REVIEW: Glaceau SmartWater

Marvo: Okay. Whose 1916 U.S. presidential campaign slogan was: “He kept us out of war.”?

Glacéau SmartWater: That’s easy. Woodrow Wilson’s

Marvo: Dammit! You got the yellow wedge!

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, that means I’ve got all the wedges and all I need to do to kick your ass again at Trivial Pursuit is get back to the middle and answer one more question.

Marvo: The game isn’t over yet.

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh wait. Let me play you a song.

(Glacéau SmartWater pushes play on the stereo and Wilson Phillips’ Hold On starts playing.)

Marvo: What’s up with the Wilson Phillips? Have you been watching too much I Love the 90s?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear her?

Marvo: Hear who?

Glacéau SmartWater: Do you hear the fat lady singing?

Marvo: Fat lady? Do you mean Carnie Wilson?

Glacéau SmartWater: Yeah, do you hear her singing?

Marvo: Dude, Carnie’s not fat anymore. Actually, she lost a lot of weight and she’s pretty hot now.

Glacéau SmartWater: But she was fat when she recorded the song.

Marvo: You’re being an prick, you know. Just because your first name is in French, doesn’t mean you have to act French.

Glacéau SmartWater: Whatever. Let’s get this over with so you can go crying back to your mamma. Maybe if you actually attended class and read your textbooks in college, I wouldn’t be whooping your ass for the umpteenth time.

Marvo: Well then, roll the dice you arrogant prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Why do you keep playing against me? Can’t you read? I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: More like SmartAssWater. Anyway, what makes you so special?

Glacéau SmartWater: No water purifies better. No water hydrates faster.

Marvo: Dude, you’re just reading your own label, you corporate shill. Besides how the hell can anyone tell if the water they’re drinking is hydrating them faster?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m electrolyte enhanced, beeyatch!

Marvo: So you’re like a flavorless and colorless Gatorade?

Glacéau SmartWater: I’m better than Gatorade.

Marvo: Whatever. Just roll the dice.

(Glacéau SmartWater rolls the dice and gets a six.)

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh yeah! Six baby! Back to the middle for the win.

Marvo: Well I get to pick the category.

Glacéau SmartWater: It don’t matter. History. People and Places. Entertainment. Science. Sports. Literature. I know it all. I’m SmartWater.

Marvo: All right, let’s see if you can answer this science and nature question.

Glacéau SmartWater: Bring it!

Marvo: What major Eastern city was the first in the U.S. to boast a bloodmobile for dogs, in 1991?

Glacéau SmartWater: Let me think about that, Silly Willie. Maybe I should sing a little ditty? Is it getting kind of chilly? Oh look at that lily. Really?

Marvo: Shit! You know it, just say it.

Glacéau SmartWater: The answer is Philly, dear Billy. Philadelphia, beeyatch!

Marvo: Dammit!

Glacéau SmartWater: Oh! Do you know what time it is now?

Marvo: Oh shit. Not again.

Glacéau SmartWater: It’s peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly time. Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? Where he at? There he go. There he go. There he go. There he go. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Peanut butter jelly. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. Do the peanut butter jelly, peanut putter jelly, peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat.

Marvo: Frickin’ prick.

Glacéau SmartWater: Don’t be a sore loser. You almost had me. At least you answered one question correctly this time.

Marvo: I’m not being a sore loser, you’re being a sore winner.

Glacéau SmartWater: Well maybe if your body was all water instead of 70 percent water, you’d be as smart as me.

Marvo: Oh, really?

(Marvo grabs Glacéau SmartWater opens him and drinks half the bottle.)

Glacéau SmartWater: HEY! HEY! HEY! THAT WAS TOTALLY UNCOOL, MAN!

Marvo: No, that WAS cool…and refreshing.


Item: Glacéau SmartWater
Purchase Price: $1.39 (33.8 fluid ounces)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing as revenge. Electrolyte enhanced. Pretty bottle. Better tasting than tap water. Peanut butter jelly time.
Cons: Pricey compared with other bottled water in bigger sizes. Sore winner. A total prick. Know-it-all asshole.

32 thoughts to “REVIEW: Glaceau SmartWater”

  1. better to be a smartass than a dumbass!

    …and this is why i’ll be sticking to menehune water.

  2. jodie – SmartWater just wanted me to tell you that if you spell Evian backwards, it spells naive. See, told you he was a smart ass.

    Amber LB – I’ve been doing this quite often, but I get Propel mixed up with male baldness drug, Propecia. Also, it wasn’t my Wilson Phillips CD, it was SmartWater’s

    Alena – Thanks Alena!

    Gia on Guam – I don’t know about the cost of living difference. I paid $1.49 for a frickin’ 40-ounce Slurpee. That’s pretty pricey. Oh yeah, here on Oahu, I just filled my gas at $2.49 a gallon. But at least Guam is beautiful.

    Muneer – Because I like to spice this blog up a bit once in awhile.

    dramastically – I don’t know what it’s like to be a smartass, because I’ve always been a dumbass. 🙁

  3. I wish I were paying $2.49/gallon … instead they just dropped the price 6 cents to $2.79.

    You can’t tell me Oahu isn’t beautiful…at least the weather is cooler over that way. Daytime here is still high 80’s low 90’s and we are lucky if nights are in the 70’s.

  4. Jobetta – Believe it or not, I have that Wilson Phillips album on a cassette tape. (Note to readers under the age of 18: A cassette tape was what music came on back in the day. It was after records. Records? Oh wait, I guess now it’s called vinyl. You see, “vinyl” wasn’t always used by DJs for scratching, they actually have music on them. Think of them as gigantic CDs with a slight hiss when you play them.)

    Gia on Guam – $2.79…That’s how much my parents pay for gas on the Big Island. As for Oahu being beautiful, there are some beautiful parts, but the neighbor islands are much more beautiful.

  5. ohhh great water and the bottle is fantabulous. I do think it rather risque of the water to be arrogant and call itself smart water infront of the other waters…

  6. I think whoever made this, made it so nerds (female & homosexual males) could pleasure themselves with the empty bottle….

    …I mean, common. There are no other use’s for that much height on a bottle. 😉

    But hey, think of it this way. For $1.40 you get refreshed and pleasured. More bang for your buck.

  7. For a smart water, you’d think it would realize that someone would eventually catch on to its improper use of an accent over the ‘e’ in ‘Glaceau’. I don’t know who this “smart water” thinks it is, but ‘pretentious’ comes to mind, considering there’s no accent in ‘eau’ or in ‘glacier’. What a pompous bastard, throwing around accents all willy-nilly, and capitalizing on the fact that most of the other waters don’t speak French.

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