REVIEW: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper

Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper

First it was the Enormous Omelet Sandwich and now it’s the Ultimate Double Whopper. Burger King, when are you going to learn that no matter how large your sandwiches are, they won’t ever compensate for your small penis.

Not everyone can have a HUGE wang like White Castle. So don’t try to be like Hardee’s, with his Monster Thickburger. He only made it because the huge SUVs and sports cars he bought couldn’t deflect ALL the attention away from his really small dick.

Besides, so what if you have a small dong. Subway has one too, but the difference between Subway and Hardee’s is the fact that Subway knows how to use it with the ladies. Remember it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean…and how long you go down on her.

Anyway, when I picked up the Ultimate Double Whopper, I felt really guilty about eating it on Earth Day last week Friday. On a day that people celebrated conservation and all life on this planet, I devoured half a pound of beef, two slices of American Cheese, several strips of bacon, pickles, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and mayonnaise, all in between a sesame seed bun.

It was gluttony at its greatest.

Fortunately, I didn’t eat it at one of the many Earth Day celebrations, because the beef alone would’ve made vegan hippies want to beat me down with their hemp bags.

The first thing I noticed about the Ultimate Double Whopper was its thickness. If you don’t have a big mouth or you aren’t an anime character, you might have a difficult time eating it. It may not look that thick in the picture above, but I had to do some squishing before sticking my chomps into it.

The Ultimate Double Whopper was very good, but this didn’t surprise, since I’m a fan of the regular Whopper. It had that familiar Whopper taste, but the extra beef patty, slices of cheese, and bacon made it also taste like a burger from such fine sit-down establishments with annoying versions of the birthday song, like Chili’s and TGI Friday’s. With all of that stuffed into a burger, the Ultimate Double Whopper was kind of messy, but most big burgers are.

Personally, I think the Ultimate Double Whopper is better than any of Burger King’s overhyped Angus Steak Burgers.

I’d post the nutritional values for the Ultimate Double Whopper, but it’s not available on the Burger King website, which means either Burger King is too afraid to post it or the Ultimate Double Whopper was a figment of my imagination, caused by the excessive calories, fat, and sodium from my McDonald’s Dollar Menu binge the other week.

Whether it’s real or not, I probably won’t be ordering another one anytime soon, because something like the Ultimate Double Whopper has to be ungodly unhealthy, but for those of you who are curious and don’t have any heart conditions, I’d recommend it.

Even if you have a small penis.

Item: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper
Purchase Price: $5.59 (with $1 off coupon)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good. Better than BK’s Angus Steak Burgers. Thick burger, unlike the size of Burger King’s penis.
Cons: Pricey. Not something anyone should eat on a regular basis. People with small mouths might have trouble eating it. Kind of messy. White Castle has a bigger penis than I do.

24 thoughts to “REVIEW: Burger King Ultimate Double Whopper”

  1. It’s like there is a dual standard in society right now…on the one hand, fast food restaurants are being encouraged to make their food healthier and offer more healthy menu choices…and on the other hand, places like BK and Hardee’s seem to feel compelled to make the most unhealthy food possible. Oh well. For an even unhealthier burger, readers of this site can check out: which is the biggest burger I’ve ever seen.

  2. that thing looks like death with cheese. and not in a good dealth-by-chocolate sort of way, but in the six-feet-under kind of way. eek.

    i think i’m going to go make my organic pesto tomato pizza now. check it out – Amy’s brand makes tons of great, healthy things. i’m not a psycho vegan or anything, but good healthy food makes your body happy. 🙂

    and something that makes me happy – the rated-r turn the site is taking lately. penis.

  3. I’m with Megan, that thing looks like pieces of rubber covered in fluorescent spackle…but I’m all for the penis references.

  4. Another episode of As The Stomach Turns…

    Am I the only person alive who think the regular Whopper is too big as it is? And now a double? With more cheese? Is BK *trying* to kill off its customers???

  5. Lord Jezo – Please be careful, because the Ultimate Double Whopper can be dangerous.

    Chuck – Oh dear lord, that burger makes my penis feel really small. 🙁

    Megan – I’ve learned that non-healthy food gives me gas.

    Mia – Oh, but those pieces of rubber covered in fluorescent spackle was good. Penis.

    Thumper- Usually I buy a Whopper Jr. because it’s cheaper, but I never thought the Whopper was too big. Actually, I think that’s the size all burgers should be.

    kaos – Yeah, it’s hard to believe that White Castle has a bigger penis than anybody. If there was a Black Castle, I bet it would have a bigger one.

  6. What with all the McDonalds’ and BK meals you’ve been downing lately, I hope your intake of water (sparkling or otherwise) has increased. Oy, I think I can hear your arteries hardening up, way over here on the Mainland!

  7. taikoG – What fast food burger doesn’t look nasty? Remember it’s not what it looks like on the outside, it’s what it tastes like on the inside.

    Mellie Helen – You know me, I try to make my pee clear.

    Damon – After eating it, I definitely didn’t eat much for the rest of the day. I think I slept through dinner.

  8. Right now I’m on DayQuil (got a freekin cold) and no matter how drugged up I am, this burger just doesn’t look right. On the bright side, I’m glad you liked it, no matter how disgusting it looks =).

  9. Just looking at that is making my heart slow down.
    Man, I love my veggie burgers. Since they’re made of vegetables, I can pretend they are healthy (hah! what a load of BS)

    Dude, go do some cardio for the next 2 hours to work that thing off.
    I don’t want your next review to be the heart surgery.
    I can see it now:
    2 out of 5
    pros: heart beats again. Attractive nurses
    cons: pricey. Had to shave chest. Hospital food is sub-par.

  10. Hey buddy, you got a great site here. I love it, since I also live on the very same rock in the middle of the pacific ocean you do. 🙂 And that means anything you can try, I also can try. So, this burger, Its a beast on its on. and BTW, do you think White Castle could do porn if he wanted too? With that mighty big gun hes packin, I would think so? would’nt you? 🙂 Thanks for a great site. 😀

    PS. Im new. >:(

  11. wow. just wow… it’s good to see you covered this one because there is no way I’m touching that with a ten foot pole. well, it’s a bit pricey too so i’d have to count it out, you said 5.59 WITH a coupon? I’ve had pretty good experiences with BK hamburgers though, moreso than McDs. Hmm… I pity your bowel movement tomorrow though. =)

  12. akiko – Burger? Nah, you must be waaay drugged up. It’s not a burger. It’s a painting of a volcano spewing lava.

    kt – That heart surgery part was frickin’ funny!!! Knock on wood. Maybe I will have to try a veggie burgers and write a review.

    Tongan brutha – White Castle probably could do porn, but I wouldn’t want to watch it. It would make my penis and me scared and ashamed.

    Bryan – This Ultimate Double Whopper is definitely not cheap eats. Also, don’t worry about my bowel movements, they were fine.

  13. 1. Men repeat phrases like “…not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean” to convince themselves that chicks aren’t as shallow as them. They’re wrong. We’re just as shallow. You like big titties. We like big dicks. Well, OK. Regular size ones are fine too. But I’ve never heard any friends say, “Yeah his penis is small, but it’s OK. He has this stroke technique…”

    2. Great job on the burger photo. Looks so good I’m thinking that would make a great breakfast… it’s 6:58am right now. I got a double Whopper once and managed to eat it, but then passed out in a food coma for 3 hours. Now I just stick to the regular Whoppers. The end.

  14. Wow, I do not think I am any bigger (220 Lbs) than any one else.. I do move Hot tubs for a living but my buddy and me ate two each of these yesterday and I finished his fries. I had a large diet soda with it as I wanted to get some Popeyes chicken for dinner.

  15. Ken – I just don’t have the heart to eat two of them back-to-back. And when I say “heart,” I mean literally, I don’t have the heart that can handle that.

  16. Bombadil and I went out to try one the day you posted this bad boy. Holy Crap did it taste good, but Holy Crap was my belly upset afterwards. It coulda choked my baby I am carrying!! That’s one large greasy sandwich! Glad I tried it, even though I picked off the rubbery bacon.

  17. WOW
    2 “Beef” patties with Whopper flavor
    4 Slices Processed Cheez
    8 Strips o’ bacon

    Pretty decadent – and I thought the Carl’s Jr Breakfast Burger was the ultimate achievement in lipemia (fried egg, bacon, hash brown nuggets, cheese, ketchup, all-beef patty, on a sesame-seed bun).

    I don’t know what kind of penis the Ultimate Whopper has, but I’m afraid there might be one ticked in there between the tomato and bacon strip #3 of 8.

  18. Tymo – I’m just waiting for fast food joints to go triple. How about an Ulitmate Triple Whopper? Or a Triple Big Mac?

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