaceable battery dies or until I go batshit insane from bad music and break it in half is called “Wake Up,” which is appropriate in the mornings, but not so much at night, unless you work the graveyard shift somewhere or you’re a prostitute with good oral hygiene.
I had choices when deciding which Tooth Tunes I wanted, but trying to come up with the right song was like trying to choose which type of burning sensation I wanted on my genitals. Actually, I didn’t really know any of the other “artists,” like Corbin Bleu, Jesse McCartney, and Ashley Tisdale. There was a limited selection at the Target I went to and the only names I recognized were Hilary Duff and Vanessa Hudgens, and I only knew Hudgens because there’s a nude picture of her floating around the internet.
After you press the button on the handle to start up the music that little girls love and record executives hope never gets old because it brings in a lot of money, the music plays only when pressure is applied to the bristles. When there isn’t any pressure, the music stops. So in order to hear the full two minutes of the song clip, which for this brush, turned out to be about two minutes twenty seconds, the young users need to be brushing their teeth…or if they’re smart, pull the brush head back with their fingers.
The sound was tinny, just as I expected. After all, it is a disposable toothbrush (Listen to me brush with Tooth Tunes). It was like I was listening to a really bad AM radio station in my mouth.
Because the speaker is in the brush’s head, one way to amplify the music is by opening your mouth while you brush, but if you have saliva glands as active as mine, that is not an option. The best way I found to improve the brush head’s sound is to bite on it, which obviously makes it really hard to brush.
To stick the speaker in the brush’s head, they had to make it fatter, but doing so made it hard for me to reach the outside of my back molars. I have the mouth of an adult, but the mind of a child, so I think the Tooth Tunes’ fat head would probably cause difficulty with those who have both the mouth and mind of a child.
On the packaging, a Dr. Ed McLaren, D.D.S. from the UCLA School of Dentistry says, “I personally use Tooth Tunes because it’s the only toothbrush I’ve seen that makes you really want to brush for 2 minutes. Plus, it encourages better brushing: If you brush well, you get great sound! Tooth Tunes is the best new product in oral care that I have seen in years.”
I call bullshit.
If you’re a dentist, I don’t think shitty pop music should be motivation for you to brush for two minutes. If you’re a dentist, I think the embarrassment of being a dentist with cavities should make you really want to brush for two minutes.
Overall, I think Tooth Tunes is a good concept to
trick motivate children to brush for longer than they do, unless your child has good taste in music. Although paying ten dollars every three months for a new one isn’t so attractive. Also, if children listen to the song twice a day (or three times a day for you anal parents), they might get bored of it pretty quickly.
I have no children, but if I did, I personally would ridicule them into brushing by calling them “stinky mouth” and telling all their friends, relatives, and teachers to also call them “stinky mouth” until they start brushing properly.
I can’t wait to be a parent.
Item: Tooth Tunes Hilary Duff Toothbrush
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good concept to
trick motivate children to brush. Gets my teeth mostly clean. My future parenting skillz.
Cons: Hilary Duff. Can’t swap songs. Hard to brush the back teeth with its fat head. Sound was tinny. Non-replaceable batteries. Non-replaceable brush head. My overactive saliva glands. Dentists who openly admit that they use Tooth Tunes. Not ever getting back the two minutes spent listening to me brush my teeth.