REVIEW: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea

Who knew pyramids were the perfect vessels for dried up, shriveled things, like the mummies of Egyptian pharaohs, Betty White’s game show career as a regular guest on $25,000 Pyramid, and the tea in the new Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Teas.

According to the Lipton website, the pyramid shape of the mesh bag allows it to have enough room for the hot water to infuse with the tea, better extracting its rich color and flavor, which sort of takes a page from the thermodynamics of underwear, “Restriction of air flow creates a funky smell you know.”

The instructions for the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea bags are as simple as any other bagged teas. Just pour hot water over it and steep for about three minutes.

You know what? I don’t think I like the word “steep” in this context, since the word could also have a totally different meaning like, “There’s a steep cliff there where we can dump the body.” I think I’ll create another term for this action.

Hmm…let me think.

Bag brewing? Nah.

Tea dipping? Nah.

Oh, I got it. Let’s call it teabagging.

I don’t know about you, but to me, teabagging is quite therapeutic. There’s something kind of nice about dipping my tea bag into the mouth of a mug. The warm steam coming up from the mug’s mouth, I think, would feel pretty good on my tea bag.

There are also several ways of teabagging. I could dip my tea bag in and out of the mouth of a mug or I could just leave it in the mug’s mouth until my tea bag is ready to come out. Both ways are equally satisfying. I also enjoy watching drops of liquid fall off the end of my tea bag and back into the mug’s mouth.

Anyway, the Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea is made from premium orange pekoe and pekoe cut black tea. Despite its name, the orange pekoe does not give the tea an orange flavor. It’s sort of like how Kevin Federline calling himself a rap artist doesn’t make him a rap artist, since no one else calls him one.

The Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea has a nice black tea flavor, which isn’t very bitter like regular Lipton tea, but it’s kind of plain and boring like all Tim Allen movies and probably could’ve used a little fruit infusion much like the other flavors in the Lipton Pyramid Tea line have. It also does make a nice refreshing iced tea when some ice cubes and sugar are added.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some serious teabagging to do.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long time Impulsive Buy reader Muneer for letting me know about the Lipton Pyramid Teas.)

Item: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea
Price: $5.69
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Tasty tea. 140 milligrams of antioxidants. 20 pyramid bags per box. Makes a good iced tea. Teabagging. Betty White in Golden Girls.
Cons: Kind of plain, could’ve used a little fruit infusion. Extremely pricey here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I know it’s a given, but I have to put Kevin Federline and Tim Allen movies here.

20 thoughts to “REVIEW: Lipton Black Pearl Pyramid Tea”

  1. Don’t forget Betty White’s multiple appearances on “The Match Game” 30 years ago. She still looked old then. Has she ever been young?

    Also, gotta love Wikipedia articles about slang terms. The official-sounding descriptions always have me howling with laughter! There’s got to be a term for those types of entries…

  2. Hey Marvo, remember, to make a cup of proper tea in the British tradition you need a teapot to put your teabags in. Or, you can put loose tea in if you prefer things “natural” and “without protection.” It really does make the tea taste better doing it this way. Anything less is like teabagging a drunken Paris Hilton who may vomit at any moment during the encounter.

  3. Wanna know what’s sad? I actually had to click on the “teabagging” link to find out what it was. o.0
    And yet… I love tea just the same. ^_^
    ::goes to get new black triangular shaped tea bags::

  4. teabagging huh? well, i always did like coffee more, maybe my subconcious knew the phrase “teabagging” could come into play. although there is always that “you want some cream in your coffee” thing…. oh innuendo, how i love thee

  5. You whippersnappers today with your teabagging and helicoptering and salad tossing…now, see, back in my day, we just hit all the bases, and we were happy with that. You had to pay with yer hardearned cash money for anything else.

    As for actual tea pyramids? Sounds like a scheme. Watch yer wallet.

  6. These, Ah say, these new-fangled pyramid teabags ain’t so new at all, son. Why, Brook Bond and Typhoo been doin it for years now!

    Nice boy, but about as swift as a Yugo runnin on one cylinder.

  7. Ewww…teabagging.

    When I saw the Black Pearl title, I thought it had something to do with Pirates of the Caribbean. And the pyramid seems more like decoration than anything else.

  8. Any true english major would know the context of “steep” in the description is a verb, while yours used it as an adjective. However, it was a worthy attempt to find an excuse to be forced to find alternative terminology.

  9. And that’s four. Five if you count the one telling me I won a contest, and ~4 more if you count every review during energy week. Thank you Mavro, for I am using your blog as a stepping stone to world domination!

    It’s expensive to be healthy. I just was reading some of the salads you reviewed awhile back and they are all expensive. That’s why the nationwide obesity rate and poverty rate kinda go hand in hand. The cheap boxed foods are waay [sic] cheaper than a bag of lettuce. Never was that way in the world, it used to be the poor people had to work for their food and the rich people sat in their chairs and had people bring them their big tall slurpee pops and big round pizzas while watching their big (stone) plasma television. Good example of the pendulum effect.

    Go out and vote tomorrow, everyone!

  10. And you forgot the “best” part of teabagging, when you FINALLY remove the tea bag from the mug (or “mug”) and have to wrap that string around it and squeeze it with all your might to get the last drops of tea out. And sometimes, the string cuts into bag. But hey, who doesn’t love tea?

  11. Does it really matter what shape the bag is when the whole thing is submerged in hot water? I think it’s a crock of shit.

    Oh, and your double entendre on teabagging is just so many levels of gross.

  12. I have to admit, I was really pretty nervous….. got halfway through this review and still no references to “teabagging”; I thought to myself “could this possibly be an Impulsive Buy review of a teabag without a reference to teabagging?”. Of course, my fears were unfounded. Thank you Marvo.

  13. A great article which raises with one or two technical issues. The word “teabagging” has actually existed for over a century amongst members of the tea trade – it refers to the packaging of tea in teabags of any size or shape. The ways or methods by which “teabagging” is performed by a tea packer (like Lipton) are also well defined amongst members of the tea trade – “teabagging” can be performed in the “Constanta-method”, the “IMA-method” and other well-accepted teabagging methods known amongst the trade. The phrase Orange Pekoe originated in China and, ironically, has no bearing whatever on the citrus fruit we call the “orange.” OP is one of many grades (leaf sizes, not qualities) by which camellia senensis (tea) is sorted. OP is the largest sized tea grade. At the opposite end of the spectrum, DUST is the smallest sized tea grade. Many people outside the tea trade guess – and mistakenly so – that OP tea is the “best” or “highest priced” tea grade. In many cases, the opposite is true – a tea factory’s DUST can frequently sell at substantially higher market prices than that factory’s OP. The reason Lipton calls describes this new Pyramid brand as being composed of “orange pekoe and pekoe cut black tea” is the same as why they describe all of their teabagged products with this same phrase – it’s a Lipton trademark phrase that’s existed for over a half century and it allows them the liberty of using any/all tea grades a factory produces without specifying the component factory grades to the public. Those are the only two helpful technical issues I hope I’ve clarified.

    The key greatness of your article is your descriptive phrase “plain and boring” – truly a hoot! You went onto try to defend your opinion on this particular Lipton tea blend, but it was wholly unnecessary. Your first phrase nailed the crappy components in this blend spot-on. If Lipton had chosen to use some quality tea components in this blend, you have my assurance it wouldn’t have tasted “plain and boring” (but it would have lowered Lipton’s profit margin on this brand substantially).

  14. Now that I think of it, the review could’ve been filled with more innuendo. Maybe a “pearl necklace” reference thrown in. Or a “long-leaf” joke.

  15. Wow I can’t believe they’re selling that crap for $5.69 a box!! You live in Hawaii where there are actual LUPICIA STORES, so you can get pretty good tea for pretty much the same price!

  16. the only tea ad’s that i would ever read, at least there an interesting play on tea, actually quite orginal. please all the english major’s bite me and go hang with k-fed.

  17. Ace N. – My next goal is hot chocolate.

    Mandy – That is why Wikipedia rocks.

    Chuck – I think anyone would vomit during the encounter.

    Heather Feather – Tsk. Tsk. Such a sheltered life. 🙂

    sam – Two words: Hot chocolate. Heh. Heh.

    Webmiztris – Thank you.

    Domokun – Oh, helicoptering. Such fun. Flexible fun.

    Senator Claghorn – I didn’t think a Yugo had any cylinders. I thought they were foot powered.

    Brie – If it did have something to do with the Pirates of the Caribbean, they probably would have sold a whole lot more.

  18. klew – I did it for the ESL students.

    Muneer – If you’re using TIB as a stepping stone for world domination, I have to tell you that you’re probably taking the wrong route.

    Luck O’ the Irish – I don’t seem to have a string long enough to get the last drops of tea.

    Toni – I think the pyramid give more room for the water to circulate around the tea, much like boxers give more circulation around…oh, nevermind.

    Zadillo – Of course, this means all future tea bag reviews can’t have any references to teabagging.

    13thProductions – Thanks for the knowledge! Orange pekoe is sort of like orange root, which I think is neither orange nor a root.

    Ace N. – Pearl necklace references will probably be used for the next milk review.

    christina – Yup, it is expensive. Especially since on the Lipton website it says it retails for under $4.

    db cooper – K-Fed definitely needs people to hang out with.

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