When all the other men on the face of the Earth disappear and I am the last man on the planet, women will have to come over to my place to keep the human race going. When the ladies come over for some sweet, sweet lovin’, I like to give them a night to forget, full of my crying a night to remember, full of pleasure, and if they’re into it, a little pain.
don’t run away sleep over, I can also give them a morning to remember with a little surprise. Herpes. Breakfast.
After a night of
drunken “I totally don’t know your name” sex passionate lovemaking, she’ll probably need breakfast to realize that I’m not as handsome in daylight as I am under a strobelight reenergize herself so that she can get through the day. After all, breakfast is her chance to escape the most important meal of the day.
Sure, I could just pour her a bowl of
Froot Loops Raisin Bran with chocolate milk skim milk, but I want to show her that I’m not cheap I had a wonderful time last night and I hope the leopard print fuzzy handcuffs didn’t freak her out it was wonderful for her as well.
Instead, I would
warm up pizza from the other night cook her a breakfast, that consists of eggs, bacon, and some potatoes.
I like cooking breakfast because it
is the only time I get to wear my “Kiss the Cook….Down There” apron is one of the easiest and quickest meals to make. On several occasion, I’ve cooked breakfast for dinner because it’s the only thing I know how to cook it’s so easy to do.
Look at that picture of breakfast-sy goodness on the right, ladies. You can expect that in the morning if you
happened to be tricked by me to come to my place to see my Ansel Adams photo collection that doesn’t exist come over and spend the night.
The eggs and bacon take only minutes to make, but the potatoes can be a totally different story.
Sure I could just stick some day-old potato wedges from KFC in the microwave and say I slaved over a stove to make them. Sure I could cut up some red potatoes into wedges, dip them in egg whites, sprinkle paprika over them, and stick them in the oven for 30 minutes at 450 degrees, but I wouldn’t want the mother of my possible future illegitimate children caused by an expired broken condom beautiful woman in my bed to wait.
Thank goodness for these frozen Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes. Using the crisp and serve tray made out of the box, they take four short minutes to heat up in the microwave, which is the same amount of time
I would last during a sweet, sweet lovemaking session it would take me to cook the eggs and bacon to go along with it. The result of those four minutes are some decently crispy potatoes, but not extra crispy like the box says, which is as disappointing as my performance in the bedroom the Detroit Tigers in the 2006 World Series.
The Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes taste pretty good for something that came out of the microwave. I noticed a slight peppery taste to them, which I’m sure a lady friend who slept over would like because
it will help get the taste of me out of her mouth she won’t need to reach for the salt or pepper.
When they’re on sale for $1.25 a box, they’re cheap enough to stock up on, which will come in handy when
some woman stays over after giving me pity sex another lady friend comes over.
(Editor’s Note: TIB reviewed the Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Fries earlier last year, which were drunken-Tara-Reid-easy. Also, for more microwaveable foods, check out TIB’s radioactive friend, Heat. Eat. Review.)
Item: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes
Price: $1.25 (on sale)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pretty good for something that came out of a microwave. Quick to make. The crisp and serve tray. Crispy, but not extra crispy. Enough for two people. Making breakfast for a lady friend. My “Kiss the Cook…Down There” apron.
Cons: 1.5 grams of trans fat per serving. Herpes. My short performances in the bedroom. Illegitimate children caused by an expired broken condom. Tricking women to come over. Making sweet, sweet love with me.
38 thoughts to “REVIEW: Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Easy Breakfast Potatoes”
Seriously, you’re pretty freakin’ funny! 🙂
Hi Marvo! Judging from the photo, you can make me midnight breakfast anytime! I have been faithfully reading and enjoying TIB and I just wanted to thank you again…
Marvo, I would make sweet, sweet love to you, anytime.
I think you need to be buying Danalyn a one-way ticket to HI like right now. Just hope your ragin’ case of herpes is in remission.
OH! Man, you don’t get an egg with the Easy BreakFAST Potatoes? That blows.
Hey Marvo, it’s good to know that
when I can finally afford an all-night session with a prostitutewhen I finally have a hot date, I know something I can give them in bed besides a four-minute orgasmsweet, sweet lovin’.
I love their crispy fries, but I haven’t tried these yet. sounds good! I love how it says you have to add your own egg. as if we expect a single sunny-side up egg to be flopping around in the box. ;D
You are too freaking hilarious. I hope you get laid soon.
Great review, as always!
Oh my God! Once again, you’ve burned my retinas with your sordid prose. Why have I never seen these potato jewels in the frozen breakfast section? Do they only exist in Hawaii? I am sort of unhappy with my local Giant now.
Does that microwave in the logo seem posessed?
This might just be my favorite review! I actually want to go buy those now…
Yum (the potatoes). And you should know that leopard print is soooo 2004. Get some tiger striped fuzzy handcuffs a la 1989. Then, you’d score!
An that’s why I don’t want to live in Hawaii. I ain’t paying no $1.25/serving of potatoes. Woodmans’s normal price is $0.84/box, and since they are new they are frequently 2/$1.
This is one for the archives, Marvo. Hilarious.
The fact that you’d willingly make breakfast for your woman the next morning is verry sexy. The leopard print handcuffs…that’s a new level of sexy. If it weren’t for the herpes, you’d have one willing participant for a freak-fest.
I probably won’t try these, (I don’t mind preparing potatoes the long way) but I’m glad they didn’t taste like crap.
Leopard-print handcuffs? Sexy.
Trans fats? not so sexy
Marvo? I’d hit it.
Haha, awesome review, Marvo.
Ore-Ida has been working some potato magic lately. I recently tried their extra crispy seasoned fries and those were quite delish as well. I’ll have to get up early and give these a shot and, seeing as I haven’t eaten a real breakfast in months, it’ll probably be sort of good for me.
I’d let you make me breakfast, Marvo. My husband’s idea of mother’s day breakfast? A granola bar and a bowl of stale cereal. I guess it’s the thought that counts, but damn! A man who can make bacon and eggs and potatoes? Why are you not using that line on the ladies- ladies love breakfast!
My god, that box art is an assault on the senses. The breakFAST pun. The ridiculously unnecessary “add your own egg” at the bottom. The miniature microwave on the plate that watches you as you eat.
By the way, all this sexual tension is making me uneasy yet curious. I’m not sure how to feel.
you so rock the house. plus now i’m starving.
Actually… I think I prefer the fruit loops with chocolate milk. Have you ever tired it??
Mmm… mmm… yummy.
For some reason these Ore-Ida Potatoes sound like… french fries to me… extra crispy? Easy to make? Microwavable???
… I’m off to MickeyD’s!
mmmmmmmmmmmmm KFC potato wedges. Thanks for the lunch inspiration!
funny review as always:)
Tempting on all counts – super review!
“it will help get the taste of me out of her mouth” = funniest line in the review if you take it 100% literally.
I’ve enjoyed theimpulsivebuy.com since I first discovered it several months ago via linkage from another food related blog. Please please please change the font of the reviews back to something mere mortals like myself can see. Even with the resolution cranked all the way up it’s too tiny to see. Pleeeeeeeeease!
Eater, have you checked that your browser’s default text size isn’t set to be too small? The text seems to be pretty standard as far as I can tell.
If you haven’t given that a shot, go to View -> Text Size in your browser. I’ve know this works with both IE and Firefox. If you use a different browser, simply look for a similar option. You can make text really super huge via this method, so see if that helps.
Resolution-wise, your resolution could actually be set too high as well. As resolution increases, text sizes and the like will decrease. Maybe try 800×600 or 1024×768 unless you have a specific need for a super sharp resolution.
Hope some of that helped.
That is all.
YUCK. Marvo… eyew.
kagai – Thanks!
Eryn – If I do make you breakfast, you have to bring over your own condiments.
Danalyn – Then your husband would kick my ass, throw me into the trunk of his car, and leave me in the middle of nowhere naked. It’s like the old reality show called Lost except I’m naked. 🙂
Domokun – Thank goodness for Valtrex! 😉
Chuck – You can give women a four-minutes orgasm…you are a GOD!!! I want your powers!
Webmiztris – If there were an egg, it would totally rock, but probably taste like crap.
jokiebird – I hope so too, because if not, I’m going to become a cat lady, even though I’m a dude.
DJ At Work – Thanks! Itsa nice!
Abi – Burned your retinas? Are you sure that’s not from watching your food in the microwave? 🙂
Diana – YES! I have to power persuade people to buy stuff. 😉
Luck O’ the Irish – Can they be pink tiger striped fuzzy handcuffs?
Muneer – Damn this living on rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean!!!
Brie – Well I’m tired of cooking breakfast for only myself and using the leopard print handcuffs also only on myself.
Teresa – 🙂
KT – Yeah, you’d hit me…with an ugly stick and a shovel. 🙂
Melanie – What? No flower in a white vase? Or fine linen napkins?
Ace N. – That miniature microwave looks like Microsoft Word clipart.
tg – Go eat! Might I suggest Italian?
Heather Feather – I don’t think I’ve tried fruit loops with chocolate milk. Have you ever had Count Chocula with Nequik chocolate milk and Hershey’s chocolate shavings? Mmmm….
Barb – Hmm…I inspire you to eat a Burger King Triple Whopper. 😉
Erika – Even the herpes?
Adrian – Also, soap would probably get, my stinky funk off of her.
eater – I haven’t changed the size of the font. I think it’s probably your browser, like Rhawb says below.
Rhawb – Thanks for that.
Peachy – TIB does put the “ew” in review.
K – No, really. These potatoes are good…or are you talking about the herpes?
A little Cialis, a touch of potatoes, and whatever the kids are taking now for the herpes – and you are on the road to being a pimp.
I’m sort of curious what happens if you see the back panel AFTER opening the package.
Got such a laugh from this one, I may actually try the potatoes.
Hmm… I haven’t tried Count Chocula with Nequik chocolate milk and Hersheyâ€™s chocolate shavings yet. That’s so I’m my to-do list.
You are a funny, funny man. Nice review, I’ll have to try them. Skip the herpes for me though.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA just sprayed soda thru my nose!
let k-fed distribute the herpes, to his hood rat wife. but the taters sound great
Tickkid – Soon I will need a Pimp Cup.
Zadillo – I’m guessing I will be playing 52 card pick up, except with potatoes.
Lacey – Try the potatoes while laughing. That would be cool.
Heather Feather – I think Count Chocula is hard to find now, but I could be wrong about that.
Maddux Sports Blog – Yeah, no one likes a side order of herpes.
Cindy – Sorry, that must have been painful…and messy.
db cooper – Actually I really wish they would stop reproducing.
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