Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars

Paying six dollars for two Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars may seem like a lot of money, but it is one of the ways I can feel like a wealthy asshole.

Some rich pricks buy fast European cars, some purchase houses with hidden dungeons, and others acquire things that should never be gold-plated or diamond-encrusted, like toilets and MP3 players for dogs, but because I lack the funds to purchase a Lamborghini, the Neverland Valley Ranch, or a shiny, anatomically incorrect statue of myself, I’m stuck with bars of soap.

Each Bloq Body Bar is individually wrapped in a box for either your pleasure, convenience, or sanitation. If it is the latter, I totally understand because I hate when non-individually wrapped bars of soap get dirty.

If only there was a product out there that could help me clean those bars of soap. Something that lathers nicely. Something I could conveniently hold in my hands. Something that could easily be rinsed away with water. I don’t know what that product is, but since these bars of soap are individually wrapped, I don’t need to worry about them getting dirty.

Besides being much more expensive than most bars of soap, the Bloq Body Bars come in a non-conforming square shape, which measures 2.75 inches wide and deep and weighs in at 4.5 ounces. Soap bar purists might get upset about its even geometric shape, but I think they would enjoy its light, clean floral scent, which I think is one of the better smelling bars of soap I have ever rubbed across my soft, pudgy naked body.

According to the Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars box, the bars are vegetable based, 99 percent naturally derived, and contain exfoliating jojoba beads. Unfortunately, after looking at its ingredients I couldn’t find any vegetables.

No carrots. No celery. No lettuce. No cabbage. No broccoli. No Keith Richards passed out after a whiskey binge. However, I did find that it contains olea europaea (olive) fruit oil, camellia sinensis (green tea) leaf extract, vitis vinifera (grape) seed oil, butyrospermum parkii (shea butter), and aloe barbadensis (aloe vera) leaf juice.

I’ve been using a bar of it every day for more than a month (without masturbation) and it’s still got some life left in it for many more rendezvous with my hairy naked body that makes babies cry, scientists claim they’ve found Bigfoot, and makes dogs want to hump my leg. But when the dogs do hump my leg, at least I’ll smell good thanks to this Bloq Body Bar.

Item: Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars
Price: $5.99 (2 bars)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice, light, and clean floral scent. 99 percent naturally derived. Lasts a while. A anatomically incorrect gold statue of myself. Feeling like a wealthy asshole.
Cons: Pricey for just two bars of soap. Being a wealthy asshole. Square bars may make soap bar purists upset. Being in the Neverland Valley Ranch dungeon. Keith Richards after a heroin binge. No vegetables.

Are you illiterate? Listen to this review. Oh wait, if you’re illiterate, you probably can’t read this either.

18 thoughts on “Method Pure Minimalist Water Flower Bloq Body Bars

  1. I think for a complete review, you should go “above and beyond” and describe how well this bar holds up during masturbation.

    Actually the price doesn’t sound terrible. I’ve seen some fancy soap bars made with cologne that were a lot pricier.

  2. stephanie – I do. If they came out with Method biodegradable condoms, I would totally buy them, and not ever get a chance to use them.

    Chuck – Don’t give readers ideas. They may ask for a video of that. :-)

  3. I listened to your podcast for the first time after I read this review. You have a really nice speaking voice, and your podcast sounds really professional.

  4. chibimagic – Thanks for the compliments. For this review, I switched to a better microphone. I previously used my laptop’s microphone, but it just didn’t sound good. So all the previous podcast episodes sound like crap.

  5. You’re so illiterate, you can’t even see me.

    Anyway, why would you want a Lamborghini…all the cool kids want a Spyker now. Wouldn’t you want to watch your very own being hand-built over the course of a year?

  6. I’ve never used method products because I prefer to feel like a rich bastard in other ways (like supersizing my value meal). Is it worth the extra money?

  7. The rest of the review was good, but I’m still stuck on the MP3 players for dogs thing. I mean… seriously, what?

  8. I wish the podcast had harp music playing in the background. Can you make that happen?

    I played it for my dog and he really enjoyed it.

  9. *Sigh* Marvo listening to you read this was almost like soft porn… I shall add this to the Stalk.. er.. I mean Fan collection.
    I might actually try this soap as I love method products and you made this one sound very attractive to me.. Hee hee I can use the same stuff been rubbed all over you!(wanna send me the rest of that bar?? you wont even have to scrape the stray hairs off it!!)

  10. Oh, and Marvo, I wouldn’t worry about being trapped in the Neverland Dungeon. All the restraints there are designed to hold ten year olds, so you’d be too big to fit in any of them.

  11. Domokun – I just like cars that are significantly shorter than me.

    Shannon – No, I just feel clean. I feel pretty when I do my nails.

    Karen – I also try to feel like a rich bastard by ask for double meat at Subway.

    Gabs – People who buy MP3 players for their dogs, probably use five dollar bills as toilet paper.

    Susu – I could, but harps make me sleepy.

    liz – I’ll eventually get better. :-)

    Pastora – Yeah, I’m not even going to try to pronounce those names. I already have a hard time speaking as is.

    demondoll – Yes, they do. I even have the omop, which I’m hoping to review someday. I’m such a fanboy.

    bikerbabeee – I can add heaving breathing in between paragraphs for you.

    Chuck – Sadly, I have the arms of a ten year old.

    FatYoli – I already butcher the English language, so I didn’t think it would be right to pronounce any of those names.

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