REVIEW: Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints

Oh, Peppermint Altoids!

Your curiously strong powers have thwarted my plans for world domination time and time again. How can I continue to scare away pretty women, make babies cry and make salespeople regret approaching me with you constantly freshening my breath with your curiously strong minty powers?

I have attempted to increase my super stench powers to match your powers by not brushing my teeth, not flossing, not showering, not using deodorant, not changing my socks, and even not wiping, but my power-increasing experiments on myself have proved too much for even my dull nose to handle.

But recently, I have come across a compound that has the ability to weaken your curiously strong minty powers and turn you into a mere mint, like your weakling friends Tic Tacs and Certs. It is the kryptonite that will bring your doom, as well as the world’s. Muahaha. Muahaha.

This compound is dark chocolate.

Don’t you find it ironic that dark chocolate with its healthy flavonoid antioxidants also has the ability to cause harm to your curiously strong super powers, Altoids? Muahaha. Muahaha.

Don’t you also find it interesting that the word “dark” is in dark chocolate? Because when you’re defeated, the world will be a dark place when I rule it with my bad breath. Muahaha. Muahaha.

Oh, I can imagine it now. I can eat onions, garlic and a variety of fermented foods and go up to a person and talk to them using a lot of words with the letter “o” in them and verbally stress every single one: OOOOH, DOOOO YOOOOU KNOOOOW, HOOOOW TOOOO GOOOO TOOOO TOOOOLEDOOOO OOOOHIOOOO?

I could harm hundreds of people with that phrase alone.

Not even your curiously strong Super Friends, Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids, can stop me from polluting the air with my bad breath and making it very uncomfortable to sit next to me on a crowded bus or in coach class on an airplane. Muahaha. Muahaha.

So try and stop me, Peppermint Altoids.

Oh, you’re facing me head on with Cinnamon Altoids and Ginger Altoids? You’ve got balls, Peppermint Altoids, just like your Peanuts cartoon strip character namesake Peppermint Patty has. But I’ve got dark chocolate and I’m going to use it to weaken all of your curiously strong powers.

So how does it feel to be covered it dark chocolate in my mouth, my breath-freshening friends? Is it dark? It must be…dark. Oh, the dark chocolate is so delicious in so many ways, especially on you, Peppermint Altoids and Cinnamon Altoids. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Seconds later)

W-w-what is going on? The dark chocolate is melting in my mouth.


Your curiously strong minty, cinnamony, and gingery powers have broken through my layer of dark chocolate, freshening my breath and making me powerless and non-pungent. Actually, except the Ginger Altoids, you’re kind of gross. I must flee!

You may have won this battle, Altoids. But you will not win the war. I’ll be back, and when I do, mark my words, you will regret it and smell it. Muahaha. Muahaha.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Marc at Hunter PR who sent samples to me a few weeks ago. Also, for more Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints reviews, go visit Candyblog and Candy Addict.)

Item: Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received free from Marc at Hunter PR
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Dark chocolate is good for you. Cinnamon and Peppermint versions were good. Once the chocolate melts away, Altoids can save the day with their curiously strong powers from bad breath bad guys.
Cons: Dark chocolate is temporarily bad for Altoids’ curiously strong minty powers. Chocolate melts away too fast. Ginger Altoids was my least favorite. Tic Tacs and Certs are weaklings. My thwarted plans for world domination. My breath without Altoids.

20 thoughts to “REVIEW: Altoids Dark Chocolate Dipped Mints”

  1. Curses, foiled again! Actually, my favorite Altoids product is their curiously strong Cinnamon Gum, which is also sugar-free. But these mints (except for the ginger ones) sound interesting also…I may have to give the peppermint ones a try.

  2. I can handle not changing your socks or using deodorant, but not WIPING? Oh, the humanity.

    But the mints sound yummy.

  3. *gags* can’t they leave altoids alone? even after a night of drinking, the dark chocolate bit doesn’t appeal to me…

  4. This one time, I had this sour cherry altoid gum stuff, and instead of just losing it’s flavor it turned into thick white liquified badness all suddenly, while it was being chewed.

    Despite how dirty all that sounds it was actually a very frightening experience. I shall never masticate an altoid gum product again. =)

    The mints sounds interesting though. And you’d make an excellent world-domination-bent-supah-fiend, Marvo!

  5. While I haven’t tasted the chocolate covered version, I am a big fan of the ginger Altoids. But then again, you actually have to like ginger 😉 Not gingerale, but real ginger as in the very spicy spice. I know most people will not like the ginger altoids, but it is worth a try because people that actually like them, love them.

  6. Marvo, for the next battle you should try not changing your underwear too… Bad breath and dirty underpants FTW!

  7. teehee I totally thought you typed toodle-loo…

    These dark chocolate dipped Altoids sound a little too “curious.” An original Altoid is great, but I can’t imagine this having a pleasant flavor.

  8. stephanie – geh. definitely geh.

    Chuck – I’m waiting for the Super Curiously Strong Altoids Cinnamon Gum. FEEL THE BURN!!!

    Brie – Not wiping is my most potent weapon.

    Tamara – I’m waiting for Altoids Minty Soda. That would be messed up.

    ThatSpookyTallChick – If I ruled the world, I’d make everyone wear 80’s hair band tour t-shirts. I’ll probably make you wear Def Leppard.

    Aldebrana – I guess it’s like ginger snaps, some people love them and some people hate them, but enough people love them to keep them in production.

    Zadillo – They are fantastic…Fantastic at thwarting my evil plans!

    Alex – No deodorant, bad breath, and unclean underwear? That is a possibility.

    skibs – Toodle-loo? That would make another excellent word to share my bad breath with. Thank yoooou soooo much!

  9. I just love the fact that 5 paragraphs end in Muahaha. Muahaha. I don’t know why, but it makes me happy!

  10. Actually, the not wiping part probably contributes to the dirty underpants part, so you are partly on your way. I think that the not changing them will keep your aroma high enough that it won’t be masked by the Altoids. Reach for the stars Marvo.

  11. luckinflux – Because you are EVIL! Just like me! Muahaha. Muahaha.

    Clevegal42 – I also thought about rolling around in a pig pen.

  12. To me those chocolate-covered Altoids sound frightening. Like covering Pepto-Bismol tablets in chocolate, because Altoids have that same weird chalky consistency.

  13. Melanie – Actually, I liked the taste of Pepto-Bismol growing up, but haven’t had any in a long time. You know what would be messed up? Ex-Lax covered Pepto-Bismol.

  14. OK, now that you’ve mentioned NOT wiping AND dark chocolate Altoids, I really can’t get the idea that one leaves something that looks similar to the other out of my head. You’ve won again Marvo. Mwahahaha. MWAHAHAHAHA…

  15. I dunno about that ginger flavor, but the dark chocolate covered cinammon and peppermint do sound quite intriguing. I love me some dark chocolate.

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