REVIEW: Chocolate Cheerios

Are you a young homie trying to impress a young hottie?

Pushing her to the ground or teasing her are first grade tactics and ain’t going to work. I’ve got a third grade solution for you — necklaces.

You know they work because you’ve seen your daddy give your mommy necklaces all the time. He purchases one for Valentine’s Day, their wedding anniversary and after they end up on either Maury and Cheaters. Now you can’t afford the necklaces your daddy buys your mommy because you don’t have an allowance, which probably happened because your daddy buys so many necklaces. So I’m gonna teach all you young homies a cheap way to make your own necklace using the new Chocolate Cheerios.

Why Chocolate Cheerios and not the regular stuff or Honey Nut Cheerios? Well I think it’s one of the better tasting and sweeter Cheerios varieties and using the other stuff will make you look cheap. Also, if you use the good stuff, you can use the line, “I want to give something sweet to someone sweet.” I guarantee that line will get her to share her applesauce with you in the school cafeteria. You can’t pull that shit off with regular bland Cheerios or the not as sweet Honey Nut Cheerios.

In order to make the necklace, you’re going to need a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios and about two feet of thread. If you don’t know how long two feet is, ask your mommy or daddy to cut the piece of thread for you. If your mommy and daddy are having make up sex after he gave her a necklace, use the Chocolate Cheerios box to measure the length since it’s about one foot high.

Try to clean the table before you start, but if you can’t, don’t worry about it since you won’t be eating the cereal anyway. Lay the string on a table and start adding Cheerios to it. Alternate the different colors and she’ll know you put some thought into it. Once you’ve covered the entire string with Chocolate Cheerios, tie the two ends together and you’re done. Pour yourself a bowl of Chocolate Cheerios to celebrate, or if your parents are having make up sex, to feed yourself because they’ll be awhile.

Chocolate Cheerios isn’t quite as sweet as chocolate-flavored children’s cereals, but it does have a decent level of chocolate flavor, thanks to the fact that it’s made with real cocoa. Actually, its chocolatey-ness is exactly where I expected it to be since it’s a health conscious Cheerios product. But if it were any sweeter, I’d expect to see a cartoon character printed on the front of the box, some kind of puzzle on the back and it would be popular with 35-year-old virgins who live in their parents’ basements. I was surprised by how much I enjoyed it, but I was more surprised by the chocolatey milk that was left after eating the cereal, which tasted like something that only Cocoa Puffs could leave behind. I have to say that Chocolate Cheerios is my favorite Cheerios variety.

If the young hottie rejects you, but keeps the necklace, an 11.25 ounce box of Chocolate Cheerios can easily make several necklaces, as long as you don’t eat the entire box within three days like I have. If you need another line when you present it to the next hottie, you can use, “I got a neck-lace for your pretty face.”

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup without milk – 100 calories, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 13 grams of other carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein and a bevy of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Chocolate Cheerios
Price: $3.99
Size: 11.25 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: The best tasting variety of Cheerios. Made with real cocoa. Creates a chocolatey milk. Makes a nice necklace to impress a hottie. Fortified with vitamins and minerals. Made with whole grains. 100 calories per serving. May reduce the risk of heart disease, unless you eat it with lard.
Cons: Needs to come in a bigger box. Only 1 gram of dietary fiber. Pushing or teasing a hottie to get her attention. Ending up on Maury or Cheaters.

13 thoughts to “REVIEW: Chocolate Cheerios”

  1. I just got a box of these yesterday and had some for breakfast this morning. Loved it! Of course, I’m also a fan of the honey nut (which I somehow always forget when I’m buying cereal, so I never actually have it these days) and chocolate cereal in general, so I figured this would be right up my alley. Mmm tasty.

  2. As junk cereals go, this isn’t bad on the calorie front. I actually love plain Cheerios, but like all cereal, I’m hungry two hours after I eat it for breakfast. :-p

  3. @rodzilla: I’d mix it with Cocoa Puffs, Cocoa Pebbles and Hershey’s Kisses, and then get knocked into a sugar coma.

    @Chuck: They’re Gr-r-reat!!! Oh wait, wrong cereal company and cereal.

    @Zac Pritcher: Yeah, I holla at my boyz…I have no idea what I just said.

    @Dr. Brushy: Don’t be curious. Give in to your desires to eat a breakfast cereal.

    @Gabs: I enjoy Honey Nut Cheerios too, but these kick them to the curb and then run them over with a Toyota Camry that can’t stop.

    @amanda: You will check them out. You will enjoy them. You will do what ever I say. You will write “Marvo is awesome” in lipstick on the mirror in the next shopping mall restroom you enter. 🙂

    @Kayla: I don’t see my cereal because I eat them while blindfolded…with chopsticks.

    @Orchid64: I know why you’re hungry soon after, because Cheerios is part of a complete breakfast. You’re missing the toast, orange juice, eggs and bacon, and bottle of Lipovitan.

    @JamieSusan: My twin sister is telling me telepathically that you and I are probably not. 🙂

  4. I have been eating chocolate cheerios since they came out. I really liked them. I recently
    purchased 4 boxes at our local Kroger store. I did not notice that the box had gluten
    free on the box. I tried to eat them and thought that something was wrong. I threw them
    out. I examined the box and discovered the gluten free notice. I took them back to the store and they informed me that chocolate cherrios had always been gluten free. I left them at
    the store. I would like to know where I can purchase regular chocolate cheerios.

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