REVIEW: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers

I’ve been trying to figure out who Burger King, with their BK Burger Shots, and Jack in the Box, with their new Mini Sirloin Burgers, are targeting with their smaller sandwiches.  I don’t think it’s the penny-pinching crowd since the cost, combined mass and nutritional value of the mini burgers are somewhat equivalent to a regular sized burger. After thinking about it for a time equivalent to the time it takes for one to come up with an idea, I came to the conclusion that these mini burgers are meant for babies and their psychotic mothers who want to live vicariously through their child’s successes.

In this day and age of baby pageants, the pressure is on for babies to be their cutsy-woosy-est.  You know what makes a baby cute? Baby fat. Babies with chiseled faces and sculpted abs are just plain creepy. The more fat your baby looks, the cuter they will be.  Chubby cheeks attract pinches from aunts, untranslatable baby babbling from adults and good marks from baby pageant judges.  Maintaining that baby fat is going to take more than anything Gerber can provide in purée form and that’s where these mini burgers come in handy.

The Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers consist of three mini burgers with sirloin patties topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun. Each burger is roughly 2.5 inches in diameter and 2.5 inches tall, thanks to the quality bun and the thick sirloin patty. Its size is just about right for the mouth and appetite of a baby. A BK Burger Shot is smaller and will fit into a baby’s mouth much better, but the Mini Sirloin Burger definitely looks much more appetizing.

The use of the sirloin patty was a good touch because it gave the burgers a nice slightly peppery taste and more calories, sodium and carbohydrates than the BK Burger Shots, which will help keep babies plump and cute, because a fat happy is a happy baby…that can steal the hearts of judges. The grilled onions in the burger were quite noticeable, which added a nice flavor to go along with the sirloin patty, cheese and ketchup, but will cause bad marks on scorecards if the baby’s bad onion breath isn’t taken care of before the competition.

Overall, I liked the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers and thought they were much better tasting than the BK Burger Shots. I think the use of sirloin patties made the difference. I also think they are a great way to ensure babies look their cutest for baby pageants. So if you’re a wrong-minded mother who wants to put their young son or daughter (but hopefully daughter, because there aren’t beauty pageants for boys) through a possibly psychologically damaging competition, the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers are all you need to keep your kid doughy cute.

And if you’re entering a daughter, winning baby pageants can lead to child pageants, then teen pageants, then beauty pageants and then years of therapy and/or a possible pictorial spread in Playboy for your child.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 mini burgers – 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burgers
Price: $3.99
Size: 3-pack
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good tasting burgers. Will help keep babies fat and cute. Definitely better than the BK Burger Shots. Just fits into a baby’s mouth. Quality bun. High in protein. Thick sirloin patty. 3 grams of fiber. Winning baby pageants.
Cons: They maybe small in size, but all three burgers combined have a lot of calories, saturated fat, and sodium. Not cost efficient. Pack of three makes it hard to equally share with another person, unless you’re willing to fight over the third burger. Mothers who live vicariously through their children. Losing points for bad baby’ breath. Years of therapy.

NEWS: New Special K Protein Shakes May Prove Once and For All That Women Do Fart

Whenever I think of a protein shake, I think of those HUGE canisters of protein shake mix my old roommate used to buy from GNC to gain muscle. They came in different flavors, like chocolate and strawberry. I’m not sure how the protein shake mix worked, but I assume he gained muscle by lifting that HUGE container all the time. But I do know that soon after he made a protein shake the apartment began to reek of farts.

The Kellogg’s Special K Protein Shake takes the mixing out of the protein shake mix and is a dainty ready-to-drink protein shake for, I can only assume, women or people who like to fart. Actually, I don’t know if this product causes farting like the GNC protein shake mix does, but if it does, it will prove once and for all that women do fart, which I didn’t think they did.

The Kellogg’s Special K Protein Shake comes in three flavors: French vanilla, strawberry and milk chocolate. Each shake has around 180 calories, 5 grams of fat, 29 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein and a whole lot of vitamins and minerals.

(NOTE: Yum Yucky reviewed them.

NEWS: Jack in the Box Debuts Mini Sirloin Burgers and Joins Burger King, Krystal and Ruby Tuesday on White Castle’s Shitlist

Jack, who recently recovered from being hit by a bus, introduced today his new Mini Sirloin Burgers, which follows Burger King’s recent entry into the mini burger/copy ideas from another fast food franchise arena, the BK Burger Shots. The new menu item is made up of three mini sirloin burgers topped with American cheese, grilled onions and ketchup in between a sweet mini bun.

A 3-pack of Jack in the Box’s Mini Sirloin Burgers has 748 calories, 29 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1606 milligrams of sodium, 77 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 20 grams of sugar and 42 grams of protein.

It will be available at participating Jack in the Box restaurants for $3.89 (or probably significantly more if you live on a rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean).

Update: Read our review of the Jack in the Box Mini Sirloin Burger here

REVIEW: Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream

Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger

When I’m faced with a fork in the road, I take the path that’s less traveled because I like a little adventure in my life and I don’t like the sloppy seconds I’d get with the other, well-used road. I could’ve purchased a normal, safe flavor in new Haagen-Dazs Five Ice Cream line, like vanilla bean, milk chocolate, mint or coffee, but I decided to go with the most unconventional (i.e. f’ed up) flavor instead — ginger.

What makes the new Haagen-Dazs Five Ice Cream line so special is that it contains only five ingredients — milk, cream, eggs, sugar and ginger.

I guess the love they put into it isn’t considered an ingredient.

Since it already contains sugar and spice, all Haagen-Dazs needs is everything nice and some Chemical X and they can probably make their own Powerpuff Girl. They can name her Beauty, if she turns out beautiful, or Bonbon, if she turns out fat.

Much like you don’t expect quality, wholesome programming that stars people you don’t want to punch in the face from MTV, you probably don’t expect a confectionary company to make a ginger-flavored ice cream. It doesn’t seem right because, like beer and Japanese tentacle rape porn, ginger is an acquired taste. And that taste is something I have yet to truly acquire, which I know for a fact because the gag reflexes tell me so. I don’t like ginger snaps, ginger ale or the pickled ginger that comes with my sushi, but I do think redheads are frickin’ hot.

While I do not care for the taste of ginger, for some reason I enjoyed mild ginger flavor of the Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream. Although the first time I tried it, I did something that every valley girl is very familiar with — I gagged myself with a spoon.

The very first taste was a little harsh, but I quickly got over it. I could definitely taste and smell the ginger, and there were even small bits of ginger mixed in with the ice cream, but for some reason the other four ingredients made it extremely palatable. I think the reason why enjoyed the flavor was because after the initial ginger, the flavor kind of reminded me of egg nog, which I love and is the cause of my inflated manboobs during holiday season.

The texture of the Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream wasn’t as creamy as their regular ice cream, which was disappointing. It does have less fat than regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream, but eating a whole pint by yourself in one sitting while getting over a breakup won’t make it seem less like a cliched scene from a romantic comedy.

Overall, I was surprised I enjoyed it, but I was hoping the ginger in it could do a little more, since it’s known as an effective way to treat nausea. It didn’t work when I felt nauseous while watching vile, meaningless programming that stars people I want to punch in the face on MTV, so I don’t think it will work after a rough boat ride.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 230 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 50 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

(Note: Freezer Burns reviews all the flavors. Gigi reviewed the safe mint and brown sugar flavors, while On Second Scoop reviewed the safe milk chocolate and brown sugar.)

Item: Haagen-Dazs Five Ginger Ice Cream
Price: $4.49
Size: 14 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly pleasant taste. It kind of tastes like egg nog. Less fat than regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Contains five all-natural ingredients. Being adventurous and taking the road less traveled. Redheads.
Cons: If you don’t like ginger, you probably won’t like this. Not as creamy as regular Haagen-Dazs ice cream. Will still make you fat. The vile, meaningless programming that stars people I want to punch in the face on MTV. Sloppy seconds.