Oh Wendy, you flame-haired temptress of the square-shaped beef patty.

Does your daddy know how you gently lull me into your old-fashioned restaurants with a diabolical siren’s song of always-fresh, never frozen promises, only to leave me standing alone, naked and ashamed, clutching desperately to a lukewarm baked potato and a couple of double-stacks, mildly disappointed but always willing to take the blame nevertheless?

Lessons never learned, the most recent entry in the current Smokey Mountain jamboree of fast-food foodstuffs we’re seemingly in the middle of, the new Smoky Mushroom Bacon Cheeseburger, is a timely tune the beloved freckled-face spitfire is warbling to all within hungry earshot, promising the rich flavor of “smoky” portabella mushrooms, “smoky” mushroom aioli, crispy fried onions, Asiago cheese, and three strips of Applewood-smoked bacon on top of its signature beef and buns.

Which, of course, all sounds absolutely entrancing, a medley of taste sensations crafting a ballistic ballet to an overture of distinct flavors as my mouth waters while simply standing in line, the professional photography teasing me with spilling sides of dense fungi and even denser cheese product, bacon scintillatingly peeking out with onion strings mingling sensually in the glistening drippings. And so then, order up, I take a bite deep and lovingly into it. And another. And then another…

As the singular sadness of dine-in disappointment starts to set in, Wendy’s has desperately made another promise they apparently couldn’t keep; while absolutely loaded with said onions, mushrooms, and aioli, they are brutally rendered mostly flavorless and obsolete thanks to a spectacularly greasy overkill from the Wendy’s beef and especially from the Applewood-smoked bacon.

Don’t get me wrong — it makes for a good bacon burger of sorts, but there might as well be no ‘shrooms at all on the thing, lest they simply need a name-brand filler to plump up this jam, unnecessarily loading it for dramatic sales effect.

Hey, it looked great in the pictures.

However, these same toppings are additionally offered on the similarly-named Smoky Mushroom Baked Potato, the must-have tuber of the year. Where they failed in burger form, Wendy’s wonderfully hits the top of the pops here, with the smoky zest of the sautéed mushrooms fully loaded and blending magically with the cheese drenching and moderate drizzle of bacon bits on top of a damp baked potato still soaking in its own sweat. It paired like a prince with my *sigh* double-stacks.

In the pantheon of Wendy’s hits or misses, the Smoky Mushroom Bacon Cheeseburger is to be considered a flawed flop, but it’s got a hell of a B-side in its Baked Potato variant that’ll go on to be a cult favorite. Regardless, I’ll always keep an ear out for whatever your next pied pipings of edible tidings will be Wendy, but only ‘cause I’m a sucker for a redhead holding square-shaped slices of beef. ¡Cómpralo ya!

(Nutrition Facts – (single) – 760 calories, 440 calories from fat, 49 grams of fat, 15 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 1310 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 36 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: N/A
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Makes for a great bacon cheeseburger. Plump with plenty of ingredients. Potato companion worth the add-on.
Cons: Can’t taste the mushrooms over the meat. Too much bacon. Almost too greasy.

I’m a “kar-muhl” guy when pronouncing caramel.

Apparently, my wife is firmly in the surprisingly passionate team “kar-a-mel” camp as I discovered when I informed her she was saying it wrong.

My logic? Function over form.

The faster I can say caramel, the faster I can shovel delicious treats like Baskin-Robbins’ March Flavor of the Month Oreo ’N Caramel Ice Cream into my mouth. When the promise of salted caramel ice cream, Oreo cookie pieces, and a caramel swirl is made, I’m not about to waste any time.

It’s a good thing too because this treat delivers. If I were to nitpick the description, I’d say this is a sometimes overly sweet caramel first, Oreo cookies and cream second flavor. I get vibes more of dulce de leche than what I typically associate with caramel which makes sense given the sweetened condensed milk used as a base. If Baskin-Robbins had gone with that title rather than caramel, I may have been spared the back pain of my futon banishment.

Speaking of being salty, the salted caramel element is added with a deft hand that enhances the sweetness of both the caramel and Oreo creme flavors. Practically every bite is a surprisingly complex dance between the two.

Some bites, the sweet Oreo creme leads and ends with a bit of salty caramel while other times an incredibly sweet caramel flavor trails off with a deeper chocolate wafer finish. The cookies themselves are possessed of a pleasantly soft texture in sizes that range from pervasive bits to a tad too infrequent chocolate chunks.

Baskin-Robbins captured something I have not tasted often with Oreo ‘N Caramel Ice Cream. There are certainly bites that are sweeter than I like, but overall, it’s a delectable change of pace from the “mintundation” that March usually heralds.

Purchased Price: $2.79
Size: Large scoop (4 oz.)
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Large Scoop) 270 calories, 14 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 25 grams of sugar, 1 gram of dietary fiber and 4 grams of protein.