REVIEW: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers

Copying, cloning, imitating…it seems so easy to do, because it is.

Xeroxing your ass at work, Dolly the Sheep, shitty boy bands, and the midterm exams of anyone who sat next to me in my physics, chemistry, and math classes in college are all examples of how easy it is to copy things. Although, I have to admit that I earned C’s and D’s in my physics, chemistry, and math classes, so I apparently sat next to the wrong people.

Sometimes copying is so easy that you can cut and paste a review from a quasi-product review blog, add your own lame comments, and then claim you wrote the whole damn thing by yourself.

(Editor’s Note: There was a link for the comment above, but I decided to remove it, since he admitted to it and apologized. To be honest, he actually seems like pretty decent guy. So all is good.)

Without copying, imitating, plagiarism and Cliff Notes, I probably wouldn’t have my English degree.

Now if it’s so easy copy things, why is it that these 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers don’t really taste much like actual 3 Musketeers and Milky Way candy bars. I tested it by drinking a swig of a Slammers and then took a bite from the candy bar it was supposed to imitate. They both taste good as chocolate milks, but neither one came really close to tasting like their solid brethren.

It’s sort of like Tito Jackson not being able to match the success, weirdness, and child molestation charges of his brother Michael.

I don’t know about the Milky Way Slammers, but as for the 3 Musketeers Slammers, I think there’s only one reason why it doesn’t really taste like a 3 Musketeer candy bar.

That reason is Splenda, which has been the reason for the war in Iraq, Scientology, Jen and Brad breaking up, spam emails, freeway traffic, white guys who act black, holes in the ozone layer, AFLAC commercials, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, internet porn addiction, Limp Bizkit cover bands, welfare abuse, Madonna adopting children, the lack of laws to protect copyrights in China, my hairy palms, why rappers keep getting shot, dropped calls on cell phones, spinning rims, and for some reason it’s the catalyst that makes me dance when I hear the Duran Duran song, “The Reflex.”

The one thing that surprised me about both the 3 Musketeers and Milky Way Slammers is the fact that they don’t need to be refrigerated, despite containing milk. Of course, after you open it, it is necessary to refrigerate what you don’t drink.

I don’t know about you, but that’s scary AND exciting. It’s as scary and exciting as placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Matt Freeman from Edelman for sending me the free samples. Oh yeah, TIB reviewed the Starburst Slammers last year. That one I didn’t get free.)

Item: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from PR Firm
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Tastes good as regular chocolate milk. Vitamins and minerals, but not really significant amounts. No child molesting for Tito Jackson. Despite it being made with milk, it doesn’t need to be refrigerated until after opening it or if you want it cold. Low and reduced fat.
Cons: Really doesn’t taste like the actual candy bars they’re named after. Everything Splenda is responsible for. Jacko. Placing an ad in the “Curious” section of your local alternative newspaper.

27 thoughts to “REVIEW: 3 Musketeers & Milky Way Slammers”

  1. Splenda just plain sucks in cold beverages for some reason. Anytime I taste something cold with Splenda as the artificial sweetener I’m like BLEAAH! Splenda. I’ll take my chances of dying from a Nutrasweet overdose any day.

  2. Dude, if MySpace wasn’t completely against my religion I would totally create an account just to tell that hack not to bother. There can only be one Marvo! Hmph.

    The idea of drinking candybars makes me queasy, though.

  3. I can’t even believe that muthatrucka would plagiarize you! I guess imitation is the sincerest form of flattery though and you definitely deserve flattery.

    I don’t believe for a second that you ever plagiarized or used Cliff Notes. Nor, for that matter, do I believe that there are Limp Bizkit cover bands. No matter what evidence you offer, I will NEVER believe that. The minute I believe that my sanity will snap irreparably.

    Man, I can’t believe some of the things you put into your mouth for this blog. You are my hero and a trooper.

  4. as a general rule, i don’t like putting anything called “slammers” into my mouth. you, marvo, apparently, have no fear.

  5. I believe the reason it doesn’t have to be refrigerated is because they used Ultra-High-Temperature Processing (UHT). According to Wikipedia UHT milk has a shelf life of 6-9 months until opened.

  6. not having to refrigerate it kinda scares me. how many preservatives they GOT in that shit??? lol

    hey, I left douchebag a message on myspace. what a chump. I just got done dealing with a guy who stole a post of mine — that shit pissing me off to no end.

  7. What does that dicklick get out of copypasting your review–like his “friends” think he’s suddenly creative and then want to be his real friend? I don’t get it. Like Dawn, I couldn’t let it go without a MySpace comment either (I’m quite ashamed I have an account in the first place).

    Any melted down candy bar no-fridge-necessary product makes me nervous so thanks for taking one for the team, Marvo.

  8. UHT is great. It’s the only thing that allows me to drink milk at all. Because regular milk spoils on the way home from the store, I swear. Or else I have some freakish power that causes milk to curdle merely by removing the cap, a power completely neutralized by UHT.

    But this is such a waste of a good thing. The only good candy bar product in the Not Actually a Candy Bar Category is Snickers Ice Cream Bars.

  9. did anyone else noticed that the guy is just 16 years old? which doesn’t mean he can steal someone quasi product review with impunity… but please insulting him won’t make it better.
    changing the subject, marvo darling have you ever tried snickers spread? it kind of tastes similar to the real thing and the advantage of a gooey consistency (no chewing necessary :))

  10. I’ve had the milky way.. although, yea.. not much like the candy bar. As for milk not in the fridge, it’s kinda like the milk they give us in the Army, while in the field. Prefer not to drink it anyway, but it always had that.. ‘not-quite-milk-but-afraid-to-ask’ taste. Warm milk. Ack.

  11. cannot BELIEVE that tool stole yr frickin review! i’m totally leaving him a comment.
    this, as usual, is a great piece of writing. even if for only a few minutes, you renew my faith in the human race. unlike studio 60, which i think blows. i think it’s fake and contrived and tries too hard. it makes me tired.

  12. what kind of loser copies someone else work onto their myspace page? apparently a lot of the people on myspace…..
    I lump these drinks in with the puddings that contain milk but don’t need refridging, something i won’t purchase for fear of a bout of food poisoning.

  13. 2 things:

    You can rest easy – you know you’ve arrived when some assmonkey off myspace feels the need to rip you off.

    …and I must ask – what is so bad about Studio 60 that you felt the need to lump it in with the war, Tom Cruise, Vanilla Ice, and your constant need to masturbate? Just curious.

  14. … I guess I be the tool. Ummm…. hey Marvo, all the other loyal Impulse buyer readers. I gues you can all direct your anger towards me said plageriser. What can I say, I’m ashamed and deeply sorry for any pain I caused? Yeah man, shit, I’m 16, and I guess

    “What does that dicklick get out of copypasting your review–like his “friends” think he’s suddenly creative and then want to be his real friend? I don’t get it. Like Dawn, I couldn’t let it go without a MySpace comment either”

    . . . is a fair and just statement. I mean I can’t ever say I’ve had the urge to make “real friends” through myspace and only through myspace, but yeah, I guess I got what I deserved. I talked to Marvo already. What’s in the past is in the past. A simple case of misplaced Credit where Credit is due that’s all. So if any of you have the urge to leave any “You’re a dickhead” comments, I shall not object. Earned is the only word I could use to describe as previously aforementioned sentiments.

    Just thought I’d you know let everyone know that there was an actual person who committed such “dire sins”. I meant no harm. I Love most of these reviews. And Obviously used the wrong way of going about and expresing such these feelings.

    So ummm yeah…. Good review as always Marvo.
    And I’m gone

  15. I have to agree on the Splenda thing – it’s an evil, evil sugar substitute. All of those sugar substitutes are evil. Hopefully they never join together for world domination or anything scary like that, because we won’t survive their attacks. Imagine NutraSweet to the eye??

  16. Splenda is real shitty tasting. I can’t believe they put that in one of these drinks. Like it isn’t bad enough in soft drinks.
    I had one of these that was supposed to taste like Whoppers, and it wasn’t bad. It wasn’t good, either.

    By the way, the impulsive dancing during the Duran Duran song? I’ll need to see that to believe it. 😉

  17. Count me as the third who wants to know.

    Not a fan of the excellent Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Marvo?

    Is it a general loathing of all things Aaron Sorkin? Or is it specifically one of the stars? Did Amanda Peet abandon you at the alter? Did Matthew Perry abandon you at the alter?

  18. Hey, at least they’re not “Bellywashers”–I hear those things are gross.

    I like your anecdote about Splenda…except about “Studio 60”; that is a quality show. Give it another chance?

    P.S. NO, I do not work for the show.

  19. Chuck – Just don’t snort either one up your nose like blow.

    Mir – Fried candy bars kind of intrigues me and scares me.

    L’il E – I predict within five years there will be a Limp Bizkit cover band and they will have more groupies than I will ever have.

    jenn – How about “shooters?”

    BulkHedd – I heart technology.

    Webmiztris – Ooooh, pickled insides.

    Domokun – I’d take anything but a bullet for the team.

    Wednesday – Reese’s Klondike bars also rock.

    The Lazy Canadian – I’m a big fan of Sorkin’s Sports Night, probably one of my top 10 favorite shows ever, but Studio 60 just hasn’t grabbed me.

    FatYoli – Snickers spread? I have never seen or heard of that before.

  20. Andy – It could’ve been powered milk. Blech!

    TG – Only a few minutes? I think I need to write longer reviews.

    Barb – Mmm…Jello Pudding Cups.

    dramastically – Whoa, whoa. Tom Cruise and Vanilla Ice? Now that’s just plain insulting, and I did not say any of that.

    Ben – Everything is cool man.

    Melanie – I can imagine NutraSweet sucked up my nose.

    Brie – I would make a video, but it would so long and so disturbing and a lot of footage of my ass.

    Rylan – No Hello Kitty.

    Frederson – I loved Sports Night (I have it on DVD), but I’m just not feeling Studio 60.

    Miriam – Belly Button Washers sounds even worse.

  21. Heh, so this Ben guy was plagiarizing you for a while eh? I know all about that.

    Exhibit A:

    Exhibit B:

    Cool thing that Ben apologized and stopped doing it, as did my plagiarizer. But some people just have no morals. I read this one blog where the plagiarizer was actually taking the blogger’s pictures. Hell, she(he?) stole a picture of the blogger’s DOG and posted it! That’s just low, man.

  22. Toni – When I get really lazy, I’ll probably just steal reviews from other review blogs I link to.

  23. When I was little people always used to say, “It’s all Heather’s fault!”

    Thanks to you (and Splenda), I can now say, “It’s all Splenda’s fault!!!!”

    However, I probably won’t because 1) I

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