REVIEW: Dannon Activia Dessert Strawberry Cheesecake

Activia Dessert Strawberry Cheesecake

(NOTE: Please don’t do this. Thank you.)

Dear YouTubers,

You know what YouTube needs? No, not more cute cat/dog/turtle humping videos.

There needs to be videos of people attempting to eat dozens of containers of Activia consecutively. I’m not talking three or four cups of Activia, I’m talking Sam’s Club-sized cases of the stuff.

Why do we need these videos? Because, currently, there isn’t any video documentation of the effects of someone eating a shit-ton of Activia.

So which one of you daring amateur internet video producers will meet this challenge for a chance at viral video history? No matter how far you get or how many pieces of furniture you might soil, you’ll be internet famous, and could possibly be featured on Web Soup, tosh.0 or the offbeat news section of the USA Today.

Not willing to put your digestive system in harm’s way, you say?

C’mon. Several of you kings and queens of consumption have done it before by trying to either down a gallon of water, chug a gallon of milk, quaff an entire bottle of tequila, guzzle a bottle of pancake syrup or drink a two liter bottle of soda. There are many more but I don’t want to make you chug down YouTube videos of folks chugging down various liquids because I want you to chug a case of Activia.

If one of you attempts this digestive endeavor, might I suggest calling the video: The Activia 14 Minute Challenge. Might I also suggest that if you get tired of eating whatever Activia flavor you end up with from Sam’s Club, you should mix it up with the Activia Desserts Strawberry Cheesecake.

Activia Dessert Strawberry Cheesecake 2

If you thought regular Activia made eating digestive bacteria taste good, then you’re going to really love cups of the Activia Desserts Strawberry Cheesecake yogurt…until you eat about a dozen of them in a row. But for the first couple of containers, you’d probably enjoy their sweet and tangy flavor, along with the smoothness of the yogurt. Although you might be disappointed that the yogurt tastes more like regular strawberry yogurt than strawberry cheesecake flavored yogurt, but it’s quite good for regular strawberry yogurt.

Why is it so good?

Because the yogurt doesn’t contain any artificial sweeteners, has real pieces of strawberries and has more sugar than a Frosted Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tart. So the Activia Desserts Strawberry Cheesecake yogurt is good for you because of the digestive bacteria, but it’s also bad for you because it’s like eating candy.

Activia is supposed to help with “slow intestinal transit.” But if one of you takes The Activia 14 Minute Challenge, Activia could help you reach a level of internet celebrity that’s equal or greater than the sneezing baby panda bear…and it could also help you achieve quick and violent intestinal transit.

I look forward to seeing the videos soon.

Love,
Marvo

(NOTE: Again, please don’t do this. Thank you.)

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container/4 ounces – 140 calories, 35 calories from fat, 4 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 240 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 6 grams of protein and 20% calcium.)

Item: Dannon Activia Dessert Strawberry Cheesecake
Price: $3.00 (on sale, $3.50 reg.)
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good if you like strawberry yogurt. Contains probiotic cultures. Contains pieces of fruit. Smooth yogurt. Good source of calcium. Sneezing baby panda bears.
Cons: Doesn’t really taste like strawberry cheesecake. Great source of sugar. Eating a case of Activia. Slow intestinal transit. Quick and violent intestinal transit.

NEWS: Panda Express To Add Korean Dish, But Unfortunately It’s Not Grace Park

On September 22, Panda Express will release Kobari Beef from their gigantic woks.

It’s the first quasi-Korean dish available from the quasi-Chinese fast food joint.

The Korean-style barbeque beef dish is being described as sweet, smoky and spicy. It combines slices of marinated tri-tip beef, seared mushrooms, freshly cut leeks, onions, and red bell peppers with a “Kobari sauce.”

Kobari Beef will be available for a limited time.

NEWS: Listerine Introduces A Mouthwash for Wusses

Are you one of those weaklings who can’t stand the burning sensation of Listerine?

Before, you had two options: grow a pair or not use the mouthwash that kills germs and bacteria in your mouth that cause bad breath. But now, probably thanks to your crying and whining, you have another option — Listerine Zero.

Listerine Zero is alcohol free, which makes it less intense and impossible for people to get drunk off of it, but it’s still able to kill millions of bad breath germs in your mouth.

It only comes in a Cool Mint flavor and is available in two sizes: 500 mL and 1 liter.

REVIEW: BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich

The new BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich has so much pork, in the forms of sliced ham and bacon, that if one were to put a white gown on it, a blonde wig on top of it and somehow make it say moi, Kermit the Frog would fall in love with it.

However, the most interesting ingredient found in this breakfast sandwich are the two slices of tomatoes. I don’t know about you, but it feels a little weird to be eating vegetables in the morning. I think they do it on a regular basis in some European countries, but I’m too lazy to Google it to see if it’s true. I guess I’m just used to fast food breakfast sandwiches only having filling that was either slaughtered or comes from the poop hole of a chicken.

Along with the ham, bacon and tomatoes, the BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich also comes with cheese, a layer of scrambled eggs and a smoky tomato sauce in between a rectangular whole grain ciabatta bun. Wait…tomatoes AND a whole grain bun? Those ingredients almost make it sound kind of healthy and makes me think I won’t need a Zumba workout to burn it off.

Unfortunately, it contains 23 grams of fat and seven grams of saturated fat so I’m still going to need the workout sensation that’s sweeping the nation — Zumba!

The sandwich is a decent size and is as heavy as Burger King’s Sausage, Egg & Cheese Croissan’wich. The slightly stiff crust of the ciabatta bread makes it quite sturdy and helps prevent ingredients from falling out of the sandwich. If only celebrity dress were made out of the same stuff, then maybe The Superficial would have less nip slip photos.

Oh wait, that would be a bad thing.

While the ciabatta bun is nice, what really makes this sandwich are the tomatoes and the sauce. They give the sandwich a nice flavor that compliments well with the ham, cheese, egg and bread. What about the bacon? Well, the typical flavorless BK bacon doesn’t contribute anything, which makes it seem unnecessary, like news anchor banter in between stories. But the ham definitely makes up for the bacon.

Overall, I really enjoyed the BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich. It’s not your typical egg, meat, cheese and bread breakfast sandwich, thanks to the addition of something simple — a couple slices of tomatoes. At first, I thought having vegetables for breakfast sounded weird, but now that I think about it, it doesn’t sound too crazy at all since I already eat cereal for dinner.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 480 calories, 23 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 210 milligrams of cholesterol, 1270 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of sugar and 24 grams of protein.)

Item: BK Breakfast Ciabatta Club Sandwich
Price: $5.19 (small combo)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty sandwich, thanks to the tomatoes and sauce. Decent amount of ham. Eating cereal for dinner. Sturdy ciabatta bun. Bun made from whole grains. Zumba! Nip slip photos.
Cons: BK Bacon is useless and a poor excuse for bacon. Eating tomatoes in the morning might seem weird. Despite tomatoes and whole grain bun, it has typical fast food nutritional facts. Finding out chickens poop and lay eggs from the same hole.

REVIEW: Jimmy Dean Jimmy D’s French Toast Griddlers

Jimmy Dean describes their Jimmy D’s breakfast entrees, which consist of french toast sticks with sausage, something that looks like a corn dog and these French Toast Griddlers, as “Satisfying, hearty breakfast to help kids do their best.”

Really?

I thought threats of taking away their Xbox 360; punishment in the form of them having to put on a clown costume and entertain the rest of the family; and using toys, candy and cold hard cash as bribes were the only ways to help kids do their best.

If all it takes is a microwaveable breakfast sandwich made from cinnamon glazed french toast and a Jimmy Dean turkey sausage patty to help children achieve their goals, then I’ve got parenting down pat. Bring on the women who wish to bear my children and I shall provide them with an ample supply of Jimmy D’s products and a standalone freezer.

If I fed my future illegitimate children these Jimmy D’s French Toast Griddlers and they helped my children do their best, I can imagine how successful they’ll become. With my genes, I’m sure they’ll accomplish amazing things, like become Walmart greeters, carnival game attendants, unemployed writers or repressive dictators of uninhabited islands.

Like the use of comic book fonts on the packaging, it appears Jimmy Dean used turkey sausage, instead of pork sausage, in their French Toast Griddlers for the children, who probably don’t need to consume twice the fat and saturated fat the pork sausages would’ve provided. But even if the sausages were made out of pork, the children probably wouldn’t notice as they stuff it down their gullets as they get ready for school to be the best that they can be.

Most children would probably enjoy the sweet and salty combination of the cinnamon flavored French toast with the turkey sausage. It’s like a poor child’s McDonald’s McGriddle. It’s also a healthier child’s McDonald’s McGriddle, since it has three times less fat, saturated fat, sodium and sugar than a Sausage McGriddle.

However, I’m not a child, I’m just a man who watches Ni Hao, Kai-Lan on Nick Jr. to help me start conversations with the workers at the Chinese restaurants and shady places I frequent, and I think the French Toast Griddlers are bland. The turkey sausage doesn’t have the same quality flavor and spice as Jimmy Dean’s pork sausage and the cinnamon glaze on the French toast isn’t pronounced.

The sausage patty is slightly smaller than the French toast buns and both are easy to bite through after being microwaved for 85 seconds. There’s also an egginess to the French toast, which makes me wish there was also a layer of scrambled eggs in this sandwich.

If Jimmy Dean wanted to make their French Toast Griddlers better, they could use Jimmy Dean’s flavorful pork sausage and, perhaps, sweeten the French toast with syrup, but, of course, adding all of that would create a satisfying, hearty breakfast to help kids do their best…to get fat.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich/102 g – 210 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 390 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 2% calcium and 10% iron.)

*contains interesterified soybean oil and hydrogenated soybean oil

Item: Jimmy Dean Jimmy D’s French Toast Griddlers
Price: $7.49
Size: 4 pack
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Individually wrapped. Ready in 85 seconds. Uses healthier turkey sausage. Eight grams of protein. Helps kids do their best. Learning Chinese via Ni Hao, Kai-Lan.
Cons: Bland. Turkey sausage is less flavorful than Jimmy Dean’s pork sausage. Cinnamon flavor is too light. My future illegitimate children becoming Walmart greeters, carnival game attendants, unemployed writers or repressive dictators of uninhabited islands.

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