Nilla Cakesters

With the introduction of Nilla Cakesters, the milking of the Cakesters brand has begun and we can officially start the countdown to Nutter Butter Cakesters, which is less exciting than a Space Shuttle countdown, but less creepy than a Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

It seemed like Nilla wafers were the bastard child in the Nabisco family and not loved at all, until these Nilla Cakesters were introduced. While Oreo and Nutter Butter have lickable cream centers and Oreos come in more variations than women at a quality Nevada whorehouse, Nilla wafers (or Illa Nilla, as the kids like to call them) have been just plain vanilla over the years: no limited edition variation, no chocolate version, and Santa Claus not only rejects them at Christmas, he drags out of bed the kids who left them there, burns their lump of coal in front of them, and then brands the kid’s arm with it.

The Nilla Cakesters remind me of Brooke Hogan because they both have bland looking round golden cakes, white filling, and the inability to spell the word “vanilla” correctly. They also look like the smaller, less-phallic cousin of Twinkies, and much like Twinkies, the Nilla Cakesters had a greasy taste and feel to it. Its greasiness surprised me, since the cake in the Nilla Cakesters was quite dry. A vanilla flavor was pretty much non-existent, unless the greasy flavor is some Nabisco Nutrition Nerd’s interpretation of vanilla, which if it is, that nerd needs to get back into the laboratory and create some better tasting and more realistic processed shit.

Until then, Nilla wafers will continue to be the Rodney Dangerfield of the Nabisco family.

(Nutrition Facts – 2 cakes – 220 calories, 10 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 35 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbs, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 2% iron and 10.56 ounces of illa.)

Item: Nilla Cakesters
Price: $3.00
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Contains polyunsaturated fat and monounsaturated fat, which have health benefits. No trans fat. Nevada whorehouses. Oreos. The Space Shuttle. Weezer’s video for “Pork and Beans.”
Cons: Greasy flavor and feel. Cake was dry. High Fructose Corn Syrup. The chaos when Santa is given Nilla wafers. Miley Cyrus 18th birthday countdown website.

16 thoughts to “Nilla Cakesters”

  1. I tried these and I have to say; they’re pretty skanky. It was like… eating crisco mixed with sugar after part of it dried out.

    Not that I would know. Really.

    Maybe I should stop talking.

  2. I think the only thing creepier than the Miley Cyrus countdown website would be a Michael Jackson reality show called Sleepover Party.

  3. Bummer. For some reason I really wanted you to like these and tell me I should like them too. Although, I have a feeling that late at night with a little Mary Jane, I could really end up jonesing for these.

  4. What?? When did you start doing podcasts? So now I have the option of either reading TIB posts or listening to the soothing tone of Marvo’s voice reciting them to me in my Ford Focus on the way to work? This is totally redonk, I can’t even fully wrap my brain around this right now.

  5. That’s disapointing, I wanted try them as I love the plain nilla wafers and I love the orea cakesters. Myabe I will stick with the twinkies…mmmm twinkies…

    That Miley Cyrus website is creepy… hell she is creepy. Looks like her dad..

  6. My understanding is that they’re called Nilla wafers, because they don’t actually contain vanilla, but rather an artificial vanilla flavoring. You know, truth in advertising and all that.

    These cakesters sound disgusting.

  7. Alisha – Yup, I agree with you. These were pretty skanky and probably pop out of Paris Hilton’s va-jay-jay.

    Anita – I agree with you on both points. I kick Nilla Cakesters to the curb.

    Shannon – Really gross.

    Kylie – I can’t be used in banana pudding either because its yellow color frightens me.

    liz – I like regular Nilla wafers too.

    Chuck – …and I’ll but you five dollars that FOX will make that.

    Dee – What won’t people crave when with a little sticky icky?

    Stacey – My voice is like NPR, except even more sleep inducing.

    Lex – Oh, you’ve just ruined all my fantasies about her…Er…wait, too much information there I should not have said.

    Reprobate – My first draft of this review was exactly what you wrote.

    tamatha – “Truth” and “advertising” Don’t you dare put those two words in the same sentence. It’s like oil and water. 🙂

    demondoll – Nilla, like chocolatey and like Kim Kardashian.

  8. Gede Nibo (one of the spirits of the dead I honor in my Vodou practice) absolutely loves the chocolate Oreo Cakesters… I tried Nilla cakesters, and decided if I tried to offer Nibo Nilla Cakesters, he’d probably bury me upside down when it’s my time to go. I echo Alisha’s sentiments exactly, sugar, Crisco… but where’s the flavor?

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