REVIEW: Vanilla Chex Cereal

Vanilla Chex Cereal

Like bricks, electricity, and duct tape, Chex is a multi-tasker.

It can be used as a breakfast, a snack, a party mix, or, in a pinch, Monopoly board pieces.

Its whole-grain-boosted carbohydrate energy has the capacity to sully forth good ideas, nourish lumberjacks in the woods, or provide the inspiration to bust out the Jock Jams and dance, dance, dance.

It is the chameleon of crunch, the gymnast of the three-ring-circus of cereal. Supposedly, it also makes a fine crust for fried chicken.

Fortunately, the folks at Chex have realized this proximity to perfection and embraced it, releasing a conglomeration of checkerboard-shaped cereals throughout its 76-year-old existence. Their newest iteration? Vanilla.

Frosted and unfrosted: these are the players of the Vanilla Chex game. The unfrosted Chex are of the rice variety, which is welcoming in its simple, one-note taste. The smidgeon of flavor it sustains is that of toasted rice (think Rice Krispies). While they may not hold much in the way of flavor, these unfrosted squares really succeed in crunch.

Vanilla Chex Cereal Frosted Unfrosted

Their sturdy square shape provides a solid structure that maintains its shape in milk for 10-18 minutes (pending on your tolerance for milk-coated cereal) while the checkerboard holes give a quilted texture to your crunching experience. What’s better is that this unfrosted rice backdrop highlights the bespeckled bits of vanilla-coated Chex, which dot the canvas bowl like pink flamingos on a lawn.

Vanilla Chex Cereal Bowl

In a world where birthday cakes are slathered with bleach-white frosting and starch-colored dairy dessert qualify as “vanilla”, it is easy to forget that vanilla is a spice and, thus, has the potential to add notes of honey, caramel, pineapple, clove, and, if the planets align just right, hints of bourbon.

Here, the folks at Chex are banking on the honey qualities of vanilla, a taste that provides the rice Chex with a little fructose kick, making it sweet enough for a snack/dessert without becoming too sweet for breakfast. Tasted alone, the frosted bits remind me of the no-cream-involved crème of an Oreo, adding a nice sugary crumble to the rice crunch. Sure, this may not be the vanilla of a Tahitian bean, but it goes splendid with chocolate milk.

Speaking of milk, might I mention how well suited these bits are for the creamy beverage? And not just regular ol’ dairy milk. I’m talking adventuresome milk. The kind of milk that broadens horizons: almond, soy, strawberry-banana-flavored, you name it. The vanilla sugar seeps down into the milk, leaving you with a honeyed, slightly nuttier version of said milk. It’s just enough of a shift in flavor to be noticeable without being aggressive (and really, who wants to eat aggression for breakfast?)

I’ve tried many iterations of gluten-free snacks that have been so dry and tasteless that they have entered my nightmares in the form of anthropomorphic Frankenstein-ian dry cookies. I’m relieved to report that this Vanilla Chex is one gluten-free snack that will not haunt my nightmares. In fact, it’s a pretty tasty spin on the classic without flipping the cereal on its backside. Basic, but not fuddy-duddy. Crunchy, but not mouth-shattering. Inoffensive, but flavory (which is a word, despite what my spell check says). Good show, Chex.

(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 120 calories, 15 calories from fat, 2 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, Less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Vanilla Chex Cereal
Purchased Price: $3.29
Size: 13.5 oz. box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Crunchy. Crumbly vanilla coating. Vanilla bits reminiscent of Oreo crème. Not fuddy-duddy. Gluten free. Good as snack or breakfast. Broadening milk horizons. Nourished lumberjacks.
Cons: Could use more vanilla bits. Not necessarily revolutionary. “Flavory” is not accepted in my spell check. Memories of grocery store Birthday cake. Frankenstein cookie nightmares.

REVIEW: Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple

Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple

Ursa Minor: it’s not just a constellation.

For decades now Nabisco has offered box-fulls of “ursa minors” or, for those of us who don’t speak Latin and have to use Google to translate (i.e. me), “little bears.”

Yes, these wee little ursidae-shaped graham cookies have nourished the childhoods and adulthoods of many humans marching forth into unknown world.

And while the world is still rife with unknowns, I am confident I can keep on marching while nourishing my brain with a bunch of little bears from a box of Teddy Grahams, and now Nabisco is offering these graham-infused goodies in Apple flavor.

Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple Duo

The ever-classic duo: One bear cheers. The other does a cool dance with his hands down. Or maybe reverse jumping jacks? Or a 90s workout video? I’ve never really known.

I once read that animals gather together in anticipation of a natural disaster. If that’s true, these Teddy Grahams make me wonder if I should stock up on canned goods and AA batteries because there are a buncha bears gathered in here. According to my calculations calculator, I get a whopping 216 bears per box. That’s enough bears to last me a hibernation…or at least three episodes of Breaking Bad and some midnight ice cream (Maybe a good Talenti vanilla bean? Or Jeni’s Brown Butter?)

But number games aside, how does their taste stand up to their fellow mammal-shaped brethren?

Apple, apple, apple. That’s what I hope for in taste of an Apple Teddy Graham and, boy howdy, that’s what I got. No mushy, half-hearted pomme flavoring here. These taste of tart, crisp Granny Smiths and, while it doesn’t say so in the ingredients, I swear there’s a hint of a lemony bite hidden in here. There aren’t any apple chunks hangin’ around, but the presence of a quality applesauce is present throughout each graham. It’s like the crispy bits of apple pie crust in the form of a grizzly.

Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple Big ol' apple

If that Teddy Graham were Indiana Jones, the apple would be the boulder chasing him through the cave.

Now, if I had the chance, some secret agent skills, and a power tool that would allow me to swoop in during the dark of night and edit the Teddy Graham recipe, I’d add some cinnamon to get a little depth to these itty-bitty wonders as the apple flavor can get overwhelming, but it’s nothing a little blending with some cinnamon Teddies couldn’t fix.

What’s surprising is that the applesauce doesn’t affect the snap of these bears. They remain just as crunchy as any Teddy Graham I’ve ever encountered, a pleasant discovery given that applesauce tends to make baked goods more dense and chewy. The snap also makes these exceptionally easy to munch. Theoretically, if I continued at the rate I’m going, I’d build up my jaw muscles enough so that I’d soon be ready for try-outs for the sport of “Chewing” at the next Olympic games.

And, while the snackability rate is possible in theory, after a handful or two, I’m good. These quell any apple pie craving, but they’re not my favorites. I commend the presence of calcium and whole grains and actual applesauce, but the apple flavor gets dull after a bit and I’m ready to move on.

In the end, these grahams came, saw, and were eaten, and, by all the pigeons in Central Park, I do declare they delivered on their promise. At the same time, they don’t quite fill the cookie craving in my soul. If you hoard your Granny Smiths at the spark of fall’s harvest or have dreamed of small crisps that evoke apple pie crust, these may be right up your alley. For me, they get a gold star for being pleasant, but haven’t yet reached a caliber of greatness.

(Nutrition Facts – 24 pieces – 130 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, 10% calcium, 10% iron, and 10% zinc.)

Item: Honey Maid Teddy Grahams Apple
Purchased Price: $2.88
Size: 10 oz. box
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Predominant thought while eating is, “Pretty good.” Tastes like real apples in graham form. Real applesauce. Calcium. Whole grains. A cookie that doesn’t explode my cholesterol levels. In the shape of a bear. Secret agent skills. 90s workout videos.
Cons: Predominant thought while eating is, “Pretty good.” Could use a pinch of cinnamon. Apple flavor gets overbearing. Doesn’t quite fill cookie craving. Foreboding natural disasters. Realizing my dependency on calculators. There is no “Chewing” competition at the Olympics.

REVIEW: Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Peanut Butter

Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Peanut Butter

More orange than a University of Texas football jersey and more texturally variegated than a special edition Pokémon card, it’s the latest, greatest Pop-Tarts box filled with peanut butter toaster pastries!!

Yes, people, it’s here.

After a 27-year hiatus, peanut butter is bursting through the wall of Pop-Tarts with more superhero powers than the Powerpuff Girls and Kool-Aid Man combined and, after three trips to Walmart and a narrow escape from a runaway grocery cart, I have attained my box of six golden delights.

No, your eyes aren’t fooling you. That is a gold wrapper you see and, after an in-depth psychological study, I have concluded that golden wrappers are magic.

Every time I open one, I find myself believing I am Charlie Bucket peeling back the winning Wonka wrapper, then I skip into the streets and burst into song (“I’ve got a golden ticket!”).

Apologies to anyone who had the experience of hearing me sing and thank you, Kellogg’s, for providing me with the fulfillment of a childhood dream, even if it’s only in my mind.

Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Peanut Butter Golden Ticket

All delusions of winning a trip to see an eccentric, semi-crazed candy maker aside, let’s get down to brass tacks: what do these suckers taste like?

If there’s anything the marketing plan at Google has proven, it’s that simple is always best, and these toaster pastries reinforce just that: absent of jelly or honey, these unfrosted Plain Janes allow the simple, beautiful peanut butter to shine. The crust is sweet, slightly salty, and sprinkled with sugar, harkening back to old-school peanut butter cookies.

The peanut butter inside is of the creamy variety, a touch sweeter and gooey-er than my regular Skippy, which makes it just perfect for the filling. It adds the sugary, salty, roasted-peanut creaminess needed to play off the crackly, sucrose-laden crust.

And, indeed, this is one crackly crust. If you’re unfamiliar with the genus of unfrosted Pop-Tarts, you may want to know that this crust is a little more crumbly than what you might find with a frosted Pop-Tart. The grainy casing of this fella will give your pastry-munching experience more of a shortbread/homemade graham cracker feel. Despite its more delicate nature, the crust holds the filling inside it throughout the toasting, never breaking at the seams.

Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Peanut Butter Innards

Have I mentioned toasting would be encouraged? It would be. If these taste astounding right out of the wrapper, they taste even better toasted, a feat I thought impossible at this point. The edges of the crust get slightly crisp and the peanut butter filling softens and collects at the bottom, allowing your last bite to be full of all four of the five food groups: crispy, salty, gooey, and sweet.

And these Pop-Tarts give you agency as a creative human. In the absence of jelly or any other filling, you can add whatever you like to make your own Pop-Tarts “sandwich.” Marshmallow, Doritos, ice cream, ranch dressing, whatever. I’m not gonna judge. You want some jelly with yours? Plop a friendly slab on there or, better yet, go get a box of Strawberry Pop-Tarts and eat both Pop-Tarts together. Now that’s a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

The greatest crime these have committed is that there are only six in a box as opposed to the regular eight. According to a response to a customer on the Pop-Tarts Facebook page, this was done to keep the price level the same as peanut butter is a more expensive ingredient.

(Margaret shakes a blighted fist to the sky!)

Curse you, market of overpriced crushed legumes!!

Number games aside, these are delicious. Up there in my top three, maybe even my top two Pop-Tarts of all time. They are crispy and salty enough to allow me to imagine they’d be perfect for breakfast while being just sweet enough to please the dessert lover in me. Give me a pack of these and some chocolate ice cream and I’m a happy kid. If Pop-Tarts are looking to up their sales, these will make for a growth curve gone vertical in my book.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 200 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 16 grams of sugars, and 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Pop-Tarts Gone Nutty! Peanut Butter
Purchased Price: $1.98
Size: 1 box/6 pastries
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Gooey, creamy peanut butter. Shortbread cookie crust. Crackly sugar coating. Even better toasted. Cool box. Golden wrappers. One of the best Pop-Tarts experiences I’ve ever had. Most likely formed by powers of Kool-Aid Man and the Powerpuff Girls combined.
Cons: Only 6 per box. Overpriced crushed legumes. Golden wrappers do not earn you trip to eccentric candy maker’s laboratory. Runaway grocery carts in Wal-Mart. Realizing (yet again) that I am not musically inclined.

REVIEW: Glacéau Fruitwater Orange Mango

Glaceau Fruitwater Orange Mango

Like a spontaneously occurring geyser in the middle of Yellowstone Park, sparkling water is bursting forth from the underground and having a Renaissance upon the aisles of the grocery store.

“Sparkling water. What’s the big deal?” you may say to yourself, and, indeed, you are justified in your asking.

Sure, sparkling water had its heyday in the Depression-Era soda shops, but, ever since falling into the hands of nefarious clowns bent on squirting it in the faces of unsuspecting patrons, its sparkly potential has been pushed out of the limelight.

Yet, like the resurrection of Star Trek on the big screen, this carbonated beverage has returned to claim its rightful place in the public eye, and Coca-Cola’s Glacéau is giving flavored sparkling water a shot with this new “Fruitwater.”

Glaceau Fruitwater Orange Mango Name

Is it soda? Is it water? Or something altogether different? The questions linger…

One of the key marks of a good soda/sparkling water is the balance of fizz. Too little and it tastes like a flavored mistake. Too much and it feels like microscopic bees are stinging down your esophagus lining. This particular iteration is definitely on the stronger side of fizziness, but it’s not so harsh that it feels like you swallowed the Drano form of carbon dioxide. It’s smooth and easily drinkable, yet those carbonated bubbles bubble up around the top to remind you, “Hey! Look at me! I’m releasing carbon dioxide into the air with all my effervescence!”

Glaceau Fruitwater Orange Mango Bubbles

I’m sure the wilting dogwood tree outside my window will be very happy for all that carbon dioxide it can now use for photosynthesis.

But I don’t drink bubbly drinks for their fizz. I drink them because I hope they taste good, and flavored sparkling water can taste of anything from aspartame to bubbly diesel fuel.

Luckily, this drink is not of the latter. Actually, it has a pretty good, non-fancy citrus flavor going on. It’s a simple mix of sweet and tangy with a citrus pop. Orange comes at the forefront of flavors here, although I might specify it more as a tangerine than an orange. I can’t really detect too many mango nuances. In fact, I might more classify it more as a peach aftertaste with hints of…Tang? Yes, Tang if you bottled it and poofed in some carbonation.

Maybe I’m dehydrated or just being a goon-head, but I think there’s a cooling effect in the artificial sweeteners and it seems to be making the whole drink taste sweeter. Not so much so that it overpowers or embitters the beverage, but it’s noticeable. I enjoy it, but I have 32 sweet teeth. If you find yourself with a lower sweet tooth count and/or are sensitive to artificial sweeteners, be wary.

The world is filled with dangerous things like E. coli, mountain lions, and large, pink umbrellas that knock you in the head while you’re walking down the sidewalk. It’s in a dangerous world like ours that you need the immune system of an alligator and, thus, it was with a sigh of relief that I found this new fizzy Fruitwater enhanced with lots of B-vitamins sure to enhance your immune system.

There aren’t even any calories in here, but that also means there’s no fruit involved, making the whole “Fruitwater” moniker a bit of misnomer, but hey, taste trumps accuracy for me on this one. If I want fruit, I’ll go with juice.

I was a bit Sherlock-Holmesian in my high degree of skepticism for this new Glacéau traveler, but was happy to find myself proved wrong. While not exactly “fruit” or “water,” this is a pretty good soda-like beverage with a simple orange/tangerine taste. Yes, something about artificially flavored carbonation satisfies, and it’s nice to find a new option that doesn’t taste like someone bottled up an Alka-Seltzer.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 0 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, Less than 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, and 0 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin B6, 20% Magnesium, 20% Pantothenic acid, 20% Zinc.)

Item: Glacéau Fruitwater Orange Mango
Purchased Price: $1.15
Size: 16.9 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Food Emporium
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Simple orange flavor. Carbonated Tang. Lots of B-vitamins. Balanced fizz. Calorie-free. Talking carbon dioxide bubbles. Photosynthesis. May make you immune to attacks by mountain lions.
Cons: Questionable mango presence. May be too sweet for some. Makes me remember all the bad sparkling water I’ve had. No actual fruit. Nefarious clowns. Pink umbrellas that knock you in the head. May not make you immune to attacks by mountain lions.

REVIEW: Extra Dessert Delights Raspberry Vanilla Cupcake Gum

Extra Dessert Delights Raspberry Vanilla Cupcake Gum

The time my dad gave me a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume, I marveled at my plastic mask and thought, Whoa! I’m really a kick-butt, justice-fighting transmuted turtle! Four and a half minutes later, as the tight, thigh-hugging spandex of the costume cut off my circulation, it struck me: Where would I train? How could I keep it from mom? Would I be able to speak in turtle? How would I fight crime in spandex?!

Yes, dear readers, it was here, at the cusp of my 4-year-old birthday, that I recognized just how many elements there are to juggle as a hunchbacked reptile whose sole aim in life is to stop crime from a major metropolitan sewer system.

In a similar fashion, there are lots of elements one must juggle when dealing with a raspberry cupcake: fluffy cake, floofy icing, [oftentimes] gooey jelly insides, and, every now and then, some coconut flakes are all flyin’ everywhere. If cakes had monikers, the raspberry cupcake would be called Goofball Magoo: it’s kinda awkward and, at the same time, a bit ingenious.

However, if you’re running all about, those mini cakes prove themselves tough to transport and downright hazardous to those pants you just washed. Luckily, Extra noticed that there’s a hole in the bucket of the world for people who wanted a less chaotic raspberry vanilla cupcake experience and they’re now offering said flavor to their ever-expanding line of Dessert Delights Gum and I’m one eager human to jump on the bandwagon to see how it is.

Extra Dessert Delights Raspberry Vanilla Cupcake Gum 2

I already appreciate this gum. Just look at that unassuming aluminum wrapper, that trademark cornstarch dust. Classic.

Before I even chew, I gotta say that Wrigley’s did a swell job mimicking the raspberry-vanilla scent. The stick has a tart, artificial raspberry aroma that heightens into a straight-up sweet smell with a hint of… is that vanilla pudding powder? Sure smells like it.

Much like other forms of fruity gum, the smell of these chewy wedges permeates anything within a 2-foot radius. Depending on where you stow your 15 pieces, this could work for or against you. If you want your apartment to smell good, it could replace your Febreze air freshener. However, if you put said gum beside your tuna salad sandwich for lunch, you may have disaster on your hands. Please, avoid disaster.

The flavor of the gum itself is mild, sweet, and slightly tart, like a raspberries ‘n crème candy in chewy form: cool, sweet vanilla comes at the forefront while the raspberry comes in on the tail end and serves as the main highlight. The artificial-ness of the raspberry is there, but in a pleasant, floral way, leaning almost to the edge of a raspberry Fruit Loops without being too sweet, although it got a little overwhelming and even a little bitter as I came to the end of my brief chewing venture.

And it’s a brief venture, indeed. In a similar style to its Dessert Delight cousins, this stick of gum fails to sustain its flavor for long. After 3 sticks, I clocked it at an average of 6 minutes and 43 seconds before the flavor faded and, not 2 more minutes later, it turned into a Goodyear tire. Not exactly stunning, but not the worst I’ve had either.

The aftertaste lingers for a bit, which is something I could’ve lived without, but it was at least 97.6 percent better than morning breath.

Extra Dessert Delights Raspberry Vanilla Cupcake Gum 3

Like most sugarfree gum, there’s no nutritional harm or hindrance here. Aspartame and sucralose combine their powers to form a mighty low five-calorie chewy plank. Unfortunately, there’s no vitamin C in artificial raspberries, so you’re losing that in the switch from raspberry cupcake to gum. Fortunately, I have no fear of scurvy.

Life is full of little surprises. Like finding a twenty-dollar bill in the dryer. Or getting a double batch of Twix at the vending machine. Or learning that your pet frog can tap dance. While not as cool as a cavorting amphibian, I’d say this gum counts as a happy surprise. I had fairly low expectations of this gum and was pleased to find it’s no fuss, comes in an easy-to-close package, and makes my breath a little happier. While not something I’ll buy too often, it’s a pretty good stick of something fruity to gnaw on.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – 5 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, 2 grams of sugar alcohol, and 0 grams of protein.)

Other Extra Dessert Delights Raspberry Vanilla Cupcake reviews:
Gum Connoisseur
Sometimes Foodie

Item: Extra Dessert Delights Raspberry Vanilla Cupcake Gum
Purchased Price: 99 cents
Size: 15 sticks
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Subtle Fruit Loops raspberry-ness. Vanilla tastes like Jell-O pudding. Classic aluminum wrapper. Only 5 calories. 96.7 percent better than morning breath. Goofball Magoo. Finding 20 bucks in the dryer.
Cons: Not a cupcake. Raspberry flavor can linger too long. Turns into a chewy tire after about 8 minutes and 43 seconds. Artificial raspberries don’t have vitamin C. The complexities of being an anthropomorphic hunchbacked reptile.