REVIEW: Bawls Guarana G33K B33R

Aww shit! Bawls Guarana G33K B33R is here.
Raise your bumped glass bottle and cheer.
If you’re with a friend, make your bottles clink.
It takes a real geek to handle this drink.

[Interlude 1]
How do you know if you’re a real geek? Well here’s a little test.
Let’s see if you answer any of the questions with a “yes.”

Do you talk trash to 12-year-olds while in Halo combat?
Can you recite Jabba the Hutt’s lines at a drop of a hat?
Do you open up MS-DOS on a 486 to reminisce?
Does construction with Legos give you orgasmic bliss?
Do you have every episode of BattleBots on VHS tapes?
Does your closet contain Batman’s utility belt and cape?
Does your computer case glow with colored LED lights?
Do you download shit thru BitTorrent by the gigabytes?
Do you subscribe and read Slashdot’s RSS feed?
Do you dress up in cosplay before you do the deed?

[Interlude 2]
You don’t do any of those things? Shhhhiiiit.
Well here are a few others G33K B33R is meant for.

Does the name “Caprica” make your naughty parts tingle?
Can you play on your wind instrument the X-Files jingle?
When you roll, do you only do it with a 12-sided die?
Did the trailer for the G.I. Joe movie make you cry?
Do you get hard playing Risk when you takeover lands?
Can you display the Vulcan salute with both hands?
In Borders, do you flip through books with dragons on the cover?
Did someone break up with you because you’re a WoW lover?
Do you call the Lord of the Rings toys on your shelf figurines?
Does Lara Croft sometimes end up in your wet dreams?

[Interlude 3]
Nothing?
Well then, maybe G33K B33R isn’t for you.
So here’s what you’re missing.

The caffeine in Bawls G33K B33R makes it like root beer on ‘roid
I like this tasty beverage as much as Michael Jackson loves little boys.
It gives me a kick but not as hard as other energy drinks I’ve tried.
The high fructose corn syrup it contains makes me sad inside.
Its low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache.
Bawls Guarana G33K B33R makes cheap root beers taste like ass.
It’s got a little bite, but no bitterness from the guarana can be found.
Cuz it’s only ten ounces I can’t pour one out when a homie goes down.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 130 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams potassium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 36 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

(Here are a few other reviews from Canned Reviews, Ed Junkie and Taurine Rules.)

Item: Bawls G33K B33R
Price: FREE
Size: 10 ounces
Purchased at: Sent by Twitter pal Jokeyhaha
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty root beer flavor. Low carbonation makes it easy to drink and doesn’t tickle my ‘stache. No bitterness from guarana. Bottle looks like a sex toy. Trailer for G.I. Joe movie. BattleBots.
Cons: Didn’t give me a kick as hard as other energy drinks. Contains only 10 ounces. High fructose corn syrup. Bottle looks like a sex toy.

15 thoughts on “REVIEW: Bawls Guarana G33K B33R

  1. I can indeed do the double Vulcan salute. I think that was about it for your list though.

    I remember liking the low calorie Bawls but I haven’t had one in ages. I agree regular sugar would be better in this one.

  2. Dammit, half of these things apply to me! 🙁

    Hey Marvo! Recently I was in the store with my roommate, and she was asking me about a product that you had reviewed… I confidently told her what you had said about it, and thought, “Damn, Marvo’s reviews come in handy!”

  3. Thankfully none of those things apply to me, but I do like the fact that the bottle does look like a sex toy, sadly it is also unfortunate that the bottle looks like a sex toy. Has confused feelings about the bottle*

  4. I think the bottle alone deserves a Flavor Flav-esque WOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!! Just for looking like a sex toy, hmm I doubt whoever came up with the design has much discipline, I do however like the name, it’s got a nice ring to it, very ballsy.

  5. @skibs: I think because not many people know what L337 means. ::searches on Urban Dictionary::

    @Chuck: I found original Bawls at Target, but when I went back they didn’t have anymore. I really do like Bawls and I wish the 7-Eleven down the street carried it.

    @Heidi: I think having most of these items apply to you is a good thing. Don’t hold back your inner geek! Be proud! It’s good to know that I make a difference in the world. Right now, I feel like Oprah.

    @Woodenhand: It’s about 2.25 inches in diameter so I don’t know if it would make for a pleasurable sex toy for most. Octomom…yes. Everyone else, not so much.

    @Villian was born like this: I’m a fan of most things with the word Bawls in it, cuz I gotta represent my gender.

  6. I love your website! So interesting and funny. I feel like this song belongs on a Weird Al Yankovic album.
    Thankfully, it was still a 0 on my mental tally.

  7. I really don’t think calling a beverage Bawls is very good marketing. When I think thrist quenching and energizing I do not think of Balls.

  8. @Lisa Simpson: Are you THE Lisa Simpson? If so, that’s so cool. If not, that must suck for you because everyone thinks you’re the Lisa Simpson.

    @brad: Are we talking XBox 360 next-gen or Playstation 3 next-gen?

    @grinder: I agree with your statement, but my balls don’t.

    @Ryandog: Good taste, indeed.

    @NobleArc, The Lazy Canadian: Oh, you will like it. And if you don’t like it…PARTY AT YOUR PLACE!!!

    @Dono: Thank you for finding that. I blame the B33R in G33K B33R.

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