NEWS: New Vitaminwater Stur-D Will Help Bones But Break Merriam-Webster’s Heart

Hey! Have you been waiting for a new Vitaminwater flavor with a name that looks like it was created by someone whose ability to spell is just a tad higher than a bird pecking at a keyboard? Well your wait is almost over because you’ll soon get to enjoy Vitaminwater Stur-D.

The blue-colored Stur-D will be blue agave, passion fruit and citrus flavored and it will be the first Vitaminwater flavor to include fruit juice, although it will be made with only 5 percent juice.

The latest flavor gets its name because each serving contains 10 percent of the daily value for vitamin D and calcium, which help support strong bones, and it also has 120 percent of the daily value for vitamin C, which helps the body make collagen, which is needed to support joints. It also contains 40 percent of the daily value of vitamins B3, B5, B6 and B12, which helps the Nutrition Facts label on it look a little longer.

Vitaminwater Stur-D will retail for $1.49 and be available in December.

REVIEW: TRESemme Fresh Start Dry Shampoo

TRESemme Fresh Start Dry Shampoo

Welcome to my first non-food-related review! In this post, I’ll be putting chemicals into my hair instead of my stomach.

I happened to notice TRESemme’s new Fresh Start line via a commercial that caught my attention due to several lines that were said about the product. To give you a bit of context, the point of Fresh Start products is to make your hair look like you washed it when you really haven’t. We’ve all had those days – your groggy brain hits the “off” button instead of “sleep” on your alarm clock, and something in your brain tells you to wake up ten minutes before you’re supposed to be at work. You race around frantically, culling your list of usual morning rituals down to deodorant, teeth-brushing and making sure you don’t make the classic nightmare scenario of going to work with no pants on a reality. The whole shower thing is out of the question; at this point you’re just trying to get to work on time before you get fired for excessive tardiness. Perhaps you should invest in a Clocky.

According to the commercial, women are deeply ashamed of second-day hair. They will swathe themselves in scarves and hang their heads in shame. I have never had anyone comment on my second-day hair, probably because a.) nobody notices or cares, b.) everyone has done it at some point, and c.) most people know that that would be intrusive and rude. Also, instead of hanging my head in shame, I’d probably just say “fuck you, I woke up late”, and that would be that.

But TRESemme obviously feels differently about this. So they created a dry shampoo for your “going hobo” days (as it is referred to in my household). According to them, “Fresh Start dry shampoo for oily and straight hair uses a mineral clay and citrus formula that removes oil and odor while injecting volume…getting refreshed, full-bodied hair has never been so simple.” They also go on to say that you can get “salon healthy hair on the days you skip without the salon price.” This sentence confuses me. Are they implying that most women go to the salon every day before work? That is crazy. The only women who would possibly do that are incredibly rich and don’t have to be anywhere to begin with. TRESemme, you crazy.

TRESemme offers products for both oily, straight hair and curly, dry hair. I chose the former because I am an oily motherfucker. I feel odd describing my hair in such detail on the Internet, but I suppose it’s necessary for the context of this review. My hair is straight and has been long enough to reach my waist for almost my entire life. I used to live 20 minutes from the Pacific Ocean, and the humidity brought out my natural oiliness so much that I really couldn’t afford to go hobo, because my hair was greasy within 24 hours of washing. Then I moved to the desert, and my oil levels seem to have gone down to “normal people” levels, so I can go a day without washing my hair, but that’s about it.

Oh, and I also have never used products on my hair, my hair is not dyed, and I let my hair air-dry every day, so it’s pretty much a blank slate on which to experiment. Most guys probably take more time doing their hair than I do.

I was intrigued by this product, so I decided to see how well it actually works. I decided to perform an experiment: how many days, if any, could I get away with JUST using Fresh Start Dry Shampoo? How long would it work? Would all my hair fall out? I will now answer these questions by documenting my process. I have devised a 0-10 system, 0 being “fresh out of the shower” and 10 being “I have the flu and have been bedbound for two weeks with no bathing”. Let’s get started.

Day One
Before shampoo oily/dirty factor: 2
After shampoo oily/dirty factor: Uh…2?

I want to interject something before I even say anything else: DO NOT USE TRESEMME FRESH START DRY SHAMPOO IF YOU ARE AN ASTHMATIC OR HAVE ANY PULMINARY ISSUES. Read on to see why, if you haven’t already figured it out.

Okay so my hair didn’t feel that much different after spraying. I thought maybe I hadn’t sprayed enough on, so I decided to try it again. Recalling memories of watching my mom hose her hair down with hair spray, I attempted to emulate her motions, and sprayed far more vigorously the second time.

Oh. My god. First of all, Fresh Start Dry Shampoo has a VERY strong odor to it, like a mix between hair spray and a really strong perfume. I am allergic to perfume. Second of all, I should have thought to hold my breath, but it wouldn’t have mattered, because a cloying cloud of dry shampoo hung over the sink of my bathroom well after I was done spraying.. I had to stumble out, choking, and actually needed to use my rescue inhaler. I considered stopping this project right then and there, but I only plan on doing this for a few more days, and I’d already done it once, so I figured I’ll stick with it.

All that said, after the second dousing, I got a vision in the mirror of what my hair will look like in about 30 years. There were streaks of grey in it from the shampoo. I let it sit for the recommended 1-2 minutes and then brushed it out, which turned out to be a little harder than I thought since I’d sprayed a pretty high concentration of it in some places. Ladies, if your co-workers don’t notice the strong odor emanating off your head, they probably will notice the sudden grey in your locks. Somebody’s gonna piece it together and figure out you didn’t shower today!

Day One, after shampoo oily/dirty factor (take two): 0

TRESemme may wind up killing me, but I’ll go out with people thinking I’d washed my hair today. I discovered that you have to give it a few minutes, but after that, my hair really didn’t feel oily at all, and there was a noticeable fluff to it that it was lacking beforehand.

TRESemme wins day one in the hair department, loses in the “I can breathe” department. We shall see how things go on day two.

Day Two
Before shampoo oily/dirty factor: 3
After shampoo oily/dirty factor: 2

I remembered to hold my breath this time, which helped things immensely. I also got shampoo spray all over my shirt and hands. I was pretty amazed at how long the shampoo held out from yesterday. I noticed a diminish in returns on day two, but I still felt like I could get away with going to work in a professional environment. I felt like my hair had a strange texture, though, like it was a little oily but dry at the same time. I wonder if Fresh Start Dry Shampoo is actually a desiccant. I understand that the powder is supposed to soak up and wick away the oils, but the idea that my hair is being treated like a bag of beef jerky is disturbing.

Day Three
Before shampoo oily/dirty factor: 6
After shampoo oily/dirty factor: Data not available

I decided to end my experiment on day three because my hair was getting pretty oily and yet the texture was still like hay. The build-up of powder was enough that I could actually feel it on my hands when I touched my hair. It brought back memories of a very traumatic time in my life. I spent a week with friends at a beach house after I graduated high school. I thought it would be a great idea to dye my hair with a temporary black-with-blue undertones dye. I have blonde hair. This all turned out to be a very bad idea, since instead of being black, it turned my hair bright blue. At the end of the week, I was starting a job at a very large amusement park with a very strict dress code, and blue hair wasn’t exactly on the list. So I had to cover the temporary dye with permanent black dye. My mother did not talk to me for days. Eventually, she dragged me to the salon. Three days and 16 hours later, my hair was blonde again, but it had the texture of hay and I couldn’t even get a brush through it. I cried. That is how my hair felt on day three, and I didn’t like remembering those days.

So, I took a shower. It was the best shower ever. I got my real hair back!

So what’s the verdict? TRESemme never explicitly says that this product is only to be used for one day, but I think they convey that idea pretty well in the commercial. You can’t use Fresh Start Dry Shampoo forever. So, judging on day one’s results, the shampoo does its job, but it makes the texture of your hair kind of freaky. Plus, it’s strongly scented, can give you an asthma attack, gets everywhere, and can leave grey streaks in your hair if you aren’t careful. Personally, I’d rather just go hobo, but if you’re dead serious about having “shower fresh” hair, I guess it accomplishes that pretty well in the end.

Oh, and one last word of caution: don’t smoke while using this product!

TRESemme Fresh Start Dry Shampoo Flammable

Item: TRESemme Fresh Start Dry Shampoo
Price: $5.29
Size: 5.7 ounces
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Does make second-day hair look refreshed. Will reduce shame in women with second-day hair concerns. Clocky. Easy to use and faster than a shower. Getting to see what my old woman hair will look like.
Cons: Very strong smell. Can get everywhere if you’re not careful. Feeling like beef jerky. Will irritate sensitive lungs if inhaled. Traumatic salon memories. Will leave grey streaks if you don’t brush it out enough. Creepy hay hair feeling.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 10/16/2010

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs we follow.

If you ever take the time to deeply examine the clusterfuck known as the Jack in the Box menu board, you will find a grilled cheese sandwich, bacon cheddar potato wedges, mini churros and egg rolls. (via An Immovable Feast)

I’m disappointed this Colgate Halloween toothpaste doesn’t glow in the dark, because if my teeth can’t be glowing white because of my diet cola addiction, I’d like them to, at least, just glow. (via The Surfing Pizza)

Caramel Apple Hershey’s Kisses sound good, but I prefer the real thing because the apple will keep the doctor away and slapping it on my forehead will make me feel like a unicorn. (via Sugar Pressure)

250 milligrams of caffeine will increase your heart rate. But 250 grams of caffeine will make your heart explode. Okay, actually, only one gram will make your heart explode. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

Pop-Tarts with gingerbread men imprinted on them are nice, but I’d really like to see a dark chocolate one with a frosting imprint of Han Solo frozen in carbonite. (via Awful Food)

REVIEW: Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes

Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes

The new place I moved into doesn’t have a conventional oven. I knew it wasn’t going to have one, but I didn’t think I would mind. However, it turns out I kind of miss having one.

Because without an oven, I can’t heat frozen pizzas, make casseroles or make big batches of cookies, brownies and crystal meth.

But I also kind of don’t miss having an oven.

When I had one, I had to wait for it to preheat, clean it regularly with Easy-Off and live with the fear of big batches of crystal meth causing a huge explosion.

Thank Spencer for the microwave oven and its ability to heat the water molecules in food. And thank Marie Callender’s for their new Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes because now I can serve a lasagna meal for two to four people without a conventional oven and the phosphine flavor the lasagna would have if that conventional oven was part of a meth lab.

According to the box, the Marie Callender’s lasagna contains, “freshly made noodles layered with white meat chicken, crimini mushrooms, spinach and real ricotta cheese.”

Preparing the lasagna involves sticking it in the microwave oven for 13 to 15 minutes, which is probably the longest wait I’ve ever had for a microwaveable meal.

Now some of you might be wondering about the effects of exposing the lasagna to radiation for an amount of time that equals an episode of Robot Chicken with commercials. Well don’t fret, my friend, because it comes in a magical baking tray that bakes evenly, won’t cause burnt corners and won’t cause the lasagna to explode like an overheated meth mixture in a conventional oven.

Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes Tray

For something that was nuked for 15 minutes in a microwave, the lasagna turned out pretty good, except for one very small section that had some tough, dried out noodles. The chicken was soft, there was an ample amount of sauce, and the spinach, mushrooms and cheese were spread evenly throughout the dish.

The delicious tomato sauce that flowed in between the layers of noodles blended well with the spinach and mushrooms, allowing their flavors to come through. The cheese and chicken provided little flavor, but I’m fine with that because the sauce made up for it.

Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes Slice

The baking tray the Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bake came in measures 8 inches by 6.5 inches by 1.75 inches. It’s a decent sized tray and I believe it provides enough to feed two hungry people or four meth addicts who have suppressed appetites thanks to meth.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup/227 grams – 290 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 630 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 15 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes
Price: $5.99 (on sale)
Size: 31 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Serves two to four, depending on appetites. Good sauce. Can taste the spinach and mushrooms. Spinach, mushrooms and cheese were spread evenly throughout the dish. Comes in a nifty baking tray.
Cons: Meth. Chicken and cheese provided little flavor. Meth. Took a long time to cook in the microwave. Phosphine gas. Not being able to bake big batches of cookies and brownies. Meth.

NEWS: Cinnabon Now Offering Separately The Best Or, Depending Who You Ask, Worst Part Of Their Cinnamon Rolls

The bite-sized Cinnabon Center of the Roll sounds like the cinnamon roll equivalent of donut holes. But its name sounds like it took 20 seconds to come up with because it’s so literal. Where’s the marketing pixie dust or marketing cream cheese frosting to give it a catchy name?

Well I’ve got some marketing pixie dust right here and in 30 seconds I’m going to come up with a better name for the Cinnabon Center of the Roll. Ready?

BOOM! I got it!

Cinna-Centers.

Did it in 25 seconds. Feel free to use it.

The Cinnabon Center of the Roll takes the sticky, gooey middle of their classic cinnamon roll, stick it in a cup and cover it with their signature and equally sticky, gooey cream cheese frosting. They’re currently available at participating locations until November 6th.