REVIEW: Uber Bubble Stride Gum

I was once left with a case of blue balls because a woman said to me on my college dorm room bed that French kissing me is like French kissing a dog because my tongue just hangs out of my mouth and there’s drool everywhere.

While I did come back with the line, “Well, how would you know what it’s like to French kiss a dog, Ms. Bestiality,” which caused her to storm out of my dorm room and making the blue scrunchy signal for my roommate on the outside door knob meaningless, it did make me wonder if my inability to properly stick my tongue in a woman’s mouth is the reason why I lack the tongue dexterity to spread out a large enough surface area to create a bubble with a piece of chewing gum. Well, it looks like it’s time to test my tongue dysfunction with the Uber Bubble Stride Gum.

Like frat boys who brag about having the sexual prowess of porn stars, Stride Gum proudly claims that it’s extremely long lasting. Unfortunately, one person’s idea of “long lasting” may not equal to another person’s idea of “long lasting.” For example, the frat boy may think three minutes of pleasure is perfect, but the unsatisfied co-ed beneath him probably isn’t happy about the quickie that lasted the same amount of time it takes for her to brush her teeth.

As for the Stride Gum, it took about 20 minutes or so before it lost all flavor and I had the urge to spit it out. While that’s enough time to satisfy a co-ed and then cuddle with her, I like the flavor of the gum I chew to last a little longer than that. In other words, a little more uber.

The Uber Bubble Stride Gum’s initial flavor tasted like, I’m not kidding, the wood of a number two pencil, but after a few seconds it disappears and is replaced with a mellow bubble gum flavor. It’s not as strong as Bazooka Gum, but it’s much better and longer lasting than a piece of gum that came out of a 25-cent machine or a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. However, its flavor was nowhere near uber.

While my taste buds don’t think it has an uber bubble gum flavor or is uber lasting, I was hoping I could at least make uber bubbles with a piece (or four) of the Stride Gum, but I was unable to make any bigger than an inch in diameter. I think I was unable to do it because the gum wasn’t soft enough, like Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious, to create a good bubble. And because my dysfunctional tongue still doesn’t have enough dexterity, despite all the French kissing practice I’ve done with my fist.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Uber Bubble Stride Gum
Price: $1.12
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mellow bubble gum flavor. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time, but uberer would be better. Better than the gum from a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. Sugarfree.
Cons: Can’t make bubbles with one piece. Bubble gum flavor was nowhere near uber. Initial flavor was like a number two pencil. Three minute men. My inability to blow uber bubble gum bubbles. Blue balls.

20 thoughts to “REVIEW: Uber Bubble Stride Gum”

  1. Hahah. Yeah, it’s a pretty “tough” or “thick” gum. I like Stride…my preferred is Orbit. Sometimes their fruity flavors are strange though. I think this is just supposed to taste like bubblegum and not actually be a bubblegum.

  2. Haha, it’s funny you mentioned that….as soon as I read that I thought “huh, I’ve never paid attention to the first few seconds of taste…” You see, I multi-task and I’m always doing something else whist chewing my gum. Next time I’ll pay attention and get back to you 🙂

  3. So, what you’re saying is that long lasting doesn’t necessarily mean satisfying?

    This was a sex advice column, wasn’t it?

  4. Good god, uber is German and its not spelled like that. Its spelled über. with the dots on the u. No offense to you, but cant the freakin manufacturers at least try to do a decent job at researching… pisses me off!

  5. Hmmm a 6 out of 10, that seems reasonably hobo ready, still I don’t know about that stuff “wood from a no.2 pencil” that’s kind of….um… gross…still if it mellows out and is at least half as good as bazooka is then it is chewable

  6. Peter with the zzzzzzing!

    @Marvo – I did not really notice the #2 pencil taste 😛 …but that may be due to the death of my taste buds from mass consumption of artificial sweeteners.

  7. Gum who the hell wants gum. Give me a steak or get the hell out of the way you see im a real man


  8. I used to eat so much Big League Chew as a kid and never got a cavity somehow. My parents are Dentists and would murder me for saying that, but it’s totally true! yummmmm.

  9. UBER bubble? What a weird name. It might be a good porn star name for someone that was going for that German style image, though. Uber Schlong or something.

  10. If it were an 80s metal gum, it’d have an umlaut. Or three.

    @Neil: You forgot the hammer.

  11. Extra Classic Bubble Gum is the best sugar-free bubble creating (little bubbles, but possible) gum with long lasting flavor in my mind.
    Also…way to go internets…uber is now everyone’s word! Even all of us without the capabilities of making a neat ü. Marketing did alright there.

  12. I just got this stuff this weekend and MAN was it crappy. I couldn’t blow bubbles even with two pieces, and mine had a combo of bubblegum flavor and weird berry flavor crystals. Yuck.

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