Month: June 2007

REVIEW: Wrigley’s 5 Gum

Marvo 27 Comments

The new Wrigley’s 5 gum is being marketed to teens, young adults and anyone else who looks like they belong in the audience for MTV’s TRL.

I’m sure Wrigley’s is hoping that this new sugar-free gum becomes a trend among this valuable age demographic, but I don’t think their public relations people, who sent me three boxes of Wrigley’s 5 gum to review, realized that sending me those samples will probably kill any chance of it becoming popular, because I’m the Grim Reaper when it comes to trends. When I use or do something that’s considered trendy, popular or cool, I unintentionally kill it with my scythe of uncoolness.

It’s like when William Hung sings a song, he ruins it forever. I can’t dance to the Ricky Martin song “She Bangs” anymore because of him.

Speaking of dancing, I have stopped the popularity of so many dance moves that I am not allowed to be on or around a dance floor. I killed the Macarena, The Bangles “Walk Like An Egyptian” dance, Riverdancing, the Electric Slide and whatever that dance Flavor Flav does in Public Enemy music videos.

There was supposed to be a third Breakin’ breakdancing movie called Breakin’ 3: Pop and Lock With Me, but that was cancelled thanks to me and my attempts to do the Worm.

Sure, trends aren’t meant to last forever, but I have the ability to give them an earlier death than the trend hoped for, which helps ensure them a place in a future VH1 retrospective special. You’d think someone out there would thank me for this curse, especially those who used to wear fanny packs or clothing that came in neon fluorescent colors and those who drank Zima, but I haven’t gotten a thank you card or an A&E Biography about me.

So by chewing the Wrigley’s 5 gum I’ve already made it uncool, much like how I killed the phrase, “Fo’ shizzle, ma nizzle” and ruined the Rachel hairstyle made popular by Jennifer Aniston during her Friends days. I probably even ruined the product’s marketing slogan, “5 is the new black,” even though I’m not quite sure what it means. To be honest, its name sounds like something very random that was either pulled out of a hat or pointed to on a refrigerator with a magnetic poetry kit by someone who was blindfolded or an extremely inebriated Britney Spears.

Each pack of Wrigley’s 5 gum has 15 sticks and there are only three flavors: Cobalt, Rain and Flare, which is “cool speak” for peppermint, spearmint and cinnamon, and is now no longer cool because I mentioned it. Its slim, black packaging looks trendy and fits well in the front pocket of my jeans, but because I think it’s trendy, it’s no longer trendy.

If you’ve had any spearmint, peppermint or cinnamon gum from Wrigley’s, you probably won’t notice much of a difference with the Wrigley’s 5. It’s like listening to the Nickelback songs “How You Remind Me” and “Someday.” The intensity of each flavor isn’t as strong as their regular Wrigley’s counterparts, but each stick lasted surprisingly long, like a piece of Extra gum.

Overall, Wrigley’s 5 gum is good, but doesn’t seem like it’s anything innovative.

Although, all of that doesn’t really matter since I already killed any chance of it being popular by chewing it. It’s much like how I stopped the spread of Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star shoes, Starter jackets, the 7-Up “Up Yours” green t-shirts, Slap bracelets, acid washed jeans, Where’s Waldo? books, Members Only jackets, and Techno music.

Item: Wrigley’s 5 Gum
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Received from nice people at a PR firm
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like other peppermint, spearmint or cinnamon gum from Wrigley’s, you’ll probably like these. 15 sticks of gum. Nice packaging and its slim shape makes it easier to slip in my jeans front pocket. Long lasting flavor. Stopping the popularity of fanny packs, bright florescent clothes and Zima.
Cons: Not anything innovative. Product name seems kind of random. My ability to kill trends. No A&E Biography about me. Acid washed jeans. An extremely inebriated Britney Spears, because you might end up married to her.

NEWS: Why Must All Sports Drinks End With The Suffix -ade?

Marvo 17 Comments

Gatorade, Powerade, and now Accelerade.

Apparently everyone back in the day at Gatorade wasn’t drinking Gatorade to replenish their fluids, because their dehydration prevented them from realizing they should’ve patented the suffix -ade. They would be richer than they are right now, because they could’ve gotten some major royalties from the other -ades.

So what makes Accelerade different than the other -ades?

According to its website, it’s the first sports drink to contain carbohydrates and protein in a patented 4:1 ratio, which is just the right amount of protein to optimize the absorption of fluid. Patented, eh? It seems like Accelerade has been drinking the Accelerade.

The 4:1 ratio of carbs to protein may seem fine for dehydration, but such a high ratio of carbs might upset Dr. Atkins so much that he’ll release another Atkins diet book from beyond the grave, sort of like what Tupac has done with his last several albums.

Accelerade comes in four flavors: Citrus Grapefruit, Peach Mango, Fruit Punch and Mountain Berry. They’re available at participating 7-Eleven stores, but none of the 7-Elevens I buy my high fructose corn syrup-filled products from has them in stock.

[Site:] Accelerade

NEWS: Dawn Dishwashing Detergent Helps With Grease Cutting…And Now Cheese Cutting

Marvo 12 Comments

Remember when Palmolive dishwashing soap was advertised to soften hands while you did the dishes? That was pretty much the extent of multitasking dishwashing detergents. All the others were just one trick ponies, because they were only good for washing dishes.

However, that has changed a little thanks to the new Dawn Simple Pleasures, which has an air freshener in the base of the bottle to help keep your kitchen smelling fresh and grease fighting Dawn detergent on top to give your kids a chore to do to teach them about responsibility, while you sit on the couch and watch TV.

Waterproof beads in the bottom compartment release appealing scents that cover your bad cooking or the flatulence caused by your bad cooking. It comes in three scents: Apple & Pear, Water Lily & Jasmine, and Lemon & Tangerine

I could see the Dawn Simple Pleasures as a bachelor’s dream, covering the stank caused by a few weeks worth of dishes in the sink. Of course, the bachelor’s rule of dishwashing is, “If it don’t stink, just leave it in the sink.” But thanks to the Dawn Simple Pleasures and its stank covering abilities, the rule may not need apply anymore or it may need a slight rewrite.

Perhaps, “If your plates have roaches scuttlin’, then it’s time to do some scrubbin’.”

[Site:] Dawn

REVIEW: Java Monster

Marvo 23 Comments

Java Monster

I’ve never been in prison — unless watching an episode of the HBO series Oz counts — but Mean Bean, Big Black, and Loca Moca sound like nicknames of people who would rape you in a prison shower, but they’re actually the flavors of the new Java Monster premium coffee drinks.

For those of you who are regular energy drink drinkers, Monster is most likely a familiar name because you’ve probably drank from one of their cans for liquid energy sustenance during either a 24-hour Halo 2 session, a History 151 final exam cram session, or while accidently listening to New Age music.

With their Java Monster coffee drinks, they’ve taken 1,000 milligrams of taurine, 200 milligrams of Panax Ginseng, and their “energy blend” found in their popular energy drinks, which consists of L-Carnitine, Glucose, Caffeine, Guarana, Inositol, Glucuronolactone, and Maltodextrin, and stuffed it into a coffee drink, like Rosie putting on spandex.

With 120 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 20 grams of carbs, 19 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 20% of calcium, and 100% of your recommended daily allowances of Vitamin C, riboflavin, Niacin, Vitamin B6, and Vitamin B12 the Java Monster coffee drinks have about the same nutritional values as their colorful Monster Energy Drink cousins.

On the can of Java Monster, it says it contains half the caffeine of regular coffee, but twice the buzz, which slightly concerned me since I’m a huge proponent of caffeine and would probably snort it using rolled up hundred dollar bills if given the option.

Oh wait. That’s cocaine. I’m sorry. I got my drugs that start with the letter C mixed up.

If Java Monster gives twice the buzz, I wonder if I could triple or quadruple the buzz by drinking a Java Monster while either sniffing rubber cement, inhaling the gas that comes out of canned whipped cream, or painting my bathroom canary yellow without a mask and then passing out on the floor?

Of course, I could try to do all of that at the same time while drinking a Java Monster, but I’m not Lindsay Lohan.

Despite not having as much caffeine as regular coffee, the Java Monster did give me a nice boost of energy and did it with a great taste. All the flavors had a delicious even balance of coffee and cream flavor that was really easy to drink. They weren’t too sweet, nor were they too bitter.

However, just like choosing which of Hugh Hefner’s three girlfriends I like best — because they all look alike and probably have the same STDs from Hef — it’s hard to choose which Java Monster flavor I prefer, since they pretty much all taste the same.

Item: Java Monster
Price: $1.99 each (15 ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Great tasting. Despite not having as much caffeine as regular coffee, it does give a nice energy boost. Easy to drink. Uses reduced fat milk. Big 15-ounce cans.
Cons: They taste all the same. Flavor names sound like prison inmate nicknames. Only half the caffeine of regular coffee. Rosie putting on spandex. Accidently listening to New Age music. Having sex with Hugh Hefner.