Hello readers! Iâ€™m Jasper, one of The Impulsive Buyâ€™s new reviewers. Iâ€™ll have to keep this introduction short, since I wrote this on Taco Tuesday and I hate typing while sitting on the toilet. “Whoa, a poop joke in his very first paragraph,” you just gasped. Yeah, thatâ€™s right. I plan on being a real high-brow writer, so you better get used to it.
Iâ€™m fresh out of college and living in Boston, though I spent my first 18 years in New Jersey. (Yes, I do use a lot of hair gel; no, Iâ€™ve never worn sunglasses at night.) Food has always been very important to me, and Iâ€™ve always been something of an overeater. I distinctly remember being 6 years old, inhaling one too many ribs at the local Sizzler, and throwing up on the welcome mat on the way out. To be honest, things havenâ€™t really changed over the years: my final semester, I left an exam two hours early because the dining halls were serving a limited number of hand-breaded chicken tenders for only the second day all year, and hell if I was going to prioritize graduating on schedule over gorging myself on those delicious tenders one last time.
But just because I value quantity doesnâ€™t mean Iâ€™m unable to recognize quality. On the contrary, Iâ€™ve developed a pretty discerning palate thanks to a huge appetite that has allowed me to try both a large amount and a wide variety of foods. If a product tastes terrible, Iâ€™ll be able to tell you as much. Itâ€™s just that Iâ€™ll probably eat the rest of the bag/bowl/box anyway.
In terms of my prose, my only recent experience with “humor” writing has involved spending way too much time crafting hilarious jokes for emails that people probably barely glanced at. Needless to say, Iâ€™m very happy to have a bigger platform and hopefully a more attentive audience. Iâ€™ll strive to dazzle and delight you, though a more realistic goal would be to keep you occupied for at least a couple minutes after youâ€™ve played all of todayâ€™s Sporcle quizzes.
Itâ€™s been a pleasure to make your acquaintance, TIB readers. And now, Iâ€™m off to the bathroom.