REVIEW: Glaceau SmartWater

Marvo: Okay. Whose 1916 U.S. presidential campaign slogan was: “He kept us out of war.”?

Glacéau SmartWater: That’s easy. Woodrow Wilson’s

Marvo: Dammit! You got the yellow wedge!

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, that means I’ve got all the wedges and all I need to do to kick your ass again at Trivial Pursuit is get back to the middle and answer one more question.

Marvo: The game isn’t over yet.

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh wait. Let me play you a song.

(Glacéau SmartWater pushes play on the stereo and Wilson Phillips’ Hold On starts playing.)

Marvo: What’s up with the Wilson Phillips? Have you been watching too much I Love the 90s?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear her?

Marvo: Hear who?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear the fat lady singing?

Marvo: Fat lady? Do you mean Carnie Wilson?

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, do you hear her singing?

Marvo: Dude, Carnie’s not fat anymore. Actually, she lost a lot of weight and she’s pretty hot now.

Glacéau SmartWater: But she was fat when she recorded the song.

Marvo: You’re being an prick, you know. Just because your first name is in French, doesn’t mean you have to act French.

Glacéau SmartWater: Whatever. Let’s get this over with so you can go crying back to your mamma. Maybe if you actually attended class and read your textbooks in college, I wouldn’t be whooping your ass for the umpteenth time.

Marvo: Well then, roll the dice you arrogant prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Why do you keep playing against me? Can’t you read? I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: More like SmartAssWater. Anyway, what makes you so special?

Glacéau SmartWater: No water purifies better. No water hydrates faster.

Marvo: Dude, you’re just reading your own label, you corporate shill. Besides how the hell can anyone tell if the water they’re drinking is hydrating them faster?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m electrolyte enhanced, beeyatch!

Marvo: So you’re like a flavorless and colorless Gatorade?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m better than Gatorade.

Marvo: Whatever. Just roll the dice.

(Glacéau SmartWater rolls the dice and gets a six.)

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh yeah! Six baby! Back to the middle for the win.

Marvo: Well I get to pick the category.

Glacéau SmartWater: It don’t matter. History. People and Places. Entertainment. Science. Sports. Literature. I know it all. I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: All right, let’s see if you can answer this science and nature question.

Glacéau SmartWater: Bring it!

Marvo: What major Eastern city was the first in the U.S. to boast a bloodmobile for dogs, in 1991?

Glacéau SmartWater: Let me think about that, Silly Willie. Maybe I should sing a little ditty? Is it getting kind of chilly? Oh look at that lily. Really?

Marvo: Shit! You know it, just say it.

Glacéau SmartWater: The answer is Philly, dear Billy. Philadelphia, beeyatch!

Marvo: Dammit!

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh! Do you know what time it is now?

Marvo: Oh shit. Not again.

Glacéau SmartWater: It’s peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time. Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? There he go. There he go. There he go. There he go. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.

Marvo: Frickin’ prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Don’t be a sore loser. You almost had me. At least you answered one question correctly this time.

Marvo: I’m not being a sore loser, you’re being a sore winner.

Glacéau SmartWater: Well maybe if your body was all water instead of 70 percent water, you’d be as smart as me.

Marvo: Oh, really?

(Marvo grabs Glacéau SmartWater opens him and drinks half the bottle.)


Marvo: No, that WAS cool…and refreshing.

Item: Glacéau SmartWater
Purchase Price: $1.39 (33.8 fluid ounces)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing as revenge. Electrolyte enhanced. Pretty bottle. Better tasting than tap water. Peanut butter jelly time.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water in bigger sizes. Sore winner. A total prick. Know-it-all asshole.

REVIEW: Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist

Excuse me. Do you like children? You do! Great! So why don’t you, me, and those twins on your chest have a fun family outing back at my place?

Oh, hello there!

I’m just testing out the new Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist. It not only helps freshen my breath, it also helps me as I practice my pick up lines in the mirror. It’s like Binaca, except in a plastic container that looks like a cigar cutter or a tool used for circumcisions.

I’ve also been thinking about adding the Listerine PocketMist to my usual routine when I’m picking up women at a bar or club, which goes something like this:

1. See woman.
2. Spray Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist into my mouth.
3. Walk over the woman.
4. Tap woman on the shoulder.
5. Use AWESOME pickup line.
6. Get napkins to wipe off the drink the woman threw at my face.
7. Pretend she didn’t just kick me in the balls.
8. See another woman.
9. Repeat.

Just a little warning for you guys who plan to use my picking-up-women routine, it works best in a bar or club, but definitely doesn’t work well at coffee shops, because they have better lighting than a bar or club and coffee is really hot. Also, keep away from tea houses as well.

Despite the minty fresh flavor not lasting very long and not producing a nasal-clearing sensation like Listerine PocketPaks, I think the Listerine PocketMist would totally compliment the AWESOME pick up lines I use. For example:

Excuse me. Are you a pirate? No? Well then, what are you doing with that big booty?

Oh yeah! Yahtzee!

Sure I might get a few slaps in the face or a restraining order, but all I need is one “yes.” Hey, it took Colonel Sanders hundreds of times before someone bought his chicken recipe and it also took Thomas Edison hundreds of times before he perfected the light bulb.

My pick-up routine is not only for guys, but women can use it as well. Here’s a great pick up line you women can use on men.

Excuse me, I’m REALLY thirst. Do you mind if I suck on your six-pack abs?

The Listerine PocketMist not only might help you women when picking up men, it might also come in handy to repel men. If you don’t have any pepper spray handy or if you’re tired of kicking guys in the nuts, just spray some of it into the guy’s face and watch them squirm. It will deter guys with extremely greasy hair, too much cologne, missing teeth, or cheesy pick up lines.

Item: Listerine Cool Mint PocketMist
Purchase Price: $2.99 (from
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Gives temporary fresh breath. Also works as a way to repel guys with cheesy pick up lines. Good for 140 sprays or one day of practicing pick up lines in the mirror. My pick up lines.
Cons: Fresh breath feeling lasts only for several minutes. Not as strong as Listerine PocketPaks. Restraining orders. Using pick up lines on women as coffee shops.

Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to the last day of Sick Week here at the Impulsive Buy. Sick Week was just like being actually sick. It lasted longer than it should’ve, medication could’ve only given temporary relief of how crappy it was, and it was something you wouldn’t want to share with anyone. Enjoy.)

Being the extremely desperate eligible bachelor that I am, I usually have the urge to pass on the option of using plates, bowls, or utensils, because I hate getting dishpan hands and I’m afraid I might accidently use my New Kids on the Block commemorative ceramic plates, which would lower their value, except the Danny Wood plate since it never had any value to begin with.

Trying not use any dishes or utensils isn’t difficult. It definitely doesn’t come close to being as hard as my quest to become a Pokemon champion or Paris Hilton’s quest to find pets ugly enough to make her look decent.

Almost any body part can be used as either a plate, bowl, or utensil. My thighs make great plates whenever I’m sitting down and eating toast, my pointer finger and middle finger make good chopsticks, and a cupped hand makes a decent shot glass.

I call my dish-less technique, “medieval-like efficiency.” My mom calls it laziness. My ex-girlfriend probably called it “Oh-You-Are-So-Dumped.”

However, there are foods out there that force me to use dishes or utensils, like soup.

Sure I could open up a can of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup, but how would I heat it up without using a pot and how can I prevent my lips from getting cut on the rim of the soup can when I don’t want to use a spoon?

Thank goodness for the Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup, which comes in bag that allows me to continue my plate-less bachelor lifestyle, so I don’t have to wash any dishes and it gives me more time to weep over the fact that I’m bachelor.

The instructions were so simple and the microwaveable bag was so easy to eat out of that it might make others want to experience medieval-like efficiency. Just cut off the top of the bag, heat the bag in the microwave for 3.5 to 4 minutes, let it sit for a minutes to cool, and just pour the delicious soup into your mouth. It’s so simple that even a heiress to a hotel empire who buys ugly pets could do it.

The hearty noodles, chunks of vegetables, and big chunks of chicken were filling. The broth was pretty tasty. It definitely wasn’t like some pussy Campbell’s chicken noodle soup. Although, the soup was high in sodium, but then again, just like Christmas shoppers waiting forever in long lines, all packaged soups are salty.

Item: Bear Creek Ready to Serve Chicken Noodle Soup
Purchase Price: $3.99
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Tasty. Hearty chicken, noodles, and vegetables. Microwavable bag. Can eat it straight from the bag. No need for a bowl or a spoon. Great for medieval-like efficient people.
Cons: Bag might need to be trimmed more for smaller microwaves. High in sodium. The value of my Danny Wood New Kids on the Block commemorative ceramic plate.

SudaCare Shower Soothers

(Editor’s Note: Welcome to Day Two of Cold Week here at the Impulsive Buy. Just to let you know, I was sick at home the other week, hence the cold products to review this week. The product for today’s review was suggested by Impulsive Buy reader, Josh, who was curious to know if today’s product worked after seeing a commercial for it on television.

I also sometimes am curious about a product after seeing its commercial, like those UPS “What can brown do for you?” ads. When I see them I wonder stuff like, “Can brown deliver a pizza to me?” or “Can brown sharpen my pencils?” or “Can brown defeat hot dog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi?”)

Depending on whether you’re hungry or full, each SudaCare Shower Soothers tablet either looks like a gigantic blue Smarties or a big Alka-Seltzer.

However, unlike Smarties and Alka-Seltzer, the Shower Soothers aren’t meant to be consumed orally. Instead they work by using the stream of water from your shower to turn that big blue tablet into soothing vapors of eucalyptus, menthol, and camphor to give you temporary comfort when you’re congested.

It basically can clear your sinuses much like a Halls drop, a bowl of spicy curry, or sitting in the restroom stall next to the Incredible Hulk while he’s taking a crap.

The Shower Soothers are produced by every 70-year-old horndog’s friend, Pfizer, which explains the blue color and my urge to get it on with Estelle Getty. Each tablet lasts for about five minutes in the shower, which is about four minutes longer than I would last if I got it on with Estelle Getty.

While using the product in the shower, I could smell the eucalyptus, menthol, and camphor vapors, but they weren’t as powerful as I hoped they would be.

A few minutes after stepping out of the shower, there was this warm soothing feeling on my chest and upper back. It felt like someone rubbed Ben Gay on me or like Estelle Getty passed out on top of me after making sweet, sweet love.

Unfortunately, the Shower Soothers didn’t help with my congested nose, congested chest, or my penile dysfunction. I think a Halls drop does a much better job.

The Shower Soothers may have not worked for me, but I think the eucalyptus in it would be great for koalas who want to create a eucalyptus vapor chamber to get high.

Item: SudaCare Shower Soothers
Purchase Price: $5.38 (3-pack)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Looks like a gigantic blue Smarties. Tablet lasts for about five minutes in the shower. Warm soothing feeling after stepping out of the shower. Eucalyptus might be enjoyed by koalas.
Cons: Faint vapors. A Halls drop can do a better job. Sitting in the stall next to the Incredible Hulk.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Um, Sick Week will continue next week, because I kind of forgot that it’s Thanksgiving Week. Plus, I’m flying to Los Angeles today and I’ll be there until Sunday. But I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and let everyone know that tryptophan is your friend. Don’t fight it, invite it.

Oh, for those of you in other countries who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, Happy (insert your country’s closest recognized holiday)!

If you need a review fix, I’ve started something at the OTHER blog called Haiku Review. The products used for the Haiku Review are ones that won’t be reviewed here at the Impulsive Buy, either because I’m lazy or they were the losers in my product elections. (Hmm…I haven’t had one of those in awhile.)

Anyway, once again, Happy Thanksgiving!