Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie

Slammers Starburst Smoothie

(Editor’s Note: Sorry for not posting a review yesterday. I had to study for a drug test so I can get this job I want. Don’t worry I passed…Barely.)

Sometimes I wonder, “What kind of person would I be today without Starburst candy?”

Starburst taught me at a young age that sharing is caring, except when it comes to farts and sexually transmitted diseases. With its individually wrapped pieces, I was easily able to share a pack of Starburst with my siblings, friends, and my imaginary friend Wabu, who I thought was crazy because he kept telling me that Sesame Street was just a long Chinese restaurant commercial.

My lessons in sharing were also reinforced by watching Care Bears cartoons and listening to the words of Share Bear, as I fought with my sister for the remote control so I wouldn’t have to watch Care Bears cartoons.

Starburst also taught me the lesson of rationing. Being stuck at Boy Scout camp for a week and having only one pack of Starburst, I had to learn to make it last. I accomplished this by setting a limit on how many Starbursts I could eat in a day.

Of course, being that I learned sharing at an earlier age, I felt compelled to share the Starburst, but that would mean the pack wouldn’t last a week.

So while Starburst was teaching me the lesson of rationing, it also taught me the lesson of how sometimes I needed to be a stingy bitch, which was later reinforced by listening to the words of Kiss-My-Ass Bear, the least popular Care Bear in Care-a-Lot.

Fortunately for me, with the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie I don’t need to worry about sharing, rationing, or being a stingy bitch.

Because it’s a smoothie and I like to drink it straight from the bottle, I can’t offer it to anyone, because I don’t want to spread my cooties. I don’t want to be responsible for a cootie outbreak, because eventually doctors will trace back to me and everyone will know I’m the cootie host. Then scientists will hunt me down so that they can get a sample of my blood to create a cootie antidote.

I don’t want to go through that kind of trouble…again.

Besides I don’t know if I would want to share the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie with anyone because it’s not that good. It kind of tastes like an orange creamsicle, except with more sicle than cream, because it was kind of grainy. Also, the smoothie was more watery than creamy.

But the most disappointing thing about the Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie was that I didn’t learn any important life lessons from it, like I did with Starburst candy. I wish I could’ve learned something, like success can be accomplished through hard work or how to talk to women without getting a restraining order two days later.

Well at least I learned I shouldn’t buy another Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie.

Item: Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie
Purchase Price: $1.00 (on sale)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Tastes kind of like an orange creamsicle. Sharing is caring.
Cons: Grainy. More watery than creamy in texture. Didn’t learn any life lessons from it. My cooties.

23 thoughts to “Slammers Starburst Fruit and Creme Orange Smoothie”

  1. Hey, my imaginary friend, Marley, would really like to meet your imaginary friend, Wabu. And they could share a smoothie.

  2. That review made me bring me back to my childhood when cooties existed… I remember once, we had to have the principal talk with us because the cootie game was getting out of control. And for the review, it’s a good thing I didn’t but it.

  3. Looks Like I Wont Be Trying This.
    Why Not Share A Sexually Transmitted Disease?
    It’s The Gift That Keeps On Giving!

  4. what’s all this about a “childhood” game? I know some grown ups that definately have cooties…

  5. I got my cootie vaccination when I was 10 years old. Mainly it was yucky ~boys~ who carried the virus. If you didn’t get a cootie vaccination, even when a ~boy~ touched you, you could get cooties! So to insure that us girls didn’t get cooties from yucky ~boys~, we girls would write a big “C” on our hand…thus we were protected from cooties and we were safe.

  6. Why can’t the candy companies just leave the damn candy alone? Starburst are perfect in regular starburst form, now we have this bastard smoothie form to deal with. Cooties were never a ‘thing’ at my school, which is lucky, cause I played with boys all the time and would’ve had a serious cootie infestation if they had been.

  7. So, it’s called a smoothie, but in reality it’s grainy … strange marketing position to take.

    Aside from pudding pops and root beer barrels, I think foods are best left in their original form.

  8. I learned to “come taste the rainbow” from Starburst. Oh wait, that’s Skittles…

    Didn’t watch Care Bears, I had my hands full with The Smurfs as it was.

  9. I hope this new job doesn’t interfere with your daily reviews. I’m not liking that it already caused you to skip a day and you haven’t even started yet. Earning money so you can make a living is fine and all, but I depend on these reviews to briefly brighten my own dreary work day, so please keep your priorities straight!

  10. Dude, it’s basically Starbursts and milk. Freakin’ nasty. The Slammers brand, however, redeemed itself by making 3 Musketeers Chocolate Milk…. mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

  11. nat – Hey, does Marley sing reggae and smoke weed? I think Wabu smoked weed because his breath always smelled funny. I think instead of a smoothie, they could share a bong. 😉

    Ayesha97 – Yeah, Kiss-My-Ass Bear wasn’t very popular in Care-a-Lot. I think it all started when Kiss-My-Ass Bear put the beat down on Cheer Bear because he was being too cheery.

    Ken – A wise Chinese man once said, “Lessons learned are in front of you every day, whether you wish to learn those lessons depends on you.” Oh wait, I think I heard that from a cartoon. My bad.

    Lucy – I don’t want to scare you, but cooties still exist and Kevin Federline is a great example of one who has a bad case of them.

    Damon – But it would be so embarrassing to have to go to the pharmacy to get some Valtrex, the herpes medication.

    caitlin – Yes, there are lot of grown ups that have cooties. Wait…Does Kevin Federline count as a grown up?

  12. Vegan Chick – I wish writing a big “C” on my hand would protect me from carpal tunnel syndrome, Carrie Underwood, and crocodiles.

    Genny from the Burbs – Starburst are perfect in regular Starburst form. I can easily stick it in my pocket. A Starburst smoothie bottle is pretty hard to stick in my pocket.

    cybele – I think brussel sprouts and cauliflower are definitely in need of some changes.

    Bryan – Okay. If you had your hands full with The Smurfs, name all 100 of them. 😉

    Joseph – I don’t think with this new job you have to worry about the reviews. Now if I had a girlfriend, then you might have a good reason to worry. But I’m homely and lack one-on-one social skills, so you have nothing to worry about.

    Brandon – Yeah, I saw the 3 Musketeers Chocolate Milk when I was researching the Starburst Smoothie. I’ve been looking for it, but I haven’t seen it around here.

  13. Oh my God yes, the 3 Musketeers milk completely redeems the crappy Starburst “smoothie”. Also the Milky Way milk is rather excellent. And as a complete geek, the various flavored milkshakes with the Marvel characters on them ruled. mmmm…Green Hulk milk.

  14. A week at scout camp and only one pack of Starburst that you tend to share? Way to be prepared, you must have been one lousy Boy Scout.

  15. Marvo Thats Why You Need To Buy The Stuff Online,
    No Embarrassing moments.
    Or Just Send A Homeless Man Inside And Give Him A Dollar….lol

  16. What in the world were the marketing folks thinking? Why would I want to drink a melted orange creamsicle. Someone should be fired for this idea.

  17. Joseph – The 3 Musketeers always seems to save the day.

    klew – I was the worst Boy Scout. Ask me to tie a square knot and I’ll probably take three tries to do it. Heck, I didn’t even become an Eagle Scout.

    Damon – I can get Valtrex online? Oh wait, but I absolutely don’t need Valtrex, so I don’t need to worry about purchasing it.

    Sasha_Kitty – I don’t think someone should be fired, I think they should be forced to drink one of the Starburst Smoothies.

    Ted – Yes, it was bad and I will be sticking with the candy.

  18. nat – Yeah, they could star in it since Dave Chappelle probably wouldn’t.

    Webmiztris – Oh good, I could use some pre-mixed Metamuscil. I hate stirring that stuff.

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