Spearmint Pure Mints

Written by | July 30, 2008

Topics: 5 Rating, Mints, Personal

I never thought a company would make a product specifically for vain douchebags, but the Spearmint Pure Mints with its included mirror under the lid seems like it’s perfect for those who like fresh breath and enjoy looking at themselves in the mirror while admiring their perceived awesomeness.

(Editor’s Note: These Pure Mints are not related in anyway with Meltzer’s Puremints.)

If you drive a Porsche convertible with the license plate that says MYRIDE, you are a douchebag and these mints might be perfect for you. If you go around in the middle of the night and blast rap music from your tricked out 1985 Toyota Tercel hatchback from some shitty rapper who only raps about how awesome he is, you are a douchebag and these mints might be meant for you. If your name starts with an S and ends with a pencer Pratt or starts with an H and ends with eidi Montag and you charge thousands of dollars to show up at some club, you are a douchebag and I hope you choke on these mints.

There really isn’t anything special about the Spearmint Pure Mints themselves. Each mint is quite small, which is something I don’t like because I feel that I need to take more than one to freshen my breath. To give you an idea of how small they are, it would take three or four of them to equal the mass of one curiously-strong Altoid. I also didn’t like how minty they were. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being a slap to the face and 1 being a tickling of my beard, these mints were a 5.

The only thing the Spearmint Pure Mints have going for themselves is the mirror under the mint tin’s lid. Unfortunately, the mirror is small, so if you’re a really big douchebag, you won’t be able to see much in it since your ego is probably taking most of the space. Even at arms length, I couldn’t see my entire face. It’s so ineffective that it probably won’t do you any good if you’re doing something practical like trying to put on makeup or signaling someone using Morse code. I think the mirror is only good for looking to see if you have something in between your teeth or a booger hanging out of your nose.

Besides douchebags, I’m not sure if the Spearmint Pure Mints would be appropriate for others. The one thing I know for sure is that if you’re a douchebag wanting to cover the stank of douchebagness, these mints won’t do it, because a douchebag with fresh breath is still a douchebag.

Item: Spearmint Pure Mints
Price: $1.48
Size: 0.28 ounces
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: There’s a mutha fuckin’ mirror inside. Mints were average. Sugar-free.
Cons: Mints are small. Mirror is really small for big douchebags. Not curiously-strong. Meant for douchebags. Douchebag vanity license plates. Douchebag rap lyrics.






18 Comments For This Post I'd Love to Hear Yours!

  1. Armauld says:

    FIRST!!!!!

  2. Armauld says:

    Does my previous comment make me enough of a douchebag for these mints?

  3. Marvo says:

    @Armauld – THIRD!!! No.

  4. Sass says:

    **If your name starts with an S and ends with a pencer Pratt or starts with an H and ends with eidi Montag and you charge thousands of dollars to show up at some club, you are a douchebag and I hope you choke on these mints.**

    LMAO!!!!!!!!

  5. mka says:

    i’m pretty sure this is also angled towards cocaine enthusiasts who, coincidentally, share a large overlap with the aforementioned “vain douchebags” group.
    HAHA GET IT IT’S PURE.
    dear lord

  6. Alisha says:

    Marvo, you have nice soft girly looking hands. No hairy palms yet, huh?

  7. Peachy says:

    My ’95 Tercel isn’t tricked out and I like to blast ABBA. That is all.

  8. dramastically says:

    There’s a ton of mints out there with mirrors in the tin. But this is the only one I’m aware of that’s not marketed for GIRLS. So I guess girly stuff marketed for guys automatically makes them douchebag-friendly.

  9. Laurac says:

    See, to me the best part about these is the teensy “Mirror Inside” on the front of the tin.

    “Oh these mints look very nice and minty, but I’m not sure about spending a buck fif…OH A MIRROR INSIDE WOW! I must have them!”

    Actually I can see myself doing that. Poop.

  10. Chuck says:

    Maybe in a future version they’ll include some kind of unisex makeup, to get better usage out of the mirror.

  11. Marvo says:

    @Sass – I would give someone five bucks to make that happen, maybe even ten.

    @mka – Actually, I could see this tin holding some Colombian Gold.

    @Alisha – I shave them everyday and I don’t shake any hands because they’ll feel the stubble.

    @Peachy – YES! Stock speakers!

    @dramastically – These are the only ones I’ve seen. Maybe I repel mints with mirrors inside that are marketed towards girls.

    @Laurac – I’m like that with every single product.

    @Chuck – Unisex makeup exists and it makes me look fa-bu-lous.

  12. Kylie says:

    I have a good friend his kind of a douchebag. I should get these for him! Especially since he occasionally has some pretty rank breath.

  13. Domokun says:

    Guess someone in Spearmint’s marketing department was about to lose their jobby job.

    “Huh, I need a product in 5 minutes? How about some mints in a black tin? Mirror inside? Why not…The name? Uh…space some sound-good letters together there you go!”

  14. luckinflux says:

    Seems like there’s a whole lot of douchbaggery going on around here.

  15. SheRa says:

    I love that the tin lets you know that there’s a mirror inside! (Seems like it would get dusty with the mint dust on it, though). As a female, I must admit that I’ve also never seen a tin of mints with a mirror in it – or even a surface vaguely reflective enough to assist me in my lipstick application.

  16. rlr260 says:

    Meh, I’m an Altoid woman myself. I already know what I look like.

  17. Marvo says:

    @Kylie – You should really just give him a douche bag.

    @Domokun – Maybe that person will end up at a cosmetics company instead since they like mirrors and black packaging.

    @luckinflux – Yes, I started it.

    @SheRa – If it didn’t say that, they probably wouldn’t have sold many of them.

    @rlr260 – Are you curiously strong as well?

  18. actinglikeicare says:

    Someone at our office had these and we, too, were trying to figure out why. Here’s a thought someone else brought up… what can be pure, white and uses a mirror. Hmmm…. Maybe this tin has a dual purpose after the mints are gone.