REVIEW: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans

Bertie Bott's Beans

Who would’ve thought that being made to eat dirt and grass by bullies in grade school would come in handy someday?

Thanks to those bullies, who can still kick my ass, but still can’t write a better book report than me, I can determine the authenticity of some of the jelly bean flavors found in a box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, which regular Impulsive Buy reader, Lucy, suggested I try.

For those who aren’t familiar with Bertie Bott’s Beans, eating a box of them is like playing jelly bean Russian Roulette.

You can be happy eating one of the normal flavors: blueberry, cherry, cinnamon, grape jelly, green apple, lemon drop, toasted marshmallow, buttered popcorn, and tutti-fruitti.

Or you can die eating one of the abnormal flavors: black pepper, booger, earthworm, dirt, ear wax, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, spinach, and vomit.

Fortunately, there’s a flavor guide on the back of each box, but I didn’t bother looking at it because I’m a man who likes to live his life dangerously by doing crazy things, like reading a chapter of Dianetics and calling grade school bullies “pussies.”

As I went through the box of Bertie Bott’s Beans, I tried to figure out each flavor. I got almost all of the normal flavors correct, but I had a lot of problems with the abnormal flavors.

The easiest ones to figure out were black pepper, dirt, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, and spinach. However, booger, earthworm, ear wax, and vomit were hard to figure out, because I’ve never tried boogers, earthworms, and ear wax. As for the vomit jelly beans, I couldn’t recognize it because it didn’t have that distinct vodka flavor that my vomit usually has.

Individually, the abnormal jelly beans are tolerable, but I wondered how tolerable they would be if I mixed them all together.

So I grabbed a black pepper, booger, earthworm, dirt, ear wax, grass, sardine, soap, spaghetti, spinach, and vomit jelly bean, headed towards the bathroom, and kneeled over the toilet. For two minutes, I prepared myself for the concoction I was about to put into my mouth.

“How bad it could be?” I thought to myself. After all, I’ve recently stuck mint flavored condoms, habanero beef jerky, and potato chips made with Olestra into my mouth, so a few abnormal jelly beans shouldn’t be so bad. Then I took a deep breath and slammed the handful of jelly beans into my mouth.

About one second and one chew later, I violently spit out the jelly beans into the toilet. The spitting was closely followed by several dry heaves. The dry heaves were closely followed by tears in my eyes.

I began to wonder if I would finally find out what vodka-less vomit tastes like. Fortunately, I didn’t find out.

After making sure my dinner wasn’t going to make a reappearance, I ran to the bathroom sink, grabbed my toothbrush, squirted on my toothbrush way more toothpaste than the American Dental Association recommends, and brushed my teeth like I just French kissed a drunken Courtney Love and a pre-TrimSpa Anna Nicole Smith.

I could say that the taste of it was repulsive, but I think that would be an understatement. I think if death has a taste, it would probably taste much like what I experienced.

Item: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans
Purchase Price: $1.99 (1.6 ounce box)
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Great gag gift to give. Realistic normal flavors. Blueberry rocks.
Cons: Horrible gag gift to receive. Realistic abnormal flavors. Mixing abnormal flavors. Dry heaving from mixing abnormal flavors.

45 thoughts to “REVIEW: Harry Potter Bertie Bott’s Beans”

  1. good job marvo i fed these beans to my husband and shortly there after he proposed maybe it was so he could torture me for the rest of my life like i had tortured him all those years oh well anyway megan sounds like youir a part of the army family over here in germany we are 1ID how about you?

  2. Jellybean flavors should NOT make one want to puke! Thank you, as ever, for doing these things for us so we don’t have to. And as far as the edible undies review, well, I’m waiting 🙂

  3. Don’t you wonder about the guys in Marketing at that company? “Hey, let’s increase our market share by making jelly beans in high-demand flavors like vomit, ear wax, and boogers!” Sounds like a Dave Barry post.

  4. is this avaliable on th eislands? cause I want to see what this “Taste of Death” concoc(heh, cock)tion should taste like. Im a dangerous man too!! :O

  5. Great Review!

    You Should Give Some Of These To A Little Kid And See If They Like Them.
    Most Little Kids Like This Kind Of “Food”. 🙂

  6. Hey Marvo, thanks for “taking one for the team” and giving us another great review. I agree that it would be funny to see what kids thought of those abnormal flavors, but it might get you sued by their parents if their reaction was anything like yours.

  7. My friend and I bought a pack of these around Christmas because we wanted to try them and as far as tasting them one by one you couldn’t really tell the difference in the abnormal ones. I was kind of disappointed I really thought they would have a stronger. I never did stick them all in my mouth at the same time though. I don’t know if I will ever be that brave. We we going to stick them on my friends desk in a bowl which was unmarked and get the reactions on peoples faces when the ate them but then we forgot and Easter came and went. There is always next year though. Thanks for the review and the warning about not trying them at the same time!!!

  8. I tried these a couple of years ago and the “vomit” flavor is so dead on that it made me ALMOST barf. The “dirt” one isn’t awful, though.

  9. Haha yeah… everytime I smell vodka it reminds me of vomit. But the spaghetti flavor can’t really be as bad as something like sardine or soap, could it? I wuold never be brave enough to try those ones!

  10. It never ceases to amaze me the torture you put your mouth through. Obviously, you need to have a “happy mouth” experience someday soon – you deserve it!

  11. Okay, uhhh…I just saw a clip of what I can only assume is you…stripping…on your bed….do you know how many fantasies just came true for me!! =) Heh he…keep ‘up’ the good work! *grin*

  12. The original “release” (came in a red bag) of Bertie Bott’s Beans wasn’t too wretched but the later “releases” (like what you tried here) are horrid. Still, there is one good reason to buy some. If people you don’t like keep hanging around your house; buy a bunch of these nasty beans and empty them into a candy dish. Then it’s just a matter of sharing the fun. *evil grin*

  13. graceless – I think that’s a sign of true love, being able to torture each other. I look forward to that someday. 🙂

    Ayesha97 – Yup, there was buttered popcorn, which used to be my favorite, but if I eat too many of them, I get kind of nauseous.

    Mir – I came close…Very close.

    Lucy – No, thank you for giving me the idea. 🙂

    DucatiBandit – Who else is in the top echelons of reviewers?

    Pel – When I get a girlfriend or a blowup doll, I believe there will be sudden increase in sexual related items and that includes edible undies.

    Mellie Helen – Over the past few years, I have learned that if you put the name “Harry Potter” on something, it will sell well, even if it does taste like vomit, ear wax, and boogers.

  14. HIM – Yes, they are available here. Just go to your favorite candy store.

    Damon – But the real question is: Will your dogs eat it?

    Chuck – Let them sue me, I’ll just give them a guilt trip by telling them that they should keep an eye on their children, instead of letting them run free, and accepting jelly beans from a stranger.

    Becky – Why wait for the holiday season to pull a prank on your co-workers? These jelly beans are perfect for pranking anytime of the year.

    nat – Yeah, the dirt one isn’t so bad, but when mixed with Earthworm, it’s not so good.

    Lorien – The spaghetti is actually quite gross. Not as gross as the soap flavor, but definitely on the same level as the sardine flavor. It’s like spaghetti vomit.

  15. moosigal – Such is the life of a quasi-product review blog editor.

    Webmiztris – Feed them to your husband!!!

    the other ‘M’ – You know that’s kind of incestuous, after all, you are my gay evil twin.

    taikoG – Horrible strip tease videos should never be banned.

    Mark – Another good reason to buy these jelly beans, to help me realize that there are worst things than watching the movie The Pacifier with Vin Diesel.

  16. marvo, you rock.

    Someone gave me an earwax jelly bean and told me it was caramel.

    I ate it, then I punched them in the ear.

  17. I never have anything as witty and clever as all others who post here, but dammit, I LOVE THIS SITE. It’s one of the few I visit everyday. As for the jelly beans, I’ve bought them so often, NO ONE I know will take ANYTHING from me again. (The electrocuting lighter and pen didn’t help)

  18. why would anyone torture themselves like you do? all in name of art, I suppose.

  19. You’ve got balls marvo. I must give that to you. In all honesty, I’m intrigues, yet frightened at the same time, to give these beans a try.

  20. Of Course My Dogs Would Eat It!
    They Eat Their Own Shit And Puke…. So A Jelly Bean, No Matter What The Flavor Would Be Like Filet Mignon To Them.

  21. KT – I guess that person was lucky it wasn’t a crotch sweat-flavored jelly bean.

    Kaya – You know what else will help prevent people from taking stuff from you, pretending you’re insane. Not like Tom Cruise-jumping-on-couches-insane, more like envelope-opener-stabbed-into-the-desk-with-a-sign-that-says-don’t-touch-my-shit-insane. I think that might be more effective.

    lakitu – I do it to impress the ladies, because I’ve got nothing else to impress them with.

    Ken – Yes! Feel my pain! Try them all at the same time!

    Damon – I guess you’re right, your dogs will eat ANYTHING!

    kat – Now I know what boogers taste like.

  22. Actually the Jelly beans were first released in a child’s snack pack at the movies to push the then coming soon Harry Potter movie.
    After all the stuff you’ve consumed, this gave you dry heaves? You should contact the company to research your blog. They may want to put a warning on their package. Warning this product when consumed in muti-flavored combinations made Marvo heave.
    On the Vodka reference Jelly Belly does make daiquiri, fuzzy navel, and bloody mary flavors.

  23. Yes that is true. We just figured waiting until Easter would not be as obvious. Since no one really likes jelly beans and they are around for the Easter season it would just fit. I think we might have to out them out though. Thay are just too funny!!!

  24. Kent – I think they should put a warning, for the kids sake, and the sake of curious quasi-product review blog editors.

    Becky – You know, laughing at co-workers shouldn’t be just a holiday thing. It should happen year round.

  25. I don’t care for many of the flavors of jelly bellies, so this was just an appropriatedly labeled package for me. My brother (yes, we’re both grownups) made me try ear wax … and I have to say, it is true to its billing.

  26. Webmiztris – Then he’ll probably make you kiss him. That’s what I would do, because I’m evil like that.

  27. marvo, well, you know … you scratch your ear and um, then taste it.

    I’m sure the taste test for that were far better than the ones for vomit.

    Frankly, the most disgusting jelly belly flavor to me is buttered popcorn.

  28. cybele – I find that the buttered popcorn is good if I eat only a couple in one sitting, but once I eat more than that, it makes me kind of nauseous.

    rfduck – Sucking on condoms and eating nasty jelly beans doesn’t even compare with eating pig hearts and live beetles. I wish someone would pay me to suck on condoms. 🙁

  29. all I can say is, I can’t believe you ate them. I thought they were meant to be collector’s items.

    Now, imagine being a taste tester for this company.


  30. birdwoman – Collector’s item? I wonder how much slightly chewed jelly beans are worth? Oh, if only I was celebrity, they would be worth so much more.

  31. Brah,
    Sorry I made you eat grass but I no care what you say . . .
    My Red Badge of Courage book report for Mr. Souza ROCKED!!!!!!!

  32. Bool – That’s okay, but I got the Junior Class English Award from Mr. Souza. How you like dem apples?

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