Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea

Just like closing your eyes to get beyond the extremely crooked teeth, unevenly drawn in eyebrows, and mysterious boils on the skin of the troll you’re getting it on with, closing your eyes while sucking on the new Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea smoothie will help you experience it beyond its color, which as you can see from the picture is possibly the same color as a cat’s diarrhea after drinking lots of egg nog.

Once you go beyond its color, you will find out that the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie is quite delicious and possibly one of the tastiest ways to get green tea antioxidants, which is one of the most popular health supplements out there.

It’s wayyyy more healthier than the ThighMaster and wayyyy more popular than Jazzercize.

The Tahiti Green Tea smoothie’s combination of green tea powder, mango, lemonade, orange juice, orange sherbet, nonfat frozen yogurt, ice, and extremely loud Jamba Juice blenders creates a concoction that I’ll be buying a lot of since I’m tired of my usual means of green tea consumption, which involves dipping a tea bag into a mug of hot water for two to four minutes and giggling to myself as thoughts of teabagging circle my immature head.

I really do like green tea, although it isn’t my favorite tea name to say — which is oolong tea. I drink it for its health benefits, caffeine content, and it allows me to do something Asian other than using chopsticks, eating sushi, watching anime, driving a Toyota, and taking something the United States invented and making it better.

Mango is the dominant flavor in the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie and the texture of it is slightly mango-ish. The green tea flavor is very light and there is a slight sourness from the lemonade.

An original size also contains 360 calories, 1.5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 105 milligrams of sodium, 85 grams of carbs, 3 grams of fiber, 77 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 140 percent of your daily recommended allowance of Vitamin A, 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C, 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of awesometasticness because you’re drinking a Jamba Juice, and 30 milligrams of caffeine.

Oooh! Oooh! 30 milligrams of caffeine! Sense my sarcasm!

That’s less caffeine than a can of Coke. It’s a nice amount if you’re trying to wean yourself off of the stimulant and it might be enough to kill an ant, but it’s not enough to get me through two pages of the Old English poem Beowulf or two minutes of anything with Ryan Seacrest in it.

But I like the Tahiti Green Tea smoothie so much that I’ll drink it for the antioxidants and great taste and then follow it up with a Red Bull chaser for the caffeine.

Item: Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea
Price: $4.72 (Original size)
Purchased at: Jamba Juice
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Green tea antioxidants. Very tasty. Mango-ey. Low fat. Saying oolong. Contains 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of awesometasticness.
Cons: Doesn’t look green. Looks like a cat’s diarrhea after drinking too much egg nog. Entire review consisted of only 15 sentences. Only 30 milligrams of caffeine. Just like having sex with trolls, drinking one is much better with your eyes closed. My inability to relay sarcasm with words without blatantly pointing it out. Reading Beowulf.

32 thoughts to “Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea”

  1. Ah, such a lovely color…reminds me more of dog’s vomit, though. Personally, my favorite tea name to say is “Darjeeling.”

  2. I actually love green tea. Too bad there is no Jamba Juice for miles, because I live in Connecticut.

  3. The thought of 2 pages of reading Beowulf …enduces projectile vomit the color of cat eggnog diarrhea or a Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea smoothie, whichever you prefer.

  4. Hey, pop a lid on the cup and I’ll drink it. Mango is one of the best flavors. But on the downside, it’s not cheap.

    My favorite tea-word: Chamomile. It just sounds so elegant. LOL.

  5. I am fairly sure I am nutritionally deficient in awesometasticness. And I loves me some tea of the greenish variety. The almighty spiteful spatula-wielding Ruler of the Cosmos has deprived me of access to a Jamba Juice, though.

    Heehee. It takes a very special mind to make a comparison between smoothie-drinking and troll-sexin’. 😉

  6. Is there a Starbucks nearby the Jamba Juice? I’ve noticed that there is always a Starbucks within a couple of blocks of a JJ (and I’ve seen around 40 JJ stores). I see Ryan Seacrest is neither a pro nor a con. I like to perform math problems in my head as an Asian thing to do.

  7. It’d be worth $4.75 to me to buy this concoction, walk next door to the Starbucks, make a few hacking/horking noises and blorp that sucker on their floor.

  8. here’s my experience with that jamba flavor: the dude behind the counter recommended it, so i said okay. after it was all whirled to goodness, he handed it to me. i took a zap, he asked me if it was good, and i said yes. then he proceeded to jump up and down and applaud. this was at the kahala jamba. so now i constantly associate that flavor with excited applause. could be worse, i suppose.

  9. Sep – Well I guess you’ll be using oysters as an aphrodisiac, since you can’t use mango.

    Chuck – Oooh, Darjeeling oolong. That would be even better to say.

    Hunter – I have a Jamba Juice two miles from me, but I hardly go to that one.

    Wednesday – And visa versa.

    Webmiztris – Just close your eyes and everything will be all right.

    Diana – I believe drowsiness sets in first.

    Brie – I pronounce it Sham-o-mile, which doesn’t make it elegant.

  10. ThatSpookyTallChick – Special = Troubled

    Abi Jones – The wheatgrass shot is also disgusting looking.

    kevin – I think all the Jamba Juice stores here are next to a Starbucks. I believe they are both plotting to take over the world.

    Suzanne – Happy belated Valentine’s Day to you.


    stephanie – Anything without poop is definitely wayyyy better than anything with poop. Even liver, peanut butter, and pickle sandwiches.

    Domokun – So are you going to blorp a Grande or Venti amount?

    stef – I think that Jamba Juice employee has been sniffing the Energy Boost a little too often.

  11. You know, if I blended up a bunch of oysters to make a crustacean puree, it would probably look a lot like this drink.

    You are a genius, Marvo!

  12. I drank too much last night, and when I saw that picture I almost got sick. You should start posting warnings, sort of like the NSFW (not safe for work), maybe you could post NSTLAADWTMBANHAWHAFLC (not safe to look at after drink way too much beer and now have a wicked hangover and feel like crap).

    I am going to crawl under my desk and take a short nap now. 🙂

  13. That color does look nasty, kind of like sea urchin. However, I’m a huge mango fan, and I like green tea, so I would definitely drink that.

    BTW, one of my favorite teas is cold barley tea, because in Japanese it’s called “mugi” (definitely not how you spell it) and I like saying the word “mugi”.

  14. Sep – But a lot more salty.

    DJ At Work – I could’ve put up a picture of a bald Britney Spears

    Toni – Moooogi. Cool!

  15. Egad, 360 calories vs. zero (unless I add sugar) in plain ol’ green tea. Think I’ll stick with the plain ol’ green tea. I’d rather get my bonus calorie consumption from chocolate. mmmmm, chocolate…

  16. You’re quite dedicated Marvo. Willing to drink cat diarrhea just for us? How sweet? You’ve definitely nailed the Valentine’s Day spirit on the head.

  17. I’m lovin’ the massive amounts of caffeine in this drink. That should for sure keep me going ALL day.

    Well, at least if it’s the winter solstice. Probably not though.

  18. Healthy? Not with enough sugar in it to kill a horse (or a hungarian hooker).. nearly everything at Jamba is full of sugar.. even the so called “healthier” stuff is full of it.. and if you can’t think of anything more interesting to do with an Asian, you’re full of it..

  19. Mellie Helen – But it’s refreshing in 80 degree weather here in Hawaii.

    TeesMyBody.com T-Shirts – Man, I can believe I just typed that whole thing. Anyway, it may look gross, but it is good.

    Noelle – Actually, I wish I could beat the Valentine’s Day spirit with a mace or huge club.

    calvin – It they would add one more zero to the amount of caffeine in it, it would be soooo much better.

    Abi Jones – With wheatgrass shots all I have to say is, thank goodness for the orange wedge. That helps.

    blender – Yes, there is a chance of a link exchange!

    jane – Well I don’t know how much of that sugar is from fruit and how much of it is processed, but they do make it taste good.

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