York Mints

(Editor’s Note: To understand this review, please watch this old York Peppermint Pattie commercial.)

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that my balls have been groped a little too long by the cold, gloveless hands of my doctor, making me cough more than I should. While my testes slowly crawl up into my body to get away from the doctor’s rough, cold fingers, I wonder if it really was necessary to take my temperature with a rectal thermometer.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I’m sitting with a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend in the middle of romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding her hands in mine and expressing my eternal love by whispering to her, “I love you dearly. When I first saw you, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, but now I think you’re even more beautiful. I love everything about you. Your smile. Your eyes. Your mind. Your heart. Your soul. When I caress you, kiss you, or touch you, I feel only happiness that I never want to end. My soul is complete with you and I want to be with you forever.”

Then after pouring out my heart and soul, she says, “I’m leaving you because I’m a lesbian and I have you to thank for helping me realize that.”

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I wake up half naked in a bathtub of ice in an abandoned, cockroach-infested apartment and on a table next to the tub is an old Nokia cell phone with a half-charged battery and a note that has the carefully-written address of my location and the words, “We’ve taken one of your kidneys, call 911 immediately.”

All of this happened after meeting some dude with an Eastern European accent about a futon couch he was selling for $20 on Craigslist because he was moving to another city.

When I bite into a York Mint, I get the sensation that I kind of got gypped. I expected them to be typical breath-freshening mints, like Altoids or Certs, since they were placed on the same shelf as all the other mints and gums. However, they are mint candy dipped in dark chocolate with a mint shell. Basically, they’re York Peppermint Patties in the form of Sixlets-sized balls, which I wish my doctor would grope instead of mine. There were about 30-35 pieces in the shiny, attractive tin and three York Mints have ten calories, zero fat, and three grams of sugar.

So if you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll probably like York Mints. But if you’re looking for a mint to freshen your breath when you’re sitting with your attractive significant other in the middle of a romantic, candlelit Italian restaurant, holding their hands in yours and expressing your undying love, I’d suggest getting some Altoids and then bracing yourself for the possibility that you’ve helped them come out of the closet.

Item: York Mints
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: If you like York Peppermint Patties, you’ll like these. $20 for a futon couch. Craigslist. Zero fat. Pretty, shiny tin. Dark chocolate, albeit very little.
Cons: They’re minty candy, not breath-freshening mints. Getting a kidney removed without your approval. Un-gloved doctor’s hands. Anal thermometers.

15 thoughts to “York Mints”

  1. I’m fairly certain that the sensations you’re experiencing are from tabs of acid and not the York mints. And whoever decided that chocolate was a good way to freshen one’s breath?

  2. Ace N. – I think Hershey’s decided. They are the 800 pound chocolate gorilla.

    Chuck – Changed it, because I want to be clinically correct.

  3. What exactly does the ball-grab-cough test even test for? I’m guessing anxiety.

  4. Marvo, when I read one of your reviews, I get the sensation of pop shooting out of my nose because I laugh while swigging a cold one.

  5. Sep – Or to find an accurate answer for the question, “How’s it hanging?”

    webmiztris – I hope I was the one who got you addicted and I hope because of it, I get some money from Altoids.

    luckinflux – I personally don’t like that first paragraph because it brings back such horrible memories.

    Clevegal42 – I’ve had that happen to me a few times and it’s quite painful and messy. I’m sorry.

    Melanie – Thank you! Everything else from here on will suck hard.

  6. New here. Love the product reviews and will be tuning in regularly! Thanks to pajiba.com for the link.

  7. Wow that was really funny! Except that second paragraph… it was all too familiar… well except it wasn’t a girl that I was talking to and he didn’t exactly say in so many words that I was to thank. But it’s hard to convince yourself otherwise when you have dated someone for 5 years and all of a sudden he is gay. Oh crap, now I need to call my therapist.

  8. Buffy – Hi Buffy! I love Pajiba too and another word that rhymes with it.

    Melanie Marie – I’m scared of meeting any of my ex-girlfriends, for fear that I helped all of them realize their inner lesbian.

  9. I have to second the Chocolate Covered Altoids, you should give those a review… I haven’t tried the York mints though.

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