REVIEW: Doritos Blaze

Doritos Blaze

Blaze. Inferno. Flame. Burn. Fire. Heat. Heatwave.

Already used.

Wildfire. Firestorm. Angry. Fury.

Hmm, possibilities.

Combustion. Conflagration.

Okay, scraping the bottom of the barrel, but I guess they would work.

What am I doing? I’m coming up with new spicy Doritos flavor names using my computer’s thesaurus. As you can see, we’re going to run out of names soon.

But that issue is for the future. Today is today and today we have a new spicy Doritos flavor — Blaze.

On the back of the bag, it says Doritos Blaze is like licking a volcano. After I read that, I wasted about an hour or so wrapping my head around what is quite possibly the dumbest thing ever printed on a Doritos bag. Are we talking active or dormant? If it’s dormant, it going to taste like the Earth. If it’s active and you’re trying to lick the lava that’s pouring out of it, I’m pretty sure your face will melt off, along with your tongue, before you can do so. Yes, this is what I spent an hour thinking about.

The next hour was spent wondering why I don’t like Doritos Blaze.

Its aroma reminds me of bell peppers. It also has a sweet and spicy smell that makes me think of Panda Express. Inhaling the air in the bag also gave me clues that these chips were going to burn.

I’ve had spicier chips, but these are packing some decent heat. The first chip isn’t so bad, but eating more will cause the heat to spike (Doritos Spike?). At a point my mouth begins to feel like I’m playing out a scene from a Game of Thrones fan fiction focusing on dragon erotica. There you go, the person who came up with the “It’s like licking a volcano” line, a line that’s dumber than yours.

Doritos Blaze 2

After consuming a few chips I had to stop eating them, but not because the heat was getting to me, even though it was and I had to grab some water. Instead, I had to stop because I didn’t care for their taste. Along with the heat, there’s an underlying sweet, peppery flavor, but it doesn’t make me want to eat more. Although they’re Doritos, there isn’t a cheesiness to them. I wish there was because they might’ve been better tasting.

Doritos Blaze is one of the most disappointing varieties of the popular tortilla chip I’ve ever had. It’s definitely spicy, but it doesn’t have a flavor that makes me yearn for it. Maybe its new name should be Doritos Bummer.

(Nutrition Facts – about 12 chips – 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 9.75 oz. bag
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Spicy. Cool name.
Cons: Sweet, peppery flavor doesn’t work for me. Doesn’t have a flavor that makes me want to eat a lot of it. Saying “It’s like licking a volcano.”

REVIEW: KFC Smoky Mountain BBQ Chicken

KFC Smokey Mountain BBQ Chicken

Over the course of this here blessed lifetime, I have come to consider myself quite worldly in the grand scheme of most things barbeque. I’ve sampled and enjoyed the various takes and numerous styles of this homegrown culinary tradition throughout this sticky-fingered country, leaving a long trail of broken hearts and used wet wipes along the way. With that little preamble said and done, I have to admit the new KFC Smokey Mountain BBQ chicken has left me a little more perplexed than usual.

While it claims to be something of a mixture of the various “sweet, smoky flavors of Southern BBQ” — interpret that however you will — the vague drenching of this supposed sauce on my two-piece seems to have more in comparison with the off-putting artificial flavoring of BBQ-seasoning dusted on a bag of cheap store-brand potato chips than any tried and true ‘que creation I’ve ever come in contact with. It’s really the only thing found in nature that, after numerous unlikable bites, I can honestly compare it to.

KFC Smokey Mountain BBQ Chicken 2

Having been a moderate fan of KFC’s attempt at Georgia Gold honey mustard barbeque (and, to a somewhat lesser extent, its moderately gentrified take on Nashville Hot Chicken), this generalized take on what it consider to be Smokey Mountain flavors, seemed half-hearted at best, right down to the chintzy drizzle over my extra crispy pieces. They resembled nothing like the glorious coating on every photogenic cut of poultry in every piece of promotional material.

Of course, like most KFC products, the chicken itself was right on, juicy and tender, hot and crispy and served with a kitchen fresh smile. The problem here is totally with the Smokey Mountain sauce, which is comically salty and overly sweet to a fault, necessitating more than the daily recommended allowance of trips to the soda fountain to swish and spit that mouth-binding fraudulent Southern sass that the Colonel wrongfully thinks represents said mountainous regions.

KFC Smokey Mountain BBQ Chicken 3

Now, with all that being said in regards to both the two-piece bone-in or three-piece tenders meal, I will casually admit that the sauce does work better when you order it as part of its totes adorbs Chicken Littles menu, the plump sesame seed buns, pickles, and mayonnaise working together as an excellent buffer, bringing out the more flavorful qualities of the Smokey Mountain sauce as a probable condiment while religiously oppressing the glaring flaws of its main reason for being.

Even though I’m always eager to see whatever concoctions the flavor wizards deep in the Dixieland Laboratories of the KFC Sassafrassin’ Sauce Studios come up with next, this is definitely one that should’ve gone back for a little more quality control testing, honey. Until then, I’ll just keep sneaking in my pocket-sized flask of Cholula Green Pepper hot sauce to pro-actively blanket that two-piece extra crispy myself. Ya’ heard, KFC?

(Nutrition Facts – 2-piece chicken only – 260 calories, 150 calories from fat, 16 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 110 milligrams of cholesterol, 810 milligrams of sodium, 7 grams of carbohydrates, 1 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 22 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: 2-piece (drumstick and wing)
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Makes a good condiment for a sandwich. Chicken Little fits in a pocket.br />
Cons: Too salty. Tastes like cheap BBQ chips. Skimps on sauce.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Moo-phoria Light Ice Cream

Ben  Jerry s Moo phoria Light Ice Cream

Update: If you’re looking for reviews of the new Moo-phoria flavors — P.B. Marshmallow Swirl, Cherry Garcia with a Twist, Chocolate Cookie EnlightenMint, and Mocha Fudge Brownie — click here to read our reviews.

Eating an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting is a thing that, if I rationalize it, will create an balanced pros and cons list. 

Pros: It’s yummy. It makes me feel good. There will be more room in my freezer.

Cons: Consuming a lot of fat and sugar. I’ll feel guilty about eating an entire pint later. I’ll have a stomachache soon.

There’s been an influx of light ice cream brands that take away the guilt of eating an entire container, like Halo Top, Enlightened, and Breyers Delights. They’re advertised as having around 300 calories, not a lot of sugar, and a decent amount of protein PER PINT. Ben & Jerry’s decided to jump into the not quite creamy river of light ice creams with its new Moo-phoria line.

There are three flavors:

  • Chocolate Milk & Cookies – Chocolate and vanilla light ice cream with chocolate chip cookies.
  • Caramel Cookie Fix – Vanilla light ice cream with shortbread cookies and a salted caramel swirl.
  • P.B. Dough – Chocolate light ice cream with gobs of chocolate chip peanut butter cookie dough.

While Moo-phoria is a light ice cream, it’s done differently than its competition. It doesn’t use ingredients other brands use, like sugar alcohols (which can cause stomach issues) and sugar substitutes (which can cause taste issues). But those do allow Halo Top and its ilk to take “light” to a whole different level. Per pint, they have fewer calories, fat, and sugar than Ben & Jerry’s offering. Plus, they shove in stuff to give them more protein and fiber.

But Moo-phoria is more like regular ice cream than its competition. If you scan the ingredients, it reads like normal ice cream. There’s milk, cream, egg yolks, love, sugar, and a bunch of normal Ben & Jerry’s ice cream looking ingredients. There’s no out of place vegetable glycerin or soluble corn fiber.

However, in my mouth is where the differences become clear.

Ben  Jerry s Chocolate Milk  Cookies Moo phoria Light Ice Cream

Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Milk & Cookies Moo-phoria Light Ice Cream

The textures of the chocolate and vanilla ice cream bases are not as creamy as regular ice cream, so when they melt, they do so cleaner and quicker. As for their flavor, the chocolate one tastes like full-fat Ben & Jerry’s chocolate ice cream, but not with the same punch. The vanilla one is somewhat lacking in flavor. It tastes closer to something you’d get from Breyers instead of Ben & Jerry’s. And, yes, that’s an insult, Breyers. But not having strong flavors shouldn’t be surprising since they’re light ice creams.

Ben  Jerry s Caramel Cookie Fix Moo phoria Light Ice Cream

Ben & Jerry’s Caramel Cookie Fix Moo-phoria Light Ice Cream

But what I didn’t expect was how mild in flavor some mix-ins were. The shortbread and chocolate chip cookies in their respective pints blend in with the ice cream and don’t stand out. I imagine they also had to be lightened in order to bring down the calories and fat. With the mix-ins you’d find in regular Ben & Jerry’s pints, such as fudge chunks, brownies, and cake pieces, it’s easy to determine what they are because their flavors pop. But with the cookies in their respective Moo-phoria pints, if you didn’t read the labels, it would be hard to tell what they are because of their flavor and chewy textures that are more like cookie dough or swirls than cookies.

Speaking of cookie dough, the chocolate chip peanut butter gobs in P.B. Dough didn’t have the same issues. They have a strong peanut butter flavor and a texture that’s similar to the cookie dough in other Ben & Jerry’s pints.

Ben  Jerry s PB Dough Moo phoria Light Ice Cream

Ben & Jerry’s P.B. Dough Moo-phoria Light Ice Cream

If I had to choose a favorite, I’d pick P.B. Dough because the chocolate ice cream and cookie dough have more flavor. Also, my container had a lot of mix-ins. If my pint was a minefield and the cookie dough gobs were mines, I’d be dead many times over. As for the other two, the use of light flavored vanilla ice cream and mix-ins don’t excite my taste buds. Not even the salted caramel swirl could fix Caramel Cookie Fix.

But here I am comparing it to regular Ben & Jerry’s. I’m sure some of you are wondering if it’s better than light ice cream juggernaut Halo Top. I definitely think it is. But, to be honest, I don’t have a strong positive opinion of Halo Top. The stevia messes with the flavor and the texture is odd. Every one I’ve tried has been okay, but I also feel they’re an unsatisfactory attempt at something that should be pleasurable. Don’t @ me.

But with that said, the best way I can describe Moo-phoria is to say it’s Ben & Jerry’s ice cream but without a soul. I don’t feel a lot of joy or excitement when I shove a spoonful into my mouth, although there’s slightly more with P.B. Dough. These lack what most standard Ben & Jerry’s varieties have, which is some kind of strong willpower casting aside ability that can ruin diets, New Year’s resolutions, and calorie counter limits.

With pints like those I have to force myself to stop or else I’ll eat the entire container in one sitting. But with Moo-phoria I don’t have to force myself to stop because I don’t have the desire to eat the entire container in one sitting, even though I can.

Disclosure: Ben & Jerry’s sent me free Moo-phoria pints to sample. Receiving them for free did not influence my review.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – P.B. Dough – 160 calories, 5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein. Caramel Cookie Fix – 150 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 90 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 15 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein. Chocolate Milk & Cookies – 140 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber 15 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 1 pint each
Purchased at: N/A
Rating: 6 out of 10 (P.B. Dough)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Chocolate Milk & Cookies)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Caramel Cookie Fix)
Pros: Doesn’t make me want to eat the entire pint in one sitting. The light chocolate ice cream. P.B. Dough flavor. More like regular ice cream than other light ice creams. Doesn’t use sugar alcohols or sugar substitutes.
Cons: Doesn’t make me want to eat the entire pint in one sitting. The shortbread cookies and chocolate chip cookies. The light vanilla ice cream. Not as light as other light ice creams.

REVIEW: Haagen-Dazs Dulce de Leche Cookie Squares

Haagen Dazs Dulce de Leche Cookie Squares jpg

I know winter is supposed to be all fuzzy slippers and hot cocoa and half a metric ton of cinnamon spice, but, as someone known to recite Shakespearean love sonnets to frozen dairy, I need little to entice me that the dead middle of winter is the perfect time for some ice cream. Especially if it involves cookies, chocolate, and caramel, and boom-shackalacka! Haagen-Dazs is delivering just that.

Haagen Dazs Dulce de Leche Cookie Squares 2 jpg

If you don’t have soft spot in your heart for gooey, deeply nutty caramel, just turn away ‘cause this bar is ribboned with the stuff. Now, in case you haven’t yet had the near-holy, angels-singing-from-the-sky experience of dulce de leche yet, prepare thyself to be amazed! For dulce de leche is what becomes of sweetened condensed milk after being slowly caramelized, creating an effect that is less sharply sugary than regular caramel and more nutty-sweet.

Here, it serves as a thick, sweetened, gooey, nutty confection that strings out like mad from the surrounding sweeter caramel ice cream, which provided me with enough energy to hurl a monster truck across a football field.

And it doesn’t even stop there, folks. The chocolate coating is snappy, sweet, and drizzled with just a tad bit of semisweet chocolate to yin out the yang of the main milk chocolate base. The Oreo-like cookie wafer has a snap, crumble, chew, and durability that holds up to the weight of the ice cream above. Taken as a whole, the result is crispy, creamy, nutty, crumbly, chocolatey, and other delicious adjectives that end in “y.” It all makes for something so delicious.

Haagen Dazs Dulce de Leche Cookie Squares 3 jpg

In this small three-dimensional square, Haagen-Dazs proves that, while it may be winter, dessert doesn’t have to taste like a Gingerbread Man’s spice drawer to be absolutely delicious in a blustery season. Indeed, sometimes, a simple, well-executed square of cookie, ice cream, and chocolate is just the thing to transform a callous-hearted, snowy-sludged humbug into a un-grumpified, semi-regularly-functioning human who has big dreams and has done adult things today and deserves something very, very spectacular.

Like you, dear reader.

You deserve something very, very spectacular. So go get you some! They may not be perfect and hardly toe the line of breaking new ground, but they are delicious. And, for today, delicious is enough.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 310 calories, 170 calories from fat, 18 grams of fat, 13 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 26 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Purchased Price: $3.34 (on sale)
Size: 1 box/3 bars
Purchased at: Ralph’s
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Nutty, nutty dulce de leche. Milk and semisweet chocolate. Durable, Oreo-like cookie wafer. Enough sugar to hurl a monster truck across a football field.
Cons: Not the best if you’re looking for crazy mix-ins. Callous-hearted, snowy-sludged humbugs.

QUICK REVIEW: Baskin-Robbins Cannoli Be With You Ice Cream

Baskin Robbins Cannoli Be With You Ice Cream jpg

I live life by a few simple principles gleaned from Hollywood.

For example:

  • Don’t eat vegetables after midnight… or before midnight… pretty much just don’t eat vegetables.
  • Always wear your anti-sea rhinoceros undergarments.
  • Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line.

Baskin-Robbins wants to add another rule involving Sicily to the list with its February Flavor of the Month, Cannoli Be With You Ice Cream. With mascarpone ice cream, cannoli shell pieces, chocolate chips and pistachios, having this cannoli on hand sounds like a great addition.

Baskin Robbins Cannoli Be With You Ice Cream 2 jpg

The mascarpone cheese base might be the best and creamiest ice cream I’ve sampled at Baskin-Robbins. With a light touch of sweetness, it is rich, buttery and smooth; the perfect backdrop for the accompanying flavors. Things improve with the milk chocolate chips that are neither too sweet, nor too bitter but just right — no anti-sea bear circle required.

Baskin Robbins Cannoli Be With You Ice Cream 3 jpg

If this were simply a mascarpone ice cream with chocolate chips, it would earn high marks for its simple but delicious execution. Dismayingly, both the cannoli shell and the pistachio pieces took the wrong lesson about hiding from a nuke in a fridge. The cannoli pieces’ texture is that of soggy corn flakes with about as impactful a flavor. The pistachios are rare, though large and overpowering, and hold no roasted notes I can detect. Crushed pistachios would create more consistency and balance bringing it closer to the genuine article.

With a fantastic first impression made by the mascarpone and chocolate chips, I’m disappointed in this flavor given its potential. A cannoli is a balance of distinct flavors that create a cohesive treat which is not the case here.

New rule for Baskin-Robbins: Never go in against a Sicilian when a cannoli is on the line.

Purchased Price: $2.39
Size: Small scoop (2.5 oz.)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Small Scoop) 180 calories, 11 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 12 grams of sugar, 1 gram of dietary fiber and 3 grams of protein.

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