REVIEW: Burger King Mozzarella Fries

I thought I’d seen all the shapes fried mozzarella could come in: cylindrical, square-ish, flat (looking at you, TGI Fridays), wedges, balls, curds… but I can confidently say that Burger King has surprised me with its new Mozzarella Fries.

To be clear, it’s not the “Mozzarella” part that’s new, just the conjunction with the “Fries” part. Burger King has had a more traditionally named and shaped order of mozzarella sticks on its menu before, but like its beloved poultry predecessor, the Chicken Fries, this new creation takes those standard sticks and stretches them into a longer, thinner shape (no potatoes are actually involved) and plops them into a cute and colorful carton for convenient—and showy—snacking.

However, I did have some confusion about whether they were intended to be an appetizer or the main event. I ordered mine from the “Sides” section on the kiosk, which seems pretty self-explanatory, but I was also given the more meal-esque option of 4, 8, or 12 pieces and an offer to actually “Make it a meal?” by adding, well, regular fries. That seemed like a bit of a stretch (no pun intended), so I demurred, but I still ordered the largest size and got something that at least resembled a proper dinner in terms of portion, if not nutritional content.

Anyway, the ideal mozzarella stick for me is one with cheese that’s dense rather than stretchy, with the mozzarella and the breading being such distinct entities that you can nibble the breading off entirely without marring the solid contents within. That, as I guessed just by looking at them, is not the experience provided by the Mozzarella Fries. The cheese and the breading here are quite codependent; when you take a bite of the thick, crisp outside, the hot, runny inside instantly loses its shape, oozing out in an Instagram-worthy cheese pull.

The thinness of these sticks makes them quite brittle, too: a good portion of my order was bent or snapped completely in half, which didn’t really detract from the quality but was interesting to note in comparison to the sturdier, stabler conventional mozzarella stick.

And just like it doesn’t have much of its own shape, the mozzarella doesn’t have much of its own flavor either. The toasty breading, which was fried potently enough to give off a powerful smell and had a small bit of zest from a spice I couldn’t identify but whose presence I appreciated, made up most of the taste experience. Even when I nibbled some of the stretchy cheese on its own, I was hard-pressed to come up with a description for it. It was just mild (and perhaps even, as the kids would say, “mid”).

These come with marinara sauce on the side, which seemed like a sensible way to jazz things up… but don’t be fooled. I was mildly concerned upon opening my packet and seeing a dark, gelatinous mass that looked more like barbecue sauce. I should have heeded that discomfort because the sauce was so acidic it tasted like I was dipping my Mozzarella Fries in straight vinegar.

Overall, though, these still provided a great experience—the novel fry shape and the joyfulness of mozzarella sticks, in general, were fun enough that I was happy to overlook the fact that they’re ever so slightly lackluster. Apologies for being cheesy, but there is “mozz” to like!

Purchased Price: $6.39
Size: 12 pieces
Rating: 7 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 730 calories, 36 grams of fat, 2,350 milligrams of sodium, 71 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of sugar, and 29 grams of protein.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Grandma McFlurry

The cruelest words you can hear in a McDonald’s are, “The ice cream machine is broken,”… but a kindly guardian grandmother must have been watching over me on my most recent visit because no technical difficulties came between me and the new Grandma McFlurry.

Yes, I can hear you scratching your head from here. The new what now? So, I’m just going to come out and say it—the ambiguous name has to be a reference to the Werther’s Original hard candies that just seem to universally, perpetually, magically accumulate in the homes of people of a certain age, right?

Or maybe not, because, unlike those classic caramel treats, the new geriatric-named McFlurry (whose true flavor was sneakily never actually mentioned in the initial press release, drumming up quite the mystique) has turned out to be butterscotch-based.

Atop the creamy pillow of vanilla ice cream, there are both butterscotch crumbles and a butterscotch swirl. In my McFlurry, the crumbles rested pretty much entirely on top, and while there was some syrup there too, I found that most of it quickly sunk to the bottom. That meant that mine didn’t look much like the promotional image—a bountiful, evenly-swirled beauty with alternating layers of copious syrupy gold—but the ratio of toppings to ice cream was great, and the taste was even better, so I had nothing to complain about.

Though some grandmas have a reputation for being crotchety, this treat made me feel more crochet-y—as in so joyful that, like a tender-hearted elder, I felt the urge to craft a sweater for my (not-yet-existent) grandchild. My McFlurry was sweeter than Grandma’s cookies. Yet with such a well-rounded creaminess, plus a tinge of saltiness from the butterscotch, that the sugariness never overwhelmed.

The ice cream had a silky texture and a full flavor, but of course, the butterscotch bits were the stars of the septuagenarian-inspired show. For me, the crumbles, in particular, knocked it out of the park/nursing home. As I mentioned, I went in with hard candy on the brain, so it was a pleasant surprise to find that these, while solid, were also unexpectedly tender: crumbly and satisfyingly yielding when I bit down but practically melt-in-your-mouth when I didn’t. They reminded me of the inside of a Butterfinger bar, and while they don’t contain any peanut butter, the orange-y color, crackly texture, and sweetness certainly felt familiar (and delicious). (And speaking of comparisons, I also found the whole thing to smell, comfortingly and nostalgically, just like Waffle Crisp cereal.)

As for the syrup, it was thinner than I would have thought but still retained an impressively rich taste. In fact, the blending together of the runny syrup with the ice cream that started to melt and pool at the bottom of the cup resulted in a malty, cereal-milk-esque experience that I really enjoyed.

No matter what exactly the Grandma McFlurry reminds you of, I think it pulls off its job of evoking warm, cozy, happy memories perfectly. No matter your age, gender, or preference in seemingly-endlessly-refilled household candies, I suggest you slide on your slippers, grab your walker, and embrace your inner senior citizen at McDonald’s today.

Purchased Price: $6.19
Size: Regular
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 600 calories, 12 grams of fat, 340 milligrams of sodium, 102 grams of carbohydrates, 86 grams of sugar, and 11 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Gatorade Limited Edition Midnight Ice

Gatorade Midnight Ice, as its angsty color and name suggest, is a bit of an oddball. Most of the better-known Gatorade variants hint at their flavor via their color, like the grape-flavored light purple Riptide Rush, or blatantly call out the flavor in their name — you can’t get more straightforward than the orange, well, Orange. But it’s hard to put a finger on what fruit this black drink is supposed to evoke. It’s as if this emo-looking Gatorade is lamenting, “No one understands me!” In fact, it seems like the whole point of this flavor is to be mysterious and slightly spooky. Just look at the promo photos, which present Midnight Ice as an inky abyss darker than a vampire’s soul!

Unfortunately, as soon as you lay eyes on this flavor in real life, it’s apparent that its color is way closer to purple than jet black. And also… it tastes pretty similar to any other cool-colored Gatorades I’ve had. If you gave me a blind taste test of Midnight Ice and, let’s say, Cool Blue and Fierce Grape (and yes, I did have to pop onto the helpfully color-coded Gatorade Wiki to find those names instead of using my usual pet names for them, plain old “Blue” and “Purple”), I’m not confident I could tell the difference.

But of course, that comparison is only helpful if you’ve had a similar Gatorade flavor before. How would I describe this to someone with no frame of reference?

Honestly, I think the “purple=grape” association is so hard-wired that that’s my immediate comparison, even though upon further reflection, the taste doesn’t really feel as grape-y as the color does. When I close my eyes and open my mind, what comes to mind is that Midnight Ice is a rich yet mellow blend that’s kind of sweet, kind of tart, kind of tangy, kind of salty, and more than kind of artificial tasting… and yet all of these seemingly conflicting flavors work. It’s vaguely reminiscent of cough syrup yet so drinkable that the prospect of consuming a 28-ounce bottle feels comforting, not repulsive. It’s refreshing, the kind of more-exciting-than-water-but-still-not-too-overwhelming beverage that’s easy to crave and chug, whether you’re exercising, recovering from an illness, or just trying to beat the heat. All in all, while the drink isn’t as remarkable as its stark marketing would suggest, it’s definitely tasty, a fine addition to the Gatorade line (though I’m not sure I’d go out of my way to find it again since it’s only available in 28-ounce bottles at 7-Eleven or packs of 20-ounce bottles at Walmart).

I compared Midnight Ice to an emo teen earlier, but while those kids usually defend their style by asserting, “It’s not just a phase,” Midnight Ice can’t say the same. It’s a limited edition, so I’d recommend trying it soon if you want a fun new sports drink… or if you’re just trying to develop a more discerning palate for differentiating between similarly colored Gatorade flavors.

Purchased Price: $3.69
Size: 28 fl oz bottle
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (per bottle) 190 calories, 0 grams of fat, 160 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 21 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Starbucks Lavender Creme Frappuccino

Starbucks’ extensive spring 2024 menu seems to have limited edition beverages for any craving, and if you’re in the market for something frozen, sweet, and extremely floral, the Lavender Crème Frappuccino is the one for you. (It is, however, not the one for you if you’re hoping for some caffeinated pep in your step; the “Crème” designation on a Frappuccino specifically means that it contains no caffeine, as opposed to the java-jammed “Coffee Frappuccinos.”)

Some seasonal menus leave you scratching your head about why anyone would associate that particular flavor with that particular time of year, but that was definitely not the case here. This frap screams “spring” so loudly that I could practically hear birds sing as I picked mine up off the counter! It was as sweet as you’d expect from a drink made primarily of milk, flavored syrup, and whipped cream, but its floweriness was even more noticeable.

If you’ve ever loved the smell of a candle so much that you wished you could eat it, this will be right up your alley. If oversaturated, the flavor could easily become cloying, perhaps even medicinal, but luckily, Starbucks gracefully avoids that pitfall. The lavender was a prominent enough addition to add some intrigue to the Frappuccino’s milky/vanilla-y base but still mellow enough to remain light and refreshing. That being said, it didn’t thrill me; I felt it was definitely good, but definitely not great.

Part of that for me was due to the texture — which admittedly is the same for all Frappuccinos, not just the Lavender Crème one, but if you’ve never tried any of them before, I want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into! Some people claim that Frappuccinos, particularly the coffee-less ones like this, are basically just milkshakes, but IMHO (In My Hungry Opinion), they’re more closely related to slushies. After all, once you eat through the pretty covering of whipped cream (or allow it to melt if you’re a bit more patient than me), not even the lovely light purple coloring will distract you from seeing how gritty this frap is. In addition to the tasty ingredients I mentioned earlier, another key component is ice, giving this drink a graininess that I would be quite unhappy to find in a shake. That also means that the frap flavor experience is inherently unbalanced. The earlier sips are likely to be more flavorful as you slurp up more of the syrup, but the closer you get to the end of your drink, the more likely you are to face mouthfuls that are just watery or even straight-up icy, with a taste that can mostly just be summed up as “cold.”

Like the spring flowers that are one day fated to wilt, the Lavender Crème Frappuccino won’t be around forever, so if you love not-quite-milkshakes, the color purple, and/or perfume-y flavors, check it out. But at least for me, when it goes away with the end of the season, it won’t be the end of the world.

Purchased Price: $4.75
Size: Tall (12 oz)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 260 calories, 12 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 35 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 35 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Wendy’s Cinnabon Pull-Apart

Okay, let’s play a word association game. Ready? When you say Wendy’s, I say… Cinnabon! What, you don’t understand why Cinnabon would be associated with Wendy’s? I don’t really get it either, but nonetheless, these two fast food giants are collaborating on a new treat that can only be found on Wendy’s breakfast menu, the Cinnabon Pull-Apart.

As the “Pull-Apart” in the name suggests, this isn’t one big treat like the rolls Cinnabon is best known for; instead, it’s a monkey bread-esque cluster of smaller dough nuggets clumped together, which you eat by simply breaking off each bite-size component.

Or that’s how it’s supposed to work anyway, but I didn’t find the experience quite so seamless. My piping hot Pull-Apart was actually pretty hard, so liberating the chunks required way more effort than was probably intended. I guess that’s why it’s not called the Cinnabon Gently-Fall-Apart (and I guess that’s also why a fork comes with it), but I do think it’s fair that I expected my fast food breakfast to be a little more convenient to consume.

The huge glob of congealed cream cheese frosting on top didn’t help with that either; the archetypical Cinnabon frosting is way more liquidy, so it doesn’t impede your mouthful, but this solid glob was so ginormous that the only way to even get to the Cinnabon bits seemed to be either eating the whole frosting blob in a couple big bites (no thank you) or expending yet more effort to attempt to distribute it more evenly, a graceless task as its thick consistency wasn’t exactly spreadable.

By this point in the review, my frustration with this dish is surely apparent, but you might still be hoping that it ended up tasting amazing enough to be worth all the hassle. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ll have to go ahead and dash that hope.

Apparently, my Pull-Apart’s reluctance to do its first job, pulling apart, was a signal that it would also fail at its second job, tasting good. The first sentiment that came to my mind after managing my first mouthful was “dry” (actually, it was more like “dry, dry, dry, dry, dry”; I didn’t love or even really like the cream cheese frosting and its too-tangy sickly sweetness, but I was at least grateful it made me feel a little less like I was eating sand). The second sentiment that came to my mind was “yeasty.” The very distant third — like, this afterthought didn’t occur to me until maybe a full minute after my first bite — was, “I guess there was a whisper of cinnamon in there too.” There’s, of course, a handy visual cue for which bites of this ‘bon will be more flavorful — the dark cinnamon swirls are slightly softer and sweeter than the rest of the stiff, bland dough — but even they’re lackluster.

Granted, if you’re a diehard Cinna-fan you might find more to enjoy than I did, but if you’re on the fence about whether to try this, trust me that it’s not worth waffling over. In fact, I think a waffle would be a much better way to get your sweet breakfast fix.

Purchased Price: $3.69
Rating: 4 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 550 calories, 26 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 440 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 30 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein.